| The Mistake |
| The air was foul. The scent of body odor mixed with cigarette smoke, overwhelming the bedroom. JC sat alone in the corner recliner. His favorite chair. Something about the soft suede had always been able to comfort him, but not anymore; he felt no comfort anymore. His former sanctuary was now his cell. His beautiful, lavish bedroom was his prison. For a moment, JC found himself wondering if this was hell. It couldn’t be his home. His palace, as he’d dubbed it, had been so bright and sunny only a month ago; this gloomy and rank double could not be the same place. It was like the light had died with her. Or maybe it was dying with him. He didn’t know. He didn’t care. He just wanted it back; he wanted her back. He wanted Ashley. “JC.” On reflex, the corner of his lips twitched at the sound of her voice. Just hearing her soft, almost whispering timbre had always brought a smile to his face. But this wasn’t her, he reminded himself. Not really. This apparition was not the woman he’d loved for more than half his life. “Ashley,” JC sighed, slamming his eyes shut. He wouldn’t look at her; he’d made that mistake once before. The first time Ashley’s spirit had appeared to him, all could do was stare. She’d never looked so beautiful. Her short brown hair flowed around her shoulders; her pale green eyes fixed on his face. She had looked like a glorious angel floating in the moonlight. Then she had extended a hand. Without thinking, he’d reached out, longing to touch her just once more. Then he’d seen it: blood dripping from her delicate wrists, staining her white dress. No, he’d never make that mistake again. “What do you want?” He’d meant to yell it, but after so long without anything to drink, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to speak above a whisper again. “Why?” Such a simple word should have a simple answer. He opened his mouth to reply, but no words emerged. What could he say? He didn’t know why. He didn’t know anything anymore. “Why did you do this to me?” “I don’t know.” He could feel her eyes on him and knew she was giving him the same ‘you call that an answer?’ look she loved. He’d seen and deserved it numerous times when she was alive. “I loved you, JC. You did this to me.” For a moment, he wondered if she was crying. Did ghost cry? Reaching for a cigarette with shaky hands, he heard his voice crack as he replied, “I didn’t want this to happen. I love you.” “Then why? I want to know why.” Taking a puff of his cigarette, JC ran a hand through his greasy, unwashed hair. “I was lonely.” His mind raced back to that night. It seemed so odd that the destruction of his life had begun with just one dance. “You’re a great dancer,” she said as they worked their way off the dance floor and back to his booth. “Thank you,” JC replied through tight lips. He wanted desperately to tell her that since he’d danced with her, she could stop hounding him, but it wasn’t in him to be so rude. He knew this girl was kissing his ass because he was famous; he could see the signs. Usually he would have turned her down when she’d asked him to dance, but Justin had urged him to go ahead. ‘It’s just one dance,’ Justin had whispered. Justin could always talk JC into anything. The whole reason he wasn’t at home reading in his favorite chair was because Justin’s insisted that no self-respecting man would stay at home when his girlfriend was out of town. Well, that was part of the reason; truth was, JC was just plain lonely without Ashley, so spending a few hours with his friend sounded wonderful. With his mind busy thinking of ways to convince Justin that clubbing was overrated, JC barely noticed the hand his former dance partner had laid on his forearm. He probably wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t felt compelled to give his arm a squeeze. “I have a girlfriend,” he informed her. “I have a boyfriend,” she said with a shrug, “so what?” Physically removing her hand from his arm, he shook his head, “Find someone else.” She smiled at him. “But I want you. We could go back to my place; you can be home with your girlfriend in an hour, an hour and a half if I’m lucky. ” Her eyebrows did a little dance. “My girlfriend’s out of town visiting her family.” The words left his mouth before he realized what he was saying. “Not that that means anything.” “Even better. Come on, it’ll be fun.” She sighed, “Why do you want to spend the night alone?” The three drinks he’d gulped down must have been clouding his brain because he responded, “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t like to be alone.” “Well, there,” she exclaimed, taking the opening, “you don’t have to be alone.” He was going to say no. The word was seconds away from leaving his lips, but then something happened he hadn’t expected. She looked him straight in the eyes. His breath caught; her eyes were the exact same color as Ashley’s. He couldn’t believe that more than one person could have eyes that shade of light green. “Okay.” JC frowned at the memory. The girl had left the next morning before he woke up. She’d never even given him her name; he simply referred to her as The Mistake. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you have to keep it a secret?” Stirred from his disturbing thoughts, JC took another puff of his cigarette before putting it out. “Answer me! Why did you keep it a secret?” He took a moment to plan his next words; it was important that she understood. He needed her to forgive him. “You were my life. I was afraid you would hate me. I didn’t want to lose you.” Burying his head in his hands, he began to sob. His emaciated body shook with the emotions tearing through him. He should have told her the day she came home. He had wanted to. “Don’t ever leave again,” JC whispered as he planted kisses along her neck. His hands roamed her body, feeling the luscious curves he loved so much. Ashley playfully swatted him away. Giggling, she kissed his cheek, “It’s nice to know I was missed.” “I haven’t even begun to show you how much.” With a stern face, she pushed him away. “I have to unpack,” she paused, a wicked smile growing on her face, “But once I’m finished...” Letting her words trail off, she winked just for good measure. “But, now, will you help me carry my stuff upstairs?” Ashley lifted her two suitcases and held one out to him. A sly grin on his face, JC bent down and scooped her into his arms. “I like this way better.” He carried her all the way to their bedroom, which luckily wasn’t that far. When he’d set her on her feet, she hastily threw her suitcases on the recliner in the corner. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she softly brushed her lips with his. “I love it when you sweep me off my feet,” she sighed, a big smile on her beautiful face. Throwing herself back onto the bed, she beckoned him with her finger. “I thought you wanted unpack,” he asked in feigned confusion. “That can wait.” Wasting no time, JC launched himself in the air and landed with a thud next to her. Ashley rested her head on his chest. A contented sigh leaving her lips, she started rubbing his stomach. “What did you do while I was gone? Did Justin drag you on one of his sin-filled excursions?” The memory of that night popped into his head. He wanted to tell her; he wanted to confess his mistake and beg her forgiveness, but the words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t say the words that would surely end their relationship. Somehow, he managed to keep a calm tone as he answered, “Most of the time I sat right in that chair and thought about you. Why?” She took his hand in hers, massaging it with her thumb. “Just curious.” She placed a kiss on his palm as her other hand reached for the hem of his t-shirt, “So, are you going to give me a proper welcome home?” He did, of course. “Did you know what you had? Did you know what you were doing to me?” Closing his eyes against the new tears stinging his eyes, JC shook his head. “I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know.” “Don’t lie to me, JC. I want to know the truth; I deserve to know the truth. Did you know?” “No,” his voice was barely audible. You were killing me. He looked at her, his face pure disbelief. His eyes locked with hers, ignoring the blood covering her dress. Shaking his head, JC stood up for the first time in weeks. He wanted to go to her, but the sudden movement was too much for his weak body. With a loud thud, he went crumbling to the ground. “I swear I didn’t know. Not until that day.” He buried his head into the carpet, begging the floor to swallow him. “The tests came back. I’m HIV positive,” Ashley cried against his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay,” JC hushed, kissing the top of her head. He was trying so hard to be a rock for Ashley, but he didn’t know how much longer he could last without letting a tear escape. He was HIV positive too. “I don’t understand, JC,” she pulled out of his embrace, “I don’t know how this could have happened.” She watched him for a moment, “Do you?” He thought about lying and saying he must have contracted it when he was young, but he couldn’t do that to her. She deserved to know. “It was a mistake.” He knew she’d understand what he was saying. Ashley’s eyes widened for a moment before shutting. Pushing him away, she stood and began to pace. She didn’t look at him when she asked, “When I left to visit my mom?” “I’m sorry.” He waited for her to yell. She didn’t raise her voice. In fact, her voice was a mere whisper when she finally said, “I’m dying.” JC froze. Dying? A tear slipped from his eyes, but he quickly wiped it away. He had to be strong for her. “We’ll get through this together. We can fight this. I love you.” “I…” she paused, her eyes finally resting on his face, “I…need to be alone.” She studied his face for a few moments as if memorizing it before walking into bathroom. He sat there for almost a half hour, listening to her cry. He wanted nothing more than to go to her, but he knew she needed time alone. He would wait forever if he had to. She needed him; he would not fail her again. Then, like magic, the crying stopped. But he didn’t feel relief. Something wasn’t right; he could feel it in the pit of his stomach. The room looked darker to him. He waited in silence, begging the door to open, but it didn’t. “Ashley?” The feeling of dread overwhelming him, JC slowly approached the bathroom. “Please, open the door,” he said as his hand found the knob. “Ashley?” He knew. Before he even opened the door, he knew. She was lying in the tub, her head resting against the wall. “Ashley,” he whispered, promising God he’d do anything just to hear her reply. There was nothing. She’d slit her wrists. “Oh God, Ashley.” Tears fell freely from his eyes now. With blurred vision, he turned away from her. It was then he saw that she’d written on the mirror. ‘I couldn’t go on anymore.’ Slowly JC backed out of the bathroom, collapsing into his favorite chair. They carried her body away a few hours after that. Her body was laid to rest a few days later; JC wasn’t there. He hadn’t left their bedroom since that day. “Do you regret it?” “Everyday.” He repeated it a few times, so she’d see how much he meant it. Everything would be so different if he hadn’t made a mistake. He wouldn’t be living in pain and slowly dying. Ashley would still be alive and in his arms. Was it worth it, JC? Was she worth both our lives? JC dried his eyes on his sleeves. “No,” he replied, shifting his gaze from her bloody wrists back to his own. “I’m sorry. Please, Ashley, can you ever forgive me?” No. |