INT. NITWIT'S BAR AND GRILL - NIGHT
(It's a busy night at the bar, and Nykk, Shadow, Croooooow, Dusty, Huh and Cheesecake are all sitting around a table. Huh is perusing a menu.)
Huh: I think I'll have... a Nitburger.
(He leans back toward the window that leads from the kitchen to the restaurant. Jay can be seen cooking.)
Huh: Jay, I want a Nitburger!
Jay: You have to wait for the waitress to take your order.
Huh: But you're right here.
Jay: I said wait for the waitress. I can't make food without an order slip.
Huh: Why not?
Jay: It just isn't done. Now shut up and let me work.
Nykk: Best to just leave it be. You know how this place makes Jay.
(A cascade of flame shoots up from the kitchen, followed by Jay's muffled cursing.)
Huh: Why couldn't we just go to Burger Place? You know I hate waiting for my food.
(A large man walks up to the table in an apron.)
Keith: Hi, I'm Keith and I'll be taking your order tonight.
Huh: Keith? You're our waitress?
Keith: (giggles girlishly) Well, I have lost a few pounds, but I'd hardly say I'm weightless.
Nykk and Croooooow: NOOOO!
Keith: That's all right. No need to shout. I know you know I was kidding. What'll it be?
Huh: I'll have a Nitburger.
Keith: Anything on that?
Huh: Yeah. Cheese, tomato, lettuce, five strips of bacon, onions, ketchup, mustard, uh… pickles, relish, guacamole, nutmeg, prunes, and do you have any of those little slices of summer sausage?
Keith: Sorry, if you want a massage you'll have to go to the other side of town.
Huh: Oh. Okay.
(He gets up and leaves. Croooooow has the menu over his head.)
Croooooow: Kill me.
(Dusty pulls out a large knife.)
Croooooow: It's a figure of speech, Dusty.
Dusty: (disappointed) Oh.
(He puts the knife away somberly.)
Keith: (to Dusty) What would you like, sir?
Dusty: I'll have a hamburger, plain. (eyes narrow) Well done.
Keith: Why, thank you sir, I do try to do the best job possible.
Shadow: I'll have...
(Keith walks away, happy at the compliment he was given.)
Shadow: Ah, bolshoi.
(She pounds on the table, causing the complimentary bowl of crackers to fly off the table. Meanwhile, on the other side of the bar, some men are having a game of darts.)
Barfly 1: This is it. I sink this dead center and I win the jackpot.
Barfly 2: Yeah, everything is riding on this one throw.
Barfly 3: Don't count your chickens. If your throw is off by the slightest, we win!
(Just as Barfly 1 throws his dart, he gets nailed in the back of the head by a basket of crackers, causing his dart to miss the center. Back at their seat, Nykk and Croooooow look on.)
Nykk: There was quite a bit of hang time on that flying basket.
(Barfly 1 and 2 stand over the Squad's table.)
Barfly 1: Hey, what's the big idea?
Barfly 2: Yeah, you just cost us the game. Now we's gonna cost you's a trip to the hospital.
(The Squad all look at each other quizzically. Nykk shrugs.)
Barfly 1: That's it!
(He punches downward. The Squad members all leap backward as the table shatters into a thousand pieces. Nykk backs into a couple of other patrons, spilling their drinks. A burly man turns in anger and swings at Nykk. Nykk ducks, the man nails a man walking with a round of drinks. A general brawl breaks out in the bar.)
Croooooow: I think it's about time we made our exit.
(He ducks just as a chair sails over his head and crashes through a window. On the other side of the room, Spider-man suddenly leaps onto the bar. He shoots his webs out the window and sticks to a building across the street. However, as he swings to safety, Shadow takes him out with a kick. She grabs the web strand in mid swing and swings out the window to safety. Meanwhile, Cheesecake and Jay try to sneak out of the bar by rolling a cart full of beer in front of them.)
Barfly 3: Hey! The booze is getting away! After it!
(Jay and Cheesecake scream and dive out of the way as about ten huge men tackle the cart in a big pile-up.)
EXT. DIMWIT'S BAR AND GRILL - NIGHT
(About ten squad cars have surrounded the building as the patrons file out the door and mill about in the parking lot. A big, dumb-looking officer walks up to the crowd.)
Officer George: Okay, people, I want to know who started this melee of a brawl. If I don't get some answers, I'm carting people off to the station where you WILL be cornholed.
(The patrons all start pointing accusing fingers at each other and yelling inaudibly. Officer George looks confused and then spies Dusty looking on.)
Officer George: You! You're wearing all black. You must be a troublemaker. You're under arrest!
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
(Dusty stands at the defendants' seat while the judge reads a piece of paper.)
Judge: Unbelievable! Your record shows that you've started more fires than anyone I've ever tried! This list is enormous. Property damage, arson, reckless endangerment, involuntary manslaughter, unpaid parking tickets... it just goes on like this. You somehow managed to destroy six parking lots? Why hasn't this man been brought to justice before!?
(Officer George stands up in the audience.)
Officer George: Your honor, I just want to say that we have caught him at the scene of the crime before, but we've never been able to apprehend him.
Judge: And why not?
Officer George: Well, every time we tried to arrest him, he just got in his car and drove away.
Judge: I see. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Dusty Schneble, I hereby sentence you to forty-five years in prison!
(He bangs his gavel, and the audience gets up to leave. The Squad still sits in the first row, and casts worried glances at one another and Dusty.)
INT. LABORATORY – DAY
(Karen Hunt walks up to a scientist and shakes his hand.)
Karen: Dr. Krakpot, I must say that I was very intrigued by your call. You say that you have new authorization from HQ?
Krakpot: Yes, Ms. Hunt. My orders were to ready one of my experiments and to begin Project Sugardaddy. I thought that you might like to oversee this yourself.
Karen: Absolutely.
(Dr. Krakpot pulls a sheet off of a cyborg that looks exactly like a human male.)
Karen: Amazing.
Krakpot: This cyborg is a non-stop killing machine, and soon we will have an entire army just like him, pending the budget holds. He's impervious to almost anything; punches, kicks, stab wounds, bullets, bombs, nuclear arsenal.
Karen: Almost impervious?
Krakpot: Well, he does have one fatal flaw, but with the right resources I can fix that. He's built to hone in on the one place that one can find this resource. Anything in his way, he will destroy.
(He laughs maniacally. Karen nods.)
Karen: What's so funny?
Krakpot: Never mind that. All we need is a place of origin to program into him.
(Karen chuckles.)
Karen: I think I know just the place...
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow are on the front porch, playing jacks.)
Nykk: Man, I can't believe they locked up Dusty.
Croooooow: Yeah. He was only thirty years away from the statute of limitations expiring on all his old crimes.
Shadow: Why are we playing a little girl's game?
Nykk: We just needed some action for the establishing shot.
(Suddenly, the door busts out and gets flung halfway across the yard. Karen and the cyborg step out onto the porch.)
Karen: Hello, peons.
Nykk: Karen, my love!
Shadow: Hey.
Croooooow: What up, yo?
Karen: (sweetly) I just thought you'd like to meet a very good friend of mine. His name's... Bob Johnson.
(The cyborg turns toward them, emotionless. Nykk gets up angrily.)
Nykk: So, you think you can hone in on my woman, do you? (jabs a finger at Bob's chest) I'll have you know...
(Bob grabs Nykk's finger and bends it backward. Nykk goes down with a cry of pain and Croooooow and Shadow get to their feet.)
Croooooow: What the...
(Bob extends his other arm and punches Croooooow in the face, sending him crashing through a window.)
Shadow: Flight attendant!
(She jumps on Bob's back, but Bob merely grabs her by the back of the shirt and throws her into Nykk. He then stomps off down the driveway.)
Karen: I'd advise you not to interfere in this plan of mine. Bob can take anything you throw at him. Ta.
(She leaves Nykk, Shadow and Croooooow in a semi-conscious pile.)
EXT. PRISON - DAY
(Cheesecake and Jay stand in front of the gates.)
Cheesecake: Here it is, the Big House, the Clink, the Slammer... hey, you know, in the context of a prison, that last one sounds kind of...
Jay: Will you shut up? We're here to break Dusty out. Now how are we going to get inside?
EXT. PRISON YARD - DAY
(Two prisoners walk by a brick wall.)
Jay's Voice: Psst... I've got drugs!
(The two prisoners look at each other and mutter happily. They disappear behind the wall. Scuffling is heard.)
EXT. FIELD - DAY
(Jay and Cheesecake, who are dressed in prison garb, throw rocks at the two prisoners, who have been stripped to their boxers.)
Jay: Get out of here!
Cheesecake: And don't come back!
(The prisoners high five each other happily and run away.)
INT. PRISON - EVENING
(Jay and Cheesecake stop in front of a cell.)
Jay: This is it, right here.
INT. CELL - EVENING
(Jay and Cheesecake walk into the cell. Dusty is sitting on the bed reading the Count of Monte Crisco.)
Jay: Dusty! (in shock) You're reading a book!?
Dusty: (in a sophisticated voice) Yes. In the outside world, I was always much too busy for such indulgences, but I found that once I was incarcerated I discovered that I was actually a bookworm.
Cheesecake: What'th with your voi'th?
Dusty: I've gleaned much from my leather bound friends here, including how to speak properly. Away with you now, or you'll disrupt my concentration.
Jay: Never mind that. Come on! We're breaking you out of here, and the longer we stay the worse predicament we'll be in.
Dusty: Jay, why would I want to leave? This place has given me the opportunity to exercise my inner thoughts like never before on the outside. Have you ever just sat on the grass and stared at the clouds for hours on end? It's an exhilarating feeling. Also, do not end your sentences with a preposition. What would the queen mother think if she were here?
Warden: All right, you scumbags! Lights out!
(Cheesecake taps Jay and they try to leave, but are shoved back inside by a guard.)
Guard: Back in your cell.
Cheesecake: But we're not really prisoners here.
Jay: Yeah, we just beat up two prisoners and stole their clothes.
Guard: Yeah, that's what they all say.
(He slams the door and locks it. A few seconds later, the lights go out and Dusty puts aside his book. He gets under his blanket and turns to the side as Jay and Cheesecake stare blankly through the bars. A lone prisoner's voice rings loud throughout the prison, causing Jay and Cheesecake to start violently.)
Prisoner's Voice: Fire! Fire! Fire! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Dusty: Pay no mind to that man. He's crazy.
EXT. BELLBROOKVILLE STREET – DAY
(Some stomping noises are heard and Bob Johnson comes into view. He marches in a straight line, paying no attention to whatever gets in his way. A car is in his path, but he just steps right over it, leaving holes in the body from his weight.)
EXT. ROOF OF BUILDING - DAY
(Nykk looks through binoculars at Bob Johnson.)
Shadow: Where is he going?
Croooooow: I don't know, but it's up to us to stop him.
(Down on the street, some national guard troops fire on Bob with machine guns, but the bullets just bounce off.)
Croooooow: That's it. We're going to have to use our full arsenal on this guy.
(There's an uncomfortable silence as they look around for a weapon. Finally, Nykk heaves the binoculars down at Bob. They land beside Bob, and he stops in his tracks. He looks up at the three, scanning him with his robotic vision. He holds up his thumb and forefinger and points it at them.)
Bob: Bang.
(A tiny missile fires from the tip of his finger. It cascades up to the building and blows apart a good portion of it. Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow cover their heads from the flying debris as Bob continues his march.)
BLACK SCREEN
(A black man with dreadlocks is sitting in a wheelchair and staring at the camera.)
Pseudo-Augustus: Human nature is a funny thing. When we're on the outside, we're rushed, almost to the point where we can't think about something before being bombarded with more things to do. It is only when we are stopped entirely that we truly start to think about who we are and what makes us tick. It is only then that perhaps for the first time we are able to express our true personas. Life isn't fair. It's just necessary to reach death.
INT. PRISON, CAFETERIA - DAY
(Dusty, Jay and Cheesecake sit at a table eating prison food.)
Jay: So you're telling me that we get three square meals a day that we don't even have to prepare ourselves!?
Dusty: That is correct. There is also time made for exercise, laundry and hygiene. You have to do little to no thinking at all, if that is what you wish.
Jay: (to Cheesecake) I'm starting to like this place.
(He frowns as some skinheads walk up and tower over Cheesecake.)
Skinhead: Hey you... new guy. You look like you could be one of us. As a matter of fact, if you aren't one of us then we'll send you straight to hell! So are you in or out?
Cheesecake: That is th'uch a cool th'wa'th'tika you have tattooed on your chest!
Skinhead: Uh...
(Cheesecake gets up and puts an arm around two of the men and leads them away.)
Cheesecake: I'll be back, guys. I'm going to go sit with my new friends!
(The skinheads look like they're having second thoughts.)
(A loud bell rings.)
Guard: All right, scumbags, the showers are now open for the day!
Cheesecake: Ooh, time to come clean!
(He runs daintily into the showers, causing several inmates three times his size to panic and quickly exit the shower, only wearing towels around their waists.)
Prisoner 1: It's him again!
Prisoner 2: Run for it!
Prisoner 3: He brought his own soap!
(Jay looks away from the commotion and back at Dusty, who is feverishly writing complicated math equations on a piece of paper.)
Jay: What are you doing?
Dusty: Oh... just a trifle thing, really. Something I've been toying with now that I have all this time for inner thought. It's merely a way to pass the time between bites of rock hard beans.
Jay: Oh. Want me to throw your trash away for you?
Dusty: (hands him his tray) Yes, thank you.
(Jay takes their trays and walks away. Dusty stares after him and then quickly turns his paper over, looking around frantically.)
EXT. PRISON - DAY
(Bob Johnson continues his march, heading right for the prison.)
Nykk: What's he going there for?
Croooooow: Who knows?
Karen: I'll tell you!
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow look around, but don't see her anywhere.)
Shadow: Okay... why's he going into the prison?
Karen: Bob Johnson is completely indestructible except for one fatal flaw. He has honed in on a source for the material he needs to make that flaw disappear. Then nothing will stop the Bob Johnson Army from conquering this town!
Croooooow: What could he possibly want that would be in there?
INT. PRISON - DAY
(Dusty is carefully unraveling some wire, leading off to an unknown location. He backs up into Jay.)
Jay: What are you doing now?
Dusty: Must you have that suspicious tone in your voice? I am merely conducting an experiment, that's all.
(Jay doesn't look convinced, and just backs up and walks away. He runs right into another inmate.)
Huh: Sorry.
Jay: Huh!? What are you doing in prison?
Huh: Prison? I thought this was a hotel! I was on my way to break you guys out.
Jay: We don't need breaking out. We like it here. Besides, so many things have changed in the outside world since we've been here that I don't think we could ever adjust to society again.
Huh: Some guy tattooed my butt last night. Want to see?
Jay: No!
(Suddenly, the wall cracks and Bob Johnson breaks through.)
Bob: Oh yeah!
(Several guards fire on him, but the bullets just bounce off. The guards run at him with battle cries, but Bob takes them out one by one, leaving them in a pile as he continues his march.)
Guard: (in pain) Maybe we shouldn't attack him one at a time next time...
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow run in through the hole in the wall.)
Nykk: Dusty! Jay? Huh?
Jay: Hey, guys.
Shadow: Have you three seen a big, robotic looking man who is impervious to pain and makes big holes in walls?
Huh: Nope.
(Jay elbows him in the gut and points down the hall.)
Jay: He went that way.
Croooooow: Okay, so we know he has a fatal flaw.
Shadow: We also know that whatever fixes that fatal flaw is somewhere in this building.
Dusty: I believe what your metallic friend is looking for is duct tape.
Nykk: What? That's stupid.
Jay: No, he's probably right. Duct tape fixes anything. It's all that's holding my car together right now.
Shadow: Why would he be seeking duct tape here? Why not any other store in this town?
Nykk: I'm guessing it has something to do with intertwining plots. What should we do?
Croooooow: I have an idea. Jay, Huh, you get Cheesecake and round up all the prisoners to stage an all out assault against Bob Johnson. Nykk, Shadow, you two and I are going to get our hands on every roll of duct tape in this place and bring it back here. Dusty, you're going to help us melt it down and put it in a bomb.
Dusty: No, I couldn't possibly... those days are behind me now...
(Croooooow shakes him by the shoulders.)
Croooooow: Come on, man. We need you. For great justice.
Dusty: For great justice...
Shadow: Let's go!
(The Squad splits up in different directions, except for Dusty, who remains behind.)
INT. PRISON, CAFETERIA - DAY
(The prisoners are chatting amongst themselves as Jay and Huh rush into the room. Cheesecake walks up to them.)
Cheesecake: Hey, guy'th. Want to play a stimulating game of dominoes?
Jay: No time for that now.
(He gets up on a table.)
Jay: My friends, please listen. We are under attack by an indestructible cyborg. We're going to need all of your cooperation if we're going to stop this thing. We need to form an attack plan.
(The prisoners laugh and one throws his food at Jay. It splatters all over his face, smearing blueberry pie all over.)
Jay: (somberly) Listen... I like to think that in the time I've spent here, I've gotten to know all of you. Unlike the outside world, when I look into your eyes, I see none of the hatred or bigotry that is so common all over the world. I've been rehabilitated along with all of you. It's just like in that song that band wrote. I've come to realize that you aren't so much fellow inmates… as you are brothers. Yes, we have our squabbles now and then, just like any family, and just like any family we come out of it stronger and united. Now forces that we do not understand are moving against us, and if you are scared, I understand. But we have nowhere to run. It is time to fight. Now I ask all of you to gather behind me and face the enemy, for when he is killing us, we will look straight into his eyes and say this. You may take our lives; but you'll never take our FREEDOM!
(The prisoners start to cheer but are brought up short.)
Prisoner 1: Um... wasn't that already taken from us?
(Jay gets down from the table.)
Cheesecake: That was beautiful, Jay.
Jay: You two stay behind me. And don't let any of those vermin touch me.
INT. PRISON, HALLWAY – DAY
(Nykk, Croooooow and Shadow are running, and Croooooow is holding one roll of duct tape.)
Nykk: One roll! I can't believe it... that's all they had in this entire prison!
(Suddenly, Bob Johnson bursts up from underneath the floor.)
Shadow: Don't let him get the duct tape!
(Croooooow throws it out a barred window.)
Bob: Noooooo!
(He sinks to his knees and punches at the floor, making holes in it.)
Bob: I never asked for much... only invulnerability. And you've taken that away from me!
(Several missiles fire out of his shoulder and random things start exploding.)
Croooooow: Let's get out of here!
(They run past Bob, who is sobbing uncontrollably.)
INT. PRISON – DAY
(Dusty is standing by the hole in the wall, as Cheesecake, Jay and Huh run out of the prison.)
Dusty: Hurry, hurry, this way!
(Nykk, Shadow and Croooooow come into view.)
Dusty: Come on, you guys!
(They all exit through the hole and Dusty runs out too briefly before running back in. He pulls out a detonator.)
Dusty: PPV SQUAD DOUBLE SWERVE!
(He hits the detonator, setting off strategically place bombs all over the prison.)
EXT. PRISON - DAY
(The prison goes up in a huge explosion, with Dusty falling across the fiery background.)
Dusty: AHAHAHAHAHA!
(He lands safely on the street with the rest of the Squad.)
Nykk: So that's it... Bob's fatal flaw was nothing mechanical. It was his emotions.
Croooooow: Then how could duct tape fix that?
Nykk: Don't you see? The duct tape was merely a symbol. It's like when the Tin-man visits the Wizard of Oz to ask for a heart... only to find out that he had one all along.
(They stare at him.)
Shadow: You're stupid.
(A Bob Johnson-shaped shadow walks out of the fiery ball of flame.)
Jay: Wh... what's that?
Croooooow: Impossible!
(Bob Johnson comes to a stop in front of them. One eye is gone, replaced by a round, red light.)
Bob: Buff you, assholes!
(His hands turn into two gatling guns and he aims them at the Squad. Nykk, Shadow and Jay whimper frantically, but suddenly Huh walks up behind Bob and hits an OFF switch. Bob's eye goes out and he sags and falls to the ground.)
Nykk: What just happened here?
Karen: I'll tell you what just happened!
(The Squad looks around but can't see her anywhere. The camera focuses on the empty sky until Karen walks in front of it.)
Karen: I was off camera, idiots. You people really are dense.
Shadow: What about Bob?
Karen: That switch was his fatal flaw. He wanted duct tape so that he could cover it up. Now that he's been beaten, funding for this project will be pulled and the Bob Johnson Army will go to the scrap heap!
Nykk: Well then... I guess we're successful once again.
Karen: But not for long. You win this time, but I'll be back!
(She just stands there.)
Croooooow: Um... aren't you going to run away?
Karen: I was here first.
The End