Olaf Johnson

ANGELS IN HELL

I came to the end of the hallway and entered the open doorway. The guys were already sprawled out lazily on the large white leather sofas the lounge. Springer was showing on the large screen that floated inside a fluffy frame of clouds. I sighed, collapsing onto my own sofa as I joined them in our daily worship of talk show carnage. It was far from much to do but this was the afterlife and Heaven wasn't popular for offering much to do. One soon discovers it's an eternity inside a library filled with prayer books and cold empty clouds. I've been here almost two centuries now and I still haven't seen the IO. Actually I am referring to what I called God. There is no God. At least one that you can see to shake his or her hand. It doesn't exist like I used to think before I died. We call God the Infinite One or IO for short. Although it took on a variety of human shapes during the creation of the solar system the IO is nothing like we are. And we are nothing like it. The IO is best described not as an entity but as a time and place where the conscious of the universe currently exists. The IO is a part of us all and we a part of it. Right now this IO is away on business at the end of our universe creating planets for new Adams and Eves. I understood, when I arrived here, that it left a short while after Earth was created. It moved on after fixing up Heaven for us who believed in it and kicking out Lucifer who renamed himself Satan for advertising reasons. The history says that he had a creative disagreement with the IO concerning landscaping. Lucifer wanted more red light bulbs and fewer clouds; he had also insulted the great one in such away no one dared to repeat it. So Lucifer, the second most powerful at that time, was defeated and ostracized by the IO. Although some still whisper inside dense clouds of backroom conversations that Lucifer willingly left to create his own afterlife "resort".

Anyway, so the IO was gone when I arrived and this excited me in the same way that one feels upon visiting Buckingham palace to discover that the queen is missing-in-action and her royal guards are all on vacation. Imagine the sheer glee one would struggle to control from having complete liberty to roam and romp through the fairytale rooms said to be filled with endless hills of royal treasures. This is how I felt when I heard the big boss was not home. Eternal freedom to run amok through heaven in any form or fashion I desired. Tragically this fantasy and all plans I had were soon undone when I realized that there was a set of rules established by a group of geeky politicians the IO left behind for organizing things. What further depressed me was the fact that these guys were supposed to be the great angels I had always heard about in church.

So here I was looking up along the tall spears of the golden gates as St. Peter stamped the word Catholic on the back of my hand. I first inquired about wings but was told by the over glorified security guard himself that wings were only reserved for the original angels, who were also the politicians for the different states here in heaven. Imagine my further disappointment from this news. I was not to spend eternity flying around playing harps.

Wingless, I was to be sent to the Roman Catholic State because it was my faith during my human life. I attempted to ask what the other States were for but he ignored me slapping a pale little halo on my head and shoving me inside, buck-naked, towards a group of other dazzled, and also naked, newcomers. I approached a taller guy about my age that soon told me we were about to be given a tour. The only thing that amazed me so far was that phosphorescently white everything was. An older guy with wings and a long, white beard ordered us to follow him before he began explaining what he called a list of rules and ideals for staying in Heaven. I felt like a freshman in high school again only this time I showed up for the first day of the rest of my existence naked. He went on to say that Heaven was divided into different islands, called States, that catered to populations of individuals who all followed the same religion. As he spoke he handed out silky white robes for us to wear.

We soon traveled up some hills to a ridge of clouds that supported our entities much like the ground on earth. Below, on the other side of the ridge, a vista before us expanded into and endless stretch of sky blueness speckled here and there with islands that resembled white puffs of cotton candy. These were the religion States, hundreds of them, each ran by a group of angel-politicians. They were States for Jews, Adventists, Mormons, Pentecostal, Muslims, Catholics, the whole variety of Protestant religions, and some others I quickly forgot. I smiled for the first time since my death when I heard the Catholic State which seem to float above the others was the greater and largest of them all. All the states, however, were more or less similar in facilities and purpose. One was free to move about inside their States. The groups that arrived were usually placed to reside in large white apartment-like buildings that made up a greater part of the State. Over time people moved out of them for homes or other facilities as they reunited with family members or lost companions. My wife of 25 years was of the Baptist faith and I smiled again when I came to realize I might not see her for the rest of eternity. There was no electricity for power, running water to enjoy, stores or large streets for cars that weren't here. It made sense since we did not need food, drinks, or showers. Neighborhoods were all uniformly white buildings or houses connected by a network of small streets and footpaths. I've been with my residence since I came. The taller guy, Leroy, who I first met from my tour group has become one of best friends here. When we found out that transmission signals from earth crossed over to our zone he came up with the idea of building a television that ran on solar power. I took us about 50 years to gather spare parts from and another 5 decades to make it work. It only received stuff from one channel for a few hours at a time. Because of this what only showed was an American talk show we all loved because it killed the boredom of our task-less lives. Over time two other guys who moved in and were much like us in age and girth joined our little circle.

We were all engulfed in a lesbian love triangle topic shortly after I sat down with them

when Juan got an idea.

"Let's get out of here," He said with a sudden enthusiasm I haven't seen or expressed in years. His halo even begun to brighten from it's cheap paleness.

"And go to the talk show. Are you insane?" John, the most sensible of us, stated obviously irritated by the sudden interruption. The girls on the screen were about to fight.

"No, get out of here and go," He paused carefully looking at the closed door and came closer to us lowering his voice. "Go to Hell."

"You are insane," I spoke now trying to return my attention to the fight.

"Listen, we all heard the old rumor that Hell is nothing like the Bible or the politicians says. It's a magnificent party for all the sinless atheist who now make up more than half the human population. Two centuries ago when you guys died, most atheists were criminals and crazies, but nowadays look at the television they are regular working people who are too busy to care. I used to hear that Lucifer left here to create a different heaven, a modern place, for all the liberal souls who were rejected by the politicians. And considering their taste the population down there must be better than we are." We looked at him. I was beginning to wonder how he got into heaven in the first place.

"Listen guys, a while back I came across a conversation between two friends I knew and one was saying he heard that Hell is actually like an eternal party. I had serious doubts when I head this and proceeded to question him thoroughly. The descriptions he had were uncanny."

"Hell," Leroy was now laughing after the minute of silence which followed Juan's revelation. "The theme of Hell as one big party, that is funny, I'll be laughing for the rest of the century"

"That's good stuff Juan," I chimed in buried in uncontrollable laughter. John, who remained silent, stared at Juan with wide eyes. I asked him what was wrong but, ignoring me, he inquired the names of the friends Juan spoke off. When Juan told him he only nodded. They rest of us stopped laughing.

"I over heard a similar conversation recently in front of the building across the street." He said. We all stared at him silently. It was true then, what Juan had heard. Leroy asked Juan to repeat the uncanny details he had heard. It was a beautiful description that I could only repeat after seeing such a place for myself. I returned to my room later with wild thoughts blooming in my in my head like spring flowers. We had to go. I became upset from reflecting on my lifetime of devotion to the IO, and this was all I received; an eternity of doing service for dictator-angels and editing scriptures. I wanted more, I wanted to live again and if life was in this nightclub world called Hell I would have to go there.

There was no real night in Heaven just one eternal day. However, after our naps we all referred to the time we woke as the next day. So the next day we all got together on our sofas with the same idea. I lead the initial discussion. John was initially negative about the idea of sneaking into Hell at first but without Leroy to tweak the antennae there would be no more of Springer's freakish humans to entertain him. Besides I knew he, like all other non-angelic citizens of heaven, was innately interested in the other place of the afterlife.

The plan we devised had two parts. First was escaping Heaven. This meant getting off the Catholic State, getting onto the entrance ring, the ring of clouds that circled Heaven and hosted the high speared fence which only opened at St. Peter's station, and penetrating this fence into the Elysium void. This was all to be done without detection from other citizens and the police guards of the politicians, who would stop us. The second main, and least certain, part of our plan was getting into Hell. This was an entirely different mission after the escape. Were we to disguise ourselves as heathens to get in? Or could we simply stroll in kiss the back of Lucifer's hand before taking off our sandals and get down? This we didn't know. What we did know was we could always get back into Heaven if we couldn't get into Hell. With this in mind we all decided on going through with the journey.

Leaving our Catholic State was easy. There was a huge vehicle that floated between our State and the ring where St. Peter's gate and fence were. The next morning we took off after acquiring permission notices from the politician's office the previous afternoon to perform service duties at St. Peter's station. We slipped past several new shiny faces of an arriving group as we boarded the puffy floatation vessel and headed for the gates. As we got closer the entire length of the golden spears slowly ascended the metallic blue horizon. The sharp tips sparkled beautifully above the soft luminosity of the clouds as if grinning maliciously at our plans to penetrate it. We soon arrived at the ridge where all the newcomers received their initial book-cover view of the afterlife. We pretended to walk straight down to path to the station as the new group boarded the vessel under the direction of the tour guide angel with the long beard. He didn't even recognize me as they drifted away towards the Catholic State. I looked back at the endless monotony of floating saucer shaped puffs against the sky it reminded me of taking an airplane when I was 12. It was raining and cloudy when the plane took off. But after several minutes the plane rose above the rain clouds and the sun was shining brightly above an endless sea of bright white clouds that were no longer gray and wet. I thought I was in heaven then and I now can say I was. It was always where I wanted to be; above it all. I began to wonder if and when I would return to this place that repelled me but also attracted me.

"Don't worry Amos, I have a good feeling about this, soon we'll be dancing under lots of red light bulbs with half naked beautiful girls," Leroy whispered to me anticipating my thoughts of staying. John and Juan had already begun scattering to the right off the path that led to the station. We were nervous and would've been sweating, had we the luxury of flesh, when we came to the body sized bars of the golden fence. I felt like a cockroach sneaking around the bars of a jail cell. It's golden skin was marvelous up close and even more peculiar was the other side of it. The bars were spaced shoulder width apart and the other side, which one might think to be a desert of endless clouds, was dark. It was like looking into a huge dark room.

"This, I heard, is just to scare us away. Its the Elysium void on the other side which doesn't send light rays into heaven so we can't see anything from here. Doesn't scare me but still a nice effect though." Juan said sticking one hand into the dark soup that promised nothing pleasant for those curious to enter. He told John to go first who in turn replied that it was his idea and he should be the one to go first. They started to argue as Leroy volunteered and slipped sideways through the bars. We stood in silence. After sometime I called out for him but heard no reply. I looked at Juan who shrugged. John looked at me and I nodded at Juan. I was about Juan to go when the muffled scream of Leroy's voice filled the tension between us. I called back but nothing. Juan placed his hands on the bars tilting his head to get his ears as close to the dark as possible without touching it. John began complaining when something grabbed Juan's head pulling him in. He screamed as we grabbed him, holding him back. His head was submerged in it. Then John and I heard laughter.

"It's you, it's only you!" Juan said pulling himself free and stepping through. He told us to follow and we exited out of the holy confines of Heaven.

The vast green field was the first thing to catch my eyes. Leroy was sitting in the grass that expanded around us laughing at Juan who was captivated by the surroundings. It was centuries since we seen grass covered earth. I recognized azalea bushes in bloom with white shiny flowers were scattered everywhere from where we stood all the way into the orange line of the horizon. Behind us, to my surprise, the fence was no more. What was there was the continuation of the azalea field into what seemed an endless stretch of land. I threw out my arm at the air in that direction. It gave the illusion of disappearing but after I moved my head to it I could see the domain of Heaven and the spot were we stood on the other side of the fence. I pulled my head back and studied the void some more. Above was thick and gray with swirling storm clouds. John began telling me that he wanted to cross back over when Leroy announced that there was something peculiar about the cloud pattern. I soon saw it myself. They were not swirling as I had thought. They all were moving in unison towards the horizon we had faced when we crossed over. We also noticed flashes of light along the fine orange line of the distant horizon.

"I think it's that way," Juan said trying to conceal his uncertainty. We all remained motionless and confused.

"Are you sure about this party?" John asked staring out in the distance. The flashes were periodic. I was beginning to think it was lightening.

"Come on lets find out, we only have an eternity and we can't get lost. With the way the clouds are moving we'll find our way back in direction," Leroy said as he started off. I followed next then Juan behind me. John, who was grumbling under his breath, walked behind.

A really long time after we were still walking but the flashes in the horizon didn't seem to be getting any closer. John realized this before any of us and we all stopped, looking up at the gray atmosphere for answers. Something was wrong. The clouds kept rolling forth to the edge of the void and the lights were still flashing. We, it seemed, didn't move at all. We sat down and John demanded to procure a reasonable plan for a safe return to the holy kingdom.

We were huddled in conversation between the Azaleas for a good while when Leroy thought he heard barks in the distance. John stood as we all looked up at him. He squinted for a while then gasp as his eyes widened. He was pointing in the direction of the flashes when I stood up but I soon saw that his finger was not affixed to that. It was a shadow, no a group of shadows, dozens of them racing across the field in the direction opposite to the movement of the clouds towards us. The barking became very clear. It was not a healthy bark like I remembered hearing from my dog when I came home from work back in my human days. It was a sickly, angry sound that doubled in loudness by the time Juan and Leroy stood up. John, as expected, ran first and we followed. I always thought the good thing about the afterlife is that entities unlike human bodies don't get tired in the same way. We sub-angelic beings only had to take naps, I would say daily, to preserve our glow or some say our energy. I was now learning that this blessing only existed inside Heaven. We were all getting tired. At some point during our short uneventful run I could've almost swore I felt my heart beating. We slowed down into a sloppy jog. John suggested we hide but Juan noted the fact that our Halos were extra bright against the shadowy green-ness of everything. I added my own 'Hell no' to the conversation when Leroy suggested we split up.

"Whoa, fellas look at this," Leroy sprinted to the right. We all followed. I didn't really wanting to stop to admire flowers.

"Check it out, it is a hole in ground" He said. The barking was getting closer. Let's keep running I suggested but Juan and John ignored me and joined Leroy at the smooth grass lined hole which one could've easily mistook for the shadow of the adjacent azalea bush.

"Where does it go?" John asked looking over Leroy's shoulder into the unnatural

darkness of the thing. I was warning them again about the barking shadows that now seemed to be approaching from all directions when Juan let out a sudden scream. Leroy and John gasped and fell backwards. I looked down and this time I felt something like my old heart jump out of my chest. I never cared much for horror but pissing myself would've been very appropriate as I saw two arms emerge from the hole. The guys were crawling backwards from emerging fingers and hands.

"Hey, Mary, I think there's people out here or something" a young voice followed the arms out of the dark aperture.

"Really, I thought you said this was a good place to come fuck." A woman's voice, perhaps Mary, came out of the hole before a tiny bright head popped out into the void. It was a teenage boy with bleached hair and a dark tan. I saw fingers move across his bare chest as a dark haired woman with thick eyebrows appeared behind him.

"Yo! It's angels baby, we might get to fuck in Heaven tonight, how's about that?" He studied us. I was beyond all emotions. Between this spectacle, the beautiful rawness of cursing that aroused me and the barking shadows I was speechless. Leroy spoke.

"Hey man, what's down there? Tell us quickly or we'll all be dog food." The boy upon hearing this looked perplexed.

"It's Hell down here, all they way down, but you dudes exceeded the age limit a long time ago." The bleached kid laughed and the Mary girl soon joined him. I thought Leroy would be angry at the boy's nonchalance but he told them that Hell was our destination. Juan, who also became excited, said something about fleeing persecution from Heaven. He was also dumbstruck by the girl who I noticed from a different angle, was just as naked and tanned as her partner was.

"Oh I see now, is that what you want, huh? Satan, the devil, will not be happy about illegal angels sneaking in. He'll probably send you back to your clouds if he doesn't devour your souls first. You geezers get to Hell your own way, I'm not going to the dreary flames and liver-eating vultures for you. Sorry, but I must say you'll have Hell to pay if you come down here," He said grimly. Amid all our troubles John put his fear on hold to give Juan a look filled with extreme anger. I even thought I saw his halo turn from yellow to bright orange. Realizing our inevitable destruction, as if for the first time, Juan started to tremble. Leroy became silent. It was either facing the barking monstrosities or being laid out with apples in our mouths for Satan's main course. I got an odd vision of John being rotated on a stick in a hibachi as Lucifer's dominions carefully glazed his roasted flank with honey barbecue. I shook my head thinking what am I thinking. We weren't beings of flesh. The worst Satan could do was to snort our souls in an experimental attempt to get high.

I returned to the reality of the void and our current problem and said something about the barking which caused immediate alarm, an emotion I wouldn't expect, from the boy.

"Come on in quickly dudes, " He announced "I was joking with you guys, we get angels coming down here all the time, just not from this hole. Lucifer (call him Luke) is cool guy he'll probably throw a party for ya'll . I hope you all like barbecue and beer. I gotta tell you its real different down here. You must loose the robes, and we'll do something about your glow ring hats, and Luke, himself, will fix up your age so you'll be young enough to party," The boy explained, helping us in. I looked up at the barking shadows before sliding down. They were huge beasts, the size of city buses, in the shape of dogs. There must have been hundreds of them closing in from all directions. My last sight from the gray void was an eerie glimpse of shark-like teeth moving up and down inside the jagged shadows of their owners.

We all slid easily down the slick metallic wall inside hole into a place below that spewed up strange smells and sounds. We would finally be there I thought as we descended into the beautiful resort of Hell that had become a Mecca for us all.