NYPD Blue Fanfiction
By Tina & Vicki
I’m beginning to feel that Season 11 is like a series of dots that are being connected episode by episode with Andy and Connie’s relationship. When Connie tells Andy in “Frickin’ Fraker” that “I am here”, it feels like she is sending a message not only to him but to all of us for the tone that will be set for Season 11.
I used that line as the title for this story because I believe so much in the strength that Connie gives Andy even when their world is turned upside down like it’s going to be in “You Da Bomb”. Andy clings to that strength. It’s like a lifeline for him.
Their relationship has been building and building throughout this season like a series of building blocks. It’s been a tremendous ride so far. It keeps building and building. In some ways, it’s been even better than Season 9. Did I actually say that??? They’re in a different phase of their relationship now. In Season 9, love was just beginning…love was tentative and new. Season 11 is on a whole other level. Everything that Andy’s ever wanted is within his grasp during Season 11. He is so close to having it all.
This is one of the scenes that Sally asked me to expand. I must admit that Carole’s JPG of Andy holding Connie from “You Da Bomb” has inspired me. I thought it might be interesting to write the thoughts and feelings going on inside both Andy and Connie’s heads as that hug transpires between them in “You Da Bomb”. We don’t see Connie’s face but we do see Andy’s face and man, oh man…what emotions!!!
Also, after seeing the promos, I must say Andy is quivering with “emotion” when he tells her he loves her. He’s not just mad…he’s teetering. There is nothing better in the world than when Andy teeters. Dennis’s performance is amazing
These are the things I see and feel when I look at that picture. I see a man and a woman more deeply in love than I ever thought possible. As always, I am constantly striving to understand and further define the deep complexities of what unites them as a couple through interpretation of the written word.
Vicki, your contributions to this fanfic are utterly beautiful. You have an insight into Andy’s head that none of us even come close to capturing at times. And this is one of those times. You are DA Bomb!
I hope you enjoy this little foray into what I think and Vicki thinks is going on in both their heads. If we could read their minds, this is what we think you’d hear.
Your VP,
Tina
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The bomb squad was freeing her from the bondage of fear she’d endured during the last several hours. She looked over at him as she was being unchained from her captor. In his eyes she could see all the fear, all the worry and all the pain ready to let go. He was on the brink.
“I have my work cut out for me” she thought. “Damn them. Damn them to hell.” Now that she was free from her captor she felt like going downstairs in that cell and beating the shit out of that Russian guy, Ilya, singlehandedly. She’d at least like to take a swing at him. Just one good punch.
So many emotions raging in her head right now. Part of her was angry…so angry for this turmoil. “He doesn’t deserve this” her mind screamed. She’d had plenty of time in the last several hours to contemplate meeting her maker and the collateral damage and fallout that would occur to those left behind if something happened to her.
“Hasn’t he suffered enough already?” she wanted to cry out to God. The strides they’d made in the past two years…she could see all of it…teetering within his eyes. All that was within their reach had almost been extinguished today like a candle that gets blown out in the wind. Hadn’t he told her once before “Everytime I try to reach out for something more, it gets taken from me.”
Well dammit, she wasn’t gonna let fate decide. She’d make sure they had their own fate together on their own terms. In the last two years she’d spent so much time reassuring him that she was “here” and that God wouldn’t take her from him as he had all the other good people in his life. And in this past year especially, they’d gained so much. Today she felt as if she’d played roulette with the devil and this time the devil blinked.
It would take time and love to heal. But love can heal all things and she vowed to herself that she’d do whatever it takes to make him see that. This baby…this wonderful miracle growing deep inside of her…surely that was a sign of God’s mercy, love and deepest blessings. This child would bond them to one another in a very special way.
She ran to him now and fell into his arms. She buried her head into his chest. She felt his tears inside her heart. No words were needed now. Oh, God…she thought for just a moment. All afternoon, she couldn’t allow that fear to cloud her judgment or her thinking. But now, the moment was at hand to let it all out. One big sigh of relief. All she knew was that she needed to hold on to him right now and never let go. She never wanted to let him go.
Whatever strength she had left, she’d willingly give to him. He was everything to her.
She kept whispering softly, soothingly into his ear. “I’m here, Andy. I’m here.” The more she whispered it the harder he held her to him. And in his arms is where she belonged.
I
cry and you comfort me.
I’m
lost and you hear my scream.
It’s
so hard to watch you falling
When
you run so deep in me.
You
live in me.
I’m
gonna stand by your side now.
I
can kiss all your tears away.
You
can stay in my arms now.
And
I know I can make you believe again.
I walk but you can run through fire.
I
search for reasons you inspire.
I
know you’ve been hurt a lot.
And
I know you really need a friend.
Well
you can take my hand.
I’m
gonna stand by your side now.
I
will kiss all your tears away.
You
can stay in my arms now.
And
I know I can make you believe again.
So
when you’re feeling like you can’t go on.
Don’t
you know.
You
never walk alone.
And
you live in me.
I’m
gonna stand by your side now.
I
will kiss your tears away tonight.
I’m
gonna stand by your side
And
make you believe again.
Let
me kiss all your tears away.
You
can stay in my arms tonight.
And
I know I can make you believe again.
Andy: (Thinking to himself) She’s right there…less than six feet away from me and I can’t
touch her. She’s right there…don’t let her see it.
The “it” being panic. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of her since he was allowed back into the squad. When he looked at her, an old ache he thought he’d forgotten settled around him. He tried to push it back in the place where his agonies kept vigil. He feels the panic creeping, stalking…the pressure building. He fights to hide it from her. Panic remains in his head. His life is on hold. Sweat beads on his body. His breath comes in short, quick gasps. Everything he holds dear in his heart, stolen from him.
He closes his eyes for just a second because he feels scared. Scared for all the caring, for all the time they have together.
Andy: (To himself) I try to lead a good life…please…don’t take that from me…from us.
A silent trace of a tear falls on his face. He cries for his inability to change what is going on. He wants/wishes he could tell her ALL the reasons he loves her. Words seem so stupid right now. His great hope is that she’s seen it in the smile she puts on his face every day and every night…a word, a wink from across the room when he thinks no one can see except for her. Hopes she has felt it in his hugs or a simple touch of his hand as he passes her desk. She is everything he has ever wanted and thought he’d never find.
Andy: (Thinking to himself) Is this shit ever gonna end? Are you ever gonna let me know peace? Why
would you give it to me then take it back? You got some warped sense of humor
God…I don’t want to go through that again.
He was searching for a reprieve, for mercy. He takes a quick look over at
the man with the bomb, Brad. He
fights off the ever-growing sickness of panic.
He switches gears to full out hatred. He submerges himself in what he
feels he does best…wishing only the most evil things on him. He is seething
with pure hatred. He hurt her so all he wanted to do was to beat him, to tear
him apart. He is so dangerous and yet so delicate. Christ, his head is about to
explode.
His heartbeat speeds as he watches her walking to him. His heart beating faster…he stood there frozen in time.
She reaches out to him. Andy clings to her. He holds onto her desperately like a man holding on to his last breath. It was as if touching her wasn’t enough. He’d come so close to losing her today. He needed to feel her to make her real.
In love’s embrace, love comes alive with a fierce fury. The anger is slowly replaced by warmth. His strong arms are wrapped around her as to form a shield. In his embrace she feels safe. To hold onto this feeling forever is the only thing he wants right now. It’s all-quiet…he’s afraid to break the silence. All is still. He wants her in his arms for the rest of his days.
Andy: (To himself) DON’T
BREAK…NOT NOW…DON’T BREAK.
He remembers the day they met. The night she freed him from the walls he built around himself. She touched his heart and stole his soul. He knew from then on she was what he needed. How little in him is not touched by her. Her head, weary upon his shoulder, he feels every motion of her chest. And she cried. All the emotions of the day fell out of her. One by one. It shook her body. He held her and her tears fell on him. He tried so hard to make the pain leave, to go into him.
Andy: (Screaming to himself) HELP HER!
That thought made him snap back to the task at hand. Teetering on the brink himself, he knew his job now was to be the band-aid for her emotional bleeding. He whispers a silent prayer.
“Thank you, God…for not taking her from me.”
For
all those times you stood by me.
For
all the truth you made me see
For
all the joy you brought to my life
For
all the wrong that you made right
For
every dream you made come true
For
all the love I found in you.
I’ll
be forever thankful baby.
You’re
one who held me up
Never
let me fall
You’re
the one who saw me through it all.
You
were my strength when I was weak
You
were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You
were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You
saw the best there was in me.
Lifted
me up when I couldn’t reach
You
gave me faith ‘cause you believed
I’m
everything I am
Because
you loved me.
You
gave me wings and made me fly.
You
touched my hand.
I
could touch the sky.
I
lost my faith, you gave it back to me.
You
said no star was out of reach.
You
stood by me and I stood tall
I
had your love I had it all.
I’m
grateful for each day you give me
Maybe
I don’t know that much
But
I know this much is true
I’ve
been blessed because I am loved by you.
You
were always there for me.
The
tender wind that carried me.
A
light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve
been my inspiration.
Through
the lies you were the truth
My
world is a better place because of you.
You
were my strength when I was weak
You
were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You
were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You
saw the best there was in me
Lifted
me up when I couldn’t reach.
You
gave me faith ‘cause you believed.
I’m
everything I am.
Because
you loved me.
I’m
everything I am.
Because
you loved me.