With The Commentary of the RABAM
Parshas Korach = bald, bald fellow. Bamidbar (Numbers) 16:1 - 18:32.
This Parshas is brought to you by the letter K, and minoxidil, the active ingredient in several miraculois tonics, available in both 2% and 5% solutions, and in handsoime giftpacks for both mothers' day and fathers' day, as it says in Shmois (Exodus) 20:12 and Dvarim (Deuteronomy) 5:16 "Kabed et avicha ve et imecha...." (Honour your father and mother....).
We at Y.C.E. hold that Valentine's day is mamesh avoidah zara, and will therefore not mention the fine satin-finish heart shaped gift box collector's edition (sure to be treasured for a lifetime!) available for a low low price if ordered before January 15th.
In this week's Parsha, Koirach, once again a portion of Klal Yisroel rebels against the Reboinoisheloilum's rule. A group led by Koirach challenges Moishe Rabbeinu's appointment as the Aimishteh's personal representative and business manager. After returning to their tents, Koirach and his minions are swallowed up whole into the ground.
Koirach, a Levite from the clan of Kehat, cousin of Moishe, was the quintessential groise macher. When Bnei Yisroel left Mitzrayim, Koirach, who had been Pharaoh’s Chief Financial Officer (Pyramid Holdings LLC) and fiduciary, shlepped along three cartloads of stock certificates and Assyrian bank books.
While it is unclear what the Standards and Practices for accounting were in those days, it is fair to assume that the reserve for depreciation of assets was exaggeratedly unrealistic, and that there may have been overvaluation at the time he liquidated his portfolio.
Regarding baldness (the possible literal definition of the name "Koirach"), Shimshon Ben Manoach (spouse of Delilah, a Shiksa from Gaza) comes to mind, powerless without his hair.
But the Leviyim were supposed to shave off all their hair, as it says in Parshas Behaloiseicha in Bamidbar (Numbers) 8:7 "...ve he’eviru ta'ar al kol besarem..." (...and let them cause a razor to pass over all their flesh...).
Very Egyptian. Symbolic castration? One could speculate. Smooth all over. Buff. (Perhaps a Biblical hint for a business opportunity for Sheitels for men?)
If you have disturbing dreams after reading this, take a long soak in a mikvah.
"Koirach and his minions - swallowed - into the ground" = Bamidbar (Numbers) 16:32 "Va tiftach ha arets et piha, va tivla otam, ve et bateihem, ve et kol ha adam asher le korach ve et kol harchush" (And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their households, and all the men sided with Korach, and all their stuff).
How stupid are these mishugayim anyway? How many times do they have to be told that they should shut up and study Toirah instead of asking for food and the right to return to Mitzrayim to visit the pyramids and eat traifus? And how much abuse does Hakodoshboruchhu have to tolerate before he smites all the minuvals down like cockroaches with a strong hand, an outstretched arm, and a really big shoe?
Mishugayim = Fools, nutcases. From the same root as meshugge.
Mitzrayim = Egypt.
Traifus = Comestibles with at best a dubious heksher. Also food which has not been processed according to kashrus – for meat, a prescribed method of slaughter and an exclusion of flesh from unkosher animals; for bread, a separating of the portion for the priesthood; for grains and seedy things, an examination to separate out shrotzim; for the vessels and utensils used, separation of fleishedikkes and milchedikkes. Plus the utter avoidance of foods used in avoidah zarah – when you visit India, do NOT eat Prasad!
Even food over which a blessing has been said by a gentile is disqualified – this necessarily may limit your socializing with the nations to alcoholism (avoid heathen wine – go for the distilled spirits, such as single malts with names only a yiddish speaker could pronounce).
The subject can be quite complex – I recommend purchasing reference books, and when in doubt consulting a rabbi. It’s not just an eating-disorder.
HaKadoshBoruchHu = The Holy One, Blessed Is He.
Minuval (pl. minuvlim) = Scoundrels, rascals.
Cockroaches = A splendid example of how in this world of His Creation, all things have a purpose, and for everything there is a plan. For cockroaches, the purpose is to remind you that you are separate from the nations, and should object vociferously when they move in next door. Unless they keep their television tuned to the game on Saturday.
I know you were asking these questions, you good-for-nothing amhaaretz, but they are actually stupid questions. I mean, we read this same Parsha every year. It hasn't changed since the Redactor compiled the text in Babylon -- OOPS -- I mean since the Aimishteh dictated the Toirah to Moishe on Sinai.
“Same Parsha every year” = Kesederdik, voss?
No, the real question isn't why the people keep on rebelling. Rather, it is: Why do we, and our wise Rabbinical predecessors, continue to look back at the generation of the Exodus as the paradigm of Jewish virtue, when in truth they were a bunch of vilda chayas? Compared to them, a band of marauding rabid water buffalo are cooperative.
It is said that the generation at Sinai were so saintly that they were zoiche to receive the Toirah, with each generation further removed from that event having less virtue, and less knowledge.
Kinda makes you wonder why they weren’t good enough to enter the promised land, doesn’t it?
To be charitable, they must have had a really horrible press-agent, nebech, seeing as what eventually got written about them makes them seem like a bunch of whining, disobedient, and willful brats, just leaping at any opportunity to worship heathen gods, take yoga classes, smoke dope, and paint the desert red. ….. Oops, sorry, no press-agent - the Toirah was dictated word for word to Moishe. And nothing was added or subtracted. They really were a bunch of wild animals. Really.
Which leads us to the conclusion that they must have just BARELY achieved the minimum level of sanctity required for receiving the Toirah. And, as doing and learning (na’aseh ve nishma - we will do and we will hear) are an ongoing process of development and constant improvement, perhaps with each generation further removed from Sinai we become better than them! Now there’s a thought. Ober sowieso, a sofek (unresolved issue).
Indeed, this paradox is highlighted in the following Maiyseh Shehoyo: In the late 1950s, the Bobover Rebbe was sitting in first class on an airplane next to the famous playwright Arthur Miller. The playwright observed the care and reverence with which the Bobover Chassidim escorted their Rebbe through the airport, got him settled on the plane, and checked on his well-being periodically. Miller turned to the Rebbe and asked, "Rabbi, how come it is that when I lecture at a university, a pillar of secular knowledge, I am treated casually by the students, even with disrespect, while you, teaching an archaic tradition, are treated with respect, almost as a beloved surrogate parent, by your followers?"
Maise shehoyo = A tale of real events.
The Bobover Rebbe = Rabbi Shlomo Halberstam (1906 - 2000), head of a Chassidische group named after Bobova, a town in Galicia (southern Poyland).
Bobover Chassidus starts with Rav Shloime Halberstam (1847 - 1906), a descendant of the Maharal (Moreinu HaRav Yudah Loew Ben Betzalel (Our teacher Rabbi Judah Loew, son of Betzalel, born circa 1525 - died 1609, a descendant of Rashi (mediaeval Torah and Talmud commentator), Yohanan HaSandlar (one of the Tannaim referenced in the Talmud) and Dovid HaMelech, the great grandson of a shiksa (Ruth the Moabite, wife of Boaz)). Rav Shloime was also: a fourth generation descendant of Rabbi Yakov Emden (1696 - 1776); the grandson of the Rebbe of Tzanz Rabbi Chayim Halberstam (author of Divrei Chayim, born 1792 - died 1876); and a great grandson of the Ropshitzer, Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Horowitz (1760 - 1827). Imposante yichus!
He was succeeded by his son Rabbi Ben Tzion Halberstam (1874 - 1944), who was killed by the Ukrainian police in WWII. One of Ben Tzion'z daughters was the mother of the well-known author, Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski.
After the war, his oldest son, Rabbi Shlomo, the only son who had survived, rebuilt the tradition of Bobov in America, leading the group for over fifty years.
Rabbi Shlomo Halberstam's oldest son, Rabbi Naftuli Tzvi (named after his Holy Grandfather, the Ropshitzer Rov) became the head of Bobov in 2000, but passed away in 2005.
Arthur Miller (1915 - 2005), an American playwright of Jewish antecedents from Brooklyn, whose parents had immigrated from Poyland. He married Marilyn Monroe in 1956, several months after divorcing his first wife (Mary Slattery). Monroe converted to Judaism for the marriage, but lapsed back into goyishkeit upon divorcing Mr. Miller in 1961.
Note regarding the Ropshitzer (1760 – 1827), Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Horowitz (author of Zera Kodesh, Aliyah She Luchach, ), that he was a student of Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk (1717 – 1787), as were many other luminaries of that age. Rabbi Naftali’s son Eliezer (author of Imrei Noam) founded the Dzikov Chassidic dynasty (his son Rabbi Yehoshua Dzikover was the author of Sefer Ateres Yehoshua).
Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk (1717 – 1787), who was known as the Rebbe of all Rebbeim (according to Rav Aaron of Beltz) was a student of the Maggid of Mezeritch (1710 – 1772), successor of the Baal Shem Tov.
Rabbi Elimelech was also the teacher of several others who were gedolei ha dor (‘the greats of their age’): the seer of Lublin (Yakov Yitzhok Ha Chozeh, 1745 – 1815), the Koznitzer Maggid (Rabbi Yisroel Hopstein, 1746 - 1815, author of Avodas Yisroel), the Rimanover (Der Heilige Tzaddik Rabbi Menachem Mendel, 1745 - 1815), and the Apter Rav (Rabbi Avrahom Yehoshua Heschel, 1794 - 1876).
Yichus is not only ancestry, but also the inheritance of one’s teachers – their derech limud (way of learning), their attitudes and ideas, and even their approach to living.
Many talmidim of the past would go from town to town, studying under different teachers, and striving to learn from the greats of their age, creating precious notebooks of their studies as they went, and getting smicha from more than one rabbi. Of what use is a man with great ancestors, but no teachers? And of what use are teachers, if their students do not learn?
The Rebbe smiled, and replied, "It is very simple -- you, a secular person, tell your students that they are descended from monkeys, so when they look at you, they see a person one generation closer to their primitive ape past. We tell our students that they are descended from the generation at Sinai, so when they see me, they see a person one generation closer to the face to face encounter with the Aimisheh."
Arthur Miller stroked his chin and thought for a moment. And then he responded, "That may be true, but I am sleeping with Marilyn Monroe, so who cares?" The Bobover Rebbe, recognizing that he had lost the argument, never traveled by airplane again.
Marilyn Monroe = Wow! Mama! Ay yai yai yai yai. Ooh weeee! Born 1926, died under suspicious circumstance 1962. Original name: Norma Jean Mortenson. She had a stormy and unsettled life. She also had such screen presence. Ay yai yai yai yai. Oooh wee! The shiksa to end all shiksas. Knishes!
The Tanna Kamma alludes to this question in a Mishnah in Maseches Nidah, Perek Gimmul. He suggests that the reason the Aimishteh enacted restrictions on "relations" with one's wife during her natural cycle (Zman Nidasa) is so that 50% of Klal Yisroel will always be so frustrated they will be ready to go to war over a missing paper clip.
Why fifty percent? Because while she is nidah (menstruating), you may not touch her. And while she is zivah (experiencing the first week after), you may not touch her. If you're lucky, you'll have maybe one, two weeks. And while your mother in law is around, you may not touch her (shoot, there goes at least one night during Peysach), and when it's nitel night you may not touch her. And when….
Shoyn genug! That red-headed shiksa is starting to look real nice. Maybe she'll help me find my paperclip.
After then, knishes.
However, The Zohar tells a tale of Rav Shimon Bar Yochai sitting around a campfire with his female students and giving them life advice. He said, "When your husband calls you an idiot, it is the best news you have had all day." This is understood as a reference to the Kabbalistic understanding of the relationship between the Aimishteh and Klal Yisroel. The Aimishteh is seen as the groom, and the Jews as the bride. And what what could be more natural, or even healthy, than occasional bickering, or even a good knock-down-drag-out argument over who takes out the garbage or whose turn it is to do the dishes. Or in the case of Klal Yisroel, dancing around the Eigel Hazahav while eating traifus. Rather than leading to divorce, this keeps the marriage vibrant and stimulates the senses.
The Zohar = A mystical work of three volumes plus addenda describing events surrounding Shimon Bar Yochai and a group of his homies during Roman times. It was “discovered” by Moises ShemTov DeLeon nearly a millennium later, having been brought to Iberia allegedly by Rabbi Moises Ben Nachman (Nachmanides) as a souvenir from the Holy Land. There are numerous reasons to doubt the veracity of this story, however – not least of which is the air-journey of the book to the hand of Moises ShemTov DeLeon.
That the Zohar was written in Sfarad (Spain) is almost beyond doubt. That Rav Moises was the author, ein ha’chi na’mi (Aramaic: yes thus also). That it is in many ways a masterpiece containing much material that fascinates and stimulates, however, is entirely beyond dispute.
Whose turn it is to do the dishes = While it is true that my eishes chayil has hardly done them since early May, having been pre-occupied with an upcoming martial arts competition, that is not entirely a bad thing – the last time, I found the cheese knife in the fleishige drawer, and had to attack my cutlery with a blow-torch. If you want something done properly, it is best to do it yourself.
Eigel HaZahav = The golden calf which the Bnei Yisroel constructed while Moishe was up on the mountain.
Not only could Moishe not take them anywhere, he couldn’t leave them alone for even one minute. Big frat-boy parties the moment he’s distracted by a burning bush. Worse than that bunch who go into the California desert every summer for Burning Man, partying, dancing, drinking, smoking, knishes – damn hippies.
I am reminded of my own wedding day to my Bashert, Feige Breinah. As I stood under the Chuppah waiting for her to join me, I wished that the earth would open underneath my feet, just as it had for Koirach. Would I be a good husband? Could I manage a strong Jewish household? Would I be able to consummate my marriage that night without the ritual twenty minutes of begging?
Ritual twenty minutes of begging = Probably refers to Galitzianer minhag. From which I should know? In Brabant, we never observed that custom. How marvelous and varied are our people!
The moment of introspection was broken by my bride. As she walked down the aisle and circled me seven times, she softly whispered, "wipe that stupid look off your face; the video camera is running!!"
So a little tension between bride and groom is quite healthy. Klal Yisroel in the desert understood this, which is why they frequently rebelled, about leadership, about idols, about what to eat, and about leaving the comforts of Egypt.
In honor of the generation of the Exodus, we too must keep the vibrance and energy of the relationship with the Aimishteh alive. Consequently, we are compelled to eat the occasional traifus and watch the occasional game on Shabbos. We are supposed to have unclean thoughts and covet the property of others. For if we do not, we will fail to live up to the heritage of our forefathers.
Heritage of our forefathers = Probably refers to Galitzianer minhag. One should be keseder about minhag.
Keseder = Steadfast, constant, persistent. According to customary practice.
Ah gutten Shabbos, you minuval.
APPENDIX
That discussion of Marilyn Monroe gave me such a taiva for knishes I don’t know why.
So. Vie macht man knishes?
Azoy!
DOUGH:
Two cups plain flour.
Quarter cup water
Two to four Tbs cooking oil or geshmolte schmaltz
Two eggs.
A pinch of salt.
In a steel bowl klop and klots the egg with the oil and the water. Mix in the flour, adding more as needed and knead till you have a smooth dough, just barely tacky. Do not overwork the dough! You don’t want a tough crust.
Ball it, cover, and let it rest for about half an hour.
FILLING:
One cup coarse mashed potatoes.
One onion, chopped.
One Tablespoon cooking oil.
Plenty of salt and pepper.
Chopped parsley.
In a frypan sauté the onion golden.
Mix the potato-mash, gilded onion, parsley, salt and pepper together. Adjust taste. A pinch nutmeg is good to add, but isn’t customary.
On a greased or floured surface roll out dough to a rectangle about ten by twenty inches, cut in half lengthwise, then cut each length of dough across into four.
Place a portion of the filling on each square, flatten it, and fold each square of dough over, taking the corners and pulling them over the filling to join in the center. A bit of whapping and tweaking to get nice square shapes is all it takes, if there’s a little dough flapping extra per knish, trim it with a paring knife.
Or simply do as if making apple turnovers – who says you have to be perfect?
Brush a little butter on top.
Bake thirty to forty minutes in the oven at 375 degrees (preheated) till nice.
Of course, you could just go to Yonah Schimmel’s…..
