EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Jay is pacing back and forth in the front yard. Nykk, Shadow, Croooooow, Cheesecake, Karen and Dusty are all sitting in a row in front of him.)
Jay: Okay... we have a problem. Though most of us have gotten jobs now, the bills still aren't getting paid. Someone here doesn't have a job, and that's holding all of us back. I know that Croooooow, Nykk and Shadow protect the city, Karen destroys the city, Dusty works for the fire department, I work for Nitwit's Bar and Grill and Cheesecake... what do you do exactly?
Cheesecake: I am a paragon, a savior for the flowers of the world. Through my work do I preserve and give life, as I plant my seed all over this town.
(Jay stares at him in horror.)
Nykk: He's a gardener, Jay!
Jay: Oh. Well, that only leaves Huh. (looks around) God, where is that chunky bastard anyway?
(All of a sudden, a garbage truck screeches to a halt at the edge of the driveway, knocking over the mailbox. Huh gets out and starts chucking garbage bags onto the lawn.)
Huh: Garbage! I got garbage! Get your garbage here!
(The PPV Squad stares at him in stunned silence.)
Dusty: What the HELL are you doing?
Huh: They made me a garbage man!
Shadow: That still begs the question... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Huh: Huh?
Croooooow: Huh, a garbage man COLLECTS garbage.
(Huh stares at him.)
Huh: You're kidding!
(Shadow shakes her head.)
Huh: Oh. Well... have a nice day then... everyone.
(He tips his hat to them and gets in the garbage truck, leaving the garbage bags on the front lawn. The garbage truck speeds away.)
Karen: Well, that takes care of that. Can we go now?
Nykk: Certainly. Where do you want me to go with you?
Karen: (thinks) I have an idea. Nykk, come over here please.
(She steps onto the front porch and Nykk stands beside her.)
Karen: Now step over onto the lawn.
(Nykk does so.)
Karen: See?
Nykk: Don't follow.
Karen: This is my space. You just stepped off of my space. Step off. Get it?
Nykk: That's not a very good pick up line...
(Karen sighs and pulls out a needle. She sticks it in Nykk's arm and injects him.)
Karen: Just go to sleep.
(Nykk just stands there.)
Nykk: Hey, you just injected me with maple syrup!
Jay: Well, since Huh's little escapade has once again proven him to be a bigger idiot than even I thought, it inadvertently solves our problem. Now, let's concentrate on cleaning up. Dusty's grandmother may stop by to visit today.
(Dusty's radio comes on, notifying him that there's a fire somewhere.)
Dusty: Fire!
(The PPV Squad dives out of the way instinctively.)
Dusty: Firefighter power!
(He starts to transform in a parody of the Sailor Moon transformation sequence, except he acquires firefighting clothes and equipment. He hops in his car and drives away.)
Croooooow: Whew.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(Karen is sitting at a table, surrounded by some mysterious looking men. As she's talking, Cheesecake walks into the darkened kitchen and opens the fridge.)
Karen: The day of our conquest is at hand. This town shall fall to our forces. I have seen the way these citizens live, and they are weak. If any time is correct for striking, it is now. I've made these blue prints to demonstrate just how we are going to proceed.
(She unfolds the blueprints and lays them out on the table as Cheesecake gets a soda can and pops the top. He comes over and peers over Karen's shoulder, taking a sip of soda as if this were the most casual thing in the world.)
Karen: As you can see, we cannot fail in this objective.
Cheesecake: It'll never work.
Karen: What?
Cheesecake: It'll never work.
Karen: What are you talking about? This is a foolproof plan. I went through every possible contingency myself.
Cheesecake: (points to a random section) But you left yourself open here. If you multiply the psychology factor by the number of people in town, address the lack of overall windows of compensation and carry the one, you're finished.
Karen: My God, you're right. What would you suggest?
Cheesecake: The use of music.
Karen: Music?
Cheesecake: Yeah, music th'oo'th'e'th the th'avage bea'th't.
Karen: What's wrong with your voice?
Cheesecake: I mean, music soothes the savage beast. Observe.
(He walks over to a boombox and hits play. A random Boy George song starts playing at maximum volume. Karen and the shadowy figures cover their ears.)
Cheesecake: See? If this doesn't make the town as docile as a fluffy little lamb, I don't know what will!
(Nykk wanders in holding his ears and shuts off the boombox.)
Nykk: Geez, Cheesecake, what the hell are you doing?
Cheesecake: I was just making some suggestions…
Nykk: Yeah, yeah, I know what kind of suggestions you make. Turn it down next time. That was loud enough to wake the dead.
Cheesecake: I know, I know. Sorry, I...
(He trails off as he follows Nykk out of the room. Karen gets a steely glint in her eye.)
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
(In the hospital, a couple of firefighters come out of the burn ward, looking like they're about to be sick. Dusty soon follows them out.)
Dusty: Ah, you bunch of pansies. I burned myself worse the time I had that cookout!
Firefighter: That wasn't a cookout. You just blew up a gas truck. You killed thirty people!
Dusty: (defensively) That gas truck crashed on MY lawn!
(He walks off arguing with his comrades, leaving the door to the burn ward open.)
INT. BURN WARD - DAY
(Inside the burn ward, a man completely wrapped in bandages is hooked up to a life support system. However, his heartrate suddenly stops.)
EXT. SOME FIELD - DAY
(Several semi trucks come to a halt in a field somewhere as some militaristic music plays. Karen and several other official-looking men open the back door of one and wheel out an expensive-looking piece of machinery. Other henchmen do the same, and she directs them to assembling them into what looks like a giant laser. They carefully point it at the moon and some scientists enter coordinates into a keyboard on the side. Finally, they stand back and salute Karen to tell her that it's ready. She nods and they stand back.)
Karen: Fire!
(One of the henchmen throws a switch and the machine starts glowing as it charges and then suddenly fires a rod out of the rear of the machine that probes deep into the ground.)
Karen: Speakers!
(Two men tip over giant speakers so that they are face down.)
Karen: (menacingly) Hit... play.
(A scientist walks over and hits a play button. The Spice Girls song "Wannabe" hits and plays very loud, sending huge vibrations into the ground through the metal rod. Karen holds her ears and gazes across the street toward the cemetery.)
EXT. CEMETARY - DAY
(At a random gravestone, a skeletal hand shoots up out of the dirt and flexes. After several more moments, more hands shoot up out of nearby gravesites.)
INT. HOSPITAL, MORGUE - DAY
(As the music vibrations are being felt, a body covered by a sheet sits up. It falls away to reveal the bandaged man from the burn ward, looking like a mummy.)
INT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Jay, Shadow and Croooooow are loafing around in the living room.)
Jay: Did you hear that just now?
Shadow: Yeah. (looks at Croooooow) Should we check it out?
Croooooow: Meh.
Jay: (sniffs) Okay, who let one?
Croooooow: (sniffs) Huh...
(They get up and walk to Huh's room.)
EXT. HALLWAY - DAY
(Shadow, Jay and Croooooow pound on the door to Huh's room.)
Huh: Huh?
(Huh opens the door.)
Jay: All right, fatboy, spill it.
Huh: What?
Shadow: What is that awful smell?
Huh: I don't know what you're talking about...
(He rolls his eyes backwards; saying as much that whatever is making the stink is in his room.)
Croooooow: One side.
(He shoves Huh aside and goes in.)
Croooooow: (holds his nose) Oh, man!
(Jay and Shadow look in and hold their noses in disgust.)
INT. HUH'S ROOM - DAY
(Mounds of trash bags and piles of garbage are everywhere, taking up almost all the space in Huh's room.)
Jay: What the hell are you thinking!?
Huh: What?
Shadow: It reeks!
Huh: I know.
Croooooow: What possibly could have possessed you to do this?
Huh: You told me to.
(Jay and Shadow glare at Croooooow.)
Croooooow: Hey, I didn't...
Huh: Yeah you did. You said that a garbage man is supposed to collect garbage. Well, my collection isn't very big yet, but next week will be a big payload.
Croooooow: Are you dumb? I didn't say that... well, maybe I did, but what I meant was that a garbage man picks up people's garbage and takes it to the county dump.
Huh: Yeah, I thought about going there but decided not to. It kind of stunk.
(Nykk suddenly appears in the threshold.)
Nykk: You guys! We've got trouble!
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(Nykk leads them into the kitchen, where a big radar is standing in the middle of the room. Many blips are moving across the screen.)
Croooooow: Where did you find this thing?
Nykk: It was in Dusty's room. S
hadow: What are those blips?
Nykk: This is only speculation... but I believe it is a force of undead souls woken up by those vibrations earlier.
Jay: How could you know that? Did you develop psychic powers like your uncle?
Nykk: Nah, just advancing the plot.
Shadow: Well, whatever they are, they're heading straight for us.
Jay: Why us?
Nykk: Well, think about it. If you're a force of zombies, you're going to want to free all the undead you can, right?
Jay: I guess... I've never really had time to analyze the mind of a zombie.
Nykk: Well, you're going to assume that the biggest stench in town is going to draw them. So...
(They all look at Huh.)
Huh: Oh, sure. Blame the garbage man. Just because we peed in a few trash cans doesn't mean that we're a bunch of disgusting slobs!
Jay: Never mind that. This calls for mobilization. Jim... sound the alarm!
Croooooow: Uh... we don't have an alarm.
Jay: We have a huge fucking radar, don't we? There has to be an alarm somewhere.
Shadow: How about this?
(She stomps on Huh's foot as hard as she can, and he lets out a long bellow that sounds like an alarm.)
INT. CHEESECAKE'S ROOM - DAY
(Cheesecake is sitting on a bean bag chair reading an issue of Playgirl. Upon hearing the alarm, he jumps up and races out the door.)
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Nykk: (to Shadow) Hey, you're finally learning.
(Cheesecake opens the basement door as Dusty crashes through the window.)
Dusty: I heard the emergency bellow. What's happening and can I shoot it?
Jay: We've got zombies heading this way.
Dusty: (laughs evilly) It's time to break in some guns.
INT. DUSTY'S ROOM - DAY
(Dusty takes a few 12 gauge rifles down from his gun rack and throws them to Croooooow, Nykk and Jay.)
Shadow: What about the rest of us?
Dusty and Jay: Don't worry, we've got more.
(Dusty opens a chest, which is filled with various weapons. He throws 12 gauges to Shadow, Cheesecake and Huh. At last, he takes out a flame-thrower and straps it on.)
Dusty: All right. Let's mosey.
EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY
(A menacing shadow creeps up to the door and claws at it. All of a sudden, Nykk opens the door and a dry husk of an old woman hisses at him. Nykk opens fire.)
Nykk: Die, spawn of Satan!
Dusty: Nykk! That wasn't a zombie, that was my grandmother!
Nykk: Oh. Sorry.
Dusty: (sighs) I haven't even loaded your weapon yet. Get inside.
(He drags him inside and closes the door.)
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY
(A small army of zombies reaches the front lawn and slowly makes headway toward the house.)
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
(The PPV Squad is huddled under the front window with their weapons ready.)
Dusty: You guys ready?
(They all nod.)
Huh: Remember, don't let them bite your neck or you'll turn into a zombie too!
(They all stare at him in disbelief.)
Dusty: Give me your gun.
(He snatches it from Huh's fingers.)
Huh: Aw...
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY
(The zombies are still moving toward the house, but suddenly the PPV Squad stands up and fires through the front window. Various zombie parts are blown off, including heads, legs and arms. Still the zombies keep coming, in some cases, crawling toward the house.)
Nykk: Hey, that was awesome. Thanks, Dusty!
Dusty: Don't thank me. Thank the second Amendment.
(They open fire again, but the zombies still keep coming.)
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Dusty: Okay... this is where I make my final stand.
Croooooow: No, Dusty! It's too dangerous!
Dusty: Jim... there comes a time in every man's life where he has to make a stand. I must make mine now so that others might live. It's my duty as a firefighter and firestarter. I must now take my bearings... to boldly go where no man has gone before!
Nykk: (on the verge of tears) No one splits an infinitive like you, Dusty...
EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY
(Dusty leaps into the fray of zombies.)
Dusty: Flight attendant!
(He shoots flames at will, engulfing a large number of zombies. A skeleton wielding a sword and shield gives a battle cry and jumps behind Dusty, but he turns around and kicks it, reducing it to a pile of bones. A few meters away, a lone hand tries to crawl to safety.)
Dusty: Oh no you don't!
(He runs over and stomps viciously on the hand a few times. He leaps away with another war cry and the hand weakly gives him the finger before collapsing entirely. Another group of zombies comes down the street, but Dusty pulls out a Molotov cocktail and heaves it at them, blowing them up. He looks around at the piles of charred bodies.)
Dusty: I... did it. I've... saved the day.
(However, some hulking shadows loom up behind Dusty. He turns around and comes face to face with a force of burn ward victims.)
Dusty: Oh... no.
(He opens fire, but the flame-thrower doesn't appear to have any effect on the burn ward victims.)
Dusty: How do I burn something that's already been burnt to a crisp? Is this the end?
(Nykk and Croooooow come out and step in front of Dusty, firing at the burn ward victims. Still they keep coming. Just as it looks hopeless, a cascade of water comes down right on top of them all. The burn ward victims melt until they're no more than piles of ash and bandage. They look up to see Huh dangling from the gutter.)
Dusty: What just happened?
Nykk: I think we've just witnessed the Law of Opposites at work.
Croooooow: Good thinking, Huh.
Huh: What? Sorry, guys. I was going to jump down and tackle them, but I tripped.
Nykk: Well, whatever. I think that's the last of them.
(The ground suddenly shakes.)
Croooooow: I knew that was too anticlimactic.
(Many ghosts suddenly rise out of the bodies of the zombies and start to circle the house as "Night at Bald Mountain" hits. The ground shakes again and a huge demon busts its way out of the ground to stand over the house with his arms folded. All the ghosts of the zombies start gravitating toward it as the sun sets.)
Nykk: Oh, great. We just made them undeader.
Dusty: Master!
(The rest of the PPV Squad comes out of the house to stare up in horror.)
Cheesecake: This guy a friend of yours, Dusty?
Dusty: No! Well... yeah.
Shadow: What does he want from us?
Dusty: He just wants to stand there and have all the dead soul gravitate to him until the creepy music ends. He should go away after that.
Jay: Well, we can't stand for that. Attack!
Croooooow: With what? As much as I hate to say it, I don't think Dusty was prepared for this.
Dusty: Well, yeah. I mean, a fucking demon rises up out of the ground and turns all the zombies into ghosts? It's so illogical.
EXT. THE GREAT BLUE YONDER - EVENING
(A plane flies toward the demon and in the cockpit is Karen.)
Karen: It wasn't supposed to go this far... I only wanted to take over the town. What have I unleashed?
(She fires her machine guns at the demon, but he just shrugs off the bullets and bats her plane out of the air. She ejects, but before her parachute can deploy, the demon catches her in his fist. He gets up and starts walking away.)
Croooooow: Where's he going now?
Dusty: I don't understand. This has never happened before.
Nykk: He took'a my woman! We have to go after him!
Shadow: Yeah, if she dies, our jobs are toast!
(Suddenly, Huh pulls up in the garbage truck.)
Huh: Everyone get in!
Shadow: Eww! No!
(Nykk and Croooooow take her by the arms and force her in the back as the rest of the Squad piles in. They take off after the demon.)
EXT. CITY HALL - NIGHT
(The demon wanders through town as helicopters open fire on it. It pauses at city hall and starts to climb the building. The garbage truck pulls up.)
Nykk: Oh no! We'll never catch him now!
Croooooow: The building's only two stories high!
INT. CITY HALL, LOBBY - NIGHT
(The PPV Squad gets in the elevator and presses up. Five seconds later, the elevator opens at the top floor. They take a staircase to the roof.)
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
(The demon hangs off of a huge antenna that has no reason to be there. He still grips Karen in one hand and fights off helicopters with the other.)
Jay: Any bright ideas?
Nykk: No, but I'm pretty sure I could come up with a few not-so-bright ones.
Croooooow: He's got to have a weak point somewhere. If he doesn't, it goes against the logic of very video game we've ever played.
Cheesecake: I bet it's the eyes.
Jay: We can't reach the eyes. We'll just have to attack his feet.
Croooooow: Where's the logic behind that?
Nykk: We're the PPV Squad! Logic be damned!
All: Flight attendant!
(They run at the demon with a battle cry. Shadow and Croooooow dropkick the demon's foot, Dusty and Jay ram it with their shoulders and Nykk tries to pry his toes off the roof, but to no avail.)
Croooooow: (breathless) It's hopeless!
Huh: Oh yeah?
(They look toward Huh, who is now wearing his long, black jacket. Some Matrixy music hits and Huh runs toward the demon in slow motion. He runs up the side of a shack and flips in mid air. He gives the demon's foot a Matrix kick. His foot finally dislodges and with a huge "Aru?" he falls and hits his head on the roof of the building, throwing Karen into the air.)
Nykk: (watches her freefall) Oh no!
(However, just before she hits the ground her parachute finally deploys and she glides down safely. Nykk moves to embrace her as she reaches the roof, but she merely floors him with a punch.)
Shadow: I hope you learned a lesson from all this.
Karen: Yes. When deploying a troop of the undead, make sure that Huh is as far away from the town as possible. And always carry a boom stick.
(Dusty and Jay peer down at the demon, who is sprawled across the street unconscious, with small children playing on top of him. Joggers run up and down the demon's arms.)
Jay: Now that's what I call exercising the demon.
EXT. THE HOUSE - MORNING
(As day breaks, an alarm clock goes off. Jay can be heard snoring, and shouts of "Fire!" can be heard from Dusty as he gets in his Monte Carlo and speeds away. A garbage truck pulls up and Huh dumps more trash bags onto the lawn.)
Croooooow: Yep. It's a new day.
The End