With The Commentary of the RABAM
Toldos = Generations. The continuation of Abraham’s family. Psukim 25:19 through 28:9.
Seifer Bereishis wastes much time on sifrei tolados (genealogical records), and in many ways the entire book can be said to be themed as linked generational lists, starting with Tolados Shamayim v’Aretz (generations of heaven and earth, psook 2:4), Tolados Adam (from Adam to Noach and the dor ha mabool), Tolados Bnei Noach (Shem, Cham, Yafet, and the dor ha migdal Bavel), and the Tolados Shem (Shem to Terach, and the focus on Avraham Avinu). Generally speaking, the progression is from the general to the particular – mankind in chapters one through eleven, the Avos (fathers) in 12 through 50.
One other theme running through Bereishis is chosen (bechira) versus rejected (dechiya).
In this weeks Parsha, Toildois, we learn how truly dysfunctional Yitzchak Avinu's family was. Indeed, the Parsha tells us about the lies, the deception, the struggle of brother against brother. I swear, Toildois sounds more like General Hospital than an account of our holy forebears.
Dysfunctional = From the incest of Adam and Eve’s offspring, through the bestiality of the generations preceding Noach, the subsequent strengthening of the incestuous tradition immediately after the landing of the Ark (unless of course they “had” animals on the Ark, if you know what I mean), human sacrifice, genital mutilation, concubinage, and Noam Chomsky.
One prime example of the dysfunctional family came in last week’s Parsha: Yitzhak gets married at forty years old to Rivka.
Rashi tells us that at the time of the marriage was three years old. Ibn Ezra avers instead a strapping teenager.
Rav, commenting on a passage in Kiddushin about betrothal, says “It is forbidden for a father to betroth her (his daughter) until she is grown up, and says that she wants her fiancé. Shoyn, from this we shper that Betuel, Rivka’s father, may have been ambivalent about this deal.
Rashi solves the problem by having an angel whack Betuel and then has Eliezer hurry off with the prospective bride.
Yes, the family was so dysfunctional, it made medieval Rabbis sound like Walt Disney when they tried to explain it.
Take the account of Rivka Imainu. We learn right away that Rivka was barren. This leads to an obvious question pondered by Chazzal as they were standing behind the mikvah, trying to sneak a peek through the cracks in the wall: Why is it that 75% of the Imahois were barren? That includes Sarah, Rivka, and Rachel. (Leah Imainu, on the other hand was so fertile she had to be fitted with a chastity belt with a combination lock to keep her out of trouble.)
Chazal = Chameinu zichrono livracha: our sages of blessed memory.
Barren = A condition which maintained until they had sons – which we’ve never since been allowed to forget. Sons. Not daughters. Sons. Lawyers, accountants, captains of stone-age industry. Daughters, feh!
Sarah bore Yitzhak when she was ninety years old, Rivkah did not bear children until twenty years after marrying Yitzhak, and Rachel did not bear offspring until after her older sister Leah, her handmaiden, and her older sister’s handmaiden had all got seed from Yaakov.
According to Rabbeinu Tam, there was actually nothing physically wrong with these women. It is just that the Avois were very, very holy. They were studying Toirah 20 hours a day, sitting in the Bais Medrish holding hands with their Chavrusa, never realizing they should be home having relations with their wives or their girlfriends. What Kedushah!
Rabbeinu Tam = Rabbi Yaacov Ben Meir (1100 - 1171). The grandson of Rashi (1040 - 1105). Tam, which means simple, straightforward or righteous, was the characteristic ascribed to Yaacov the brother of Esav, so Rabbeinu Tam translates as 'our righteous rabbi'.
Beis Medrish = House of study. A synagogue, a shul, an academy.
Kedushah = Holiness, sanctity, saintliness.
What Kedushah = Such a marvelous cover-up for a lack of interest, mishkav zachor, low sperm count due to fatty foods, pizza and beer, narrow urethras, and camels.
Indeed, according to the Chassam Soifer, the reason the Imahois were constantly telling people that their husbands were actually their brothers is because they were love starved and were looking for a little action. And if they could shack up with a local king they might even get a nice bauble out of the deal.
Chasam Sofer = Moises Shreiber (1762 – 1839). Rabbi of Bratislava from 1806 till his death. His nickname is from the title of a book he wrote: Chidushei Toireh Moishe (the interpretation of the Torah of Moses), to which the translation of his surname is appended – a sofer is a shreiber, or scribe
Shack up with a local king = Pharaoh and Avimelech.
Sarah Imaeinu was one of the most beautiful women in history, or at least in the Torah. There are two incidents where kings seized Sarah while she and Avraham traveled through their land. Both times Avraham claimed that Sarah was his sister, fearing that if he admitted that she was his wife, they would kill him.
In Parshas Lech Lecha (Go out yourself! Psukim 12:1 through 17:27), the Pharoh of Egypt took Sarah into his palace. Hashem prevented Pharoh from getting familiar with Sarah by sending an angel. Each time Pharaoh tried to get close, the angle hit him. Pharaoh got the hint and returned Sarah to Avraham.
In Parshas Vayera (And he showed up! Psukim 18:1 through 22:24) the Torah says that when Avraham and Sarah lived in the Land of Gerar, King Avimelech took Sarah into his palace. This time, instead of an angel, Hashem himself came to Avimelech in a dream and chewed him out him for taking a married woman. Avimelech claimed innocence since he thought that Sarah was Avraham`s sister. Hashem punished Avimelech and his servants by preventing them from relieving themselves and producing children.
The Talmud says that as soon as Avraham prayed on behalf of Avimelech and his household so that they could have children, they became aware that Sarah was already pregnant with Yitzhak, and they were healed.
Sarah subsequently gave birth to Yitzhak at the ripe old age of ninety.
From this we learn that if someone prays for mercy on another's behalf, when he too needs mercy he himself is given mercy first.
However, according to the RIF, we should go with the Pashut Pshat, the simple interpretation of the Toirah. It really was Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak Avinu who asked their wives to make believe they were their sisters whenever they would meet a head of state. However, the real reason was not that they were afraid for their lives. Rather, it is because they were both pretty kinky and were titilated by the thought of sharing a mate with powerful individuals. He cites as proof a Medrish in Beraishis Rabbah that says that Avraham Avinu was a cross-dresser, and that Yitzchak Avinu once asked Rivka to wear a strap-on.
The RIF = Rabbi Yitzhak El Fassi, 1013 – 1103. Author of the Sefer Halachot (Book Of The Laws), and Talmud commentator. The RIF and his supercommentator the RAN (Rabbeinu Nisim ben Rav Reuven Girondi, d. ~1380, author of the Chiddushei Ha Ran – Innovativa of the RAN) are printed in the back of the Gemoro, along with the Rosh
The Rosh = Rabbeinu Asher, b.1250 or 1259 d.1328, a student of Rabbi Meir Ben Baruch of Rothenburg , b.1215 d.1293). After the crusaders went berserk in the Rhineland in 1306, Rabbi Asher Ben Yechiel fled to Barcelona, then to Toledo, where he was appointed head judge of the Jewish community there. The Rosh represents the continuation of the mediaeval Jewish scholarship of the Tosafists in exile in Sepharad.
His son, the Baal Ha Turim (Master Of The Rows; Rabbi Yakov Ben Asher, 1270 – 1340), is of course the famous author of the Arba Turim, a bavuste compendium of Halacha in four sections: Orach Chayim (Path of Life; worship and ritual), Yoreh Deah (Teach Knowledge; prohibitions and impurities), Even Ha Ezer (Rock of the Helper; marriage and family, plus divorce), and Chosen Mishpat (Breastplate of Judgement; administration and civil laws).
Rabbi Yakov Ben Asher often follows the opinions of his father Rabbi Asher Ben Yehiel (the Rosh), but also refers to opinions of the RIF, as well as the scholars of Tzarfas (France) and Ashkenaz (Germany). Rabbi Yoisef Karo based his work the Beis Yoisef on the Arba Turim.
Rabbi Yakov Ben Asher also wrote a Torah commentary, which, though occasionally anal retentive and irritatingly, blitheringly meshune, is worth reading.
Cross-dresser = Fore-shadowing that lengthy robe-like get-up that the Kohanim wore. But how stylish! Just like the totally fab outfits that Faye Dunaway had on in Mommy Dearest (1981). Stunning, and not just for Chag Ha Levine anymore. Year round clothes hangers and axes.
A strap-on = Think leather straps tightly crisscrossing the flesh, standing out starkly against the flabby white skin. Oooh.
Like any good soap opera, Parshas Toldois shares with us the full range and volatility of human emotions across the broad spectrum of human experience. A famous Medrish tells us that halfway through Parshas Toldois Rivka was diagnosed with depression. And who can blame her? The Toirah tells us that the Aimishteh told Rivka Imainu "Shnay Goyim BaVitnaych --Two gentiles are in your womb" (Beraishis, Perek Chuf Hay, Pussook Chuf Gimmul). Hey, it's bad enough you have to put up with them at work. If you were told you had two of them in your stomach, you'd need Prozac too!
Shnay Goyim B’Vitneich = The question we must ask is how did they get there? The second question is, ‘who had too much to drink, and how much is too much?’
Of course, the two brothers that were in Rivka's womb grew up to be Ya'akov and Eisav, who through their descendants make up the nations of Klal Yisroel and Edom. We learn so many lessons from them:
-- From Ya'akov -- we learn to take advantage of people who are weak
-- From Ya'akov -- we learn to lie to our parents, and in doing so, to disrespect them, and by inference, disrespect the Reboinoisheloilum as well
-- From Yaakov -- we learn to covet that which belongs to another
-- From Ya'akov -- we learn to steal
-- From Eisav -- we learn to kill.
So, basically, from Eisav, and especially from Ya'akov, we learn to violate all 10 of the 10 Commandments. Thank Hakkadoshboruchhu! All those nasty restrictions were beginning to cramp my style.
Our forefathers are an example to us.
As they grew up, Eisav and Ya'akov became very different people. The Toirah tells us that Eisav became a great hunter and a man of the fields. But Ya'akov did not. According to a Gemarrah in Sotah, while Eisav went off to hunt, Ya'akov went off to study ballet. No wonder Yitzchak didn't want to give him his blessing.
Gemara = The extension of the spare case descriptions of the Mishnah, with commentary, analysis, and narrative background. The Mishnah and the Gemara together form the Talmud, of which there are two versions: the Talmud of the Land (Talmud Yerushalmi), and the Talmud of the academies in Mesopotamia (Talmud Bavli). The later is taken as standard, being more complete, and reflecting a more developed point of view, having been completed over a century after the former (and benefiting from widespread dissemination under the auspices of the Islamic Caliphate in the latter centuries of the first millennium, then based in Bavel/Babylon/Iraq).
Gemara in Sotah = Tractate Sotah is the Talmud part which deals with straying women, who must swear that they are innocent, if there is no evidence that they went astray, and who will then be presumed not guilty. Mere suspicion on the husband’s part can be overcome by the wife taking an oath. The most peculiar part of the tractate, however, is the part in which a woman who is presumed to have given reason for suspicion can be forced to drink water mixed with floor-sweepings from the Temple - the sweepings or dust have to be poured upon the water, not the water upon the sweepings or dust. The exact amount of sweepings or dust, or substitutions for same if housekeeping has been by recently, is a matter of discussion.
After describing the meal offering which is to be made, the tractate veers off into legal differences between the genders, defilement, food, languages which can be used ritually, priestly benedictions, the king’s reading on the feast of tabernacles, military clergy, exemption from military service, and the breaking of a heifer’s neck.
Yitzchak didn't want to give him his blessing = Yitzhak soneh l’Yaakov, errrh, I mean Esav soneh l’Yaakov. Esau hates Jacob.
Yes, yes, that’s it; Esau hates Jacob. Which explains Rome whacking the Temple over a thousand years later.
In that same Gemarrah, Rav Yoichanan asks -- why is it that Yitzchak couldn't tell the difference between Ya'akov and Eisav, his own sons?
Couldn’t tell the difference = Being old and blind, he relied on smell and touch.
The Baal Ha Turetz says that both boys were hairy and smelly, but the Rebbe of Prolicz avers that Yaakov regularly shaved his back. The Rishas holds farkert: Yaakov actually had a total body wax before visiting the casinos in Atlantic City and dating show-girls, and ver veist, he might strike it lucky. This entire zach about a smooth torso and rub-on insta-bronze struck Yitzhak as being too la-loolah-loolah. Damn hippie.
Wherefore Yakov borrowed his mother’s fur coat.
As it says in Seyfer Dvarim (Deuteronomy), parshas Ki Seitzei (when you go out), psook 225: “lo yihye cheli gever al isha, ve lo yilbash gever simlat isha ki to’avat Adonai Eloheicha kol osele” (a women shall not wear what belongs to a man, nor a man wear a woman’s garment – whoever does so is all icky to the Lord). This follows, significantly, immediately after the verse in which we are told: “Lo tire et chamor achicha…” (you shall not look at your brother’s ass…)
I can’t tell you what the farkramptes have read into this juxtaposition. Ninety percent of the evil in the world is caused by simplistic interpretations of scripture, and most of the remaining ten percent by the IRS. Or by my mechutenista.
Anyhow, Yitzhak reaches out to pet Ya’akov’s back, which together with the smell convinced him it was Esav. No air-conditioning, no dry-cleaning. The Levant in mid-summer. Gevalt.
According to Reb Hai Goyn, Yitchak spent so much time studying Toirah and coaching the basketball team at Yeshivas Shame V-Ayver that he was never home to see his kids.
Reb Hai Gaon = Hai Ben Sherira Ha Gaon (939 – 1038), a multi-facetted and multi-lingual scholar, last of the Geonim (‘the greats’, ‘the geniuses’ – heads of the academy). These were the scholars who followed the Talmudic era, and transmitted their knowledge and tradition to the Rishonim (the European mediaeval scholars, such as Rashi, Rambam, and others).
Yeshiva Shem V’Eiver = The school where Yakov hid for fourteen years after cheating Esav and fooling Yitzhak. But what was this place?
It says in Bereishis, psook 4:26 "U le Shet gam-hu yulad ben va yikra et-shemo Enosh; az hu chal likro be shem Adonai" (and to Seth, to him also there was born a son, and he called his name Enosh; from then men started calling upon the name of the Lord). From this we learn that the name (shem) of the Lord is the means by which we call, hence the term ‘Hashem’, and we read in psook 9:26 that Shem was blessed by his father Noach in the following manner: “"Va yomer baruch Adonai Elohei Shem, vi hi Chenaan eved lamo" (and he said ‘blessed is the Lord the God of Shem, and let it be that Canaan is their servant). Noach had named his son Shem (‘name’) in reference to psook 4:26, because of the power of the name.
Subsequent thereto, Shem founded a yeshiva in Tzfas where he and his great grandson Eiver transmitted a Torah of tiefe chochmus, in which the patriarchs studied, each in their time.
Yaakov Avinu, when he fled from his brother Esau, went to study at Yeshiva Shem V'Ever, at which time he was 63 years old and had been learning Torah all of this life in his father Yitzhak Avinu's home. Having to leave home and go to Laban's corrupt environment, he understood that he would need to acquire shtarke lomdus, such as Shem and Eiver had themselves learned during the period of the Mabul (flood) and the Migdal (tower) of Bavel.
It is said that Yakov taught the knowledge he had received from Shem and Eiver to Yoisef, thus in part causing the jealousy of the other eleven brothers. Why only to Yoisef and not to the others? Because Yakov Avinu knew that Yoisef would need this Toireh to survive for twenty two years in the alien environment of Egypt, so that he could lay the basis for the rest of the family joining him there and living there for 210 years. When, at the beginning of the next seifer (Shmos), we read that there was a Pharaoh over Egypt ‘who knew not Yoisef’, we read in between the lines that the potent Toireh that Yoisef knew was likewise not known in Egypt, and hence the Egyptians had come to fear and dislike the Hebrews.
But the accepted answer, according to RASHI, is that Yitzchak was blind. Indeed, the RI adds, Yitchak's eyesight disappeared as a coping mechanism for the fact that Rivka put on 300 pounds and started wearing a bad shaytl after giving birth.
Rashi = Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki (1040 - 1105), Torah and Talmud exegete from France who had no hobbies and lived in Troyes, France. His commentary on the Torah and Talmud is often included in study editions.
The RI = Rabbi Yitzhak Ben Avraham of Dampierre (12th. Century), a nephew of Rashi's three famous grandsons: Rabbeinu Tam (Rabbi Yakov Ben Meier, 1100 - 1171), the Ribam (Rabbi Yitzhak Ben Meier, exact dates unknown), and the Rashbam (Shmuel Ben Meyer, 1083 - 1174). Rav Yitzhak taught Shimson Ben Avraham of Sens (12th, 13th century).
The Ba’al Ha Turetz holds that Rivka put on weight to compensate for having a man thirty-seven years older than her share her bed, the more so because of his predilection for camels and strap-ons. No wonder she woke herself up screaming every morning.
Bad sheitel = You expect transients wandering through the industrial wastelands of Beersheba to afford stylish? A three-thousand dollar wig of Indian hair, when everyone knows they’re living in a tent with a bunch of animals? On credit perhaps?
This reminds me of a Maiseh Shehoya. I was on a fundraising mission in the Bahamas for my Yeshiva, Yeshivas Chipas Emmess. My wife Feigah Breinah and I were going snorkling, since, as everyone knows, major donors can often be found examining coral in its natural habitat. Suddenly, as we were about to descend into the water, my bashert announced to me that she could not go in, as she had that second become a Nidah. And, she continued, it is dangerous to go snorkeling in such circumstances since sharks are all drawn to the smell of blood.
Bashert = The one who is ones destined match and mate. Derived from the same word as shears, in which each ‘shear’ has a perfect opposite number, from a Germanic root meaning collected together or held together.
Nidah = Female impurity caused by the menses, which lasts up to seven days, with up to eleven days of vestigial flow (zivah) following. The state of thus being impure can last as long as two and a half weeks, which means that even in the best of times our wives are bearable for only half of each month until menopause.
To be sure that this period of headaches…Errrm, I mean impurity, has come to an end, Bedikas (examination) is performed with a clean white cloth, often torn from your best shirt.
Altenatively, the untervesh are examined for discolouration or spotting. The exact hue of any spotting, discolouration, or streaking, on the cloth OR on the bloomers, can tell an expert whether the woman is clean or still has a headache….errrm, is still in a condition of zivah. When in doubt, consult a rabbi.
For a small consideration (less than half a pay-cheque, really, a minor amount), a rabbi will gladly examine the offending material and pronounce judgement. Of course, you still cannot touch her until she has had an immersion in a Mikvah.
Mikvah = A pool of ‘living water’ (mayim chayim), meaning river, lake, or rain water, to which other water may be added to extend the supply. Be aware of acid rain in your area, industrial waste, and pollution – it may be mayim chayim, but that doesn’t mean that it is clean or safe.
A woman is supposed to immerse herself entirely, like is also done to vessels thus dipped for purification, without any part not being in contact with the water. The blessing said upon using a mikvah is “Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al ha-tevilah” (Blessed are you O Lord our G-d, King of the Universe, Who has made us holy by the Commandments and commanded us to take a soak).
Untervesh = Undergarments, and undermentionables. If your eishes chayil is the size of a heffalump, just remember that it is a mitzvah. Examine every inch.
I was greatly troubled by this: How could something so repulsive to all men be attractive to the common shark. And, farkhert, how can something so attractive to a shark be repulsive to all men.
It is well know that sharks love the aroma of raw beefsteak and liver, whereas men go into ecstacies over beer and pizza. Sharks go for what they can smell, men like things that keep their hands occupied. When men aren’t occupied with beer and pizza, they’re usually sitting in front of the television, with a blue movie on the box while their wife is away, a package of cheese-doodles within easy reach, and a carton of cigarettes next to the six-pack.
This is the essence of Parshas Toldois. Ya'akov, so unattractive to Yitzchak Avinu, was the pride, the favorite of Rivka Imainu. And it was only through their combined guile, their deception, that Ya'akov was able to fullfill Hakkadoshboruchhu's plan for the world by stealing the birthright from Eisav and with it the foundational line of descent from Avraham which carried the Aimishteh's promise of future greatness for Klal Yisroel.
Ya’akov unattractive to Yitzhak = Because Yitzhak preferred hairy men. Can you say Linus Van Pelt? Baby-bear? Serbian weight-lifter? Roadkill coyote? Butch and manly?
Rivka effectively engineered the disinheritance of her son Esav. But the Torah makes clear that the boys were twins from the same womb, so there is not even a suspicion of extraneous motives or alternate parentage (i.e. all the kinder of handmaidens who are impregnated, from Hagar to Bilhah and beyond), it was pure spite. Esav went out to the fields and was a manly man, Yakov was a momma’s boy who hung around the ohel. Wussy.
Hence, the Reboinoisheloilum's master plan is far from the obvious day-to-day issues that we can see. You may think you know what is right and wrong, but the truth is you are a worthless minuval who doesn't even know the right bracha to say on a pumpkin pie, let alone the ultimate truths that drive the universe and the future.
Right bracha to say on a pumpkin pie = Which is very much dependent upon whether it is part of the meal, and thus covered by the bracha over the bread, or a snack, and therefore deserving of its own bracha. In which case, which bracha? Is it a fruit of the etz, or a fruit of the aretz? And know that pumpkin pie contains dairy.
Chazal never knew from pumpkins. If Chazal didn’t know from pumpkins, pumpkins don’t exist.
So, the next time your bashert is a Nidah, don't hide from her, as would be your first instinct. Don't reject her as Yitzchak did Ya'akov, and possibly drive her into the arms of a local king. Embrace her. For what may disgust you today may actually be laying the foundations of future greatness for Klal Yisroel. Short of that, it might lead to a nice but messy quickie.
