By Nick Grant
(Being an HOTT Battle Report of an Encounter between an Altered (not at all historical) DBA Marian Roman 20mm Plastic Army and an Pseudo (completly fictitious) Chaos 30mm Plastic Army,)
(as translated by Cisterstan Monks from an ancient parchment that did survive the fall of the Roman Empire and was translated for posterity. This manuscript has since been lost by fire.)
[Last Updated 3/06/99]
...And so it came to pass that the Senate didst hear of strange and disturbing accounts coming from the province of Fictionia of monstorous apparitions appearing a sudden as of out of no where, and were causing grevious harassment to the locals, such that they didst desert their fields and stocks and didst taketh off unto the hills. And the Senate didst rail against this, as verily they were concerned that the villiagers wouldst be unable to bring in the harvest, and indeed would not be able to pay their taxes, and wouldst have to be sold into slavery when they didst finally return, which wouldn't look good, this being an election year and all. And so, they didst dispatch their lauded general Brentonius [played by Brent Regan] off to drive off this mistery menace and restore peace and fiscal responsibility back to the province, to the everlasting glory of the Roman Empire, and incidentally to the reigning Senators who were up for re-election.
Thus it came to pass that Brentonius didst arriveth upon the scene, and unto the province, and dist espy the havoc and destruction, and yea even the very Chaos that these invaders didst inflict upon the land. And he was greatly troubled, and verily even mightily perplexed at what manner of creatures mighteth have done these grevious and troublesome things. But soon his questioning mind was set at rest, for lo, he didst see the nature of his enemy and he didst quake with fear and astonishment at the sight. For across the table from whence he stood, behind his valiant men (as was the fasion of the Roman commanders of the day), he didst perceive the enemy and their general, and didst recognise him as one who had taken upon himself the name of Nikolouse [played by Nick Grant].Brentonius didst call out and send forth an messenger with an epistle for Nikolouse, and he didst say unto him "What's all this 'er then? Why doest thou beeteth up Roman territory in such an unlawful manner? For verily, that is our job! Go ye back to the foul dimensions from which you came, for I can see that you do not belong with us 20mm scale folks". But Nikolouse didst say back to the messenger "You go back and tell that pushy fart that I've taken some time and trouble getting here, and I ain't about to turn around just because some toy soldiers turn up and threaten me. For lo, canst thou not see that I have actually started painting some of my troops, and not a bad job have I done with it, even if I doeth sayeth so myself!"
And thus it was that the two commanders didst spy each other across the table and Bretonius didst offer Nikolouse and his army an chance to withdraw back to the dark dimensions from whence they had come forth. And Nikolouse didst say back to Bretonious "Geteth Real! For lo I have called forth an mighty warhost from an boxed game, yea, even the game Hero Quest as fashioned by Milton Bradley, which was lauded much when first it arrived at $80, but later didst lose favour with the punters and was sold off for the paltry sum of $20. But lo, I have redeemed the figures, and lo even have I started painting them, for they are licenced manifestations from that great and terrible stronghold that is called "Games Workshop" in the common speech (as well as a few other choice names). For this is their first outing, and verily only my third HOTT game, and I am eager to give it a bash".
And so it was that Nikolouse didst bring forth his army from it's box, yea even his only partially painted Chaos army. And it didst consist of an Aerial Hero General, in the guise of an Gargoil. And Brentonius didst rail against it, and didst say to Nikolouse "That isn't a Gargiol! For lo, I dost know something of the strange ways of Games Workshop, and I do recognise that figure as GW's Demon of Corn, so I do."
"Bollocksith!" did Nikolouse say back to Brentonius. "It's a Gargoil, yea and a pretty one it is at that. Canst thou not see it is painted as a Gargoil should be, yea even a bluey grey, just like stone?! And who ever didst hear of an Demon of Corn?! How can corn have an Demon?!" And so is was that the two commanders didst contend with each other through out the game, as one first saith it is an Gargoil, and the other contending it is actually an Demon of Corn.
And a Mage didst Nikolouse bring forth, and two elements of Chaos Warrior, which are called "Blades" in the speech of the Rules, and four elements of Orcs, calledeth "Warband", and two elements of Skeletons and Mummies and Zombies which are together called "Undead" and "Hordes".
And facing this mighty Chaos army, yea even this very psuedo-Chaos army, for verliy it was put together on the cheap and fitest not the traditional Chaos army fashion, Brentonius didst produce and bring forth his own army with which to repel the monsterous enemy. And he didst plonk down an Hero, even his mounted general, and an Cleric did he bring forth, and lookers on didst marvel at it. For the Cleric was upholding an flag, and an image of Christ was he displaying, yea even the image of the Christ who was yet to come, this being an psuedo Marian Roman army of around 50 BC, being drived from the Book of DBA, and the lists contained within.
Yet still didst the Cleric prophetically hold forth the image of our Saviour, as would be displayed within the dome of the church at Daphni in the lands known as Greece in the Year of Our Lord 1000 odd.
And yet more Romans didst Brentonius plonketh down upon the table, yea and these were the men that didst make Rome great and large that are called "Legionaries" in the Latin tounge. And eight full elements of them didst he put produce, and Nikolouse didst quake with fear at the sight of them. For verily he thought "What chanceth hast mine prettily painted Hordes got against that lot?!"
And yet didst the Romans look small against the Chaos army, for verily their army wasdst made from Revel Pretonian figures, yea, even 20mm soft plastic figures, and they didst look not as great or big as their opponents. Yet, they were mounted on 25mm DBx bases, as indeed were the Chaos chaps, even though neither army was in fact of the 25mm scale. And so it was that these two armies were able to contend with each other, according to the wisdom of those great sages of wargaming lore, the Wargames Research Group.
But Nikolouse didst say back to him "Too late!! For thus it is written. And who ever heard of such a thing as a demon of corn? For verily, it is a Gargoil, yea a prettily painted one it is at that, even a stone grey one, as I hath stated before. Demon of corn indeedeth!".
And so it was that Nikolouse was greatly troubled at Brentonius' cunning deployment, for verily, his army, yea his only partially painted army, were in line acrosseth the field, and in no way anywhere near where they aughtest to have been. For the valient Roman column might stompeth down the side of the table, even whilst the mighty Chaos general, yea the prettily painted Gargoil (for canst thou not see that it is a stony grey, and doth look nothing at all like some silly demon of corn, which surely dost not exist, except perhaps in that foul and most troubled dimension that is called in the common speach "Games Workshop" and "GW", of which none darest speak) flyest across the table and smite the prettily painted Roman tents, whilst and at the same time the Romans arriveth on the Chaos flank untroubled in their advance to meet their foe, the mighty Chaos war party ("party party party..." ).
And so didst Nikolouse do his own cunning re-deployment thing, yea and a very cunning plan it was too. And in this he was aided greatly by the fates, who by rights should have smiled more favourably upon the Romans, being as they were the successors and the mighty conquers of that which in days past was called Greece. Yet, did they smile on Nikolouse, and didst grant him large pip dice, and he was able to advance mightily with his Gargoil (it is a Gargoil, I shalt not tellest thee again) so that he might taketh up position in the midst of the wood to the north and east of the field, yea even right alongside the path that the Roman legionaries were a-stomping, to await and disconcert the enemy and foil their own cunning plan.
The orcs, yea even those entirely unpainted sons of that dimension that some call "GW", saideth to themselves "Soddeth that prancing about in columns like a bunch of fairies, lets get into 'em!", but as this was an HOTT game, and verily not an DBM game, whereby their warband classification mightest have allowed them to do as they pleased, they obediently wheeled forward to take up position at one end of the line between the two woods, yea the woods to the north and east and the woods to the south and even more east.
And so it was that the Romans were greatly disconcerted at the presence of a hulking big Gargoil, yea a beast of a full 10mm larger scale than they themselves were, lurking most deviously in the midst of the woods to their right, even waiting there to pounce upon them as they went past. And they didst quake with fear, and didst delay their advance so that they mighteth re-position their own valient general, such that he might valiently contend with this great beast from the un-nameable dimension should it try to advance from where it was thus a-lurking.
And so it was that Brentonius' plans of an swift advance into the flanks of the enemy didst start to be rent asunder. For even as the Romans didst make slow progress, the Chaos army did hurredly advance through the woods in colomn, whilst the Orcs didst look on and callest out to them "Thou pansies!". For verily, Orcs are known not for their good manners.
Meanwhilest, Nikolouse didst hold back the fury of his mighty champion, yea even the prettily painted Gargoil which is called "Aerial Hero" in the language WRG. For it did seem to him good that his one element, yea even his general, was deeply troubling, and yea even holding up not just one but verily three full Roman elements, including one of Brentonuis' cohorts of the men that are called in the Latin tounge "Legionaries". For Brentonius didst order them around the side of the wood that didst conceal that monsterous enemy, in an attempt to threaten it's flanks. But lo, the courage of the legionaries didst quail and wax fearful at the thought of coming upon such a beastie in the woods, where verily they would be penalised a full two combat factors, accordingeth to the widsom of that great master of lore, Phil Barker, and didst hesitate greatly at the prospect of it.
And thus spent, the Mage didst say to himself, "That's my bit for the day, time to sit down and brew a cuppa", and he didst proceed to gather twigs and didst make for himself and his flunkies a pleasant fire, and didst sit around drinking cups of tea and toasting marshmallows, and nothing further was done by him for the rest of the day, even until after the completion of the battle. At which time he was told to whip up something for the boys to eat for tea.
And so it came to pass that, with much stumbling and tripping over of roots and branches, which didst cause the undead great tribulation and loss of limbs, flesh and other assorted appendages, the Chaos army didst burst though the woods and out into the open much akin to the puss coming out of a blemish that in the vulgar is called "Pimple". And they didst face the iron men of Rome and didst advanceth upon them, and so it was that the first combat of the battle didst unfold, as the line of Chaos didst exchange blows with the rule of Rome for the first time.
[Chaos bound - Overlapping Hd element swings into the flank of the Roman line, with the other Hd moving up to face the Roman Bd. The Wb move back up, everyone else stays put. Combat - the end Roman Bd goes down to the Hd, next Bd gets pushed back by opposing Chaos Bd, another stand (Bd vs Bd), the Wb all get pushed back.]
[Nick moves the Gargoil partially out of the wood and into contact with the Cleric (Brent couldn't move up his own hero (crossing the face of the Gargoil to do so - Rmn Hero "Barkered" by Gargoil)). Wb move back up. Rmn Bd's now overlapped on each flank of the line - combat - Cleric gets pushed back (illegal combat, Gargoil didn't take -2 for being in woods due to rule mis-interpretation), Rmn Bd goes down to Wb]
[And that was the game!]
And so it was that the Romans didst start streaming, yea even screaming, from the field in the face of the victorious Chaos warband. And the forces of Chaos didst win the field, and didst proceede to plunder and pilliage and generally cause much mayhem amoungsteth the Roman baggage, yea even the prettily painted Roman tents, whislteth the Undead did go about the battle ground picking up all of the pieces that had thus fallen off during the day. For verily didst their commander see the ragged state of his undead hordes, and he didst say to them "You guys are a mess. Pulleth thyselves together!"
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