| This was it, Vanessa was leaving and never looking back. This time she was really going to go through with it; her mind was made up. It was for the best, but that didn't mean it wasn't going to hurt less. As soon as JC had left their hotel room this morning, she'd started crying. She hadn't stopped since. Carelessly she'd thrown all her stuff into her duffle bag, not caring if anything got wrinkled. Nothing mattered anymore. After packing, she spent hours just sitting on the edge of their bed. Just this morning, he'd been holding her against his chest as they slept; it felt like pure heaven. And she was leaving that. If only things were different. So now here she was four hours after JC had left, all packed up and ready to leave the man she loved. But she couldn't leave him without explaining why. Face to face probably would have been the ideal way to tell him, but Vanessa knew she'd never have the strenght for that. So with tears streaming down her face, she wrote the hardest letter she would ever have to write. Dear JC, I'm so sorry. This is the hardest thing I've hard to do, but it's for the best. For both of us. I just couldn't take it anymore; it's too hard. Your fans hate me. I know you say it doesn't matter, but I can't just ignore it. I tried, Jace, I really did, but I reached my breaking point. The hateful things they say to me are just too much. I really thought I could take it, as long as you were by my side, which you were, but I don't have a thick enough skin. But it’s not only the fans; the touring is wearing me out. I feel like I’m 60. I'm starting to look the part too. Of course you'll say that I look beautiful, but that's a bunch of bull. I look sick. But that isn't the main reason why I'm leaving. The truth is JC that I'm lonely. I know you're with me whenever you can, and I treasure every moment we spent together, but sometimes it's not enough. It's not your fault though; you're a very busy man, and I respect that. I really do; I just can't live like this. My leaving is a good thing for you. Now you can focus on your career and not worry about me. You're living your dream, and my being unhappy would only ruin it for you. Please, don't hate me. I never wanted to hurt you. I will miss you so much, and I will never stop loving you. You are my heart, forever and always. -Vanessa Swiping at the hot tears runnind down her cheeks, Vanessa placed a kiss on the paper and set it down on JC’s pillow. Quickly, before she could change her mind, she gathered her bag and reached for the doorknob. She paused, surveying the room. JC's favorite sweater was hanging on the back of the desk chair. Unable to help herself, she grabbed it and clutched it close to her chest. She should probably feel guilty about taking his sweater, but she needed something to remember him by; even now she could see herself sleeping with it and wearing it. "I'll miss you," Vanessa whispered as she stepped out of their hotel room. Putting on a pair of sunglasses to hide her puffy, red eyes, Vanessa closed the door. "Goodbye, JC. I love you." It wasn't until she was on the elevator that Vanesssa finally understood the magnitude of what she was doing. She was ending her relationship with the greatest man she'd ever met. The one man who actually listened to her every word. He even laughed at her corny jokes, which were never funny. It was one of the many things he did that made her feel wonderful; it was hard not to feel like a princess when JC held you in his arms or watched you from across the room with a grin on his face. "No, don't think about it," Vanesssa ordered herself, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her mind. "Are you okay?" Vanessa blushed slightly when she noticed a girl no older than fourteen eyeing her. "I'll be fine," she responded, taking off the sunglasses briefly so she could wipe her eyes. The young girl's eyes widened when she got a good look at Vanessa's face. "I knew it was you! I told my friends that they were here, but she said that's you guys would be at the four seasons. I can't believe it's really you!" "What?" Looking harder at Vanessa's face, the girl wrinkled her brows. "Oh man, I did it again. Ever since we checked into the hotel, I've been having sightings all day. I thought I saw Justin in the bar but it was some woman with curly hair," she paused still taking in Vanessa's appearance, "You look so much like her. Are you JC's girlfriend? The college student he met at the house of blues when he accidently spilled his drink on her. I can't remember her name right now." A few months ago, Vanessa would have been a little frightened that the girl knew the whole story of how she met JC, but nowadays it was pretty normal. She'd even met girls who knew everything about her family. Even though the last thing she wanted to do was discuss JC, Vanessa couldn't bring herself to lie to the excited girl. "Yes, I'm JC's girlfriend. My name's Vanessa." After saying the words, Vanessa felt a few more tears slip down her cheeks. She wasn't JC's girlfriend anymore. "I knew it! That means Nsync's staying here. My friends are going to freak when they find out about this. Can I get your autograph?" She reached into her messenger bag and pulled out a notepad and pen. "My autograph? Are you sure?" The girl nodded, handing the paper and pen to Vanessa, "My name's Susan." Scribbling 'Thanks for supporting JC and the guys, Susan. Stay Nsync. Love, Vanessa', Vanessa couldn't help but sheepishly remark, "Most fans don't want my autograph." "Really? I think it's cool meeting you. You know, since you're like the luckiest girl in the world," Susan gushed, "JC's really cute. I have a huge crush on him; I even thought that I could marry him, but I don't think that'll be happening any time soon. " After debating it for a few minutes, Vanessa asked, "A lot of fans hate me because of my relationship with JC. Why don't you?" “Hate you because you're dating JC? That's crazy. I may be a little jealous because you've got the cutest boyfriend with a beautiful voice, but I wouldn't hate you for it. I don't even know you." "But some fans..." Susan waved her hand dismissively. "I know some fans are like that. They think that JC's theirs or that you're not good enough for him or something stupid like that. But they're not real fans. If they were, then they'd focus on the music and not his personal life, or at least be like me, and just want him to be happy like he obviously is with you." "What if we're not happy? What if I'm ruining his career?" If Susan thought Vanessa's questions were odd, she didn't show it. "I'm not a JC expert or anything, but I think after all these years I kinda know him; JC passionate about his music. Every time he sings, you can see it; sometimes it even looks like it's overwhelming him." Vanessa nodded, all the things Susan were saying were true. "Then you understand why I have to leave him? So he can focus on his music." Susan's jaw fell open, and Vanessa realized then that she'd said way too much. At that moment, the elevator doors dinged open. So much had happened in the time it took to ride down 55 floors. Gently, Vanessa, pulled Susan out of the elevator and sat her in one of the couches in the lobby. Sitting next to Susan, Vanessa whispered, "You're the only other person who knows about this. JC doesn't even know yet." Shaking her head, Susan whispered back, "You can't leave him. You'll break his heart." "No, he'll realize that it's for the best." Susan, looking quite angry at the moment, responded testily, "You're going to hurt him. JC loves you; I know he does. You can't do this to him." "I'm ruining his career. JC doesn't need a girlfriend who needs constant attention; he needs to focus on his music. You said yourself that that's his passion." "But I didn't finish. It's his passion, but you're what makes him happy. When I saw you guys at the VMAs, I knew JC loved you just by looking at him. He couldn't stop smiling. Whenever you were pushed to the back so that he could do an interview, I could see that his attention was still on you. You two were still holding hands even though there were bodyguards between you guys. I couldn't figure out how you guys did that since Lonnie's like huge, but my mom said that when you're in love things like that are possible." The memory brought a smile to Vanessa's face, JC had been adamant about not breaking their contact. All the stuff Susan was saying was true, JC had never tried to hide the fact that he loved her, but it wasn't enough to change her mind. "Susan, I love JC with all my heart, but things just aren't working out. I can't take this life. The fans, the touring, and all the stuff that comes with dating JC. You don't know how lonely it is." "I know that I don't understand what's it like, but is really so bad? Is it enough that you'd give up what you have?" Vanessa's first instinct was to say 'yes', but she stopped herself. Was it? Sure, she'd reached a point where she didn't want to deal with it all anymore, but was it worth what she was losing? She just wasn't sure. "I don't know." "Think of it like this. Do you love JC?" "Yes." "Does he love you?" "Yes." "Would you do anything for JC?" "Yes." "Can you imagine your life without JC?" "Yes." "Do...what? You can?" Susan's eyes were wide. Vanessa closed her eyes, tears trickling down her face. "I can imagine it, but I don't want to. I love JC too much." Excitedly, Susan asked, "Does that mean that you're not going to break his heart?" "That's exactly what it means. I didn't really want to leave him, but I thought it was the only way. I thought it was the best for the both of us. But I was just being stupid. I love him with every fiber of my being, and that's all that matters. I'll just have to learn to deal with that other stuff because there is no way I could survive without JC in my life." By the time Vanessa had finished, both she and Susan were in tears. "It's so romantic," Susan cried, "I'm so happy for you two." Hugging Susan, Vanessa whispered, "If it wasn't for you, I would have made the biggest mistake of my life. Thank you." "It was my pleasure. I'm just glad that you came to your senses, and I didn't have to drag back on the elevator. There was no way I was going to let you hurt JC." "You're a devoted fan," Vanessa chuckled, "You know what? Since you've been so kind and played psychiatrist for me, I'd like to do something for you. What time is it?" "4:00." "Oh god, he's back already. My note," Vanessa gasped, "Look Sussan, watch my stuff for a few minutes while I go upstairs and take care of something. I promise I'll be back in a few minutes. Okay?" Susan nodded, "Good luck." Quickly thanking Susan, Vanessa jumped on to the first elevator she saw open. She'd never realized how slowly elevators moved until that moment; it seemed like forever before the doors opened on the 55th floor, revealing Mike, who's job it was to make sure unwanted visitors got off. "Hey 'Nessa," he smiled, standing aside to let her pass, "I didn't know you'd gone out." "I got as far as the lobby," she said as she quickly passed him and headed for the second door on the left. Softly she turned the knob, thankful that he hadn't locked it. The first thing she heard when she entered the room was JC's crying. She'd never heard him cry before; she immediately hated herself for what she'd put him through. "JC," she whispered. His red, puffy eyes looked up at her and then back at the note he held in his hands. "I read your note," he said, pointing out the obvious. "JC, I...," she began, but he interrupted her. "Why are you back? Did you forget something?” He said the last sharply, glaring at her with icy eyes. “Yes, I did,” she moved closer to him and kneeled before him. She reached for his hands, but he pushed her away. "Get it and go." "I would, but I don't think I could carry you." She smiled and took his hands in hers. This time he didn't pull away, "I love you, JC. I thought that I was making the right decision, but I wasn't. I couldn't leave you." “But what about everything you said in your letter? Nothing's changed. My life will always involve touring and fans. Are you sure you can deal with it all? I don't want to have to go through this again.” "Will you always love me?" "Of course." "Then I can handle anything." JC smiled and roughly pulled Vanessa into his arms, "That's exactly what I wanted to hear." He kissed her deeply, his arms holding her close. Pulling away, Vanessa laid her head on his shoulder. "I took your sweater so I could remember your smell." She felt JC's body shake with laughter, "Well, I'm glad to have you and my sweater back. Where is it?" "Downstairs. I left it with somebody. In fact," she paused to pull out of his embrace, "go get all dolled up while I get the other guys. I want you to meet someone." "Who?" Vanessa thought for a moment about how to explain who Susan was. Smiling, she responded, “The perfect fan.” |
| The Perfect Fan |