| --------- I rolled over onto my stomach, my hands hanging off of the mattress. My chin rested on the pillow and I blinked. I was rewinding my day again, picking at the things that I'd done. I closed my eyes as I felt the cold looks, whispers, and sideways glances wash over me again. The awkward silence adn the barely there sound of me struggling to fit anywhere with anyone. I rolled onto my side, bringing my knees up. I picked at the fraying hole in my jeans, I didn't want me to come out so stupid to everyone. I swallowed back the burn in my eyes and hugged the other pillow to my chests. There was this undescribable need to apologize for everything that I say and do. I don't know how to act anymore...how to speak. Why can't I just be me? I feel as if I'm always on some stage being glared at above. It's like, everyone wants me to be so much like them and never like myself. I'm second best and I don't want to be in that place anymore. I curled my hands into my hair, the bottom of my palms pressed into my eyelids. The pillow slumped down and I sighed. I don't want to be something so different that I'm criticized at every moment. I sat up. I was not going to play the back-up friend anymore, the smart one, or the sex freak! I was going to play me. Just me. I went limp and fell back, my eyes catching on the glow in-the dark star that I'd tacked onto the peeling ceiling. Who was I trying to kid? (Myself, that's who.) I knew that I would conform with what everyone else wants me to be. Because it does hurt in the aftermath of people's opinions. I know that I shouldn't take them seriously, but sometimes, I put myself into their heads and I can imagine all the mean and dirty things they think about me when they see me and look down upon me. I hate being stupid. I hate no one being able to really stand me. I hate never being good enough. I feel as if everytime I am myself, it embarass everyone. All those hard, cold insults behind the laughter that I never know is real or not. The 'you go the extra mile.' The silence. I raised my fist to my mouth, hearing myself whimper around my knuckles. Oh god, the silence. That's the worst, when no one responds when all they do is stare with their insulting eyes and harmful thoughts fly so loudly through the air without anything being said. I moaned. Oh how it hurt to be in this position. I just wanted someone who'll like me for me dammit! I want someone like me. ... Just like they do. I'm just like another one of them hurting in exactly the same way. So... Why can't they just let me in and we can hurt together? --------- the end |
| Rewinding the Day by V |