In 1999 I was in Eretz Yisrael to pay a shivah call for the death of my cousin's cocker spaniel (it's tax deductable, you know). I was in a gift shop in Kiryas Arba when a young man with an extraordinarily large yarmulka tried to sell me knitted yarmulkas for my neighbor's grandchildren (MY einiklach only wear velvet, Boruch Hashem.). I told him no thank you, but I bought the exact same yarmulkas that morning for half the price from Mohammed standing outside of Meuras Hamachpelah.
While on my trip, I was also developing a business deal (for the benefit of my Yeshivah, of course) with the Palestine Cigarette Company in Ramallah to develop a new brand of cigarette geared toward the Orthodox community. Once the second intifada hit, the plans for Olam Habbah cigarettes were put on indefinite hold.
I give this information as background to a discussion of the most critical issue of our time, next to whether or not Michael Jackson was checking to see if his young guest's Bris Milah was Koisher Lamehadrin. My talmidim often ask me my Halachic opinion on what Israel should do about the Palestinian question. This is a most complex problem.
First of all, I tell them, there is no such thing as a Palestinian. The Arabs living in Yehuda, Shomron and Azza are primarily descended from a migration from the Circussus (as in Circassian) Mountains in the late 1800s and early 1900s to all of greater Eretz Yisrael. EVERYONE knows that the native residents of the Circussus Mountains are descendants of people who migrated there from the northern quadrant of Siberia in the 13th century. So what we actually have is an Eskimo problem in Eretz Yisrael, not a Palestinian problem.
Second of all, if the question is one of giving up land, I am reminded of some of the advice I give my children.
When my daughter, Rivka Shlishka, visited me before she went out to a movie with her fiancee two weeks before her wedding, I told her uncompromisingly: "NOT ONE INCH! After the Chassannah, six inches, seven inches, eight inches if you're lucky, but before the wedding NOT ONE INCH!"
On the other hand, when my son, Boruch Hamavdil, came to me for a payout before taking a meidal to the airport, I told him, "Mayla, if you can get a little action out of the deal, what's an inch or two between friends?"
So what it comes down to is -- If as Chazzal teach us, the coming of Mashiach is the wedding day between Am Yisrael and Hakadoshboruchhu, and in our day Eretz Yisrael is our child before the wedding, the question is: Is Eretz Yisrael a son or a daughter? If it's a son -- mayla, what's an inch or two between friends? If it's a daughter -- NOT ONE INCH!
So then the question becomes, "which is it?" Before I answer that, I must say something about who we negotiate with.
This Arafat -- He was not even suited to be a Shabbos Goy. If you asked him to turn the lights on on Shabbos he wanted to steal the lamp. (That reminds me of a Shabbos Goy we had when I was growing up in the Bronx. We would say to him, "Shaygitz, turn on the light; shaygitz, do this; shaygitz, do that!" Over time the shaygitz developed an increasing worse attitude, especially when we refused to pay him because paying him would make it LOOK AS IF WE WANTED him to turn the lights on on Shabbos. That shaygitz grew up to be Mel Gibson, by the way.)
So Arafat was not fit to be a Shabbos Goy. Although perhaps, since his death, we are finally talking to some good Shabbos Goyim among the Eskimos.
And the other Palestinian groups -- Hamas, Islamic Jihad, Al Aksa, etc., their problem is that they have a complete misconception of birth control. I have one message to them: Retroactive abortion does not work. By the time little Achmed is 18 years old it is a bit late to abort the fetus (and at the same time, kill everyone else standing around him). If they are so intent on destroying their own population, they should try to prove their manhood by sticking their bris milahs in an electrical socket or taking a one-way swim across the Mediterranian.
Or they could start distributing kishka covers in their mosques, if you know what I mean. That way they could stop having babies and focus on improving their own society, rather than try to destroy ours.
But we also must look at our own people. A few of the people I've met in Kiryas Arba and some other settlements are crazier than my mother in law when she's in Nidah during a full moon. And if you don't agree with me, I am sure they would be happy to have you move into a trailer with them on some isolated rock. Good luck. Please don't forget to e-mail.
Besides believing that they are bringing the Moshiach through their political activities, they are terrible dressers! Everyone knows that long, unkempt beards, plaid shirts, loose fitting blue jeans, sandals, and M-16 rifles don't match! According to the RAMAH, you should always carry an M-16 with a solid shirt, a Kalichnikov with stripes, and a 357 Magnum with plaid. According to Reb Akivah Eiger, however, you should always carry an M-16 -- except when you are wearing sandals. He cites a medrish in Beraishis Rabbah which states that whenever Avraham Avinu went to visit Sarah's Kever in the Meuras Hamachpelah he too wore sandals -- and carried an oversize pink umbrella with tulips in it.
Which brings us to Reb Oivadia Yoisayf: What's pshat in his calling for harm to come to the Prime Minister? Does he think he has a direct line to the Rebboinoisheloilum? Does he believe he has direct insight into the will of the Aimishteh? I remember that as a young man he was far more in tune with the pulse of Klal Yisroel. I guess, much as with his spiritual brethren in Iran and the Taliban, his turban was on too tight and must have caused the blood supply to be cut off from his brain, Rachmana Lezlan. Perhaps he needs to take a little vacation in Miami Beach.
So what it comes down to is that some of us prefer to have lots of land, with lots of Eskimos, while others prefer to have less land . Which is more secure? Which is the will of Hakkadoshboruchhu? Why am I asking you ? You don't even know what bracha to make on a piece of tofu during a thunderstorm.
So I too have my opinion on the situation in Eretz Yisrael, but I refuse to tell it to you, you minuval. But if you dare disagree with me you are a mecutziff and a self hating Jew.
