When the PPV Squad bought Jay's dad's house, the problem remained that the purchase rendered them all broke. So the day after Nykk and Croooooow went to the grocery store, they all promised to go out and find jobs.
INT. THE HOUSE - MORNING
(It's 8:00 AM at the PPV Squad house when the smoke detector goes off. Everyone awakens with a start and hurries into the kitchen/common room.)
Cheesecake: (holding his ears) What the hell is that?
Nykk: It's the smoke detector. Is something burning?
Croooooow: Well, shouldn't we be outside, away from whatever’s burning?
Huh: Huh?
Croooooow: Let's just get outside. I'll get Jay.
(Nykk drags Huh and Cheesecake out of the house while Croooooow barges into Jay’s room. Jay is laying face down on his bed with his ass in the air, his snoring actually managing to drown out the sound of the smoke detector.)
Croooooow: Jay!
Jay: *snore*
Croooooow: Jay!
Jay: *snore*
Croooooow: Snore!
Jay: Fire!
(He gets up and dives out the window, still in his boxers. Croooooow runs out the front door to stand on the lawn with the rest.)
EXT. THE HOUSE - MORNING
Croooooow: Wait a minute. Where's Dusty?
Cheesecake: Should've known.
(A few moments later, a fire truck pulls onto the street and screeches to a halt, running over the mailbox. Dusty jumps out of the truck and runs up to them.)
Dusty: Hey, guys!
Jay: Dusty, what are you doing?
Dusty: I got a job!
Croooooow: Oh, the irony...
Dusty: (points) Don't make me smack ya!
Huh: Is the house on fire or what?
Dusty: Naw, we just needed ta simulate a fire situation for training, so I volunteered our house!
Nykk: Dusty! How could you do such a thing? And since when are you an advocate for PUTTING OUT fires?
Dusty: What, ya don't believe I could do it? I oughta smack ya!
(The firemen get out and swarm the house. One chops in the front door with an ax while others jump into the house.)
Croooooow: Dusty... it's nice you got a job and all, but the reason we’re looking for jobs is so we can afford the upkeep on the house, which is really kind of funny because your job is CAUSING its destruction!
Dusty: (rubs his chin) I didn't consider that...
Jay: Hey, at least Dusty found a job, which is more than anyone else can say.
Nykk: What are you talking about? Are you calling us lazy, 'Mr. I-can't-find-a-job-but-I'll-pretend-to-be-a-big-shot-and-order-everyone-around? I bet Jim and I can find a job before you!
Croooooow: Wait a minute...
Jay: You want to bet on that? How about whoever wins has to pay the other’s rent for this month?
Nykk: Fine!
Jay: It's a bet, then!
(Nykk and Jay shake hands.)
EXT. THE RAT MAZE - DAY
(Meanwhile, on the other side of the Rat Maze, a car screeches to a halt and drops a passenger out the side. The car speeds off as the passenger picks up her suitcase. The hitchhiker is a short, blondish-red haired girl.)
Hitchhiker: Hey, I told you I'd pay for gas with the last of my money, and I did! At least give me my seventy-five cents back! Damn...
(She brushes herself off and starts walking. At that moment, Nykk and Croooooow pull around the corner in Nykk’s Camaro.)
Croooooow: Why do you have to get me mixed up in these things?
Nykk: Look, Jay hasn't had a job in months. He's not going to go out and magically find one today. Besides, I'm way more qualified than him.
Croooooow: Really? What skills do you have?
Nykk: More than Jay.
Croooooow: At what?
Nykk: I don't know... just more than him... at things... pertaining to jobs... shut up.
Croooooow: And you better slow down, or you'll hit something.
Nykk: Nah, nothing's around except that pedestrian over there, and I can see her.
Croooooow: You're heading right for her!
(Nykk slams on the brakes, but the girl spins around and jumps, landing on her feet on the hood of the car. Unfortunately, Nykk grazes a tree, which takes off the passenger side rearview mirror and scrapes off a lot of paint. Nykk screeches to a halt and he and Croooooow get out.)
Nykk: Whoa, that was sweet!
Croooooow: Are you all right?
Hitchhiker: Yeah, no problem. Looks like you guys are in trouble, though.
Nykk: What?
Hitchhiker: Reckless driving, endangerment of a pedestrian... I'm afraid you'll have to hand over your license.
Nykk: (takes out his license) All right, but the picture's really bad. It was my twenty-first birthday and I was drunk, so my eyes look... wait, you're not a cop. Are you?
Hitchhiker: Where are you guys off to?
Nykk: We need to go find jobs.
Hitchhiker: Well, you're in luck then! Buy me lunch, drive me to the mall, take me shopping for God's sake, and I won't press charges. I've also got a big job lined up, one that I hitchhiked across the country for. I'll let you guys in on it.
Croooooow: Drove across the country? Where are you from?
Hitchhiker: I'm from Colorado. Are you guys in?
Croooooow: I don't know. Can we trust you?
Hitchhiker: Hey, why else would I be in Ohio?
Nykk: Good point.
Croooooow: All right, then. What's your name?
Hitchhiker: I'm Jenni. Some call me Shadow.
Croooooow: I'm Jim and he's Nykk.
Shadow: Glad to meet ya! Let's go get something to eat!
(She hops in the back seat of the car.)
Nykk: Great, now we have to chauffeur a GIRL around!
(Croooooow looks at him, annoyed, and then they get into the car.)
INT. BELLBROOKVILLE FIRE STATION - DAY
(A few new firefighters, including Dusty, are chatting with each other when the fire chief walks in. The recruits form a straight line and wait for his instructions.)
Fire Chief: Men, I have some bad news. It seems that we're short-handed. I'm sorry, but if we're not at full capacity by the end of the day, the government is going to shut us down and Bellbrookville will be without a fire department.
(The recruits look at each other.)
Recruit: Um... how can the town not have a fire department?
Fire Chief: The government's cutting costs, and safety of its citizens is first on the list. Unless you know some people who want to join the fire department, we're all out of a job.
(Dusty laughs evilly.)
Dusty: Don't worry. I know where to get the bodies... I mean, willing volunteers.
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(The front door opens and Huh walks out, singing to himself.)
Huh: (singing) Do-da-do-dee-do, I don’t have anything to do for the entire episode!
(All of a sudden, Dusty emerges from around the corner of the house and whacks Huh across the back of the head with a fire hose. Huh falls to the ground limply and Dusty drags him off.)
INT. THE HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
(Cheesecake is looking longingly inside the refrigerator.)
Cheesecake: Food... I need food... I'm a victim of unwilling anorexia here, and it'th murder on the th'kin!
(He sighs and shuts the refrigerator door. He walks away but soon glances downward, seeing a bag of candy.)
Cheesecake: Ooh, chocolate!
(He picks the bag up, but a net suddenly springs up around him, lifting him off his feet and dangling him in midair. Cheesecake gives a very girlish scream. Dusty walks into the room and calmly loads a tranquilizer into a trajectory gun. Humming to himself, he sets it against Cheesecake's neck and pulls the trigger. Cheesecake sighs happily before drifting into unconsciousness.)
EXT. BELLBROOKVILLE PLAZA - DAY
(Meanwhile, Nykk pulls into Bellbrookville Plaza. They stop in the Burger Place parking lot at Bellbrookville Plaza.)
Croooooow: Should we really be indulging ourselves like this? We don't have that much money left.
Nykk: Can you think of a place with cheaper food? Besides, I used to work here. They all loved me. We can get a good discount.
Shadow: Whatever. Let's just eat.
INT. BURGER PLACE - DAY
(They walk up to a black-haired cashier in a red Burger Place uniform. His nametag says, 'Eric.')
Eric: Can I help you?
Nykk: Hey, Eric! Long time no see!
Eric: Do I know you?
Nykk: It's me... Nykk! We worked together for two years, remember?
Eric: I don't seem to recollect...
Nykk: I can't believe you forgot me. (thinks) Maybe this will help...
(He launches into a profanity-laced tirade that makes all the customers cover their ears and withers all nearby plants.)
Eric: Oh yeah, I remember now. I gotta give you a discount. Hold on a second, and I'll call the manager.
Nykk: (to Croooooow) See, I told you.
Eric: Hey, Keith!
Croooooow: Oh fuck...
(Keith comes out front from the office in a manager's uniform.)
Keith: (cheerfully) Yeah?
Eric: This guy used to work here. Give me your keys so I can give him a discount.
Keith: (smiles) That's my name!
Nykk: Not Keith, keys! He wants your keys!
Keith: (confused) He can't have my keys. How am I supposed to drive home?
Croooooow: The keys to the register.
Keith: Yep, it registered. I heard him just fine.
Nykk: Look, we just want our discount.
Keith: (shakes his head) You can't have it. The title of 'viscount' was abolished along with the feudal system...
Nykk: Never mind!
(They walk away from the register.)
Shadow: I get the feeling stuff like this happens to you guys a lot.
Croooooow: Oh, where to start?
Nykk: None of this stuff ever happened until we all started living together.
Shadow: You mean there's MORE of you!?
Croooooow: Scary, isn't it?
Shadow: What are they like?
Croooooow: Well, we're just your stereotypical group of guys. I'm the smart ass, Nykk's the obtuse one, Huh's the dumb one, Cheesecake is the eccentric, Jay's the motor head, and well... then there's Dusty. The evil one.
Shadow: The evil one?
Nykk: Yeah, he's evil to the core, but I don't think he'd ever deliberately hurt any of us.
INT. BELLBROOKVILLE FIRE STATION – DAY
(The recruits from before, now including Huh, Cheesecake and three ragged looking men. Huh is holding his head and Cheesecake is rubbing his neck.)
Fire Chief: Are these the new recruits, Dusty?
Dusty: Yes. The oddly dressed one is Cheesecake. Do NOT shower with him. And the generic one is Huh. Do NOT eat with him! (pauses) And do NOT shower with him! And the others are three homeless guys I picked up.
Fire Chief: Very good, Dusty. You have curried my favor. From now on, only you and your two friends will be allowed to talk. Okay, the rest of you nameless faces... get back to work!
(The other recruits go back to washing a fire engine.)
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - DAY
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow are standing in a large, open area.)
Nykk: Are you sure this is the place you were supposed to meet your new boss?
Shadow: I was given very specific instructions. 'Meet me in an abandoned warehouse in Ohio.' This has to be it.
(Footsteps are heard, and they all turn toward the sound. A long shadow precedes a dark, shadowy figure dressed in a black business suit. When the very female figure finally walks into the light, she noticeably distracts Nykk and Croooooow.)
Woman: Are you the one I talked to? The one from Colorado?
Shadow: Yes, ma'am.
Woman: And are these the Sacrificial LAMBS I requested?
Croooooow: Wait a minute! Sacrificial lambs?
Woman: (sighs) No, you fool, Sacrificial Loafers with AMBitionS. It's your job title.
Croooooow: Oh.
Nykk: And who are you?
Woman: I am your boss. Karen Hunt, your VILLAIN.
Croooooow: Our villain?
Karen: Vixen Integrated with Lithe Legs and Ass to Insure Notoriety.
Nykk: Do you have an anagram for everything?
Karen: An anagram is a word made up of letters that form another word. These are acronyms, stupid.
Croooooow: (scratches his head) What did you say your name was?
Karen: Karen Hunt.
(Nykk snickers.)
Karen: What's so funny?
Nykk: If you just use your first initial and last name, it sounds like...
(Croooooow and Shadow elbow him and Karen gives him an evil look.)
Karen: Follow me.
(She leads them to an elevator. She presses a button and the elevator begins its ascent.)
Karen: I suppose you wonder why I went all the way to Colorado to seek out a specialist for my employer.
Shadow: Not really.
Karen: A Colorado native is used to the thin air that perpetuates the altitude of the Rocky Mountains. I need someone who can withstand the thin air… of HEIGHTS.
Nykk: HEIGHTS? What does that stand for?
Karen: Nothing. That's just the word I used.
Croooooow: You know, this building is only two stories high.
(The elevator stops and they get off on the roof.)
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, ROOF - DAY
(There's a big control panel in front of them, with many complicated buttons and levers.)
Nykk: Wow. What does all this do?
Karen: Actually, most of the buttons don’t do anything. They're there purely for aesthetics.
(She points to a smaller panel marked 'REAL CONTROL PANEL.')
Karen: This is what you need to worry about. With this, you will shape the future and polish the present of the entire world. Power beyond imagining lies right here at your fingertips, and according to the will of my employer, you will help to set the world on a new path of glory and pleasure.
Nykk: It sounds kind of boring.
Karen: Be that as it may, your DNA has already been scanned, and you can’t get out of it now unless dead. So nyah.
Croooooow: What does this job pay again?
Karen: Your day-to-day needs will be accommodated by my employer. We cannot pay you a large salary, or you would stand out too much to the ignorant masses. Therefore, you must only be paid the bare minimum of what it costs you to continue your pathetic existence.
Nykk: What does this button do?
(He pushes a green button and a large rod emerges from a satellite tower. It suddenly bends horizontal and points directly at City Hall before shooting a large laser beam, which causes a big explosion.)
Nykk: That was awesome!
Croooooow: Awesome? You just destroyed Bellbrookville City Hall!
Nykk: You know, you're right. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps we aren’t in the employment of an evil maniac who is hell bent on world domination.
Karen: I'm standing right here, you know. I assure you that I do not want to take over the world, only the state of Ohio.
Croooooow: Okay. WHY?
Karen: That will be revealed in the fullness of time.
(The building that Nykk shot suddenly collapses.)
Karen: Ah! So the leaders will now be brought to level with their followers.
(She takes out a cell phone and dials a number.)
Karen: You three will oversee the capture of this city's politicians. A hit team will meet you on the ground and you will assault the ruined fortress with all the might of your will.
(A helicopter flies in and Karen gets inside. It flies off and leaves Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow standing there.)
Nykk: I feel bad.
Croooooow: That's okay, you couldn't have known...
Nykk: No, I wanted to ask her for her phone number before she left.
Croooooow: (sighs) So what do we do now?
Shadow: I don't understand any of this, but the best thing to do right now is just follow the story to its illogical conclusion.
Nykk: Right. Now where's that hit team?
(They run down the stairs and are saluted by about twenty soldiers, each with a gun.)
Soldier: We are yours to command!
Nykk: Really? Well, could you go down to Burger Place for me? There’s this guy named Keith...
Croooooow: Nykk!
Nykk: Right, sorry. All right, let's go... that way!
(The soldiers march off in the direction that Nykk points and they soon arrive at City Hall, where several politicians are standing outside.)
Mayor: That was a nasty explosion. It's a good thing we were outside playing touch football.
Politician 1: Yeah, the only person in there right now Janitor Max.
(An old man suddenly appears in one of the burning windows, waving his arms.)
Max: Help! I'm burning!
(The politicians burst out laughing.)
Politician 2: That crazy old Max!
(Nykk, Croooooow, Shadow and the hit team finally show up.)
Nykk: Whew... finally.
(Sirens are heard and a fire truck stops on the curb. Dusty, Huh, Cheesecake and the rest of the firefighters get out.)
Dusty: You guys?
Nykk: Hey, Dusty! What are you guys doing here?
Dusty: We're firefighters, you idiot! Who are the guys in the weird outfits?
(The hit team suddenly point their weapons at everyone.)
Soldier: All right, don't move! We're here to place this city under the control of...
Croooooow: This isn’t right. We need to do something, guys.
(The mayor walks up to the lead soldier and gets a gun pointed under his chin.)
Mayor: See here... this is a peace loving city, and I assure you unless you cease and desist immediately, you will be hurt!
Shadow: Wait!
(Everyone looks at her.)
Shadow: I have to admit I am a stranger to this land, but I must say this. I came to Ohio looking to make a better life for myself, and found amongst you decent people who I now consider my friends. And if my employer wishes to take away the peace and love I have encountered so far, then you'll have to shoot me too.
Croooooow: (steps beside her) And me!
(They look at Nykk.)
Nykk: Yeah right, I ain't getting shot.
(A helicopter suddenly lands and Karen gets out.)
Karen: So this is how you repay my kindness? I take you in and pay you the bare minimum to keep you alive and you betray me? They are traitors! Kill them all.
(The hit team points their guns at Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow.)
Soldier: (salutes) Roger!
Karen: My name's not Roger. (points to Nykk) Kill him first. He desires me.
(A soldier points his gun at Nykk, who yelps and dives behind the Mayor. A shot rings through the air and the Mayor falls over.)
Croooooow: Quick! Grab a politician!
(A soldier shoots at Croooooow, but he grabs a nearby suit and blocks the bullet. Shadow does the same, and Dusty suddenly opens a hatch on the fire truck, pulling out military rifles and throwing them to the firefighters. The hit team suddenly stops as they are facing armed firefighters.)
Karen: It seems a retreat would be in order.
(She gets in the helicopter.)
Dusty: Fire!
(The firefighters fire their guns, but a force field blocks the bullets. Karen laughs.)
Karen: You win this time, but I'll be back! Oh, and by the way... you three are fired!
(The helicopter takes off and Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow look at the ground dejectedly.)
Politician 1: The day is saved!
Dusty: It would seem our work is done.
(They put away the guns and climb onto the fire truck.)
Politician 2: But what about the fire?
Dusty: Oh yeah. Throw some ice water on it and it'll be fine.
Croooooow: Um, Dusty, why is the Bellbrookville Fire Department armed with military rifles?
Dusty: Because... uh... you saw nothing!
(He smacks Croooooow, who falls on the ground, and the fire truck speeds away. Nykk and Shadow help Croooooow up as Politician 1 pats them on the shoulder.)
Politician 1: Well done, citizens. Aren't you happy that the leaders of this city can continue with their endless committees and lists?
Nykk: Well, not really. We lost our jobs.
Politician 1: Well, let's see if I can't do something about that. Since the Mayor is dead...
Mayor: (from the ground) No I'm not.
Politician 1: ...that means I am in control of the city, and with that supervillain on the loose, who can say when she might strike again? So I hereby appoint you three as Defenders of Bellbrookville. You will be paid to protect the city from that woman until she is apprehended. The dead mayor would have wanted it this way, I think.
Mayor: (from the ground) I'm not dead.
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow give each other a glad look.)
EXT. THE HOUSE – DAY
(Nykk and Croooooow are trimming some bushes with hedge clippers.)
Nykk: Well, it's been an interesting day at least. We met some interesting people, got an interesting new job…
Croooooow: Will you stop saying 'interesting?' You do realize that if we ever catch Karen Hunt, we'll be fired, right?
Nykk: Jim... look who you’re talking about. As long as we half ass it like we do everything else, we should have a job until we retire.
Croooooow: You're right. Let's go see if Huh is cooking anything.
(Suddenly, part of the house explodes.)
Nykk: Yep.
(They walk inside the house.)
INT. THE HOUSE – DAY
(They walk past the living room but suddenly stop in their tracks. They see Shadow putting all her stuff on a fold-out couch.)
Nykk: Wh... what do you think you're doing?
Shadow: Well, if I'm going to be a Defender of Bellbrookville, I need a place to stay, don't I? I can't very well defend this place from Colorado.
Croooooow: That's not what he meant... there are already four other guys besides us living here...
Shadow: I know, and don't worry, you won't bother me one bit!
Croooooow: But you can't just... I, here... oh, I give up.
(Jay walks into the room.)
Jay: Okay, guys, it's time to... (looks at Shadow) Who are you?
Shadow: My name's Shadow.
Jay: Oh. (to Nykk and Croooooow) All right, let's hear it. Did you find jobs yet?
Nykk: You bet we did, at 4:30 PM today. Beat that.
Jay: I got a job at Nitwit's at 8:45 this morning. You lose.
Croooooow: Oh, man. All that work for nothing.
Nykk: Hey, at least we found jobs. That's what's important.
Shadow: So where do we go from here?
Croooooow: I guess since you live with us now, we make you a member of the PPV Squad.
Nykk: Come on.
(They walk into the kitchen, leaving Jay standing alone. He looks around, and shrugs and the scene fades to black.)
Jay: Damn light bulbs...
The End