Not All Conflict Is Negative
"This article is used by permission from Dr. Dan Reiland's free monthly e-newsletter"
'The Pastor's Coach' available at www.INJOY.com."
While growing up as a young boy, my mom would always say, "Eat your vegetables first,
they are good for you." I didn't like them then, and I still don't, but she was right. There
are some things in life that we don't like, but they are still good for us. I personally don't
wake up in the morning thinking, "I can't wait to have a big bowl of conflict for breakfast."
Actually, I don't know anyone whose elevator goes all the way to the top who does. No one
likes conflict. Yet every leader is faced with it on a regular basis. Some face minimal conflict,
others face horrific conflict, but none escape.
Our attitude toward conflict shapes how we as leaders handle conflict. What is your initial
attitude toward conflict? Is it dread? Denial? Maybe fear? Perhaps, "What a hassle!" How
about procrastination or deflection? ("Let someone else handle it.") Or do you accept conflict
as a natural part of life, not preferred, but part of the reality of leadership and choose to use it
as a tool for growth and progress? The last response is the wise and healthy response, but also
the most difficult.
Misconceptions about conflict do you a disservice when it comes to seeing the value in conflict
and attaining resolution.
One misconception is that all conflict is negative.
There are many forms of conflict from Supreme Court issues to scientific debate to methods of child
rearing between loving parents that sharpen all of us and develop us as people. Admittedly, there is
a difference between disagreement and conflict. It is, however, a fine line and something as subjective
as an individual's personality may cause one person to view a situation as a simple disagreement and
another to view the same situation as conflict. Whichever end of the spectrum you are at, and whether
or not you perceive it as negative or positive strongly shapes how you handle it. If you perceive it as negative,
you may attempt to do anything to avoid it or get out of it as soon as possible. If you see it as positive,
not enjoying it, but embracing the potential for growth, you will have a completely different approach
and outcome.
Another misconception is that people are always hurt by conflict.
That is not true. It is similar to going to the dentist. I find no joy whatsoever in going to my dentist,
but the long-term results are positive and in my best interest. One of the things I thoroughly enjoy is
deep theological discussion. Not that I'm wise or profound, actually more the opposite, but I am a
good student and I love to learn. Tension can mount quickly over their theological convictions, but
as a result of some of the most difficult conversations, I have learned the most. If I had beefed up
my defenses, stopped listening, and launched an attack, I may have felt victorious, but I would
have learned nothing.
A third misconception is that people are too fragile to handle conflict.
Someone once said, "Without conflict, there would be no New Testament." The narrative of Jesus' life
throughout the gospels is packed with conflict. The Bible in general is loaded with conflict, problems
and solutions, and human dilemmas. God has designed us in such a way that we can handle it, but He
doesn't want us to handle it on our own. He wants us to engage with Him, and work together to find what
He has in mind. An example is how He wanted Joseph to engage with Him. Reflect with me briefly on a
favorite Old Testament story:
"Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age;
and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than
any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. Joseph had a dream, and when he told
it to his brothers, they hated him all the more." (Genesis 37:3-5)
The dream was about Joseph's brothers bowing down to him. (You have to wonder why on earth Joseph felt
compelled to share this dream since they already hated him!) From that point on, his brothers nicknamed him
"the dreamer."
Jacob sends Joseph on an errand to Shechem where his brothers were feeding the flock. When they saw him
coming they knew it was their chance to kill him. Their jealousy was out of control. Reuben was the only
brother who didn't want to kill Joseph so he convinced them to throw Joseph into a pit, and leave him to die.
(Reuben planned to rescue him later.) As they were leaving the pit, the brothers saw a caravan of Ishmaelites
coming toward them. Judah had the bright idea to sell Joseph to them and make some money. He reasoned they
would have a clear conscience plus they'd make a little profit too.
Try to put yourself in the pit with Joseph. What would you be thinking? This was just the beginning of a lifetime
of inequities that Joseph would face. Potiphar's wife seduced him and falsely accused him. He was put in prison
and forgotten until he was needed to interpret Pharaoh's dream. After successfully interpreting the dream, Pharaoh
set Joseph over all the land of Egypt. (Genesis 41:41) Wherever he was given responsibility Joseph always carried
out his duties with excellence "and whatever he did, the Lord made it prosper." (Genesis 39:23)
From the pit to the palace, Joseph never lost sight of who was in control of his circumstances. He eventually had
the choice to retaliate against his brothers or literally save their lives from starving to death. In a remarkable scene,
Joseph chose to forgive them and reminded them of Who is in control. "And now, do not be distressed and do not
be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you."
(Genesis 45:5)
Joseph saw the value in conflict firsthand. There is no doubt he disliked the pit and being in prison. I'm certain he
was deeply hurt by his brothers' abandonment, and likely wondered on occasion, "What is the point of all this?"
But, in the end he saw God's plan and the value became clear.
Take a look with me at the good that can come from conflict.
Conflict helps you discover the real you and the strength of your character.
Steven Spielberg directed many of the best films of the nineties. One of the most powerful was Schindler's List.
The hellish pressure the Jews endured was unfathomable. My wife, Patti, and I visited the Holocaust Museum in
Israel, and couldn't speak for two hours afterwards. The stories that have been captured on video reveal the
remarkable strength and character of those who survived.
Most of us will never be tested in such a dramatic way. But life has its way of testing us in everyday ways as well.
How do you react when someone cuts you off while driving? What about when you receive an angry letter from
someone in your church? Or how do you react when you discover your teenager has been spending their church
offering money at the local coffee shop? Your response reveals much about the real you. How little or how much
it takes to upset you gives great insights to your character. How quickly you pursue positive solutions and
forgiveness and how slow you are to anger tells a significant story. We have much to learn from conflict.
Conflict often serves as the crucible of a new and better way.
Some time ago now, Peter Jennings narrated an ABC special titled The Century: America's Time. The documentary
did an excellent job portraying our country's story over a 100 year span of time, hitting the joys and sorrows,
victories and defeats. One scene sticks with me of a WWI veteran's personal story. Sitting in his chair, the old man
said with great passion, "Nobody wins in a war. The Germans lost, but we didn't win. There must be a better way."
This man saw, from the front lines, one of history's ugliest wars in which 9 million lives were lost. And his response
was to say that there must be a better way. Conflict forces us to find a better way. When we do, life is better. When
we don't, history repeats itself. Jesus' message was about a different way, a better way, the only way, and the birth
of Christianity emerged from conflict. Your church carries on that heritage. Very few things of great value come
without a price.
Conflict helps you discover who your friends are.
Joseph had one brother, Reuben, who was the closest of his brothers to being a friend. But even Reuben let Joseph
down. Conflict will quickly let you know who you can count on and who will be by your side when the going gets
tough. Few things are more valuable than knowing who you can trust. Take a moment now and make a list of who
those people are in your life. What are their names? Pray for them. Write them a note thanking them for their
friendship.
Conflict gives non-Christians a chance to see a different way of living.
This is an exciting opportunity to let those who don't know Jesus in a personal way to see the truth and relevance of
His existence. A young single mom rear-ended a middle-aged couple in the parking lot of a local grocery store.
It was clearly her fault. She was leaning over to give her baby a bottle and took her eyes off the road. The cars
weren't moving fast, so no one was hurt, but unfortunately there was much damage to the little Toyota the couple
was driving. The young mom was afraid to get out of her car thinking these people would be irate. Instead, the first
response of the couple was: "Are you all right?" Upon seeing the baby, they offered to hold the child while the
mother regained her composure. The young mom was blown away. She ended up attending the couple's church
three weeks later and hasn't missed a Sunday since.
Conflict allows you to see how capable God is.
Joseph understood that God was God and he was not! He knew that the One who spoke the worlds into being and
sustains the entire universe could be trusted with his future. Joseph believed God was good all the time, no matter
what the circumstances - trapped in a pit, seduced by the boss's wife, forsaken in a jail. "Will the clay say to the
Potter, what are you doing?" (Isaiah 45:9)
Sometimes God allows us to see a glimpse of the big picture. When the famine came Joseph began to see the
pieces of the puzzle fall into place. God positioned him in a place of authority to be able to serve his family. When
we don't understand God's hand, we must trust His character. He, alone, is worthy of our trust.
Now that you've studied five points of value that come from conflict, why don't you take a little break and treat
yourself to a bowl of vegetables? You deserve it!