My palm smells of the medication I handled, the bright pink pills that I spilled out into my hand.  Just to stare at.

To see.

This is where my life is going.

Into this spiral that never seems to move.

I just spin.

I cupped my hand to my mouth, tasting the powder of the pills with my tongue.  The bitterness that filled my mouth made me want to cry.

I had trusted you.

I had trusted you to make me better.

But no, you played with my insecurities, trying to turn me into something that you knew I did not want to be. 

Something that I was entirely afraid of becoming.

I licked my palm again.

I told you things I would not, could not tell others.

I tried to be truthful, but you make me feel like such a lie.

I squinted at my hand, pink stains were lying in the lines of my palm.

I did not want to be this lie anymore.

I wanted to feel as if it were ok to be myself.

I don't like this nasty feeling of being left out, of having to be different for each and every person. 

Of not fitting in to a place that I used to feel I belonged.

I thought you could help me with this.

But everything I trusted with you used.

You used me in so many ways.

I picked one of the pills out of the plastic container and licked it.  Hating the taste.  But the promise of what it would bring me making me happy.

Sometimes I would take too many to forget you ever existed in my mind.

Sometimes I wouldn't take any so that I could remember the pain that you've caused me.

You've twisted up my insides.

You've pulled and tugged and ruined me.

You have no regrets.  Because you don't know.

But I can't tell you, because I don't want to lose you.

I sucked the pill into my mouth and chewed on it slowly, the taste hurting.

I would suffer through this, through you, for us, for you.

I would hide all the things that you are making me feel from you.

I would pretend that everything is well and good.

I couldn't do anything to hurt you, even though you can easily turn and tear me to pieces with your hands and your biting words.

I have no choice but to be this lie you want me to be, because I cannot and will not lose.

I swallowed.

These pills...they taste like you.





The End
Pink PillsAnd You
            by: V (the drama queen)