You didn't want me.

I knew that no one would ever be interested in me.

I'm too something that isn't what someone wants.

And I would have been ok, living my life like I have been.  Pretending to not be bothered.  Pretending that I'm really happy being alone and having to cry myself to sleep at night wondering if I'll ever find someone for me.

Until you came along.

You and your...your self.

You made me want you in ways I never wanted to want anyone.

I'm too afraid of being hurt and torn and caring too much about someone that will just leave me like everyone else does anyway.

I've grown so bitter.

And with you I thought maybe I would have a chance.

Where I could stop my crazed paranoia that I'm just not good enough.

That I can't be the "someone better" in a person's life.

But you.

You came along and for so long all I could think about is wanting you and having you.

But you don't want me.

You played with me like all the others I knew would have.

You made me smile and be happy and fuck you.

I regret ever being a part of you.

You NEVER WANTED ME.

Something inside my head crashed, something sharp that grounded into my skull.

You never wanted me and I believed you had!

All those happy kisses.

All those gentle touches.

They were lies in disguise and I never saw through them.

Here I am, being happy, something that I knew I would never get.  But you came along and I thought you had proved me better.

I stopped the cutting.  The scars along my arm were healing.

I stopped the pills that I took when I thought I needed help to stop crying or sleeping. 

I thought that I was finally reaching that point of being something...so happy.

But you never wanted me.

This was all a lie.

Oh god.

I had believed you when you said you loved me.

I had believed you when you said that I was the best thing to ever happen to you.

I believed you when you told me all those lies about me being beautiful, about me being smart, about me being someone good inside.

BUT THEY WERE ALL LIES.

The sharp little points in my head started to make me bleed inside.

I felt it burn as it flew through my veins.

My fingers flexed.

I could get back at you.

Oh yes.

I can sneak into your yard, spy into your room.  Watch you as you fuck whatever thing you picked up after me.  As you tell them the same lies.

I could get back at you.

The corner of my eyelid started to twitch.

I could get back at you.

Oh.

I will get back at you.







The End
You Never Wanted Me