~Kokuhaku~

"Confessions"

by Emily "Kaitou Jeanne" Horner

Introduction

Please note that this is a shounen ai (boy's love) story, so although there's nothing too mature, you might want to stay away from it if you don't like that kind of thing. Don't read it all the way through and then tell me it offended you!

This takes place approximately two to three months after the events in Volume 8 of Matendou Sonata, for those familiar with the story.

For those unfamiliar with it:

Filla, a demon with a good heart, has been in love with the angel Micael for several years. Micael, on the other hand, has spent those years running from his dark past and from the idea of loving anyone. However, in the time that they've worked together, through all their adventures and misadventures, Micael has grown far more attached to Filla than he wants to admit.

If this story interests you, and you haven't read any of the series before, why not come and read the manga translations at http://takumashii.tripod.com/duet.html?

Please e-mail me (ehorne2@po-box.mcgill.ca) or leave a review, comments and criticisms (including negative ones) are welcomed.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to Beth Shupe, without whom this fic would have certainly been much worse and might never have existed at all, for her very constructive criticism.

Matendou Sonata is copyright Amagi Sayuri/ Princess Comics/ Akita Shoten.

Lyrics to "Angels Would Fall" copyright Melissa Etheridge, from the CD "Breakdown"

(Which is quite spiffy).

The rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me are finding their way in

I keep it close to me like a holy man prays

In my desperate hour, it's better, better that way…

~Angels Would Fall

Micael lay on his bed, staring at the blank ceiling and thinking of nothing in particular. Anything that crossed his mind for an instant trained along with it a dozen other thoughts, none of which he could focus on. For now, he preferred it that way. He knew what he would be thinking about, if he were thinking of any one thing, and that was the one thing he couldn't think about yet. It was late in the morning, which meant that he still had a few hours left before he was supposed to meet Filla in North Carolina. Routine work, just leading the soul of a dying man to Heaven, for a change—that was something of a relief. He certainly didn't need to deal with any life-threatening adventures when he was just trying to deal with the fact that his mind kept wandering back to Filla. I wish it were as simple as telling him what I really feel, he thought. I don't even know what I really feel.

Micael heard a tapping on his door and answered, "Come in," sitting up abruptly. His friend Cross entered.

"You didn't come down for breakfast, so I thought I'd check in on you."

Micael didn't say anything for a while. Then, "Cross, have you ever been in love?"

He seemed a little surprised by the question. "…Once…"

"How did you know that you were?"

Cross shook his head. "It's not really something you can explain…it's just that you feel as if…no, it's really impossible. Why? Are you in love?"

Micael shook his head. "Well, err…I don't know."

"You don't not know, Micael. If you say you don't know, that only means you don't want to believe the truth, even if you know perfectly well what it is."

Micael put his head in his hands. "You may be right…but if you are, I'm in more trouble than I thought."

"Afraid of being rejected?"

"Hardly," he said with a forced, shallow laugh.

The heavy sound of the clock striking noon resonated through the castle. Cross stood up. "I have to work now, but come talk to me later if you need to."

Then he was gone, and Micael was alone. In the silence, the rhythmic beating of his heart seemed terribly loud.

Before he knew it he was standing on the side of the road with Filla, watching the sport-utility vehicles go by and wondering where in the world he was. They were surrounded by pine trees on his left, and a vast field that showed signs of having once been full of pine trees, which was quickly becoming a shopping center, on his right. He brushed a few stray silver-blue strands of hair out of his face, wiping the sweat off his forehead—it was hot for April. He couldn't help feeling nervous, but he knew he had to try to act normally or Filla would surely notice something. Knowing Filla, he'd probably notice something was wrong anyway. "We're lost," he said. That much was certain.

"We're not lost, we're just misplaced!" Filla said confidently. "Let's see now, I'm sure…well, it has to be around here somewhere!"

"You should go ask for directions."

Micael reminded himself to be careful. If he said Filla's real name—or, indeed, if Filla said Micael's—then they would revert back to their true forms, wings and all, and that could be a bad thing.

"Me? Ask for directions? Why don't you ask for directions?"

"I don't want to ask, you ask!"

Filla thought for a moment. "This is the problem with a shounen ai story."

"This is not a--!"

"I know, I know. Let's try this way."

Of course, they found the right place eventually and finished all the work ahead of them. Micael found himself becoming both more nervous and more resolute with each passing minute. Day faded into evening, and Micael suggested that they stay on Earth a while longer and look around, because it was one of those spring evenings that wraps around you like a silk scarf, soft and warm. They sat under a large tree in a deserted park, saying very little, watching the stars.

"The universe is a strange place, isn't it?" Micael mused. "A hundred thousand years ago, during the Celestial Wars, an angel ruthlessly created great beasts that could seek out and kill hundreds of demons. And now…well, here we are."

Filla nodded.

Micael continued. "And even though we're a part of the celestial realm and know more about the universe than the humans down here ever will, there are still a million things I can't even begin to understand, and many things that I always thought I knew, but really never did." He watched Filla's face—his long golden hair ruffled slightly by the gentle breeze, his features framed with moonlight—and sighed. He had to admit, he looked beautiful. I love you. The minute he pronounced those words inside his mind, he knew that they were true. But he had no courage.

A flicker of anger ran through him. No. He couldn't let things go on this way forever. He had been scared before, and found a way to fight past his fear. And yet—this was a question of risking completely the one thing in his life that he entirely trusted. He argued with himself again…if this was the one thing he entirely trusted, what could he possibly have to fear?

Perhaps it was this logic, or perhaps it was something about the peace and tranquility tonight, that gave him the courage to press on. So, though his heart was tied up in knots that a Boy Scout would have been proud of, he inched imperceptibly closer to Filla. "We've really been through a lot together over the past two years, haven't we? I know we've had more than our share of disagreements, but you've helped me through so many hard times and you've saved my life more times than I care to recall." I love you. The words stuck in his throat. "I'm really indebted to you."

Micael realized now that Filla looked very serious, and he wasn't quite sure why. But that was all right. Maybe it was because he understood. He always understood these things. He inclined his face very gently towards him. "It's just that I've been thinking a lot about these things recently, or longer than that, and…I…" I've always loved you.

Micael never finished that sentence. He just fixed his blue eyes, quiet and scared, on Filla, wishing for him to understand what he couldn't say. But Filla wasn't even looking at him. His head was down, and Micael couldn't read his expression.

Finally he looked up, and his eyes were full of tears. "Please don't do this to me," he said. "I know how you feel about me. I know that anything you say now would be nothing more than gratitude and a sense of obligation—and no matter what you think of me, I'm not so cruel that I would accept that kind of empty lie of a relationship from you, even if you were cruel enough to offer it."

The world spun around Micael, and his feet froze in place. He couldn't believe that Filla—Filla who had always understood him, Filla who had loved him even when Micael had barely liked himself, Filla who thought of a kiss as a perfectly appropriate birthday present—could have said such a thing.

"You don't understand me at all!" he cried, and ran off as fast as he could.

In the second it took him to realize how utterly foolish a thing he'd done and how irredeemably awful things were about to become, it was too late. Micael was gone.

And Filla very miserably crawled into a bar, drank far too much, stumbled into the first carelessly unlocked building he found, and fell asleep, crumpled in a corner, whispering Micael's name…and his large black wings unfurled under him. It was too dark to see the sign on the building, and he hadn't cared very much about it anyway…but as if to prove just how cruel fate could be, it read "Bethany Hills Baptist Church."

Micael merely walked to a nearby motel and tried unsuccessfully to make some sense of things until fatigue overcame him at last. He woke up the next morning still feeling confused and blue, and turned on the television hoping that it might drown out his thoughts.

He jumped back in shock when he saw the scene.

Filla.

"—Still not certain whether this is some kind of elaborate hoax, however, all people involved are taking every possible precaution. The 'demon,' as he claims to be, seems to be unstable, but has not as of yet taken any dangerous actions. Although more information is needed to attain any conclusions, an exorcism is scheduled to be performed this morning."

Micael grabbed his sword and raced out of his room and down the street, guided partly by intuition and partly by the handmade signs saying "See the demon!"

When he arrived, he spread out his wings and drew himself up to his full height, trying to look impressive. He very deliberately walked inside and placed himself between Filla and the dazed onlookers.

"Anyone who wants to lay a hand on Filla will have to get through me first, he said, holding out his sword.

Someone who seemed to be in charge stepped forward. "You actually want to stop this—this demon—from being exorcised?"

Micael nodded. "You can't take the demon out of a demon. It means death. Isn't it a bit arrogant to assume you have the right to kill someone just because he happens to be a demon? He hasn't done anything at all to you—in fact, he's done more to save the world than most of the angels in Heaven. I absolutely refuse to let him die like this."

The crowd was hushed for a few moments, and then started discussing things among themselves. Finally: "How do we know that you're not possessed yourself, or a fallen angel, or something like that?"

"There's no way I can prove something like that," Micael said. "But—"

The leader started reciting something, and Micael was filled with a horrible dread. He remembered a hawk-nosed professor of his who had solemnly told the class, "Now, exorcisms very seldom work. This is because they're almost exclusively used on people who are merely acting like people and acting on their human beliefs and feelings. However—exorcisms can be used on demons. Don't believe the stories you've heard about these. No one knows the truth, because no one has ever lived through one."

"No!" he shouted desperately. "We all have our place in this universe, and Filla has his too. And I—"

A bolt of something like lightning flashed inside the church, and there stood a great beast, perhaps six feet tall and eight feet long, with the head and tail of a vicious, snarling wolf, and the wings and claws of an eagle. It stood there for a moment just looking impressive, then started pacing slowly around the two of them, as if looking for an opportunity. Micael refused to give it one. He turned as the beast did, facing those great jaws, always keeping himself between it and Filla. The thought of the beasts conjured up by ancient angels rushed up into his mind now—could this be one of them? He couldn't believe that the spell would have fallen into human hands, but then again, he wouldn't have thought it possible that anything strong enough to easily destroy a demon could have fallen into human hands.

With eyes burning, it pounced. Micael leapt up, quick enough to stab his sword into its side. It reared up and clenched Micael's shoulders with its talons, knocking him down with its weight. He rolled out from under it and slashed the creature's back. It turned around and stared straight at Micael with intense red eyes and hair bristling on end. A cold shiver ran through him. He glanced over at Filla, but the look of sheer hopelessness on his face wasn't something he could bear to look at for more than a half-second. The beast ran again, this time straight at Micael. It was intelligent, he realized. It knew who its real enemy was. It struck at his legs, quickly dashing in and out of range of Micael's sword. He tried to strike at it, again managing to draw a little blood, but it too was skillful in it maneuverings, and its teeth pricked at his ankles and legs. He stumbled a little, and got up again.

The creature's eyes again met Micael's. It flew up into the air and dove down, pinning his body to the wall with its claws. Micael felt the claws digging deep into him, dying his robe with blood, and realized that even though his arm was free to swing his sword at the beast, it was only a matter of time before he lost too much blood to fight on, since the rest of his body was being held immobile and he couldn't escape. Already he was starting to feel dizzy. An idea suddenly grabbed him, and he let his body collapse on the floor. The animal turned his attention to Filla now, taking its time to stalk menacingly towards him. Micael darted up again, surprised that the trick had worked, and rushed over to Filla as quickly as he could to cut the ropes binding him. "If it's the last thing I do," he said, "know that I—"

The sword clattered onto the floor as a single swipe of avian claws sent Micael sprawling onto the floor. Filla rose, taking the sword into his hands, and ran towards the beast with an explosion of fury. He slashed deeply through its chest, and at last it gave a mighty roar and vanished in an explosion of light.

Filla very gravely picked Micael up in his arms, trembling noticeably, feeling for a pulse. Micael's eyes fluttered open, and for just a second he stared up at Filla with a very faint smile on his face. Filla walked wordlessly out of the church while all around him stared in astonishment.

Micael opened his eyes again in the Realm of Magic. The grass was soft and cool underneath him; the sun danced through the trees, and although his wounds still hurt, they had been bandaged. Filla was sitting beside him, looking concerned and relieved. Once Micael shook the dizziness out of his head and sat up a little painfully, he started talking.

"I'm sorry about everything I said. I was stupid. I can only think that it scared me to think—well, you know, I've always seen our relationship as kind of…indestructible. I've always loved you, and you've always tolerated me. But if things can change between us, then they can just as easily change for worse as for better, can't they? And if I ever really had you, that would mean that I could really lose you.

"But I'm not scared of any of that any more. When you were fighting that beast, I felt as if it was ripping my soul right out of me…but I saw you there. Fighting for me. And I knew that things couldn't end like this. My soul stayed right there, because it refused to leave you."

Micael felt a little dizzy again. He smiled at Filla. "Are we even now?"

He nodded.

"Then this is because I love you." Micael threw his arms around Filla and kissed him deeply and passionately. Then they both simply looked at each other, Micael smiling nervously as if surprised by his own boldness, Filla grinning unabashedly.

"You know, even if you factor in waking up to an army of screaming six-year-olds and nearly having my soul ripped out, this still works out to be one of the best days of my life."

"And it's not even over yet."

Filla shook his head. "You need professional help. Err, medically, that is."

He kissed his head, picked him up, and started walking to Wari's. "But don't think that I'm not going to stick around until you're all better."

Micael leaned back and thought to himself that, taking everything into account, this was one of the best days of his own life. So far.

Angels never came down,
There's no one here they want to hang around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all

Then one by one,

Angels would fall