INT. SHADOW'S ROOM - DAY
(Nykk, Croooooow, Dusty and Jay are crowded around Shadow's bedside. She has a large bandage on her shoulder.)
Croooooow: So how are you feeling?
Shadow: I'm doing better now. Thank you all for helping me. It was very nice of you to hijack an ambulance for my sake, Dusty.
Dusty: Your sake? Yeah, that's it...
Nykk: But who did this to you? You still haven't told us.
Shadow: Don't worry about it, Nykk. This is my problem.
Jay: Well, if you need anything, just call.
(Jay, Dusty and Croooooow leave the room.)
Nykk: Listen... sorry about that fight we had the other day. It seems pretty stupid in hindsight.
Shadow: In hindsight?
Nykk: Okay... pretty stupid in general.
Shadow: It's all right.
(Huh and Cheesecake walk in the room.)
Nykk: It's about damn time. Did you get her prescription?
Cheesecake: Um... sort of.
(Nykk snatches the bag from Huh and pulls out a vial of pills.)
Nykk: This isn't her prescription. It's for someone named 'Denny Wicks.'
Huh: I got confused.
Nykk: Dammit, Cheesecake, you were supposed to watch him.
Cheesecake: Sorry. He broke the leash and got away.
Shadow: But the question remains, where is my prescription?
Cheesecake: Probably making Denny Wicks very happy right about now.
Nykk: Huh, this has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Huh: Er...
Nykk: Yes, dumber than the time you responded to that kitchen fire by spraying ether onto it.
Huh: What about...
Cheesecake: Yes, dumber than the time you went in the broken toilet in Croooooow's parents' garage.
Huh: But how about...
Shadow: Actually, from the short time I've known you, this is one of the more milder dumb things you've done.
(Huh sighs with relief.)
Shadow: Though it is dumber than those Jelly and Chocolate Syrup Sandwiches you made.
Huh: Aw.
Nykk: Seriously, I think you're like that Lego set that's always missing a piece.
Cheesecake: I liked the little two-pegged pieces. They were th'o cute!
(Huh gets a look of chagrin on his face.)
INT. HUH'S ROOM – NIGHT
(Huh is asleep in bed, tossing and turning. His friend's voices haunt his sleep.)
Nykk's Voice: Yes, dumber than the time you responded to that kitchen fire by spraying ether onto it.
Cheesecake's Voice: Yes, dumber than the time you went in the broken toilet in Croooooow's parents' garage.
Nykk's Voice: Seriously, I think you're like that Lego set that's always missing a piece.
Cheesecake's Voice: I liked the little two-pegged pieces. They were th'o cute!
(Suddenly, an image intrudes of Huh sitting naked in a classroom. He wakes up sweating.)
Huh: AHHHH! (pants heavily) Wait... that's it!
INT. BELLBROOKVILLE UNIVERSITY, REGISTRAR - DAY
(A cashier just finishes with an applicant when Huh walks up, totally naked.)
Huh: Hi. I'm here to register for classes.
EXT. THE HOUSE - DAY
(Huh is sitting on a lawn chair next to Cheesecake, who is sunbathing in nothing but a speedo and sunglasses.)
Cheesecake: Bellbrookville University, est. 2001. Yeah, I've heard of it.
Huh: Anyway, if I get my degree, everyone will think I'm smart, right?
Cheesecake: Doubt it, but knock yourself out anyway.
Huh: Why would I knock myself out?
Cheesecake: Never mind. Listen, just because you're in college doesn't mean it's going to make you smart. There's going to be a lot of work involved.
Huh: I know, but I can change. I'm going to work really hard.
Cheesecake: Then you have nothing to worry about. Anyway, you can't be any worse than that dumb Johnny Jones guy from high school.
Huh: (laughs) Yeah, he had lower grades than anyone. I wonder what he's doing these days.
Cheesecake: Probably shoveling road kill for the county or something. Yeah, you shouldn't have much to worry about.
Huh: Thanks for your time, Cheesecake. You're a good friend.
Cheesecake: Yeah. That'll be ten bucks.
(He holds out his hand and Huh starts to take out his wallet but stops and points at Cheesecake.)
Huh: Ah...
Cheesecake: Ah...
INT. SHADOW'S ROOM - DAY
(Shadow is sitting twiddling her thumbs. She grabs a bell from her bedside table and rings it. After a few moments, nothing happens. She rings it again. And again, nothing happens.)
Shadow: HEY!
(Nykk pokes his head in the room.)
Nykk: You need something?
Shadow: Yeah, I need my bedpan changed.
Nykk: You don't have a bedpan.
Shadow: No shit. I'm hungry. You guys haven't fed me in two days, you idiot.
Nykk: Are you menstruating?
Shadow: No, I'm hungry. See this mouth? Food goes in here. You bring me food. Understand?
Nykk: Well...
Shadow: Now!
(Nykk ducks out as a frying pan hits the door.)
INT. BELLBROOKVILLE UNIVERSITY, HALL - DAY
(Huh is wandering down a hallway, with a backpack slung over one shoulder and a schedule in the other hand.)
Huh: Room 103... Room... 103... 1... 03...
(He stops in front of a door.)
Huh: Maybe this is it.
(He goes inside.)
INT. ROOM - DAY
Huh: (sniffs) Ugh... why does it smell like a bathroom in here?
(He looks around and sees stalls, urinals and sinks.)
Huh: Oh...
INT. ROOM 103 - DAY
(Huh walks into a full classroom. An elderly teacher is writing on the board.)
Mrs. Shakespeare: You are Mr. Crosby, I presume.
Huh: Huh?
Mrs. Shakespeare: You're late, young man. Two tardies count as an absence in my class.
Huh: So this is English 203, Introduction to Shakespeare?
Mrs. Shakespeare: That's right. I'm your professor, Mrs. Shakespeare.
Huh: That name sounds familiar somehow. Who are you married to?
Mrs. Shakespeare: William Shakespeare.
Huh: Okay...
Mrs. Shakespeare: Have a seat, young man.
(Huh takes a seat and puts his backpack down.)
Mrs. Shakespeare: Now, then... in this class, you will be introduced to the works of the great, fabulous, handsome, thrifty William Shakespeare. You will be expected to read the following plays.
(She points to the chalkboard, which lists Othello, A Midsummer Night's Dream and Richard III.)
(Huh raises his hand and then immediately puts it down.)
Mrs. Shakespeare: Yes, Mr. Crosby?
Huh: Well... uh...
Mrs. Shakespeare: Out with it. This class is only an hour long.
Huh: It's just... about Richard Three... can't we start with Richard One and Richard Two? I'd hate to read the sequels first.
(Mrs. Shakespeare looks at him in disbelief, and Huh sinks lower in his chair.)
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
(Huh is sitting in the classroom when an old man with a moustache and frizzy hair walks in.)
Einstein: Hello. This iz Math 115 and I am your professor, Albert Einstein…
(Huh runs screaming from the room.)
INT. SHADOW'S ROOM - DAY
(Shadow is sitting in bed, looking peevish.)
Shadow: Hey! HEY! Don't make me come out there!
(Croooooow meekly pokes his head in the room.)
Croooooow: Yes?
Shadow: I told Nykk I wanted food. Where is it?
Croooooow: Well... Huh's at school, so he can't cook anything, and we're out of pre-made food...
Shadow: If I wanted your excuses, I'd let you finish your sentence! I don't care if you have to go out and kill it yourself, I'm fucking starving!
Croooooow: You know, you're getting...
Shadow: NOW!
(Croooooow ducks out as a frying pan hits the door.)
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
(Huh is sitting at a desk, looking dejected, when a wild-haired professor comes into the room, looking like he's high. He stumbles a little bit but finally regains his composure.)
Denny: (in a British accent) Hellooooooo, everyone, this is COM 101, and my name is Denny Wicks. I was going to start by taking roll, but I just felt… I f… feel, so damn good! So we'll get right into it. Open your textbooks to page seven.
(Everyone opens their textbooks as Denny looks thoughtfully at his. He finally looks appealingly to the class.)
Denny: How do you work this bloody thing!?
(Huh puts his head down in frustration.)
INT. BELLBROOKVILLE UNIVERSITY, HALLWAY - DAY
(Huh walks down the hallway sadly as his cell phone rings. He takes it out of his backpack and answers it.)
Huh: Hello?
Cheesecake's Voice: Hey! Just wondering how classes are going.
Huh: Bad. I'm starting to think college isn't for me after all. I'm just too dumb.
Cheesecake: You'll be fine.
Huh: I don't think so. They're making me READ, Cheesecake!
Cheesecake: Whoa, that is bad. Just hang in there.
Huh: Nah. I think I'm just going to see if I can get my deposit back and go back to working as a garbage man or something.
Cheesecake: Just give it one more day. Sleep on it.
Huh: Sleep on what?
Cheesecake: Never mind. See ya.
Huh: Later.
(He hangs up.)
INT. SHADOW'S ROOM - DAY
(Shadow despondently rings the bell, waiting for some assistance. After a while, no one comes.)
Shadow: (weakly) Hello? I think I'm dying of starvation. Where is everybody?
(She slides out of bed and crawls to the door. Using the doorknob, she gets to her feet. She opens the door and leaves the room.)
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
(She walks in on Nykk, Croooooow, Jay, Dusty and Cheesecake, who are all eating fried chicken.)
Nykk: Hey, Shadow! You're up!
Croooooow: Yeah, we were going to ask if you wanted anything, but we figured you'd be asleep.
(Shadow gets a cold look on her face.)
Shadow: Dusty... can I borrow your gun?
Dusty: What makes you think I have a gun?
Shadow: You're... Dusty.
Dusty: You're damn right I am.
(He takes a gun out of one of his pockets and hands it to her. Shadow checks the gun as the rest obliviously eat their chicken.)
EXT. BELLBROOKVILLE UNIVERSITY, QUAD - DAY
(Huh is sitting under a tree, a pile of homework by his side. He is attempting to read Shakespeare's Othello, quietly muttering the words of a passage to himself. He suddenly bursts out in tears.)
Voice: Why are you crying? Because it's so sad?
Huh: No, I can't understand a word of it!
(He looks up at the person.)
Huh: Johnny Jones!? What are you doing here?
Johnny: I go to school here.
(Huh stands up and they shake hands.)
Johnny: So what have you been up to the past few years?
Huh: Well, I joined the army and served in Iraq.
Johnny: Wow. Still living with your folks?
Huh: No. I'm just living with a bunch of weirdos. You go to school here? But in high school, you were always so...
Johnny: Dumb? Yeah, but people change, you know? I never realized what I was capable of until I got into college. I started applying myself and working hard, and now I have a 3.3 grade point average.
Huh: Really?
Johnny: Yeah. This is good that you're finally going to college. It was the smartest decision I ever made, that's for sure. Well, I'm running late for a class. It was good seeing you.
(He walks away, waving.)
Huh: Yeah, good to see you too.
(Huh sits back down and sighs. After a few moments, he picks Othello up and starts reading again.)
Huh: (laughs) Strangulation...
INT. THE HOUSE, FOYER - DAY
(Huh opens the door and walks inside.)
Huh: Hey, I'm back. Hello?
(He walks into the kitchen.)
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
(He walks into the kitchen, where Shadow is guarding a big pile of food while shooting at Nykk, Croooooow, Dusty, Jay and Cheesecake, who are cowering behind an overturned table.)
Shadow: Next time... (fires a shot) feed me... (fires a shot) when I ask to be fed!
Huh: (laughs) You guys just can't get along without me, can you?