With The Commentary of the RABAM
Parshas Shlach Lecha
Shlach lecha = Send for yourself
This week's parsha, Shlach Lecha, is one of the most confusing parshiyois in Kol Hatoirah Kooloh. Takkah, I had to read it three times to make sure it wasn't the latest issue of the National Enquirer. Or even worse, a medrish.
Kol haTorah k'alo = The whole noble Torah
Takkah = Indeed, verily. Yiddish, from the Poylish affirmative.
National Enquirer = Bubba meise and superstition; groyse apikorsus, believed like the revealed word by halberkopfen. Frog nisht.
Medrish = Derivational lesson or tale. A lecture, at times a harangue.
Moishe Rabbeinu sends twelve spies into Eretz Yisroel to determine the fertility of the land, the vulnerability of the local populations, and the volatility of interest rates. The meraglim come back and claim at first that the land is fertile, but the locals are too intimidating. They later change their story to say that the land itself does not provide adequate sustenance. Why can't they make up their minds, those mishagayim? Only Yehoshua and Culayv are optimistic about Klal Yisrael's ability to conquer the land.
(Meraglim = Spies. Their names are specifically mentioned, as a warning and as a public humiliation, to be painfully repeated whenever this passage is read, until at last like the name Haman, you’ve had it up to here! Who wrote this? What a yenta!
But who am I to break with a fine tradition?
So here goes - Bamidbar (Numbers) 13:4 through 13:17 "Ve ele shemotam: le mate Reuven, Shamua BenZakur. Le mate Shimon, Shafat BenChori. Le mate Yehuda, Kalev BenYefune. Le mate Yisashchar, Yigal BenYosef. Le mate Efrayim, Hoshea BenNun. Le mate Benyamin, Palti BenRafu. Le mate Zevulun, Gadiel BenSodi. Le mate Yosef, le mate Menashe, Gadi BenSusi. Lemate Dan, Amiel BenGemali. Lemate Asher, Setur BenMichael. Lemate Naftali, Nachbi BenBapsi. Lemate Gad, Geuel BenMachi. Ele shemot ha'anashim ashero shalach Moishe latur et ha'arets va yikra Moishe le Hoshea Ben Nun Yehoshua. Va yishlach otam Moishe latur et erets Kena'an va yomer aleihem alu ze ba negev va alitem et hahar."
(And these were their names: of the tribe of Reuben, Shamua the son of Zakur. Of the tribe of Simon, Shafat the son of Hori. Of the tribe of Judah, Caleb the son of Yefuneh. Of the tribe of Issachar, Yigal the son of Yoisef. Of the tribe of Ephraim, Hoshea the son of Nun. Of the tribe of Benjamin, Palti the son of Rapoo. Of the tribe of Zebulun, Gadiel the son of Sodi. Of the tribe of Joseph, namely, of the tribe of Manasah, Gaddi the son of Susy. Of the tribe of Dan, Ammiel the son of Gemalli. Of the tribe of Asher, Sethur the son of Michael. Of the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi the son of Boopsy. Of the tribe of Gad, Geuel the son of Machi. These are the names of the men that Moses sent to scope out the land. And Moses called Hoshea, the son of Nun Joshua. And Moses sent them to scope out the land of Canaan, and told them: 'Go up into the Negev (south), and go up into the mountains.)
Confusing point #1: What could these people have been thinking? I mean, why would Yehoshua and Culayv be interested in Eretz Yisroel? How about Madagascar? What about Miami Beach? Or Brooklyn?
The Gematria of Madagascar is 407, the same as 'AND', the sixth word in the first sentence of Bereishis, placed between heaven and earth (Bereishit bara Elohim et ha-shamayim ve'et ha'arets).
From this the Bavunder Maggid concludes that Madagascar is halfway between Brooklyn and Miami Beach. Taking it even further, he writes (in Sefer Gibberei Mashuggos) that the first three localities mentioned in Bereishis are heaven, earth, and Goyn Eiden; if Brooklyn is earth and Miami Beach is heaven, then Madagascar is, logically speaking, the garden.
A documentary about Madagascar is playing in theatres this summer. If we didn't abjure all such Apikorsishe entertainments and weren't up at the bungalow colony (hahar) for the entire month, we would go ourselves, but in any case there is no reason people such as yourselves should not.
Also, as the spies were surveying the Promised Land, why didn't the meraglim note that the hotels are overpriced; the people are rude; it's hard to find a decent kosher meal in Tel Aviv; oh, and HALF THE POPULATION WANTS TO KILL YOU!!!!
‘Hotels are overpriced’ = Fitting come-uppance for those who stubbornly remain in golus (exile); a painful reminder that instead of just visiting, you should make Aliyah. Get your own apartment, it's a mitzvah.
Hard to find a decent Kosher meal in Tel Aviv = This is what happens when apikorsim meet the miracle of shrimp. And crawdaddies. And lobster. And crab.
We recommend shlepping along your own food. Canned gefilte fish, canned matzo ball soup, canned chreyn, canned matzebrei, and canned cholov yisroel from the U.S.
And spam.
Half the population wants to kill you = Envy. You brought canned foods.
Takkah, according to a medrish in Divrei Hayamim Rabbah, the meraglim never even made it into the heartland. Unbeknownst to Moishe Rabbeinu and the Bnei Yisroel, the spies secretly went down to Eilat and spent seven days on the beach ogling at the topless Scandinavian women.
Divrei Hayamim = The Words of Ages; the Book of Chronicles.
Divrei Hayamim Rabbah = Commentary on the book of Chronicles.
Topless Scandinavian women = The Rebbe of Prolicz’s favourite blessing was the following: ‘Baruch Ata Hashem Elokeinu, Melech Ha-Olam, she-lo chisar ba olamo-davar, u-bara bo beriyos tovos, va Skandinaviyim tovim, le chanos bahem bnei adam’ (Blessed art thou oh lord our Reboinoisheloilum, king of the universe, for naught is lacking in the world of creation, and there are beautiful creatures, and fine blondes, for men to enjoy). Brocha for naches.
Confusing point #2: When Klal Yisroel, those bahaimas, panicked and longed to return to Egypt, the Reboinoisheloilum decides to kill them all. Moishe Rabbeinu pleads for their lives by using a somewhat surprising argument: (Bamidbar, Perek Yud Daled, Pussook Tess Vuv- Tess Zayin) "... if you (the Aimishteh) shall destroy this People in a single instance, the nations (of the world) which have heard of you will say, 'The Aimishteh slaughtered this People in the desert because He was unable to bring them into the Land which he swore to them...'"
"The Reboinoisheloilum decides to kill them all" = Though they were made in his image. A profound example of a self-hating Aimishteh. You thought a self-hating Jew was a terror.
‘Moishe: “... if you shall destroy this People ---- the nations --- will say…”’ = From this we know that there is a purpose to the nations of the world, namely as witnesses to the exaltation of Israel.
How do we know this?
The Aibishter whacked all the first-born of Egypt, and destroyed Pharaoh’s army at the Yam Soof, but did the nations of the world notice? Nooooope!
There is no mention whatsoever, Zip Ben Diddly, in any of the records of the nations of the world, of the plagues or that incident with Pharaoh's army and the pontoon bridges. None. Not even one sentence.
This shows that crap happening to other people hardly gets noticed, but if anything happens to Yisroel, the Goyim will suddenly sit up with a big smile all over their collective ponim. For which the modern age provides abundant proofs. Read the news! Yisroel gets slammed in the U.N., and all of Edom has a collective orgasm. A soldier sneezes in Yerushalayim, and the Europeans have a fit. Sharon has dyspepsia, and I can't go to Berkeley for several weeks.
So finally we get the kotel back (after HOW many centuries of "le shana haba bi Yerushalayim"!?!!?), and on Jerusalem day I'm standing on a San Francisco street corner getting yelled at by tipshim from the ‘Mothers of Peaceniks’, ‘A Farbissene Yiddishe Kol’, ‘Goyishe Antvort’, and several other luftmenshen und crazy crackers! From this I shouldn't need! They should kreig a kolere!
Damned hippies.
In other words, "What will the Goyim say?" What will the Goyim say?!!! Who does Moishe think he is -- Ariel Sharon or Simon Peres?
Since when does Moishe Rabbeinu worry about the Goyim? Since when does any Jew worry about the opinions of the Goyim, those anti-Semites? Why, as is well known, in the world to come, the GOOD Goyim will walk around all day holding onto my tzitzis. And the BAD Goyim are going to be my "bitches", since, according to the Ari Zahl, when Moshiach comes there will no longer be a prohibition of Mishkav Zachar (homosexuality).
(Ariel Sharon or Simon Peres = At first glance this seems to compare Moishe, on the one hand with Ariel Sharon (born 1928 in Kfar Malal), on the other hand with Simon Peres (born 1923 in Vishniev, Poyland, a first-cousin of Lauren Bacall, in mittn drinnen). These two men could not be more different. Mr. Sharon is a belligerent bulvan foon rechts, and Simon Peres is an argumentative politisyerist foon links.
Sharon kumt oys Likud, and Peres is from Labour (Mapai). Jakov und Esav. Cayin und Eyvel. Sam und Janet.
But ken man rhetorically ask which one Moishe is? No, ad de raba (au contraire)! What is meant is not an equating with one or the other, but posing Moishe on one side, Sharon AND Peres together on the other, thus highlighting how absurd it is for Moishe to be like modern leaders who play to the gallery.
World to come = Olam Haba.
Tzitzis = The threads attached to four-cornered garments, which are mentioned in Devarim (Deuteronomy) 22:12 "Gedilim ta'aselach al arba kanfot kesutcha asher techase ba." (You shall make twisted threads on the four corners (arba kanfot) of your shawl with which you cover yourself.).
There are such fringes on tallis (‘prayer shawls’), and on a garment worn under the shirt, the arba kanfos (arba kanfot = four corners; four-cornered garment), also known as a tallis katan (smaller tallis), of which the fringes or tassels are worn hanging outside the clothes so that you may look upon them and be reminded of (all) the commandments.
It is written in Bamidbar (Numbers) 15:37 "Va yomer Adonai el Moishe, lemor: " (And the LORD spoke to Moishe, saying:) 15:38 "Daber el benei Yisrael ve amarta aleihem ve asu lahem tsitsit al kanfei vigdeihem le dorotam ve noatnu al tsitsit ha kanaf petil techelet," (Speak to the children of Israel and order them to make fringes on the corners of their garments, for all generations, and that in fringes there be a thread of blue); 15:39 "ve haya lachem le tsitsit u reitem oto u zechartem et kol mitsvot Adonai, va asitem otam, ve lo taturu acharei levavchem ve acharei eineichem asher atem zonim achareihem" (And it shall be to you for a tsitsit, so that you may look at it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them, and that you do not go after your heart and your eyes, which you use to go off-course); 15:40 "lema'an tizkeru va asitem et kol mitsvotai, v' ihyitem kedoshim leloheichem" (so that you remember and do all My commandments, and be holy unto your G_d). 15:41 "Ani Adonai Eloheichem asher hotseti et-chem me erets Mitsrayim l'ihyot lachem l'Elohim - Ani Adonai Eloheichem!" (I am the LORD your G_d, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your G_d - I am the LORD your G_d!).
About verse 41, we know, we know! Genug already, sol sayn shtil.
Holding onto tzitzis = There are eight strings on each corner, thirty two strings in all. From this we know that for each adult male Jew there shall be thirty two good Goyim - which means that there are over four hundred million Goyim Tovim. But the world population is over six billion people, so, as you can see, we are vastly outnumbered, even with the gitter goy contingent.
Nevertheless, four hundred million Goyim Tovim seems an impossibly large number... The Bavunder Maggid, however, says what is meant instead is that the number of Goyim Tovim will correspond to the number of techeiles, in which case you should make sure you have genuine blue murex (chilazon) threads or you’ll lose out, and better you should pick your bitches now.
Anti-Semite = Bad Goy! No bagel!
Arizal = Rabbi Yitzhak Luria (1534 - 1572). A famous Kabbalist who lived in Tsfat (Safed) in Israel. Lurianic Kabbalah is named after him.
Kabbalah = Mysticism, but also meditation, symbology, gematria, and several other things. A mind expanding metaphysical philosophy which has influenced much Jewish thought in the last four or five centuries, especially in Eastern Europe. Also an affectation of a bunch of shallow show-biz twits, much like yoga and the EST were thirty years ago. It's a living.
Prohibition of Mishkav Zachar = It is written in Vayikra (Leviticus) 18:22 "V'et zachar lo tishkav mishkvei ishah to'evah hu” (And with a male do not lie down in bed of a woman - it is nasty).
And in verse 20:13 "V'ish asher yishkav et zachar mishk'vei ishah to'evah asu shneihem mot yumatu - dameihem b'em" (And a man lies down with a male in the beds of women, both of them have done something icky: dying, they will die! Their blood is on them.).
But does this necessarily mean homosexuality? Two other interpretations present themselves – one relating to female impurity, the other to heathen ritual.
Female impurity (because of the menses) which affects everything she rests upon, is quite the most likely - a man who lies on the bed of a menstruating woman becomes ritually polluted and must cleanse himself, much like a man who has a nocturnal emission or one who touches a corpse. The more men, the greater pollution.
The other possibility is in reference to heathen religious sex rituals, which were staggeringly popular among the Canaanites (and the Greeks, the original Apikorsim), which I will spare you details and not describe. Suffice to say that the heathen had congress with either gender of man or beast. The sheer mechanical aspect of such activity absolutely contradicts a healthy emotional relationship between two people who are committed to each other, entirely separate from the obviously horrific sin of participating in avoidah zara.
A man who opportunistically takes another man to bed while his wife is off limits (nidah), and does so in his wife’s bed to boot, is clearly beyond the pale. Men with aza netiyois should not marry women, even if we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply.
Of course, if you are a Canaanite or any other non-Jew, you need not be multipliciously fruitful - there are more than enough of you already. But the same principle holds - you shall not treat your eishes chayil (your good woman) this way, so don't do this in your wife's bed, nor even in the same house, you mechutzeff!
Grada, that is what kollel is for
Or the gym for Goyim.
Refer also to Reb Shlomo Kluger (see P. H. for Acharei Mois).
Marrying the other sex is not for everyone. Why increase unhappiness in the world? Better look to your own wellbeing than insist that someone with needs which will not be met by marriage with the opposite gender make of one unhappy person two unhappy people.
Again, kollel. Soif mayse.
Need I mention that men NEVER get nidah? Or accidentally pregnant. These are things to think about. Plus, nothing says HOT like a big hairy streimel - which ought to please all of you Gallitziyaners! You’re the epitome of geshmak. Who knew?
Streimel = Variation of a Kulpak.
‘Their blood is upon them’ = Stop before you bleed.
Blood is issur.)
No wonder Moishe was never let into Eretz Yisroel! If he likes the Goyim so much, he should learn to play golf and shave with a blade.
The RAIVID, when looking at this episode, suggests that Moishe was secretly trying to anger Hakodoshboruchhu in order to be released from his contract. The Mesopitamians were offering him 50% more per year to be their leader, four weeks of vacation, plus unlimited use of the corporate magic carpet.
The Raivid = The Wanderer. Name of a Poylish Talmud commentator, from his sefer ‘Ravid HaZahav’. I think this is Reb Yisroel Dov of Yeshnitz, who studied under Rav Naftali Zvi Horowitz (the Ropshitzer Rov, 1760 - 1827), who was a talmid of Rabbi Mendel of Riminef and Rabbi Yisroel of Koshnitz, and a follower in the footsteps of the Baal Shem Toiv. So this suggests Galician Chassidus.
Now note that the Bobover Rebbes are descendants of the Ropshitzer. So Tsantz and Bobov are connected (via the author of Divrei Chayim (Words of Life), Rav Chayim of Tsantz, a talmid of the Ropshitzer).
But if by the Raivid is instead actually meant the Ravad (Rabbi Avraham Ben David, 1125 – 1198, the ‘baal hasagot’ (master of critiques), Talmudic scholar from northern Franc), you've learned eppis anyway, don't kvetch.
However, the RAMBAN holds that Moisheh made the defensive argument in earnest. And, remarkably, the Aimishteh ultimately relented and did not destroy Klal Yisroel (though He did raise management fees by 50 basis points).
The Rambam = Rabbi Moses Ben Maimon (1135 – 1204), of whom surely you've heard? A major name in Talmud studies. If you're Yemeni, possibly the only name.
Mi Moishe ad Moishe lo kam ki Moishe – From Moses (our teacher) to Moses (Ben Maimon) there was none like Moses.
What is going on here? I am reminded of a famous story in Gemarrah Yevumois about Rabbi Tarfun. Once, at the end of a three day yuntif, Rabbi Tarfun went to put out the last of his garbage bags. However, he found that all the garbage cans outside of his house were full.
He was about to put the bags into the cans of his gentile neighbors, when his wife stopped him, and insisted that he get permission first. "Why?" he asked her, as she painted the toe nails of their thirteen daughters.
Gemarrah Yevumois, Yevamos = Tractate of Levirates, dealing with Levirate marriage (marriage to a brother’s widow, obligatory when there was no issue at the time the borther died) and minors, in the Talmud, which if you have brothers you should read. Yevamois is the first tractate in the order of Nashim (women). According to the Rambam, Yevamois comes first because Levirate marriage is a compulsory commandment, whereas the matters which are dealt with in subsequent tractates in this order are largely voluntary.
I'm not at all sure that the Rambam knew what he was talking about (and I’m getting a little tired of him being such a know-it-all).
Rabbi Tarfon, a Talmudic sage, contemporary of Rabbi Akiva. Second century C.E.
Three day Yuntif = When a two day holiday coincides with the Sabbath, it becomes three days. One extra day of Kedusha. Great joy.
She responded, "you never know when you are going to need a gentile's help." And it came to pass that three weeks later, as he tried to assemble his childrens' new swing set, the gentile next door was the only person in the entire neighborhood who knew how to change the head of a socket wrench.
Socket wrench = I do not know what this means. Cars? Telephones? Shiksas? Voss?
This theme is also addressed in a famous story in the Zoihar. Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai was sitting in the cave where he hid from the Romans for 14 years. After spending an afternoon meditating, Rabbi Shimon fell asleep. Using his deep Kabbalistic knowledge and the pureness of his soul, he summoned the presence of the Reboinoisheloilum. "What do you want, Reb Shimon, I'm on another call," Hakkadoshboruchhu asked.
The Zohar = ‘The Splendour'; the all-time bestselling classic of Kabbalah, probably written by Moses ShemTov DeLeon, who claimed that it was actually written by Shimon Bar Yochai a millenium earlier. It is a long disquisitory novel about Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai and several of his contemporaries during the Roman period.
Moses DeLeon may indeed have transmitted teachings that dated back to Shimon Bar Yochai, but Shimon Bar Yochai did not write them in such beautiful mediaeval Aramaic, and remarkably, naught was ever mentioned about this book until Moses DeLeon discovered it.
There are words and explanations within which are clearly of a later era, the Aramaic used is not the author’s native tongue, many Hebrew and Aramaic words from related roots but with different meanings are confused, and there are numerous neologisms that point to Spain and southern France as the environment of the author.
Rabbi Jacob Emden (1697 – 1776), not exactly an intellectual featherweight (although in his own time not at peace with several other scholarly luminaries, quarrelsome patzer) thought the Zohar was a load of bunkum.
Im-kol-zeh (nevertheless), the Zohar has over time proven so interesting and thought-provoking that it has risen to a prominence not granted many other Kabalistic texts. So do not dismiss it out of hand.
As to Moses DeLeon’s motive in dissimulating, it may have been monetary – he was mamesh in dire need of funds most of the time. (Contemporaries were charged for the right to copy the “holy words” out of Reb Moses’ manuscript.) But it is possible that he really believed that what he wrote was ancient wisdom, received either through written and/or oral transmission, or “discovered” and recorded while in a trance-like state. And by advertising it as the work of a legendary Tanna (teacher of the Mishnaic period) he may have hoped to ensure its wider dissemination. Scholars worldwide, since the beginning of literature, have ever done likewise, and for similar reasons.
"Aimishteh," Rabbi Shimon responded, "I am getting tired of living in this filthy cave. Can you please take me away from all this suffering, and reward me with land and wealth and lots of spare time for Toirah and day trading? Why do the Goyim have it so good, while I, one of your chosen few, continue to struggle?"
Day Trading = Stock Market speculating. Buying stock on an upswing, selling before it plummets.
The Reboinoisheloilum paused for a moment, and then responded in a low monotonous tone that was little above a whisper. "Reb Shimon, how many people in the world are there?" He asked.
"Why, about six billion" Rabbi Shimon slowly responded.
Hakkadoshboruchhu continued. "And how many Jews are there in the world?"
Again, Rabbi Shimon answered, this time quickly, and with more confidence in his voice. "I would guess about twenty million."
The Aimishteh then raised His voice. "So do you think that in a world of six billion people, all reality revolves around the actions and the fate of 20 million people, three tenths of one percent of the global population? What kind of crack are you smoking in that cave, you michutziff??"
So the truth is, the non-Jewish world and world opinion do matter.
This may not make sense to you, you amhaaretz, but neither does shatnez or yeshiva tuition.
Amha'aretz = Earth person, peasant, and hence not a scholar. Thus coming to mean an ignoramus.
Shatnez = A clever mechanism whereby certain merchants maintain an extortionate monopoly in drab and tasteless shmatte…, I mean, a commandment not to mix linen and wool. It's a purity issue.
Yeshiva tuition = Only at Yeshiva Chipass Emess do you get what you pay for. Other yeshivot? We do not speak lashon horo.
It also doesn't make sense that after witnessing all the miracles of the exodus from Egypt, the ten plagues, the crossing of the Red Sea, and receiving the Toirah, Klal Yisroel continue to rebel against the Reboinoisheloilum at every turn. But they should get over it already, and so should you.
Miracles of the Exodus = The chief miracle, entirely unsung, is that all Bnei Yisroel left Egypt AT THE SAME TIME! Wives, infants, and inconsiderate spoiled brat teenagers.
I can’t even get the mishpoche into the station wagon on time for the yearly trip through the woods and over the hills to Bubby’s house for kretchma…, I mean Peysach! You never heard aza geshrei und gekretz! An opera! But kol bnei Yisroel left as one? My, such achdus! This proves that we were chosen, nu? I’m kvelling.
Life doesn't make sense. And if you don't like it, you can always quit the religion and convert to Catholicism. There are a lot more of them.
Convert to Catho…. = Some had already tried that. Then they went to Amsterdam and promptly became Calvini… I mean, went back to the tofel emunah (old religion), and lovingly reassumed its customs and creed, like once more putting on an old and well loved garment, which was, though worn in spots, still radiantly evocative of the dignity and grace of a priestly nation and a people chosen above all others. Baruch HaShem.
Also I hear the tuition is cheaper. Plus you are likely to make a little extra cash when the Church pays you off after abusing your children for twelve years.
Twelve years = You could save on Bar Mitzvah catering. On the other hand, you think your relatives will NOT come when there is shrimp?
Ah Gutten Shabbos, You Minuval.
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