On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"
It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby's ready to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he gets to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Three couples are in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the first couple, "Sorry, I can't let you in." "Why not?" asked the husband. "Because all the two of you ever cared about was drinking. "You were either stone drunk or hung over. "You didn't have a sober day in your marriage." said St. Peter. "That's not true!" pleaded the couple. "Really, now." said St. Peter. "What's your wife's name?" "Sherry.", said the man "See, you even married a woman named after a drink!" said St. Peter just as he released a trap door, sending them straight down to hell. Then he a told the second couple they couldn't get in to Heaven, either. "Why not?" asked the second husband. "Because all you ever cared about was making money, and you didn't care how you did it. You would cheat anybody, anytime to make your fortune." said St. Peter. "You even cheated your own brothers and sisters out of their inheritance!" "That's not true!" pleaded the husband. "Oh, really?" queried St. Peter "What's your wife's name?" "Penny." said the husband. "See?" said St. Peter "You even have wife named after money." At which point he released the trap door sending them down to hell. The third husband, in dismay, said to his wife, "Gee whiz, Fanny. I don't think we stand a chance!"