One-Eyed Jack: The 100% True Biography As written by someone who most assuredly is not Jack himself.
			One-Eyed Jack was spawned into the world during the height of the disco era. Indeed, he was not born as most people are, but rather strolled out of his mother’s womb, fully grown and clothed, with a bottle of the finest Polish Vodka in one hand, a .357 Magnum revolver in the other. He spent the first seven days of his life contemplating existence in the presence of the Dalai Lama, before being exiled for meditating too fervently. He then spent the next seven days of his life engaging in non-stop tantric sex with every female member of the Monegasque Royal Family. Fleeing the ire of the Royal Family’s assassins, Jack went into hiding in Greece, where he was contacted by the Pagan god Zeus. Jack engaged Zeus in a deeply philosophical conversation, eventually convincing the god on the advantages of monotheism and inspiring Zeus to gather his extended mythological family into his station wagon and leave Earth forever. Soon after, Jack’s hiding place was discovered by Interpol investigators, and he was forcefully recruited into their ranks of international peacekeepers. Trained as an assassin, he was responsible for the deaths of nearly a hundred high ranking officials and politicians with terrorist connections or offensively bad haircuts. Jack tired of the killing, and eventually deserted the agency to take up tulip breeding in Holland. Tulip breeding, he quickly realized, was incredibly fucking boring, so he abandoned the trade and instead wasted his life savings on the prostitutes of Amsterdam. Broke and suffering from countless undocumented maladies, Jack then turned to piracy on the high seas. After only a week, Jack had cut enough throats to become the captain of his own ship, which he lovingly christened “The Stupid Fucking Boat”. It was here, after a horrible grapefruit accident, that Jack received his nickname of One-Eyed Jack. Unfortunately, the fate of TSFB was not a favorable one, and Jack and his crew were captured by limeys just outside of Bermuda. Sentenced to death by hanging, Jack somehow survived by flexing his neck muscles really, really hard, pretending he was dead, then chewing his way out of his coffin and through six feet of earth. Once again a free man, Jack swam from Bermuda back to the place of his birth in America. There, he was recruited by the New York Yankees and played one full season in pinstripes. He hit .507 with 84 home runs and 238 RBIs, despite his obvious lack of depth perception. Holding the noble history of baseball in high regard, Jack felt guilty about destroying every know record in the sport, and went on a personal journey to wipe his own records from all known memories or histories. It resulted in the killing of millions of innocent people, but such was an acceptable cost in preserving the sanctity of baseball. It was then that Jack decided he had seen enough of the Earth, and hitched a ride to the moon by wedging himself into the exhaust duct of the solid booster rocket of the NASA space shuttle. It turned out to be an ill-fated plan, however, as Jack’s favorite pair of suede moccasins were instantly incinerated during take-off. Landing upon the moon, completely shoeless, Jack flew into a blind rage and proceeded to punch his fist into the surface of Earth’s biggest satellite, creating the numerous depressions commonly misclassified as “craters”. After his rage had cooled, Jack decided to challenge himself to a spirited match of hop-scotch, only to accidentally jump too high and launch himself out of the moon’s orbit. After drifting through space for many years, Jack was caught in the massive gravitational pull of a singularity - The mythical black hole. To Be Continued…