Author: Kitsune-chan, with a huge amount of help from my brudder Tommy
Disclaimers: I don't own any of these characters. If you were to bother to press a lawsuit, sue my daddy, not me, because I don't own a penny.
Ratings: PG-13
Pairings: Oh lord
Warnings: Cursing up and down, many sexual references, some *SQUICK*, silliness, fluffy violence
Comments: I read the absolute greatest thing about a year and a half ago! It was The Bakuretsu Hunters Outtakes! I was crying and aching because I was laughing so hard. But I haven't read it in so long... If you've ever seen Bakuretsu Hunters, please oh please read this! The gifted authors of said fic are Harukami and Neko, and if you e-mail me, I can shuffle through my files and find the address where it's posted!

The Gundam Wing Outtakes!
*gasp*

Act 1: All that therapy *did* do some good!

The Scene: Relena toodles up to Heero's latest school in that damn pink limo of hers. She starts to get out, and then sits back.

Relena: "Hmm... Maybe Heero needs his space. I think I should leave him alone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 2: Let's hope there's not a sequel to this one

Heero: "All those stupid fanfic writers have it wrong about Relena and me, and then Duo and me! I have only one love!" {looks lovingly up at Doctor J, in whose arms he lies}

Duo: {smirking from Professor G's lap} "And they wonder why we each got our own scientist!"

Kitsune-chan: O.o {develops severe emotional trauma}

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 3: Gone With the Wing

Scene: Relena, dressed as a Southern belle, clutches desperately at Heero's dinner jacket.

Relena: "Heero, I love you!"

Heero: {looks away} "Frankly, Relena, I don't give a damn."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 4: Another long day in the safehouse

Duo: "Heero?"

Heero: ".... Yes?"

Duo: "Knock knock!"

Heero: "No."

Duo: {makes Bambi eyes} "Pleeeeeaaase?"

Heero: "No."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 5: When pacifists get pushed too far

Pargan: "Relena-san, the colonies are revolting!"

Relena: {bows her head for a moment, and then looks up with an evil gleam in her eye} "Bomb the bastards back to the Stone Age! Bwa ha ha!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 6: Okay, a more humane response...

Pargan: "Relena-san, the colonies are revolting!"

Relena: {mutters} "You can say that again..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 7: He'll regret this

Wufei: "I really get to room with Duo? Really really really?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 8: The day ain't getting any shorter

Duo: "Um... Heero?"

Heero: {cringes noticeably} "What?"

Duo: "Knock knock!"

Heero: "NO!"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 9: Now *that's* philosophy! Treize waxes poetic!

Treize: {stands elegantly among rose bushes} "Life... Is like a rose bush... You have to avoid the pricks..." [1]

Zechs: {smirks} "And yet, pricks could well be the best part of life." {goes down on Treize amongst the rose bushes}

Treize: "Mmm... Ohh... Ow! Dammit!"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 10: I'll call you for the divorce settlement

Scene: Rashid is standing at the front door of Quatre's mansion. He is holding a suitcase, and he shrugs a trenchcoat on and places his hat on his head.

Rashid: "That's *it*, Quatre! I'm sick and tired of your *crap*! I'm leaving, and I'm taking the Maganacs with me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 11: A day without end

Duo: "Hee-chan?"

Heero: {grits his teeth} "What?"

Duo: "Knock, knock."

Heero: {sighs a very long-suffering sigh} "...Who's there?"

Duo: "The Interrupting Cow!"

Heero: "Oh, no. Not this a-"

Duo: "MOO!"

Heero: "-gain."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 12: Cooking with Trowa

Scene: A kitchen. Trowa wears an apron with frills. He has various veggies in front of him, as well as a big knife.

Trowa: {holds up carrot and knife, demonstrating and explaining how to cut carrots into stars} "......."

Trowa: {holds up onion and knife, demonstrating and explaining how to cut onions into shapes that resemble flowers} "......."

Trowa: {holds celery and knife, begins to cut into hearts, but the knife slips and cuts his hand} "......!" (expletive deleted)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 13: Get me my pills, Louise!

Scene: In the middle of the night, in the middle of a trailer park, in the middle of America, Quatre wakes up, clutching his chest.

Quatre: "Oh! I'm having a space heart attack!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 14: Where's the funnel bra?

Scene: A stage. A spotlight turns on the center, where we see Relena in a long pale pink satin gown. The gown is sleeveless and has a sweetheart neckline. She wears long white gloves and many, many gaudy jewelry pieces. G-boys come on stage wearing tuxedos.

Relena: "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me, I think they're okay..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 15: Crash course in Japanese

Scene: Duo wanders out to where Wufei is sitting reading a book.

Duo: "Hey Wufei, did you know that I'm a 'baka yarou'?"

Wufei: {raises an eyebrow} "Yes I did. Who taught you that?"

Duo: {beams} "Heero did! I asked him how I could call myself an adorable guy in Japanese, and he told me!"

Wufei: {eyes widen} "So Yuy *does* have a sense of humor!" [2]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 16: The Name Game

Scene: Odin Lowe is sitting next to Heero. He drapes his arm over Heero's shoulder.

Odin: "So, Junior..."

Heero: "Don't call me Junior."

Odin: "What do you want me to call you?"

Heero: "Heero. Heero Yuy."

Odin: "Heero was the dog's name!"

Duo: "You named yourself after the dog?!"

Heero: "Omae o korosu." [3]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 17: Don't fall in the drink

Scene: A beautiful hot springs resort in China. Duo decides to take a dip in one of the pools.

Quatre: "No, don't Duo! These are the cursed springs of-"

Duo: {jumps in}

Quatre: "-Jusenkyou."

Duo: {crawls out} "Oink!" (translates roughly to, "Oh shit! I've been turned into a pig! What will this do to my sex life?!")

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 18: Bloopers from Conflicting Obsessions

Scene: Night club. Zechs is watching Duo dance, entranced. Duo is dancing ever so gracefully, swaying his hips softly and running his hands along his body.

Zechs: "He is *so* beautiful... a violet-eyed angel..."

Duo: {starts butt-dancing} "Dookie booty! Dookie booty!"

Kitsune-chan: "Cut! Cut! Duuuuo!"

Zechs: {rolls his eyes and takes a puff from his cigarette}

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 19: If only Heero let us paint him blue...

Scene: Duo, Trowa, Wufei, Quatre, and Relena are standing, watching with horror as Oz destroys a rainforest.

Relena: "This calls for drastic action! You guys know what to do!"

Quatre: "Let our powers combine!"

All: {raise their ring hands}

Quatre: "Earth!"

Duo: "Fire!"

Relena: "Wind!"

Wufei: "Water!"

Trowa: "Heart!"

Heero: {flies in from stage right, dressed in red spandex with a yellow earth-shape on his chest} "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

All: "Go Planet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 20: Heero's Laboratory

Scene: Heero is in his secret laboratory, upgrading his Gundam.

Duo: {dances into the room on his tiptoes, wearing a pink leotard with tutu and ballet slippers} "Heeeero?"

Heero: {with Russian accent} "What, Dee-dee, I mean, Duo?"

Duo: {inspects large red button that says, "MISSILE TO BLOW UP PLANET EARTH AND ALL THE COLONIES"} "What does thiiiiis button do?"

Heero: {still with Russian accent} "Do not touch it. It would blow us all to kingdom come."

Duo: "Oh." {stares at it for a moment. Pushes button}

Solar System: K A B O O M !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 21: Justifiable homicide

Scene: Heero is in his Gundam, looking down on Relena. She is looking up at him, begging him to come away with her, or at least kill her.

Relena: "Heero! I love you! Kill me!"

Heero: "Hn." {stomps Relena into the ground with Wing}

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 22: I'll take "Braided Bakas" for 200, Alex

Scene: Duo and Heero are competing in Final Jeopardy. Heero has $2,364 and Duo has $10.

Alex Trebek: "Category: Advertising. All right, for the winning score, tell me, 'When you bring out the Hellmann's, you bring out *blank*.' You can now write."

Heero and Duo: {both write, Duo's tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth, and Heero frowning in concentration while the music plays}

Alex Trebek: "The time is up! Show me what you said!"

Heero's screen: "What is 'the best'? Wager: $2,364"

Alex Trebek: "I'm sorry. That is incorrect."

Heero: {jaw drops} "Mission... *failed*?"

Duo's screen: "What is 'the mayonnaise'? Wager: $10"

Alex Trebek: "That is correct! You win!"

Duo: {parades around the stage, doing an obscene victory dance}

Heero: "Omae o korosu." [4]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 23: The day is not yet over

Duo: "Heero?"

Heero: "No! No! No more knock knock!"

Duo: {looks offended and hurt} "Why do you automatically assume that I was going to tell a knock knock joke! I am so hurt! You are so mean! What if I just wanted to talk to you? What if I just wanted to tell you I love you?"

Heero: {is taken aback, and looks apologetic} "I-I'm sorry. What did you want to say?"

Duo: "Knock knock!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Act 24: Who says you can't learn something from cartoons?

Scene: Wufei and Heero are toting guns, arguing about what they are supposed to be hunting. Duo watches, munching happily on popcorn.

Wufei: "Rabbit season!"

Heero: "Duck season!"

Wufei: "Rabbit season!"

Heero: "Duck season!"

Dorothy: {pops up from pocket space} "Duo season!"

Wufei and Heero: {turn and shoot Duo}


Oo-~Owari~-oO


[1] - This is my friend Sasha's favorite phrase. It's applicable, in my mind.
[2] - baka yarou = stupid bastard
[3] - Anyone recognize the reference?
[4] - Hellmann's Mayonnaise's slogan is "When you bring out the Hellmann's, you bring out the best!" Of course, one could also say, you bring out the mayonnaise, technically... This comes directly from my sister, who played this cruel joke on my best friend Hillary and me when we were little.

Author's notes: I had fun with this. My brother sat with me and helped me with Act 14 - 24 + Act 3. He is a funny guy. He also helped with Cinderquatre, so I have much for which to thank him. If you guys are unlucky, I'll do a sequel to this! Bwa ha ha! Please write to PeachCerise@aol.com! Thank you for reading!  --Kitsune-chan