Standard disclaimers apply.

To my dearest Heero,

I am crying as I write this. At least, tears are falling on the page. The pain has dulled over the years, but the love hasn't. You told me it was wrong, that it was pointless. You would never love me. Looking back on that night, the night I lost everything on which I had built my world, even my sanity, I cannot control the tears. Perhaps, if I hadn't witnessed your kiss with Relena, I could have gone on. I could have continued smiling, continued hiding the shattering taking place in my heart, triggered at your every word and expression. You were always the rash one, acting without thinking. But that night, the pain I thought existed only in sappy love stories possessed me, abandoning all reason. It screamed that maybe, maybe if you knew my feelings, you would return them. I didn't know I had gone too far until you stiffened, your expression blank. Without warning, I was flying backwards. As I hit the garden wall, the pain in my cheek registered. You glared at me, and then, more painful than any punch, you took *her* arm and left.

How could it be that I entirely misjudged every little gentle-seeming gesture? Was I so desperate that I interpreted something from nothing? I am foolish to even be writing this letter to you. Wufei told me that you fathered five boys by Relena. He said their names are Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Treize, and Zechs. I caught both his questioning look and your not-so-subtle hint. Why didn't you name one after me? Of course, I already know the answer. You may be satisfied. This adds another unbearable heartache to the set that has plagued me over the years.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if those two shots I fired when I first met you had been fatal hits. Would I be happy now, in love with someone else or at least not in love with you? Or would my life still be filled with the empty darkness from before I fell in love with you and after you broke my heart? Either way, I can't say I am stronger for my love. In stories, the bearer of unrequited love suffers but is benefited by the experience. What have I gained? Eight years of constant torment by regret and pained love, that's what. Every time I see a happy couple, I wish with my entire soul that I could experience that euphoria, even if only for a short while.

When I was little, I would sit in the rafters of Maxwell Church and daydream of the intense love one of the sisters had told me about. I didn't care who it was; I just wanted someone to give my heart to, who would give me theirs in return. What a laugh! God played His joke. He gave my heart to a trigger-happy psychopath. I should have backed out at the first signs, but I was so lonely. I squashed my discomfort at falling in love with another guy, but I trusted God and his judgement.

The night you broke my heart, Heero, you broke my faith in God. I don't doubt His existence, I doubt His benevolence. Ripping my only family away from me was merely a tragic occurrence of war. Even forcing me to love you entirely against my will would not be as cruel. But leading me, taking advantage of my loneliness, making me so willing to love you, that is the mark of a sadist. Not only does He get His satisfaction from my pain, but He makes it my fault for letting myself take the plunge. I should have known better from the start.

Quatre worries, you know. I'm not well. The bright, cheerful, wisecracking teenager died. He was shed with the long braid, cut by a shaking hand to the music of heartbroken sobs. I thought that maybe short hair would help me start new, help me cut off past ties and perhaps fall in love with someone else. I'll never really know, I only have some short months left.

I almost wish that my life would weigh on your conscience, once I am gone. I can see the future. I can see Quatre softly calling you to tell you. I can also see your indifferent expression. Relena will be more upset than you, not to say that she would lose sleep over it, or even more than a few breaths saying how young I was. How unfortunate that rheumatic fever can kill so easily, even in these times, and when did he develop rheumatic fever? You will shrug, wordlessly showing your lack of interest, and then ask her what will be for dinner. It is so pitiful to think of. As a girl in some movie I once saw said, "I would have liked to know someone who would cry when they bury me."[1]

But I don't suppose my pain matters to you. It sure as hell didn't eight years ago. Do you really love her? I'm sure she loves you, carrying five children for you. Tell me, if I had been born a woman, would I be the mother of your children, would you love me then? I don't think you would, isn't that sad.

Look at me now, my life has dissolved into regrets and pain over these last eight years. And I have only just worked up the courage to write this letter, even if I have to wait months to get the guts to send it.

I wrote my address on the envelope, without my name, as you will see when I finally get to send this. I thought that if you knew who it was from, you wouldn't bother to read it. I don't expect you to write back, I even doubt you will read this far. But please, even if you hate me forever, please remember that I will never stop loving you, not even after death. Yours will be the last name on my lips and you will be the last thought in my mind.

Yours in Heart and Soul Forever,

Duo Maxwell

"Hn."

Heero Yuy stared at the paper for a short while. It was fairly unfortunate that Duo had to go and confess his love. Duo was a good pilot, and Heero could almost tolerate him. If he hadn't been that stupid to interrupt Heero's kiss with Relena, the five pilots might have stuck together. But with Duo so hurt and Quatre mad at Heero for hurting him, it would not have worked out. How selfish of Duo.

The ringing of the phone interrupted his thoughts.

"Hello?"

"Heero, it's Quatre...," the blonde was clearly in shock, his voice sounded dreamy and drugged. "Duo's gone... Gone forever..."

"Hn," came the indifferent reply as the page and envelope drifted into the trash, forgotten.

-Owari-

Author's notes: [1]In case you were wondering, Yuzuriha says this in the X movie. Oh, and sorry about this. *sweatdrops* I got a little depressed (*Dammit*, Nathaniel!). Thought that if I'm upset, everyone else deserves to be. And there's nothing as good as Duo torture! Aside from Wufei torture... and Trowa torture... and Heero torture... Sorry, firm believer in mollie-coddling dear little Quatre ^_^. Any comments? Please send them to Suzaku1f@aol.com --Kitsune-chan