| I sit here and stare down at the blank sheet of paper in front of me. You may be gone. But you're going to help me out of this place. You may have abandoned all of us, but you will help me find my way out. I closed my eyes and pictured you in my head. I reached for my pen and began to write. Nothing will ever erase these memories of you that I will hold in myself for the rest of my life. There is no end to how much I care for and miss you. I stopped. Suddenly everything that I was planning began to fall to pieces in my mind. Was it really worth it to do this? To do this without you still around? You've gone without us. It's like you forgot that we existed and so selfishly left us in this place so equal to that of an imaginary place called Hell. You've left this gaping hole inside of our hearts, and you might not even know it so. I scratched a small hole into the edge of the paper. I sucked in a breath. There will be nothing that I will try to so hard to accomplish in my life again. Nothing as big as what I want you to help me with. I bet you would have never know that I would want to do this with you as my motivation. But now that you're gone... If you were here would I be able to do this? Would I try this hard to get what I want so badly? It made me sad to think that without you going, I would never have had this strive to do what I want. That I would have put off to the last minute what I've been talking about since three years back. The one thing that matters to me now. I'm almost glad that you've gone and given me this chance. You will never know what you have done for me in this moment of depression and pain. You will never get to see or understand that you have allowed me my chance to finally be on my way to everything that I can hope for now. I looked over my shoulder to your name on my door. The fifteen minutes I spent trying to put you somewhere no one will ever forget. I feel so alone without you. Even not knowing you as well as the others did I still feel like I have lost everyone. And everything. And so I do this with you in mind now, I start my plan. I start with you in my mind and in my heart and in all those places that hide within my body. You have found your way into the tiny spaces of myself that I didn't think existed. You've become the pain that I somehow look forward to feeling. As weird as that may be. I stroked the laminated plastic over your face and smiled to myself. You bastard. You jerk. How dare you think you can leave. I twirled my pen in my fingers, closing my eyes to the sound of the music coming from the one speaker of my computer. I can only begin to imagine the time it will take for me to complete this. To make it to my goal and finally be out of here. With your help. It's painfully sad that you'll never see the moment when I go. When I am finally able to escape with your help. With your face so close to me. Embedded all over me on the inside. I hear your voice in my head and I see your smile when I close my eyes. It doesn't take much effort. I guess because the hurt is so fresh, so new. So...right there on the inside that I can almost reach into myself and touch it. I put down my pen and buried my face in my hands, pressing my palms to my eyelids until I saw sparks. I could cry some more over you. But that won't do anything. You've up and gone already. Jerk. Punk. I picked the pen back up. I play with the memories I have of you. The few, but they still mean more to me as of now than any other memory I have. You left this unforgettable impression on me that I am grateful and cursed to have. Had you never met me, would I be ok now? Would I be able to go on with my life and not have to stop every few minutes to imagine what you would be doing now? What you would be saying? What you would be laughing about? A sigh. And this is where I end this. Where I wrap up what I want to say. What you'll never know. What many will never know. I am using you. Using you. You are my motivation. My faith pushing me slightly forward. You're my desperation to complete what I want to complete. You are my hope. My excitement. And most of all, you are my only way out. I have no one but you and myself to do this for. And I will expect so much of you, even though you aren't here to know it. All I need is your face. Your memory and I can do what I set out to do. Who knows what else you may do for me without ever knowing? You might be the push I need to go for that one job. The push to talk to my family again. The push to finally tell that one person what I feel. And even though you have become this unfixable hurt inside me that tears at me...you've also become so much now that you've gone. Thank you. The End |
| Thank You by: V |