INT. THE HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY
(Dusty and Jay sit over a chessboard, staring into each other's eyes untiringly. The camera switches back and forth between their faces and the chessboard. Finally, we see that Nykk, Croooooow and Huh are watching. Shadow walks in.)
Shadow: You guys want to get a pizza?
Croooooow: Shh... this has been going on for seventy-five hours now.
Nykk: I've never seen a game requiring such mind power.
Shadow: The pieces are still in their starting positions.
(Finally, Dusty's eyes narrow and he moves a pawn forward. Jay's eyes widen and he gets up.)
Jay: Well, that's it.
Shadow: What?
Jay: I see his strategy and I can't possibly win.
(Cheesecake walks into the room.)
Cheesecake: Hey, everyone! Guess who I brought home.
Croooooow: God. Cheesecake, what have we told you about bringing strange men home with you?
Cheesecake: This is no ordinary strange man.
(A tall man in a suit and cowboy hat walks in.)
Ross: Howdy. I'm Ross Hoss, Texas Billionaire.
(He hands Nykk a card that actually reads 'Ross Hoss, Texas Billionaire.')
Ross: You would be this PPV Squad I've heard about, right?
Nykk: Yeah, that would be us.
Ross: I have a proposition for all of you.
Nykk: Whoa now, we're not all like Cheesecake here...
Ross: Har, har, har, that's not what I meant, Ohio Guy! I've got an offer ya can't refuse.
Nykk: Sorry. Don't feel like it.
(The rest of the Squad mutters and goes about their business. Croooooow gets on the computer, Huh and Jay turn on the TV, and Shadow makes a snack.)
Cheesecake: Whoa, guys, hear him out. Tell them what you told me.
(The PPV Squad turns to Ross Hoss out of curiosity.)
Ross: There is $1,000,000 hidden somewhere in this town. I want you seven misfits to go and look for it. The first one who finds it gets to keep it. That's it.
Croooooow: That all sounds good, but what's in it for you?
Ross: (flustered) Why... I don't know what you mean...
(He waves away a cameraman. The cameraman steps into the foyer, but the sound of a gun being cocked is heard. The cameraman comes back in with Dusty pointing a revolver at him.)
Croooooow: You're trying to put us on TV, you bastard!
Ross: Now hold on a minute...
Shadow: Yeah, what is this, some kind of new reality show?
Ross: All right, you got me. I'm the executive producer for Winner's Purse, a new show airing this fall on Fox.
Nykk: Aren't you just stealing this idea from the movie Rat Race and It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World?
(Huh raises his hand.)
Jay: Huh, this isn't high school. You don't have to raise your hand to speak out.
(Huh drops his hand.)
Huh: Can we form teams?
Ross: To answer both yer questions, to differentiate our show I suggested that if anyone teamed up and won, they would be married on the season finale and then the cameras would follow them for the first year to see how everything turned out. But I was shot down. Anyway, what do you say?
(The Squad thinks it over as the Jeopardy music plays.)
Ross: Hey, hey, come on! Time is money, folks! The race is starting... now!
(He pulls out a revolver and shoots at the ceiling, causing some drywall to fall onto his cowboy hat. The Squad just stands there confused.)
Ross: The money's hidden in a golf ball bucket at the driving range. Go!
(The Squad just stands there. The phone rings and Shadow answers it.)
Ross: Do any of you have any concept of how much money $1,000,000 is?
Huh: Actually, if you consider the state of today's market, coupled with inflation of gas prices and the devaluing of the American dollar, $1,000,000 isn't really all that much anymore.
(They all stare at Huh as Shadow hangs up the phone.)
Ross: Okay, now go! Now!
Dusty: Jay, let's go!
Jay: Hold on. Aren't you afraid he's going to make us marry each other if we win?
Dusty: For $1,000,000, I'd sell my soul to the devil... oh, wait...
(He drags Jay out of the house.)
Nykk: All right, Defenders of Bellbrookville, time for a big payday.
(Nykk and Croooooow start to move, but Shadow just stands there looking somber.)
Croooooow: Come on, Shadow.
Shadow: You guys go on ahead. I'm not feeling up to it.
Nykk: What? A million bucks is at stake!
Shadow: (angrily) Didn't you hear me? I said I didn't want to go!
Nykk: Whoa, whatever, dude. What's gotten into you?
Shadow: Must you act like a moron constantly!? I'm sick and tired of your antics. Get out of here and find your money!
Nykk: What the hell? Now look what you've done. You've gotten me so angry that I'm mad for no good reason! So this is how it's going to be then?
Shadow: Looks that way!
Nykk: Fine!
Shadow: Fine!
(She walks out of the room angrily.)
Nykk: Must be that time of month.
(Karen walks in.)
Karen: From the sound of that sexist joke, that could only be Nykk.
Nykk: Karen, my sex kitten! You can find the million bucks with us. Who needs Shadow? We can be the new threesome!
Karen: Million bucks? I suppose I could use a bit of exercise... all right, just this once, I'll team up with you. But I'd appreciate it if you not use the word 'threesome' in the context of a group I'm in with you.
Croooooow: Yeah, me too.
(They walk out and only Huh is still standing there.)
Ross: Er...
Huh: Huh?
Ross: Aren't you going to try and find the million bucks?
(Huh nods.)
Ross: Shouldn't you be out there racing against your friends?
(Huh stares at him blankly.)
Ross: If you're not the first one there, you're gonna...
Huh: Oh, the FIRST one to the money gets it! Okay, I get you now!
(He runs out and Ross sighs.)
EXT. THE HOUSE, DRIVEWAY - DAY
(Nykk, Karen and Croooooow jump into Nykk's Camaro, but Dusty and Jay run out onto the porch. Dusty produces a 9mm from his jacket and fires two shots, shooting out Nykk's tires. He and Jay get in the Squad's van and drive away, running over the mailbox.)
Dusty: AHAHAHAHAHA!
(Nykk, Croooooow and Karen get out of the car.)
Karen: Now what, genius?
(Nykk looks around and then grabs a rake. He runs to the road and sticks it out. Almost instantly, a man driving a motorcycle with a sidecar speeds by and clotheslines himself off of it. Nykk drops the rake.)
Nykk: I'll drive!
Karen: No you won't!
(She shoves him out of the way and gets behind the wheel. Nykk and Croooooow stuff themselves into the sidecar.)
Croooooow: Now we just need a helmet...
(Karen speeds away and Croooooow's voice trails off.)
Croooooow: Wait, I haven't put my helmet on!
(Huh slowly walks out to the street and stands there, not knowing what to do. After a few moments, a school bus pulls up and opens its door. Huh stares at it for a moment and then gets on.)
EXT. DESERT - DAY
(The Squad van is driving down a dusty, deserted road.)
Dusty: Are we almost there?
Jay: Yeah, I've got the map right here. After we pass through this desert, we have to cross a rickety old bridge, ferry our way across a lake of fire and pass through a poisonous swamp. At that point we should see a castle...
Dusty: You idiot, that's not a map of Bellbrookville! That's just a map from an old video game!
Jay: Then that means we've been going the wrong way!
(The van screeches to a halt and Dusty and Jay get out.)
Dusty: Well, that's just perfect.
Jay: Since when does Bellbrookville have a desert anyway?
(About thirty feet away, the ground suddenly shifts as if something large is coming toward them. All of a sudden, a snake-like tongue whips out of the ground and hooks onto the van's tailpipe. Two more tongues hold onto the bumper, and Dusty and Jay whirl around as the van's front end is pulled into the air.)
Dusty: The guns!
(Dusty and Jay leap onto the van and open the door. They enter and exit a few moments later, carrying an enormous amount of weapons. The van sinks into the soil and Dusty fires randomly at the ground. The ground under them shifts and Dusty and Jay move away. A graboid suddenly bursts out of the ground in front of them.)
Dusty: That fucker ate our van. Get him!
(Dusty and Jay give a battle cry and run toward the creature.)
EXT. STREET - DAY
(Karen, Nykk and Croooooow pull up at the corner of Big Road and Bigger Road.)
Karen: So where did you say this driving range was again?
Nykk: Just go down this street and make a left at that field that always turns into a lake when it rains.
Karen: And what's with these road names? Big Road, Bigger Road... Needmore Road?
Nykk: It's a long story...
FLASHBACK
EXT. STREET - DAY
(Sometime in the 1800s, Mr. Bellbrookville and a Construction Dude are overseeing the building of the town.)
CD: Now we just have to come up with some names for all these streets.
Bellbrookville: That shouldn't be too hard. After all, I am a creative genius.
CD: Please. You're the one who wanted to name the town BellbrookvilleVILLE!
(They turn toward the thin road, and a bunch of carriages suddenly crash into each other.)
Construction Worker: We need more road!
Bellbrookville: That's it!
FLASHBACK'S OVER, Y'ALL
Croooooow: That never happened.
Nykk: But it should have.
(An explosion suddenly rocks the ground in front of them.)
Croooooow: What was that?
Nykk: Someone's shooting at us.
Karen: And this doesn't concern you?
Nykk: Not anymore.
(On top of a nearby building, Cheesecake is taking aim with a missile launcher. Ross Hoss is behind him, filming the whole thing.)
Ross: Whoo-boy! Betrayals and explosions! It's shit like this that makes television great! Yee-ha!
Cheesecake: Ye'th, th'ir! I told you I wa'th the only one willing to unload all over my friends!
Ross: And that, my boy, is why you're my chosen one to win this thing and receive that $1,000,000!
Croooooow: Crap, it's Cheesecake!
Karen: Damn, he stole my idea...
(They dive out of the way as a missile blows up the motorcycle.)
INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY
(Huh is sitting in one of the seats staring blankly at the rips in the seat in front of him when a small boy pulls on his shirt.)
Huh: Huh?
Boy: What grade are you in?
Huh: Uh...
Boy: That weally mean sixth-grader is picking on me. Could you tell him to show me a wittle wespect?
Huh: Sure.
(Huh gets up and walks to the back of the bus, where a mean-looking sixth grader is spray painting the bus window.)
Huh: Uh... excuse me? Meanie: What?
Huh: It isn't really nice to pick on little kids. I got picked on all the time in grade school, and...
(The Big Meanie grabs Huh by the shirt and throws him against the back door of the bus. Huh screams like a little girl.)
Meanie: Listen, you twerp, I'm the school bully. You got it? That means I don't take shit from pieces of crap like...
(He suddenly goes down in pain and he's swarmed by the little boy and his friends. They whack him repeatedly with pipes and wrenches in the knee.)
Boy: That's what you get for stiffing us, you wittle bitch! Dawson won that schoolyard bwawl fair and square, so it's time to pay up!
Meanie: I was going to get you your money as soon as I stole it from dad's wallet...
Boy: Boys... open the back door!
Meanie: NOOO!
Boy: You're wucky I don't bweak your knees!
(A couple of the vicious second graders open the bus's back door while Huh looks on, terrified.)
INT. THE HOUSE, HALLWAY - DAY
(Shadow walks up to Dusty's door and opens it up. She throws a bar of soap inside. Almost instantaneously, five arrows shoot out of the wall and impale the bar of soap. Shadow walks inside into the darkness. A few moments later, she comes out carrying a small army's worth of artillery.)
EXT. STREET - DAY
(Nykk and Croooooow dodge another Cheesecake missile while Karen fires back with her own guns.)
Nykk: Who would have guessed? Just a few hundred yards away from a million bucks, and we're stopped by a friend with a missile launcher.
Croooooow: No, I think help is on the way!
(Down the street, Dusty and Jay suddenly appear, riding atop a huge sandworm that is tearing up all the road in its path. Dusty is aiming a flame-thrower at nearby buildings.)
Dusty: Chuuuk-sa!
(Buildings are engulfed in flames.)
Jay: What are you doing?
Dusty: Just ensuring that I have work for a long, long time.
Nykk: Dusty! Jay!
(A missile hits the sandworm and it explodes, throwing Dusty and Jay into the air. They land in a heap in front of Nykk and Croooooow.)
Dusty: So that's how you want to play...
Nykk: No, it wasn't...
SMACK!
(Nykk has fallen. Meanwhile, Karen is punching a code into a remote control.)
Croooooow: What are you doing?
Karen: Getting rid of all of you in one fell swoop.
(A huge jet suddenly zooms in over the entire town and starts firing relentlessly. Karen punches the remote wildly.)
Karen: No... I was so close. It's outta control!
(The jet crashes onto Main Street, crushing everything.)
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
(Shadow steps up outside a church as some faux 'Rain' music starts playing. Shadow is wearing a long, dark trenchcoat and stops and stares a moment before going in.)
INT. CHURCH - DAY
(Shadow walks into the darkened church and finds a mysterious, blond woman there, also in a trenchcoat.)
Woman: When devils dig their way out of hell, they become angels. Am I wrong?
Shadow: It's been a long time, Villen.
Villen: And of all the places to find you, Jennifer... here in Ohio, hanging out with the commoners when you could be so much more. What woke you up?
Shadow: Nothing. I'm still dreaming. Now I'm watching a bad dream I never wake up from.
Villen: You're a beast that' s lost your fangs. Come with me.
Shadow: I'm not going back, if that's what you're thinking.
Villen: I didn't expect you would. That's why...
(Several other women in trench coats appear with handguns pointed at Shadow's head. Shadow gives them a brief look before flipping backwards and crouching behind a pew. Bullets tear through the old wood and Shadow peeks out, firing her 9mm multiple times. Several women go down and Shadow runs across to another row of pillars. She throws a hand grenade and blows up a good portion of the church. She runs up the stairs, shooting down another gunwoman before being hit in the shoulder with a bullet. She painfully continues her climb as another woman fires a machine gun. Shadow rolls and draws a throwing knife, throwing it with deadly accuracy to hit the woman in the forehead. She falls over the balcony, still shooting her gun. Shadow sighs and rests for a moment before the whoosh of a katana alerts her to Villen's presence. She raises her gun, but it gets knocked from her hand. She rolls and then kicks Villen, stunning her. She dives for her gun and reaches it. She rolls to her back and points her gun just as Villen leans over her and holds the katana to her shoulder. They stare at each other for a moment, panting.)
Villen: Do you know what your face looks like right now?
Shadow: What?
Villen: Like a ravenous beast. We have the same blood, Shadow. The blood that holds the desire to kill and dominate.
Shadow: I've bled all that blood away.
Villen: Then why are you still alive!?
(She stabs Shadow in the shoulder at the same time that Shadow shoots Villen in the shoulder. Villen grabs Shadow by the face and shoves her through a stained glass window, shattering it. Shadow falls downward in slow motion as some faux 'Green Bird' music plays. Shadow has several memories flash by, first of fighting side by side with Villen and then of sustaining a grievous injury. She finally falls through the roof of a swimming pool behind the church. She lands on a giant air mattress, propelling a small child on the other end into the water, who gives a big "Wheee!")
INT. PPV SQUAD HOUSE - DAY
(Jay is sitting on the couch with an icepack on his head. The rest of the Squad are similarly nursing their wounds as the TV News Report drones on.)
Reporter: The jet, though nothing like it has ever been seen in the history of this world's technology, was largely met with apathy by the Bellbrookville population, who are now used to this sort of thing happening. In other news, it looks as if the Grade School Mafia has struck again. Reports say...
(Croooooow turns the TV off.)
Croooooow: I'd like to say that I'm upset, but this ended the way most of our exploits end. On fire.
Cheesecake: You th'aid it.
Nykk: So what became of Ross Hoss?
Cheesecake: Oh, he'th moving in next door.
Croooooow: What? Why is a Texas Billionaire moving into a suburban rat maze?
Cheesecake: I guess he invested pretty much everything into that TV show. It takes a lot to pay off the government to look the other way when innocents die.
(Shadow walks in, looking severely beat up. She drops to the floor, unconscious.)
Nykk: Whoa, Shadow. What happened to you?
Croooooow: She must have been caught in that explosion too. Quick, let's take her into her room.
(They help Shadow away.)
Jay: I wonder what became of all that money.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY
(A school bus pulls up, dragging the Meanie's unconscious body behind it. Huh gets off, and the bus drives away. Huh looks at the driving range, scratching his head, trying to remember why he's there. Finally, he shrugs and goes up to an employee.)
Huh: One bucket, please.
(Out at the driving range, Huh pulls out a banded wad of cash and places it on the golf tee. He takes a driver and swings, clubbing the money out into the field.)
The End