NEVER

A Fanfic by Kuroi Tenshi

Date: 03/05/01

Type: drama/angst/shounen-ai/ mature situations, etc, ect, etc…

Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just love them:) This fic is one of my most prized ones *smile* its written in different POVs. Official disclaimer at the bottom.

Love letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org

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Part 1

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“Get your fucking hands off me!”

I can tell he didn’t expect this reaction from me, especially not as violent as it was. Even I am surprised at the hostility in my own voice. But then again, he never took me seriously and I am sick of it. I’ve always been sick of it. This is, in a way, my fault too for keeping things inside for too long. I know people think I don’t internalize, but I have my own way of doing it. I just become very cynical. But this isn’t cynical. Not anymore. This is my fucking borderline.

“Duo..” he mutters. I love the humming in his voice when he speaks my name. It’s almost enough to make me desist. But my conviction is greater this time. I just have to remember the actual reason he is here in the first place and all the pain and rage comes back to me. So fast I didn’t see my own fist connecting with his jaw. He stumbles to the floor, looking back at me in a bewildered daze. I stammer somewhat. Bewildered in Heero is a highly unusual sight.

“Get out.” The icy words come out of my mouth involuntarily. Part of me remains in shock at my reactions. 5 years ago I would have never dreamed of something like this coming out of me. I realize that just now I am seeing how much I have changed since then. “Get out”, I repeat. The phrase is no longer a stranger to me.

“Duo…just listen to me…”

“No, you listen to me, you bastard son of a bitch! I can’t believe you have the fucking nerve to come back here, after what you did to me, 5 YEARS later, and ask for another chance, when you refused to give me one. Well, FUCK YOU! Get the FUCK out of my house, my life and don’t ever come back, you stupid fuck! I can’t BELIEVE you had the balls to come back! You inconsiderate piece of shit! GET THE FUCK OUT, DAMMIT!”

“Godammit, Duo. I had to do it. You know that. You went and made your own life too!”

“You don’t get it, do you? I would have given anything up to stay with you! I sacrificed myself to be able to have a life with you because I fucking loved you! You were my everything! FUCK!” My voice is breaking, shit. I swallow the huge lump in my throat. I haven’t cried in years, and just now I feel like I’m drowning in tears. I hate myself for doing this because I know why I cry. I cry for the things that I truly care about. After all this time, I still love you, Heero Yuy.

But I will never tell you that ever again.

***

A.C 201 Location: L2.

Dreams are a double edge sword. You hope and dream of an ideal, and believe that it’s realization will give you the happiness you fervently have been seeking. But like everything that’s real, it has virtues and defects. What seems perfect in the mind is imperfect in the world.

Some people can see past the defects. But sometimes the defects are too much to handle.

I shiver at my thoughts, even though it’s quite warm out. I bring a hand up to my face and I notice some moisture. I frown thinking I could be crying again, but its just sweat. And now that I think about it, I haven’t cried in years. To be more exact, 5 years.

It’s been 5 fucking years.

“Duo! Sorry I’m late, my meeting ran over!”

Quatre’s face is red like a bloated tomato under the sun as he runs up to me. I didn’t really realize just how hot it was till now, and I notice that I’m sweating like a pig too. I *was* standing in the sun for a while.

“Let’s go get a drink,” I offer. He nods enthusiastically.

I feel kind of bad about my meeting with Quatre, knowing how busy he is, now that he’s the head of the Winner Estate. That’s why he runs from one meeting to the other, barely resting in between. But luckily enough, most of his business deals are settled here in L2, so we see each other on a frequent basis. However, it’s still not the same. Wufei shows his face every once in a while, now that he’s with the Preventers, and usually meets up with us. We’ve grown much closer, and I’d dare to say he and I get along much better. I think he can stand me more now, heh. Hell, I’ve always liked Wu-chan, I guess it was just a matter of time until he became used to me though. I’ve barely seen Trowa in the past couple of years, but Quatre still keeps in touch with him. From what he tells me, he rotates from being in the circus on some seasons and working as a mechanic on military machinery in colony clusters. He gets paid extremely well, from what I hear too. I forget how great of a mecha genius he is. Hell, I wish my work as a Sweeper would pay up like that too. But I’m happy with my job, it’s simple, easy and I have my friends around me. Yep, I’m happy. I’m happy…

Am I?

“It looks like you’re not.” Quatre replies. Damn, I didn’t know he was telepathic.

“Nani?”

“I asked you if you were ok. You’re not your usual talkative self.”

“ I’m just enjoying myself, Q-chan. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

“That’s true…but I have good news. I’m going to be staying in L2 for about a month, I have a business transaction to take care of which requires me to do so. The Winner Corporation is dealing with developments in one of the colonies.”

“We’ll see a lot of each other for a while then! Don’t worry about a thing, my chum! I’ll show you around, we’ll have a great time!” I grab him across the table and glomp him. Man, I always get a kick out of his reactions. Gets him every time.

He straightens his tie and I smile back at him. “Also..” he begins, “Wufei is going to be arriving here soon. It seems he has a temporary post here as part of the Preventers’ program. I talked to him yesterday. He says he’s looking forward to another drinking competition.”

“Ha! He wants to break the tie, doesn’t he? I bet it kills him that he can’t drink me under the table.”

“Neither can you.” Quatre replies, smiling. Even though he’s usually the peacemaker between Wufie and me, I know he enjoys seeing us go at each other. In a weird way, that’s how we express our friendship. Quatre is usually making sure we don’t kill each other, let me re-phrase that, that Wufei doesn’t kill me, because I’m usually getting under his skin. I can’t help it! It’s just too tempting! Wufie get so bent out of shape every time it’s great! Quatre is our keeps us in check though. But in the past few years, we’ve grown very close, the three of us. We’ve all matured and were able to let the issues of our past where they belong, pardon my redundancy, in the past. Quatre is much more optimistic than he ever was. He has a new confidence about him that I would say came as the product of his inheritance of his family’s estate. Wufei was a bit more lighthearted; he lets himself enjoy life more. I make sure of that every time I see him. When we have a chance, we go out to bars and drink. I’d say he’s my #1 drinking buddy. And Quatre is my very best friend.

And like a best friend should, he can see right through me.

“I talked to him.” He mutters as he takes a swig of his margarita.

“Yeah, you said that already.” I nod, sipping on my beer.

“I meant Heero. I talked to him earlier today.”

I think my temperature dropped 50° below my beer’s just then. Heero was still in L2.

“Duo, I think you both should sit down and talk.”

I sit in silence. Quatre looks even more worried. He knows, better than myself, that this serious look in my face means trouble.

“Duo I think you’re making a big mistake here. Heero truly loves you.”

“What?!” I slam the bottle against the wooden surface, making Quatre jump in shock. “That’s the biggest lie I’ve heard up to date! Quatre you know better than that!”

“Listen Duo! Heero has made his mistakes, yes I know, but the way you’ve been going about all this is all wrong! You’re destroying yourself in a ridiculous attempt to get back at him! Duo the only one you’re hurting is yourself!”

“Shut up! How can you say that?! You know very well what he did! He LEFT me out of the blue! With no regards to our relationship, or what we had, he left. He didn’t even care about my whereabouts until now, and why? Because the motherfucker has lost everything! His life is shit and he knows its because he fucked up when he left me!” My hands are clenched up and I realize my voice had raised some because of the eyes staring at us. The bartender doesn’t look too happy either. I’d say we have about 5 more minutes before we get thrown out.

“Yes Duo, I know all this, and you know I agree with you,” he gestures me to sit back down, and I obey. “But torturing yourself is not going to make him feel bad, it will only make YOU feel bad. Hurting yourself is not revenge. Its Self-destruction.”

Self-Destruction, hah. I’m not the one with the constant urge to end my existence. That honor belongs to Mr. Perfection.

“Look Quatre, I appreciate your concern, but the one that needs words of wisdom here is the Perfect Soldier, who may I say is not so perfect now that he doesn’t have shit, including Relena. Here’s to her for realizing how much of a dumbass he is!” I gulp the remainders of the golden liquid and set it down with a loud thud. Quatre stares back at me, with a look on his face like someone killed his puppy or something. I grin back at him, but my grin swiftly disappears when I see traces of tears in his eyes.

“Duo, you’re going to kill yourself if you keep this up. Please, talk to Heero. You both are going to end up dead if this keeps going on.” He hands me a torn piece of paper with a telephone number scribbled in blue ink. A name is on top. The name I dread the most right now.

Quatre grabs his blazer and stands up. He leaves some money and change on the tabletop for his drink. I glance back at him but the look of sorrow in his face is so intense I can’t stand to look at it much longer so I turn my attention to the mouth of my Sam Adams as if it were the most interesting piece of art I’d ever seen. I hear a grunt so I turn back but its Quatre clearing his throat. He stares at me before saying anything first.

“Call him. Promise me.”

“Quatre…”

“PROMISE ME!”

My eyes widen is surprise. I’ve never seen him this upset. “I promise.” I reply slowly.

He gives me a weary smile and exits the bar. My heart is still racing from the whole ordeal. In all my years of knowing Quatre I’ve never seen him this angry before. I can’t help but feel guilty because I know I’m the source of his anger. The sky seems to be reflecting his anger as the sun blazes down on me. Trying to get a cab at this hour is hell, especially in the summer. But finally one stops and I’m on my way home. Quatre upset, Heero back in L2, Wufei is coming…I see chibi images of them swirling around in my head. God, this is driving me crazy! I run up the stair to my apartment and unlock the door. I need to get my mind off this. This whole situation with Heero feels as if my world has been turned upside down all of a sudden. I sit in front of my coffetable, directly in front of my big screen TV.

“Heero” I sigh. “Godammit, I promised Quatre…”

My hands automatically reach for the little bag on top of the glass surface of the table. As my mind races with thoughts of Heero, and Quatre’s face full of anguish, my fingers undo the bag, carefully spilling some of the contents on top of the small mirror in front of me. Quatre’s words loop in my head as my hand grabs the exacto knife and begins to sculpt careful thin stripes in perfectly ordered manner. The cutting noise seems to synchronize with the phrase.

Self-destruction. Self-destruction. Self-destruction. Self-destruction. Self-destruction.

Cut. Tap. Cut. Tap.

I don’t self-destruct, Quatre. I am the God of Death. I NEVER die.

And with a single snort, I take invincibility all into me.

T.B.C

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Author’s notes: This is probably going to end up being a long one, but that’s fine with me, I love writing:) I’m on vacation for now, so lots of time to do so! There’s going to be a lot of reference to drugs and drug culture in this fic, so I want to warn people now and tell you all to NOT do this, drugs can seriously harm you, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally as well. That’s one of the main reasons I’m writing this, not to endorse them or promote them in any way. Feedback is appreciated; I’d like to see how this sits with everyone. Thanks!

-Kuroi Tenshi.

The Full Disclaimer

Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing is trademark and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated companies. The characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the author.