DREAMS
A Fanfic by Kuroi Tenshi
Date: 03/20/01
Type: POV/angst/short/etc…
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just love them.
Love Letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org
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It wasn’t until I returned from the bathroom, after thoroughly washing my face that I realized what had happened. I think I was crying. I woke up completely drenched in sweat, breathing heavily and my face wet and sticky from the tears. My pillow was damp as well. I had been crying in my sleep again. I must have been dreaming, but I can’t find the answer to this mystery in there. I never remember my dreams.
Its
been happening for a while, about 3-4 months, I’d say. Sometimes I wake up in
the middle of the night, eyes widened, my chest ready to collapse. It feels as
if I had been running a 100-mile marathon. Most of the time, it’s my own yells
that wake me. But as soon as I open my eyes and become completely aware, I find
myself in this terrible confusion. I don’t know why or what is making this
happen. What is it that I dream of, what is so horrible in my dreams? I wake up
feeling highly overwhelmed, a giant blanket of sorrow covering me tight. It
feels like there is no salvation, a sense of doom. And I can just cry, because
there is nothing I can do. Only endure it, night after night, week, month and
possibly years. My dreams are not a place of solace for me, they are my chamber
of torture.
And so
that is why I began dreading sleep. I’ve done just about everything to avoid
it. I work until my back feels like it’s going to break in half. My eyes burn
as if they’ve been dipped in acid from the long, constant hours in front of the
monitor. My hours of unconsciousness went from 8, to 5 to 3 and finally down to
2. One in the afternoon, one at night.
I’ve
become very productive, like a machine. In the past week I’ve done the amount
of work it takes a normal person to accomplish in a month. I’ve been going on
like this for about 5 weeks. This is highly beneficial to my mission. And
highly self-destructive as well. The sense of accomplishment I get from
overworking nulls out the weariness of lack of sleep. Knowing that I’ve kept
myself ahead fills me, but everyday I become even number, and now pain is but a
faint buzz in the back of my head. Like the humming of a refrigerator,
unnoticed by the concentrating mind.
But my
body, as well kept as it is, doesn’t agree with the idea. Slowly, my legs have
begun to give out from time to time; my hands are slightly clumsy, wrists
aching from the long hours of typing. If I don’t have carpal tunnel syndrome by
now, I’m probably very well in the process. My thighs and arms have become
thinner, my stomach is pretty sunk in. I forgot that I forget to eat.
In my
desperate attempt to deem myself stronger, I’ve become weak. Not only that, I
was weak from the beginning, trying to hide from my fears in the pile of work
and the scrutiny of the missions. Because I cannot, and don’t even want to try
to imagine what sort of thing could make someone like me wail and scream of
utter hopelessness in the course of dreams, unable to willingly escape from
them. The box with the lock has begun to leak, and the lock is rusty. It’s an
old lock that I was taught to fasten at a very young age. Unfortunately, they
lied when they told me it would last forever. Or that the thing inside would
die eventually. It only made it bigger…and stronger.
I
wonder how long I will have to stay like this…conquered by fatigue, yet
stubborn enough to resist fear’s domination. Or maybe this avoidance is giving
into it. Either way, I will have fought a useless battle. I can lie to
everyone, but to myself, and its myself who I will eventually give into. Lost
again in the depths of my mind, wandering…and resurfacing, like a drowning
victim who is forever scarred by the trauma of near death. But the memory of it
is a scattered vision of light, and what remains is just the feeling…the pure
horror…and the fear. Irrational fear, residing in someone that is far from
irrational.
And far
from sanctuary.
END.
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-Kuroi
Tenshi =:)
The Full
Disclaimer
Shin Kidousenki
Gundam Wing is trademark and
property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated companies. The
characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of
completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the
author.