I Want You More Then Anything-part 5- by masamune

The rain keeps falling. It’s something that’s always amazed me, how nature can be so cold and unfeeling to the human emotions. No matter what a person can’t change the elements, at least not on Earth.

Trowa falls to a knee, his hand instinctively grasps at his chest, coming away holding his own blood. His bright emerald eyes shimmer, and he smiles faintly as his life slips away. I look down at him with no pity in my own eyes. I can’t pity the cold-hearted bastard that killed Duo, but silently I weep for the good friend and lover that I once knew.

His lips form a single word, "Maybe…" and then his eyes glaze over and he falls, his head making a sickening thud on the wet wooden pier. Nearby Quatre shakes and barely even looks up to see, he knows what happened, and knows there’s nothing he can do now.

I can only help but glance at Trowa’s figure, face down a small pool of blood beginning to form underneath him. Its confusing sometimes, the way your mind thinks about so many things at once can think so many different and contradictory ways. Part of me weeps for Trowa, maybe it was my fault, maybe I shouldn’t have just brushed him off when the war ended. Maybe it’s really all my fault that Duo died.

But that’s the bottom line isn’t it? When all’s set and done and the blame’s placed on someone, or something Duo will always be gone. Nothing, not even killing Trowa can bring him back to me.

I look up at the unyielding clouds above as if almost to ask God himself, should such a being exist, the same question that countless men and women have asked and will ask forever. Why?

Once in some logic course in some school I enrolled in as cover for my missions as a Gundam pilot my instructor gave me an example of a logic problem. God is supposed to be all-knowing, all-powerful and all-benevolent. But still there is evil and suffering in the world. Therefore God either lacks the knowledge of this evil or the power to stop this evil or perhaps he's just not such a gracious all mighty being. Therefore proving that no such god exists. So to whom am I asking this question to?

Hn, well if there’s a God or not doesn’t matter much. I’ve lost the most valuable person in my life, and in turn taken the life of one of my best friends. So now there’s only one question, what now?

Standing here in the rain I find myself reflecting. I’ve not even been alive for two decades yet it seems like there’s been so much. My father, Dr. J, training for Operation Meteor. All of that just seems to be a dark, desolate dream, a dream I lived once and it seems so long ago.

Honestly the only thing that I can recall clearly are the days as a Gundam pilot, the war, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Zechs, the peace after White Fang failed, the chaos that the Barton foundation brought again and then the past year that I lived with Duo. It seems that in a few short years I’ve lived a million lives, I know I’ve taken about that many. But looking back I can’t imagine my life without Duo.

For a while I tried to hide my feelings, partly because I wasn’t too sure about them. But time unveiled my real emotions and I was drawn close to him. And I was lighter than air when I found out that he felt the same way towards me.

But Trowa, damn you Trowa. You just had to break that peace. You just had to shatter my dreams, and break my will. I can’t remember crying since being a very young boy. But I broke down and wept, wept because there was nothing I could do. I’ve lost the most important person in my life, the center of my life. Honestly, without Duo my phantoms would have caught up to me and choked me into my own death. He was the very breath that kept me going, the only thing I had.

A loud clap of thunder breaks my thought and once again I’m back, on a pier, still holding my gun limply at my side. I turn around and walk over to where Quatre is, standing, swaying in the wind like a broken doll, sobbing. He looks at me with eyes that could make rocks cry, but I’ve no tears left to shed. I take hold of him for a moment and he eventually buries his face in my shoulder, crying and sobbing uncontrollably again. Trowa was absolutely right, he doesn’t deserve this pain. But men will always be men and one’s emotions can only be changed if one allows them to be.

"Listen to me Quatre," I say, surprised to find my voice devoid of any feeling. "I know how hard it is for you now. I can’t do very much about it. Please understand though, it’s all I could do."

I sound so lame. The cheering up bit was always Quatre’s forte, not mine. Sirens echo through the rain and I know that somebody probably heard the gunshot. So it leaves me little time, little option.

I let go of Quatre and he tries to compose himself, but I see his gaze break from my eyes and glance at the fallen figure of Trowa. And he breaks down in tears again. There are so many things I want to say Quatre, so many things I should do. But I’ve only got time for one thing.

What do I do now? Go to jail? Try to pick up the broken pieces of my life? No, Duo’s dead and I can’t bring him back. I’ve only got one option left.

The clouds break and a small bit of sunlight falls, illuminating the grassy hills and the wooden pier. Other then the approaching police vehicles and the bloody sight of Trowa behind me it would be a beautiful day.

"Duo," I whisper, and for a moment he’s there before me, holding out his arms for me. Telling me he loves me and making everything right again. "I want you more then anything else."

So I have one option left. I shake my head and the vision disappears, just another phantom, but only a reminder. I take one last look at the sky, then at Quatre. Then I finally look behind me to Trowa, funny, the rains washed away quite a bit of the blood. And then I raise the gun to my temple and swallow hard.

~owari