THREE YEARS AFTER EPISODE 20 WAS WRITTEN
Three years after Nykk finished the last episode of the Adventures of the PPV Squad, the epic stories of Nykk, Croooooow, Huh and all the others and their encounters with the world of professional wrestling, they are all living in the same house. When Jay's dad finally married his fiancée, he moved into her house and the PPV Squad, being too lazy to get apartments, bought the house. Unfortunately, it cost them every penny they owned and left them nearly broke.
(It's morning at the PPV Squad House. Everyone is sleeping peacefully until a loud crash is heard in the kitchen. Finally, Nykk and Jim get up and wander into the kitchen.)
Nykk: Nathan, what are you doing?
Huh: Cooking breakfast.
Croooooow: But it's 7:30 in the morning!
Huh: One thing the Army taught to me was to be an early riser. And look at what great shape I'm in!
(He flexes his right arm.)
Nykk: Look, you know we won't even think about getting up before noon, and Jay won't get up before three, so why bother?
Huh: I can change you guys for the better. I'm a veteran now.
Croooooow: You were dishonorably discharged, Nathan.
Huh: It was a conspiracy. They wanted me out.
Nykk: I have no doubt about that, but there wasn't a conspiracy. You killed Osama bin Laden!
Croooooow: Yeah. Didn't you know they wanted him alive?
Huh: It wasn't my fault. I hadn't gone to the bathroom in two days and I just kind of blew.
(He farts demonstratively.)
Huh: It was just a fart.
Nykk: Just a fart? You melded his turban to his skull!
Croooooow: (sniffs) What is that?
Huh: House special. Steak and baked potatoes.
Nykk: For breakfast?
Huh: I figure if I start now, I'll have enough for everybody by the time supper rolls around. I'll get started on your guys' share about an hour before dinner time.
Nykk: You know, you haven't changed a bit. You may be more muscle than fat now, but you still eat like there was no tomorrow, belch on command and break the sound barrier with your farts.
Huh: Huh?
(Nykk and Croooooow sigh.)
Huh: Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I will need you guys to run down to Rot's Market and get some beef. I mean… heh… it's kind of pointless having steaks and baked potatoes with no beef, you know?
(Nykk fishes through his pockets and pulls out a five-dollar bill.)
Nykk: Well, I'm almost broke.
Croooooow: You're about four dollars better off than me.
Nykk: Man, looks like we'll have to get jobs soon.
Croooooow: I am not going back to the hell that is Blockbuster. I was Employee of the Month there and they still didn't pay me shit!
Nykk: What month was that?
Croooooow: Oh, I don't know. Time sort of blurred together when I was there.
(A few hours later, Nykk and Croooooow have taken showers and get in Nykk's Camaro. They pull out of the driveway and knock over the mailbox. Nykk and Croooooow get out of the car.)
Croooooow: You knocked it right off the post this time.
Nykk: Well, let's just put it in the back seat so that the guys don't see it and they think some vandals did it.
Croooooow: Garbage Night, Car Tag, Roof Bungee Jumping…
Nykk: What?
Croooooow: We ARE the vandals, remember? Besides, they're going to see it sitting in your back seat.
Nykk: Then get that roll of toilet paper from the glove box and wrap the mailbox in it. They'll think it's a dead squirrel or something.
Croooooow: What do you have toilet paper in the glove box for? Spill a lot of sodas in the car or something?
Nykk: (rolls eyes) Yeeeeah…
(They wrap the mailbox in toilet paper and throw it in the back seat. Nykk then starts the car and they head towards Rot's Market, with Nykk running over the mailbox post on his way down the street.)
Croooooow: I'm pretty sure stealing a mailbox is a federal offense, even if it is your own.
Nykk: Well, let's hope we don't get questioned by any cops then. Stupid Nathan… who asked him to cook anyway? Now I've got to spend my last five bucks on enough beef to feed that camouflaged brain of his.
Croooooow: Cheer up. At least you can get a better job with your degree. I got a degree in THEATER. What the hell kind of job am I supposed to get with that?
Nykk: My English degree doesn't exactly open up a world of opportunities for me either. Now what?
(As they pull out onto the main road leading into the center of Bellbrookville, Nykk gets stuck behind several other cars that are stopped.)
Croooooow: I can't see the problem from here. Looks like we're stuck.
Nykk: Since we're waiting here, there's a few concerns I think we should consider now that we're living with everybody. I mean, this was your idea.
Croooooow: It was not, it was your idea! You came up with the idea that it would be cheaper splitting a monthly house payment six ways as opposed to individual apartments.
Nykk: There's just a few things we need to square away with everybody.
Croooooow: Art already promised no more late-night Spice Girls dancing sessions.
Nykk: Did you know he likes to walk around naked when he thinks nobody's home?
Croooooow: We have to make some compromises. What about your bad habits?
Nykk: I don't have any bad habits.
Croooooow: You do too. How about when you talk on the phone? Do you have to YELL so everyone in the house can hear you? Or how about your reckless driving? You're going to hit something someday. Matter of fact, you already did.
Nykk: Speaking of which, what the hell is taking so long?
Croooooow: It's just early morning traffic. It'll clear up.
Nykk: We are NOT going to wait here!
(He slams his foot on the gas pedal and pulls onto the shoulder, driving through several people's front yards until he gets ahead of the traffic. He slides back on the road and smacks his hands together.)
Nykk: And that is that!
Croooooow: DEER!
(Nykk slams on the brakes and barely swerves to miss a family of deer that was crossing the road. Nykk swerves around the road and hits a bump, sending his car flying into the Rot's Market parking lot and they screech to a halt perfectly fit into a parking space.)
Nykk: See? Told you I could get us out of that traffic jam.
Croooooow: You know, there are traffic laws for a reason. And you almost killed a deer. You could get in trouble for that too.
Nykk: We'll, they're really stupid laws. Besides, the only reason rules are made is so they can be broken.
Croooooow: That didn't make any sense.
(They go inside the store and get a shopping cart.)
Nykk: I guess we better get as much as we possibly can since we probably won't be eating until we find jobs.
(They go to the back of Rot's until they come across the meat counter. Behind it is a dumb-looking big guy with black hair.)
Nykk: Hey, Keith. You working here now?
Keith: Keith?
Nykk: Yes. Keith. You.
Keith: (looks relieved) Oh, thank goodness. What can I… um… uh…
Croooooow: …do for you?
Keith: Yeah, that's it.
Croooooow: We need a lot of beef.
Keith: Oh, you should visit the meat counter then.
Nykk: This is the meat counter.
Keith: It is? I thought I worked on clean-up. You say you want pork?
Croooooow: Beef.
Keith: (smiles) That's me!
Croooooow: No, not Keith. BEEF!
Keith: Come on, you guys have been making fat jokes about me since the fifth grade, even worse than that Nathan kid you hung out with. I'm not that fat anymore.
Nykk: (sighs) Look, Queith… you see that red, slimy-looking stuff in the saran wrap? We want some of that.
Keith: Pork?
Croooooow: No. Beef!
Keith: Oh, okay.
(He takes some beef from under the counter and unwraps it. He sprays some Windex on it and starts wiping it clean with a rag.)
Nykk: What the hell are you doing now!?
Keith: Cleaning it. I'm on clean-up crew!
Nykk: Never mind!
(Nykk and Croooooow walk away, disgusted.)
Croooooow: Oh well. Too much beef is unhealthy anyway. Hey look, the potato chip aisle!
(As they walk down the potato chip aisle, Croooooow's cell phone rings. He takes it out and answers it.)
Croooooow: Hello? Hold on, he's right here.
(He hands his phone to Nykk.)
Croooooow: It's Jay. He wants to talk to you.
Nykk: (takes the phone) Jay? What are you doing up before sunset?
Jay: Nick?
Nykk: (sighs) Look, I know it's Nykk, you know it's Nykk, and everyone else knows it's Nykk. Why don't you just drop this tired game?
Jay: Fine, Nykk. Are you guys in Rot's Market right now?
Nykk: Yeah. Why?
Jay: You haven't seen the news then. Someone called in a bomb scare!
Nykk: Jay!
Jay: It wasn't me, I swear! I'd never make bombs for destructive purposes! They decided to evacuate the building so you better get out of there.
Nykk: Okay. Anything you need me to pick up before we vacate the building?
Jay: I'm not kidding! Get out of there now! …Actually, could you pick me up some pork? I'm starving.
Nykk: Been there, not dealing with that again. J
ay: At least we're not having venison. Last time I had that I was up puking all night. Worst day of my life.
(He hangs up the phone.)
Croooooow: What did he say?
Nykk: You know. The usual. Nick, Nykk, this. Death and destruction that. Bomb scare out the wazoo. I think he wants us to come home though. He sounded cranky.
Croooooow: He probably just got up. We better go anyway, before he sends Dusty down to find us.
(They walk down the aisle and notice that there is nobody in the store.)
Nykk: I wonder where everybody went.
(They stop at the exit, watching the automatic door open and close.)
Croooooow: Whoa. That's cool.
Nykk: Very dangan.
(They finally walk out to the parking lot only to see a semi-circle of police cars blocking them. As they exit, the police duck behind their car doors and point their guns.)
Officer: It's them! The bombers!
Nykk: What are they talking about? We don't play hockey.
Croooooow: Hey, do we look like bombers to…
(He and Croooooow take a good look at each other. Nykk is wearing all black with a tan trench coat, has his hair tied in a ponytail and is sporting a goatee. Croooooow is wearing a black shirt with blue jeans and a long coat, with his long red hair hanging freely.)
Nykk and Croooooow: Oh.
(They put their hands into the air.)
Croooooow: Look, you've got the wrong guys! I mean, why would we call in a bomb threat to a grocery store?
(A police officer steps out from behind his car, holding the mailbox wrapped in toilet paper.)
Officer George: Oh yeah? Then what's this? My keen policeman skills tells me that this mailbox-like object is a bomb cleverly wrapped in toilet tissue to symbolize… uh… toilets!
Croooooow: That? It's just a mail…
(He stops as Nykk elbows him in the ribs.)
Croooooow: Uh, I mean… it's… a bomb.
Officer George: Aah! It's a bomb!
(He drops the mailbox and runs away screaming. The police officers all panic and get in their cars. They peel out of the parking lot and head for the police station until a car passes them at one mile an hour over the speed limit. The squad cars all turn around and turn on their sirens, giving chase to the unlucky citizen.)
Nykk: Well… that was a close one.
Croooooow: We sure do live in a weird town.
(Nykk picks up the mailbox and throws it back into the back seat.)
Nykk: We're going to have to do something with this eventually.
(They get in the car and drive off. However, a shadowy figure watches them through the store window from the concealment of the shopping carts, taking great care as to not be seen.)
Nykk: Hey. Look at that shadowy figure over there.
Croooooow: Oh yeah. Cool. Like foreshadowing the appearance of a villain or something!
(They drive back to the PPV Squad House, and park in the driveway.)
Nykk: Freakin' finally!
Croooooow: Wait.
Nykk: What?
Croooooow: What are we going to tell Nathan? We never got him any meat.
Nykk: Hmm…
(He and Croooooow look at each other and then pull out of the driveway. Later that night, the PPV Squad has "steak" and baked potatoes with stunning compliments all around.)
Cheesecake: Nice dish, guys. Dusty was already to smack ya's if you didn't come back with the grub.
Dusty: Very good thinking to get some deer meat instead. It's not even hunting season. Where the hell did you get venison?
(Nykk and Croooooow stare at each other uncomfortably.)
Huh: Shh… Jay will hear you. I told him it was a brand of cow meat called New Beef.
Jay: Anyway, since we're all here, it's time for a meeting. Now it cost us every penny we had to buy this place, so first thing tomorrow we need to go out and get jobs to make the monthly house payments. We can't slack off if we want to keep this house. Got it?
(They all nod their assent as Jay gets out a pen and notebook paper.)
Jay: Okay, Jim… what skills do you have to offer the working world?
Croooooow: Um… I can operate a cash register, handle customers, recommend movies, and… act.
Jay: (scribbles) Alrighty… I think that you should go down to Blockbuster and see if they're hiring.
(Nykk and Croooooow give him an evil look.)
Croooooow: (to Nykk) You want to, or should I?
Nykk: He's all yours.
(Croooooow leans in close to Jay's ear.)
Croooooow: (whispers) Jay, do you know what you're eating? It's…
(Scene cut due to excessive obscenities.)
To Be Continued…
Next Occurrence…
Nykk: The show's only just begun ladies and gentlemen, and in the next occurrence, PPV meets JOB.
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: That's okay, Nathan. No one expected you to have the answers.
Croooooow: What's this? Women? What the hell? Never in the history of the PPV Squad have we had to deal with women!
Nykk: Times change, Jim. We'll see you next time on the first episode of Adventures in Bellbrookville, Occurrence 1: It Starts (Again).
Jay: Will I have to be up for this one?