EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Grunts of effort and frustration from inside the house filter to the rest of the neighborhood and some farting noises can be heard.)
INT. THE HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
(Close up of something dark hanging in the air. With one last grunt, it drops off and splatters all over a piece of bread. Zoom out, and we see that Huh is holding a squeezable bottle of jelly over many pieces of bread.)
Huh: There. Finally.
(Shadow walks in.)
Shadow: Hey, Huh.
Huh: Hey, Shadow. You want to help me make lunch for everyone?
Shadow: What are you making exactly?
Huh: Jelly and chocolate syrup sandwiches, of course.
Shadow: Uh... no thanks, then. Why are you making lunch for everyone?
Huh: We're going to the zoo.
Shadow: We are? When?
Huh: We're supposed to leave at 9:30.
Shadow: It's 10:03.
Huh: Ah damn, everyone overslept again. (picks up an old-fashioned can of chocolate syrup) Could you go wake them up?
Shadow: Sure.
(She walks off as Huh tries unsuccessfully to twist the top off the can. He studies it for a moment and then bangs it on the counter. Seeing no results, he picks up a knife and starts trying to stab holes in the top.)
INT. THE HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY
(Nykk is sleeping peacefully as Shadow enters. She smacks him across the back of the head.)
Shadow: Wake up! Huh says we're going to the zoo for some reason.
Nykk: (yawns) It's really not that important. I'm going back to sleep.
(Shadow walks into the next room and then comes back.)
Shadow: Where's Jim?
Nykk: Sleeping on the floor in the hallway between Dusty and Jay's room.
Shadow: Why? He has a bedroom here.
Nykk: We just kind of sleep wherever we fall.
(Shadow sighs and leaves the room.)
INT. THE HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
(Huh manages to stab a hole in the top of the can of syrup and turns it upside down, waiting expectantly. When nothing happens, he starts shaking the can, and finally, a trickle of syrup starts to come out. Huh waits for a moment and then gets impatient. He searches feverishly through the drawer for something as Shadow walks back in.)
Shadow: Why are we going to the zoo anyway?
Huh: Jim has a college graduate course he's taking. He's supposed to observe the behavior of primitive animals, or something.
Shadow: They say the difference between humans and animals is the ability to use tools.
Huh: What are you talking about?
(He starts banging the can of syrup on the counter again. Finally, the can bends and breaks, and chocolate syrup spills all over the floor. Moments later, Jay and Dusty walk in. Jay looks at the syrup and then at Huh.)
Jay: You know, there are pills for that…
Huh: Huh?
Jay: What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Huh: Making lunch.
Jay: God, not jelly and chocolate syrup sandwiches…
Huh: Yep, fresh from the mint.
Jay: A mint is used to print money, not make food.
Dusty: (enthusiastically) Is it flambé?
Huh: No.
Dusty: (less enthusiastically) Rotisserie?
Huh: No.
Dusty: (dejectedly) Then it's…
Huh: Cold.
Dusty: (evilly) We'll see about that.
Jay: (to Dusty) No we won't! Last time you tried to cook, you set the house on fire. (to Huh) Besides, I am not… where's all the food!?
Huh: (mouth full) Sorry… I got hungry.
(Jay sighs.)
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
(A car speeds down the freeway.)
INT. CAR - DAY
(Nykk is driving the PPV Squad van with Croooooow riding shotgun, Jay and Dusty in the two middle seats and Shadow, Huh and Cheesecake in the back. Nykk looks extremely tired.)
Dusty: ...so he said, 'I'm sorry, sir, that's not on sale for a dollar,' and then I said, 'I'll kill your whole family!' HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Croooooow: (to Nykk) Are we there yet?
(Nykk grumbles unintelligibly.)
Croooooow: What's with you?
Nykk: That truck is following me.
(Croooooow looks in the rearview mirror and sees a semi truck, with Balrog Candles painted on the side, and Utah plates, close behind them.)
Croooooow: He probably just wants to pass you. You are going kind of slow.
(The truck flips on its turn signal and switches to the other lane.)
Nykk: Oh, hell no!
(He speeds up and prevents the truck from passing.)
Jay: What are you doing? Just let him by!
(The truck gets back in the lane behind Nykk and sounds its horn angrily.)
Croooooow: I think he's mad.
(They pass EXIT 7, The Street of Khazad-dum.)
Jay: That... was our exit... back there.
(Nykk leans out the window and gives the truck driver the finger. The truck driver gets a surprised look on his face, followed by a determined one. He speeds up and rams the van from behind.)
Nykk: Oh, so that's how he wants to play? We'll just see about that.
(He slows down and the truck sees that as a sign that he can pass. When he switches lanes, Nykk suddenly sideswipes him.)
Shadow: You know, our seat belts back here don't work!
(The truck sideswipes the van, nearly sending them off the road.)
Nykk: Damn.
(Croooooow looks over at the truck driver, who has fire in his eyes and is glaring at them angrily.)
Croooooow: This foe is beyond us. Drive!
(Nykk slams on the gas pedal and speeds ahead, but the truck is fast behind him. Nykk suddenly slows down a bit.)
Croooooow: Nykk!
(Nykk sideswipes him again and gets the two vehicles stuck together.)
Nykk: You cannot pass!
(The truck sounds its horn again, which now sounds more like a demon roaring.)
Nykk: Your candles will not avail you, trucker of Utah! Go back to the loading dock.
(The trucker gives him the finger.)
Nykk: YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!
(He suddenly wrenches the steering wheel left and the entire PPV Squad starts shouting. He forces the truck left also, and they come onto a bridge. They break through the barrier and fly off the side of the overhead pass. The bridge collapses behind them.)
Croooooow: Nooooooo!
(They become detached in mid-air, and the truck hits a body of water, exploding for no apparent reason. The van lands in the zoo's parking lot, and screeches to a halt, fitting perfectly into a space.)
Nykk: All right. Let's go.
(The rest of the Squad's eyes are wide, and they are pale and breathing heavily.)
Jay: Give us a moment, for pity's sake!
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
(Amidst the symmetry of the parking lot, theirs is the only vehicle with the left side all ground up, smoke billowing out of the exhaust pipe and steam coming from under the hood.)
INT. ASSEMBLY HALL - DAY
(Various shots of people putting on gloves and combat boots. A regiment of people march in sync to their seats and a man steps up to a podium.)
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, our day is finally at hand! We, the leaders of CRAP, Citizens Relishing Animal Protection, have found a person who can make all our dreams come true. May I introduce to you, Miss Karen Hunt!
(He applauds and steps down as the rest of the audience applauds. Karen Hunt steps up to the podium.)
Karen: Thank you. For years, you have labored for the protection of animal rights, but what has it really gotten you? Stuck in an organization going nowhere due to the inane laws of this country. Well, it's time you stepped outside the law and now is the time to do it. Your mission today is to release every animal in Bellbrookville Zoo, to let them finally roam free at last. However, it has come to my attention that there are three. Three who defy my employer and work to 'protect' the city. If they get in the way, kill them at once, for the sake of animal protection.
Man: Uh... is that legal?
Karen: I will make it legal. Brothers and sisters... are we ready?
(A great cheer erupts from the audience.)
EXT. ZOO - DAY
(Shadow, Croooooow, Jay and Dusty are walking by a cage of lions.)
Dusty: So tell me, Jim... are any of these animals flammable?
Croooooow: Well... yeah. I'd imagine.
Jay: So what's this class you're taking for? I thought you graduated college a year ago.
Croooooow: It's a plot device, Jay. Get with it.
INT. REPTILE HOUSE - DAY
(Nykk, Cheesecake and Huh are staring through a glass window at a huge boa constrictor, which seems to be asleep.)
Huh: Why won't it move?
Nykk: I think it's asleep.
(Cheesecake taps on the window.)
Cheesecake: Hello, Mister Th'exy Th'nake, why don't you come out and wrap your th'trong, powerful coils around me?
Nykk: Don't traumatize the poor thing.
Huh: He's boring. Let's go over here.
Cheesecake: Okay.
(They walk away and Nykk remains, staring at the snake.)
Nykk: Sorry about that. They don't know any better.
(The snake winks at him.)
Nykk: Can you hear me?
(Huh runs up and shoves Nykk aside.)
Huh: Look at what this snake is doing!
(Nykk glares at him and suddenly a brick smashes through the window, sending Huh into the water below.)
Nykk: Did I just...
(The snake slithers out of the habitat and stops in front of Nykk.)
Snake: Thanksssss.
Nykk: Anytime.
(The snake slithers away, and people dive out of its way screaming. It goes outside, but suddenly an elephant stamps by and squishes it.)
Nykk: What the...
EXT. ZOO - DAY
(Nykk walks outside and sees a group of people running from a stampede of giraffes. Croooooow, Dusty, Jay and Shadow run up to him.)
Shadow: Nykk, what's going on?
Nykk: I talked to a snake and used magical powers to set the animals loose!
Croooooow: Somehow I doubt that.
(A man suddenly runs up to the lions' cage with a key and opens the doors. He runs away and the lions bound through the doors to stand right in front of the PPV Squad. They back away as the lions snarl.)
Jay: I'm open to suggestions right now, guys...
(Huh comes out of the reptile house, carrying a large side of beef.)
Huh: Hey guys, look! I found some meat!
Croooooow: Huh! Don't... move.
(The lions see the meat and turn their attention to Huh.)
Huh: H... aaaaaah!
(He runs away and the lions go tearing after him.)
Nykk: Who could be behind this?
Shadow: I'm pretty sure I could guess.
(A helicopter suddenly lowers from the sky and the Squad looks up expectantly. However, Karen Hunt comes running around the corner, exhausted.)
Karen: Sorry I'm late. I took the highway, but someone collapsed the overpass.
Croooooow: Karen Hunt! What kind of villainy are you up to now?
Karen: (laughs maniacally) My hands will be thought of as clean on this one. Without a trace, I have successfully pinned this on someone else. It's CRAP!
Jay: (looks at Nykk) Hey, I know he's not that great-looking, but that's no reason to...
Karen: Citizens Relishing Animal Protection, you moron. While the law enforcement officials are busy trying to round up the animals, this town will be ripe for my conquest!
Shadow: You know, there are other towns in the state you could take over…
Karen: Never leave a live enemy behind you, I always say. And now, Defenders of Bellbrookville, prepare to face my wrath!
(The helicopter swings low and she jumps inside. The helicopter takes off again and the PPV Squad waits.)
Dusty: She calls that wrath? I once laid waste to the entire post office with a book of matches and a can of ether, and that was more 'wrath' than this!
Nykk: Only she has the key to restoring the animals to the zoo. To the van! We must follow her.
Croooooow: What, you think if we catch her all the animals will magically be back in their cages?
(Nykk picks up a broom and gets on it.)
Croooooow: You're not Harry Potter!
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
(The Squad's van, still smoking, is speeding down the highway.)
Nykk: She's veering off.
Shadow: Take this next exit.
(They get off at the next exit.)
EXT. FOREST - DAY
(A lone cottage sits in the middle of the forest and Karen's helicopter lands behind it. The van pulls up moments later and Nykk, Croooooow, Shadow and Dusty get out.)
Shadow: Why are you here, Dusty? You don't have to protect Bellbrookville.
Dusty: She ruined my trip to the zoo. I wanted to see the monkeys.
(Karen comes out of the cottage.)
Karen: What, you people are following me home? What the hell?
Croooooow: What's the deal with you making all those threats and then leaving? If we don't have some kind of climax the story won't go anywhere.
Nykk: Oh, I'm sure you and I could have a very nice climax together, Karen...
Karen: (points to Shadow and Croooooow) Not with her face and his...
Croooooow: Hey!
Dusty: Anyway, now we must prepare for the battle scene!
(He jumps in front of Shadow and Croooooow.)
Karen: Why are you with them? Why don't you join my organization and leave your friends? It's got a nice benefits package.
Dusty: Sorry, I only use my evil for the power of good.
(He starts to build up his chi.)
Dusty: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!
(This goes on for several more camera angles over the next twenty seconds.)
Nykk: Is he ever going to be done?
Karen: Nonetheless, since you insist on a fight, a fight you shall receive!
(She rips off a sheet to reveal a huge weapon. It has twin gatling guns, a missile port and a laser cannon on the bottom. Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow gasp.)
Shadow: Wh... what is that thing!?
Karen: It's the latest in weapons technology. Behold the URDED 3000, with twin gatling guns that fire eight thousand rounds per second, guided laser beacon and missile launcher, also with a built in entertainment system.
(She flips a switch and a TV on the side turns on, showing a football game.)
Karen: As you can see, you have no chance. (eyes narrow and voice deepens) I got it at Sears.
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow's eyes widen as Karen turns a knob from 'Obliterate' to 'Big Crater in the Ground.' She flips the switch to fire and the machine starts up only to putter out and start smoking. Karen walks around it and looks on the side to see a big 'Made in USA' label.)
Karen: Hmph. Figures.
Dusty: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!
(He releases a bolt of energy that decimates Karen's house and throws them all about a hundred yards.)
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow sit on the front porch.)
Nykk: Well, another day on the job means another day the town's safety is assured.
Shadow: We actually didn't do that much except almost get killed.
Croooooow: Ah, let him have his moment. Self-elation is the only means an Ohioan can gain any self-esteem these days.
(The Squad's van pulls up and Dusty, Cheesecake and Jay get out with bags of groceries.)
Croooooow: You sure that's safe with Huh lurking about?
Jay: We took care of that.
Nykk: How did you guys manage to get all the animals back in their cages anyway?
Cheesecake: Two birds with one th'tone.
EXT. ZOO - DAY
(In a giant cage, Huh is tied to a rope swinging back and forth from the ceiling. He's covered with Tabasco sauce and screaming as all the carnivorous animals leap into the air trying to get to him.)
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
Jay: Like we said, it's taken care of.
(He goes into the house as two suitcases slam onto the ground beside Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow. They look up to see Karen standing there.)
Croooooow: What do you think you're doing?
Karen: Thanks to you, I have nowhere to live, so I'm moving in.
(Croooooow gets to his feet.)
Croooooow: What!? You can't just...
(He gets shoved aside by Nykk.)
Nykk: Why of course you can stay here! As a matter of fact, why don't you stay in my room? We can be roommates. We can share the same bed, shower, shirts, underwear...
(Karen snorts in disgust and steps aside, beckoning Dusty. Dusty stands in front of Nykk. As Nykk stops talking and looks at him in confusion, Dusty gathers his chi.)
Dusty: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The End
Nykk's Voice: Next week on Adventures in Bellbrookville...
(Dusty is still gathering chi.)
Dusty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!