| He felt guilty, but was it enough? How was he supposed to react? Laura had been inconsolable when the doctor explained the miscarriage. Something about not enough something. He hadn’t paid attention; his couldn’t take his mind off Laura’s gigantic sobs. Heartbreak was written on her face while he looked slightly bothered. God, the doctor looked ready to cry herself, so why wasn’t the father saddened by the loss of his son? “Justin, he was going to be beautiful. He was going to be smart. I used to tell him he’d be musical just like you,” Laura whispered as her small hand wiped away some of her tears, “I was going to love him so much.” Her words tugged at his heart, yet he still couldn’t muster up a single tear. Not even just a little one. Why, damn it? “It’ll be okay,” everyone tried to comfort him. Couldn’t they tell that he didn’t need comforting? Wasn’t it obvious in his face? It felt as though he should be comforting the real father, the father who actually cared because it sure wasn’t him. Well, that wasn’t completely true. He was sad; he was upset that he wasn’t going to be a father, but it still felt like there should be more. Laura locked herself in her room for two weeks. She couldn’t bring herself to do anything anymore. She refused meals and all visitors. It’d be a long time before she’d move on; she had lost her little boy. Justin was in a club the day after the miscarriage. He wasn’t having fun, but he couldn’t bear being in the house, listening to Laura cry. He’d bring a plate to Laura’s door before he left. It was the least he could do for her. The very least. There was so much more he could do, but it all felt so false to him. His mother called every day to check up on them. A hint of sadness was in her voice, and he could tell that she’d been crying only a few moments before; it made him jealous. She’d lost her grandson, but he’d lost his son. His own flesh and blood. He wanted to be sad and mourn. He wanted to feel hot tears stream down his face; tears for the little boy he’d never get to meet. When Johnny called and asked if Justin was ready to go back on tour, Justin could barely contain his happiness. He had to get out of this house and away from everyone in mourning. Laura understood that he needed to go back. She’d looked at him with her blood shot eyes and whispered, “If working will help you feel better, then you shoud. I'll miss you.” He didn’t correct her assumption. It would be good for her to believe he needed the distraction. She didn’t need to know how little he actually felt. On the tour, everything was different. The other guys acted as though he could break at any moment. Chris always patted his back when they crossed paths, JC and Lance would say something about how they felt his pain, and Joey never mentioned Brianna anymore. They all felt guilty about laughing in his presence, so every night was unusually quiet. Didn’t they understand that he’d almost forgotten the entire thing? He would have forgotten completely if it wasn’t for the pang of guilt he felt about not shedding a single damn tear. He hadn’t even called to check up on Laura. He didn’t need to hear the pain in her usually happy voice; he didn’t need to be reminded of his lack of feeling. It wouldn’t produce the expected tears, so why bother? He sat in the back of the tour bus, staring out of the window. It didn’t make sense. Why didn’t he care? He’d been excited when Laura had told him about the baby; he’d even declared to all his friends and family that it was going to a boy named Justin Randall Timberlake Jr. He’d been right. This was going to be his little boy. He wanted this baby; he wanted to be a father. It wasn’t like he was incapable of tears. God, he’d cried for days during the trial against Lou. He’d done nothing but cry during that time. So, why couldn’t he cry for something ten times as horrible as Lou’s betrayal? Nothing made sense. “Need to talk?” Justin looked up to see Joey standing in front of him. If anyone could help him, Joey could. “Did you love Bri before she was born?” If Joey was confused by Justin’s question, he hid it well. “Of course.” Justin felt deflated. He’d hoped Joey would say no and explain that he didn’t love Bri until after she was born. That not until he’d seen his beautiful little girl, he’d felt only a faint attachment. “I loved her the day Kelly told me she was pregnant,” Joey paused as if lost in thought, “But I don’t think I really understood what was going on until I saw Kelly five months in. Then it was real to me. You know, it’s hard to understand something so miraculous until you’re looking at it for the first time. Knowing that the little bump in Kelly’s stomach was my baby was just….amazing.” He sounded near tears when he added, “Are you going to be okay, man?” Absent-mindedly Justin nodded his head. Could this be the reason? He’d been on the road for practically all of Laura’s short pregnancy. The tour had begun only a week after Laura had come to him and told him the happy news. She’d call him every night while he was on the road. Laura would go on and on about ultrasounds and other baby stuff. He’d listened to every word, soaking up all the information. But had it been enough to make this baby real for him? Everything he knew about Laura’s pregnancy had been over the phone. Even the size of Laura’s increasing belly had been described to him over the phone. If he’d been there to see the development of his son, maybe he’d feel differently. Was that it? Was that why it didn’t hurt him like it did Laura? Because it’d never been real. The next three-day break they had, Justin flew home. When he entered his house, he started to rush up to her bedroom but stopped himself. He couldn’t surprise her like that. Walking into the kitchen, Justin sat on a barstool and tried to think of how to approach the subject with Laura. He couldn’t very well ask her to explain the entire pregnancy day for day, but he had to hear it all. He couldn’t get past his feelings or lack thereof unless he knew why he couldn’t cry. Grabbing a notepad, Justin planned to write a list of questions. He opened the junk drawer, looking for a pen but found a letter addressed to him instead. It was Laura’s handwriting he knew and was addressed to the hotel he’d been in during last month’s recording sessions. She’s still been pregnant back then. He opened the envelope and emptied the contents. He unfolded a piece of notebook paper first and read Laura’s brief note. Get to know Justin Timberlake Jr. Love, Laura Taking a shaky breath, Justin reached for another item. He recognized it immediately. An ultrasound picture. “Hi,” he whispered, running his hands across the black and white picture. He didn’t know what was what, but somehow it didn’t matter. That was him; that was his son. He put it gently on the table and picked up the last thing that had fallen out of the envelope. It was another picture; this time it was a photograph of Laura. She was standing sideways, smiling brightly as she laid a hand on her expanding tummy. “Oh god,” Justin gasped. That was him in there. It was like Joey had said, knowing that little bump was his baby was amazing. But he didn’t have a son anymore. The emotions overtaking him were too much; he collapsed to the ground. “I lost my son. My son,” he cried, pulling his knees against his chest. Tears streamed down his face. He should have been happy to finally show emotion, but he could think of nothing but what he’d lost. “Justin?” He could barely see her through the tears overflowing from his eyes. “Laura, he’s gone,” he whispered, “I’m never going to know my son.” She sat next to him and wrapped her arms around him. “I know,” she replied. “I couldn’t cry for him,” he admitted, “I didn’t care, Laura. I didn’t know why. I wanted to mourn, but I couldn’t.” Laura laid her head on his shoulder and gently rubbed his back. “Laura, it’s because he wasn’t real to me. Joey helped me realize that. But then I saw the pictures…” He couldn’t go on. It was all too much for him. “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay,” she said, her own tears mixing with his, “It’s okay.” He shook his head. “No, it isn’t. I should have been there. I should have given both of you what you needed. I wasn’t there.” “Justin, look at me. You’re giving him what he needs now.” He didn’t understand; he wasn’t doing anything. “What am I giving him?” Her lips twitched in a soft smile. “Your love,” she paused to wipe some of the moisture from his face, “and your tears.” |
| Tears For My Son |