It was a dark and stormy night and the rain was coming down in stinging, blinding sheets.

I didn't know where I had come from.

Or where I was going.

And yet, everything looked the same, though, so different.

And then I snapped back to reality.

To the dark bedroom in which I lie.

To the smell and feel of the cold air.

I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

I knew what it meant.

I knew that it stood for my indecision and for my future.

I knew that I had my choice to fuck this all up or to make myself happy.

There were so many things that I wished I could say to so many different people.  To the people of my past whom I hardly speak to anymore, but whose memory is always there.  And to the people of my present.  The people that I care for here and now, the people that could hurt me the most. 

I wanted to say so many things.

But I just couldn't.

I sat up in my bed, fixing my eyes on the moonlight that had managed to sneak through a bent blind over my window.

There were also so many things I wanted to do.  So many things that I want to accomplish and fix but may never, or have lost the chance to do so.

So many things.

I shifted my legs and scratched my side.

Sometimes I feel empty.  As if maybe my hopes I have set are too high for someone like me.

Someone like me.

Someone so depressed and so dramatic that it seemed a waste to even pretend that I could do something beyond what I have at the moment.

And yet I have such a need.

To end up there.

But permanently.

I live off the memories and dreams.  Off the scenarios that I create in my mind that satisfy my urge to get up and leave with nothing in my hands and nothing in my pockets.  I remember the lights and the sounds and all the things that made it the best place and the one place that I hoped and wished that I could be.

There are so many people that I wish I could take with me.  To have them forever next to my side.  But I know that's something that will never happen, that people have their own plans. And they also have their owns fears as well as their own worries that inhibit them to do what the so wish to.

I'm glad I'm not like that.

I crave too much to be gone, that I do not give a second thought to what may go wrong.

And yet I have another need.

To be so insanely happy that I will never regret anything in my life again.

Whether it be with someone or by myself, I want so badly to have that amount of happiness. 

I want to be able to wake up every morning and not think about what it would be like if I were gone, if I would be happier.  If others would be happier because they would need not have to worry about whether I'm healthy or happy.

I want to feel truly cared about without having to worry that everything I have now is actually fake and just people's attempt at a good deed during their life.  As if their mindset is to make me happy and feel as if I am loved and cared for.  I may not need the love that so many others dream of during their lives, to be happy with that one person and to have a set life in which nothing will go wrong in their relationship.  But I do need something.  Maybe not as strong.

But something.

I leaned back against my wall, trying to ignore the sting in my nose and my eyes as I held back from crying.

Maybe I'm just crazy to think I can do these things.

Maybe I'm just crazy to think I can live without unconditional love.

But I can always pretend.

Can't I?





The End
Reality Is Always Only A Few Steps Away
                                   by: V
yay.  i can rant eloquently.