When we last left He-Man and Skeletor, they had both been incarcerated by the Figure Police Department. Today the time has come for the Trial of Skeletor.
Skeletor: Damn, these cells are so fucking small. I can barely turn my head in here.
Boss Man: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. You know what I always say...
Skeletor: I don't know, and I don't want to hear it.
Boss Man: Suit yourself, but it's your loss... oh if you ever take a trip down to Cobb County Georgia, you betta read the signs, respect the law and order...
He-Man: Is he trying to sing?
Skeletor: Please, no!
Boss Man: You'll serve HAAAARD TIIIIME! You'll be servin' HAAAAARD TIIIIIIME!
Skeletor: Too bad they don't let us have forks in here. I'd stick them in my eye sockets because if I'm going to be in this much pain I'd rather inflict it on myself.
Boss Man: Everyone's a critic.
Boss Man: Well, my shift's up. You'll be carted to the court soon. Nice knowing you.
He-Man: Why did Skeletor get a court date before me?
Boss Man: We just want him out of here quick. He's uglying up the joint. There's some inmates who won't mind at all if the big blonde buff guy sticks around.
He-Man: Eeeewwww.
Skeletor: Damn, even in jail he's getting more than me.
He-Man: Let me outta here!!
Armitage: Alright, guilty boy. Time to go get publicly humiliated.
Skeletor: Like I have to go somewhere special for that...
Armitage: Just follow me. Do you have your lawyer ready?
Skeletor: He should be waiting for me there.
Boss Man: Good luck to you. If you're convicted, I hope they kill you so I don't have to look at you anymore.
IRS: I don't know about this, Skeletor. Why do you want me to represent you?
Skeletor: Irwin, you're wearing a tie. That makes you the closest thing to a lawyer I know. You've gotta help me.
IRS: Well, you pay well enough, and it's not like I'll be punished in any way if we lose. I'll do it.
Armitage: Hmm. Only attractive person here again. Time to get going.
Koko: Hey there, who do you thin you callin unattative? I did a good job thought I was doin somthin great. I was jus bein hones. See what honesy gets ya? God Bless ya, Frankie, thank ya.
Skeletor: Do you think I have a chance?
IRS: It all depends. I think you have a pretty good case as long as we get a sympathetic judge.
Ray: Figure Court is called to order, the honorable Undertaker presiding.
IRS and Skeletor: FUCK!
Skeletor: Am I gonna die?
IRS: Most likely. He might even kill ya if you're acquitted. That'd be against regulations, though...
Undertaker: Court is called to order. Interrupt in my court room... and I kill you. Present evidence out of turn... and I kill you. Call for a mistrial... I kill you. Mumble something I can mistake for an insult to my mother... I kill you, resurrect you, and kill you again. Finally, if you die in my court room... I kill you. Is the jury ready? Because if you aren't, I'll kill you.
Jury: We're ready, please don't with the hurting.
Skeletor: Hey, wait a minute.
Skeletor: Is that who I think it is?
Skeletor: Cobra Commander!!! What the fuck are you doing in the jury? You're the one who got me into this fucking mess! You can't be impartial.
Cobra Commander: SSSSSSSILENCE!
Skeletor: How did you get a gun into the jury box?!?
Cobra Commander: Aren't you also going to ask how I got my assistant to be the prosecuting attorney?
Skeletor: Damn... all the cards are stacked against me... ah well, it's still less corrupt than American courts.
Undertaker: The defendant will return to his counsel, or I will kill him!
Undertaker: Call your first witness... and tell him to watch his step or I'll... grrrrr...
April: The prosecution calls, the scientist kidnapped in the last episode, Baxter Stockman.
April: Please state your name and occupation.
Baxter: I am Baxter Stockman... and I am a fly. BZZZ.
April: Are you not also a scientist?
Baxter: When I'm not calling wrestling I have been known to create scientific abominations capable of destroying life as we know it... mwahahahehehaha!… but only in the interest of peace.
April: Is Skeletor a guilty douchebag?
Baxter: Yup.
IRS: Isn't it true, Baxter, that those fucking monsters that were set loose had already matured into ready-to-hatch pods before Skeletor approached you?
Baxter: Umm... yeah.
IRS: And isn't it true you would have set them loose anyway, even without my clients orders?
Baxter: Maybe...
IRS: So you're a lying bastard?
Baxter: No.
IRS: Say you are or I'll rip off your legs and kick your own ass with them!
Undertaker: Don't threaten the witness. That's my job.
Ray: Is there something wrong with your arm?
Undertaker: My shoulder locked into place and I can't put it down. Don't draw any attention to it or I'll kill you.
IRS: I'll threaten whoever the fuck I want to! I'll threaten you right now you sonnuvabitch!
Ray: Please calm down and return to your questioning.
Jury: Yes! Get on with it!
~ WHAM ~
IRS: I'll question who I want when I want! Here's my next question! Do you like being my fucking bitch!?
Ray: ...nooo...
IRS: No further questions, the defense rests.
Skeletor: We what? Do you just hate me? Are you trying to get me killed?
April: My next witness is Detective Donatello.
Donatello: Hi April.
April: Am I always right?
Donatello: Unless you're getting kidnapped again, yes.
April: Did you see any of the events in question?
Donatello: No, but I'm sure Skeletor's guilty. He's a villain after all.
Skeletor: This entire courtroom is prejudiced! If evil can't get a fair trial, who can?
IRS: Just calm down.
Skeletor: Calm down? I'm going to go kick that turtle's ass!
IRS: You can't do that?
Skeletor: Why not?
IRS: Because... uh... ah fuck it, knock yourself out.
Skeletor: How dare you drag my name through the mud you shelled shithead!
Donatello: You want to make something out of this?
Skeletor: Damn right. Get your ass up so I can dine on some fucking turtle soup!
Donatello: Damn, aren't you unoriginal.
~ whap ~
Skeletor: OW! That hurt, you fucker!
Undertaker: You have exactly five seconds to get back to your counsel!
Skeletor: Or...?
Undertaker: You know...
Skeletor: This is one of the five hundred worst days of my life.
IRS: Well, things can't get much worse.
Skeletor: What do you mean? I might die!
IRS: I said they couldn't get 'much' worse, not 'any' worse.
~ ring ~
Cobra Commander: Hmm, phone's ringing. I'll get it. Hello?
Jake Roberts: Uh, that's not a phone.
Cobra Commander: Uuuaaaaagggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!
Koko: I guess it's time to pack it alup. Take the fedders offa Frankie. God bless ya Frankie, thank ya.
IRS: THE DEFENSE CALLS IT'S FIRST FUCKING WITNESS!
Skeletor: Why always the yelling?
IRS: THE UUUUUUUULTIMATE WARRRRRRIORRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
April: Crap.
Warrior: SPEAK TO ME, JURORS! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
IRS: I'd like to ask you to give your impressions of Skeletor's character.
Warrior: Deep in the chasm of villainocity hides the soul of a true warrior.
IRS: Do you think he is truly capable of the atrocities he is being accused of?
Warrior: None may know the atrocification within the soul of humanity, but one who sheds the skinflesh of evil must show all the power of nobilocity inside of him. I speak to that nobilocity today when I tell all the warriors that the power of my warriors, the power of Skeletor's boneration, and Tito Santana's arribaderci shall only fight for the accendeny of all. I do not speak to destroy the boneration! I speak to bring the boneration and my warriors togetheeeeeeeegggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggghhhhhhhh!
Skeletor: Is this some kind of gay thing?
IRS: The defense rests, your honor.
Skeletor: We what now? That lunatic was the best defense we had?
IRS: I guess so, I'm just getting tired.
Skeletor: So what happens now?
IRS: If I guess correctly now they'll decide whether to shoot you or stab you to death.
Undertaker: The jury may now deliberate, but if you take to long, I'll kill you.
Skeletor: If he kills them, do we have to start over?
Undertaker: If I kill them, I'll kill you for wasting my time, then I'll have to try myself for murder…and kill me. Has the jury reached a verdict yet? If you haven't... grrrrrrr.
Troll: We find him... GUILTY AS CHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGED!
Koko: Yeah, gilly, he sure as hell is gilly. God bless ya Frankie.
Egon: Statistics would seem to show a 98% probability that he done it.
Casey Jones: Just as sure as he's a whiny bitch.
Cobra Commander: WUUAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! STOP, I AM YOUR COMMANDER! I AM A MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!
Skeletor: No! How can this be!? All I did was try and take over the room, I've tried it lots of times, what makes this time so different? Why should I be persecuted for my evil now of all times?
IRS: You pissed off the police.
Skeletor: Damn! I don't want to die.
IRS: Well, time for you to pay me.
Skeletor: Pay you? For what? You weren't even trying to win!
IRS: I... was following regulations, and the regulations now say you will pay me.
Undertaker: The court has decided that Skeletor shall be put to death in the fastest, most painful method we can devise. He will soon rest... in peaccccccccccce.
Skeletor: Well, shit.
Boss Man: Well, off to the death house with you.
Skeletor: Death house, sounds nice... hey, does that mean it's where I'm going to die?
Boss Man: No, it's just where we stick you until we're ready to kill you.
Skeletor: Sounds nice.
IRS: Hey babe, just got a big payoff, wanna hit the town?
April: Isn't that against regulations?
IRS: If it gets me laid, I don't give a shit.
Skeletor retires to the death house to await the inevitable. Can this really be the end for our favorite ineffectual villain?
Skeletor: You win this time, legal system, but I'll be back. Mwahahahaha!
Armitage: No you won't.
Skeletor: Well, shit.
TO BE CONTINUED...