NEVER

A Fanfic by Kuroi Tenshi

Date: 03/05/01

Type: drama/some angst/slight OCC/shounen-ai, etc, etc, etc…

Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just love them:) This fic is one of my most prized ones *smile* its written in different POVs. Official disclaimer at the bottom.

Love letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org

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Part 2

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I took a big gulp, desperately trying to swallow down the massive lump in my throat. Unconsciously, my fingers started to undo the blue cloth of my silk tie, and I start to think that maybe I should have left the jacket home. I didn’t realize how hot L2 could be in the midst of August. Reaching for the handkerchief in my back pocket, I walk towards the back of the bar, off to the side, so he’s still in within my sight. My face feels hot and moist, and I reach to wipe it, realizing that it’s not sweat, but the tears I was so fervently trying to push back. I guess it doesn’t matter now, he can’t see me. I glance over and observe as he waits for a cab to stop. And the sharp pain that drowned my voice back in the bar when I forced him to make me that promise comes back. Over and over in my mind, I see the image of my best friend slowly dying the most terrible and worse of all, idiotic death of all, and I seriously start wishing I didn’t feel so much. Life is easier to deal with when you don’t feel much, right?

“Hn.” A vocal response to my thoughts broke my concentration. I swiftly turned around.

“He’ll call you soon. Give him a few days.” I respond automatically. Thud, thud, thud. My head is throbbing in pain; feeling like it’s going to explode. He starts saying something to me, but all I can hear in my mind is “thud”, “thud”, “thud”…His lips move in a familiar pattern, and then I realize the meaning.

“You’re welcome”. I think I have some aspirin in my car.

“Quatre…” the sound of my name makes me turn around once more.

“I’m late. I have to pick up Wufei at the airport. Take care.” The coldness in my voice send chills through my spine, but those deep Prussian blue orbs didn’t even budge. The only sounds I can hear are the clicking of my shoes on the hot concrete of the parking lot as I make my way to my BMW, the jingling of my keys as I open the door and start the engine, and the screaming voices in my head telling me how big of a mess this is turning out to be.

I’m mad.

No, not crazy, psychotic mad (haven’t felt that way in a while, praise Allah). I’m extremely angry.

I’m mad at for being put in this position. I’m mad at Heero for what he did to Duo. I’m mad at Duo for acting like a total idiot. I’m mad at myself for trying to solve everything, and having to choose sides between my friends. But most of all, I’m angry at life for screwing all of us over. For denying us all of happiness, of a chance at something worthwhile. If it’s not war, then it has to be some stupid personal reason but you still end up alone. Sometimes its plain cowardice. Like mine. I should have told Duo what a piece of trash he’s become, I should have told Heero that I would not help him, and…I should have told Trowa to stay. But that’s an entirely different story. Maybe I’m not better than they are, I’m also hiding from my mistakes. I bury myself in work but no matter what, it all comes back. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had told Trowa that one simple word…

A.C 196 Location: L4

“Stay.”

It echoes in my mind, but it never made it to my mouth. And now the door is closed. I close my eyes, and I can see it. It remains closed. I wonder sometimes what happened behind it, but a part of me doesn’t want to find out. It tells me that our fates weren’t meant to intertwine, and we are but lonely shooting stars, forever destined to wander through space, leaving a stellar stream of cold light.

Sometimes its what you DON’T do that can destroy your life.

“You look like hell.”

A.C 201 Location: LaGrange Point 2 Intl.Airport

“When did you…” I’m at the airport already? I forget, deep line of thought and a BMW with a V8 equals a 5 min ride to a destination that would normally take about half an hour.

“I’m sorry, I have a very bad headache. How are you, Wufei?” I wipe my forehead again. He looks at me, his eyes narrowed. He’s worried. I’ve known Wufei for 6 years now. We’ve grown very close, so I can read him as well as I can Duo. That’s how I know that he know it’s because of Duo.

“It’s Maxwell again.” He says, his eyes fixed on mine. Praised be Allah for his mind-reading powers because frankly, I don’t feel like explaining all of this right now.

“It’s ok, Quatre, why don’t we do this? Go home and rest for today, I’ll go to my place. We can discuss this tomorrow.” He grabs his bag and we head out. I smile at him, thinking it’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.

“I’ll take you. Come on.” I offer, and we leave.

* * *

“And on the news today..” my alarm clock happily announces. I shut it up with a hard punch. This has been the week from Hell, and it’s still not over.

I’m wearing my gold silk tie, it’s Thursday. Apparently the entire world decided to go wrong this past week, and it looks like its not going to get any better. I haven’t been able to eat a decent breakfast the past days. I’ve been surviving on coffee and tea. Why are things so screwed, you ask? To enlighten you on the situation, allow me to explain:

2 days after our “encounter”, Duo finally called Heero up. They scheduled a meeting for the next day. Knowing Duo and what a hothead he is, Wufei and I decided to attend as well, to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. I was hoping it was going to be a civilized conversation, harsh, yet civilized. I was dead wrong. 5 minutes into the whole thing, they snapped and went at each other;s throats. I still have broken vases to pick up. Serves me right for being the nice guy and offer my house as the meeting place…anyways, I took Duo home afterwards and tended to his injuries. He had an ugly gash on his forehead from a chair Heero threw at him. Wufei volunteered to drive Heero home, and care for his cuts as well. He had to get some stitches on his left arm from an ugly cut Duo gave him with the broken leg of the chair he had thrown at him previously. By the holy name of Allah, I have never seen two people act like such animals in my life. I was right when I said they’re both going to end up dead if this keeps going on. Because if they don’t kill themselves, they’re going to kill each other.

That was on Tuesday. But it feels like it happened just a few hours ago.

The mountain of papers on top of my desk seem to laugh at me. *You can’t deal with it, can you? You can’t take it, can you?* I hear it over and over in my head. I reach for my medicine in the drawer beneath my desk. I take a small white pill and pop it in my mouth. I’ve been taking Paxil for over 6 months now. Ever since I started to get these horrible chest pains. At first, I thought it was heart failure, but my doctor then explained they were anxiety attacks. It’s been getting better with time, and the doctor suggested I abandoned the medication and just stuck to therapy. I still go to therapy, but I have to take the pills. I have too much to handle, and just talking to someone won’t help. It’s not enough. What I really need is away in L3 or somewhere else in the galaxy. Probably never to return.

I pop another pill at the horriying feeling of that thought.

“Mr. Winner, you have a call on line 2.” My secretary announces. I pick up the receiver.

“Quatre. How’s work?” Its Wufei. I relax a bit.

“Killing me. I need a break.” I sigh, my fingers reach up to massage my temples.

“Let’s go out for drinks tonight. My treat.” He suggests. I smile. It’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.

“Sounds great. I’ll meet you there at 8. Ok?”

“Good. See you then.” *click*

I rest my head for a second. Yes, a drink will help. Even though my religion won’t allow alcohol, I fins that a drink every once in a while is not a bad idea. And talking to a friend right now is what I really need. I’d throw therapy down the toilet if I had my friends with me more often. Looking down at my watch, I realize my workday is over. I sigh in relief. I grab my stuff and head for the door. Keys, check. Jacket, check. Document File, check. Seems like I’ve got everything important. Wait…

Pills, check.

* * *

Wufei and I meet at he same bar whenever we are at L2. It’s called “The Shooting Star”. What a name, eh? I know, I know, It’s stupid, but hey, they make a killer martini. Wufei is usually waiting for me at the door, always early. A greeting smile and a warm hug, then we enter. Duo usually comes with us, but you understand why he isn’t here now. Of course when we come, we have to tell him an hour in advance. And even so, he is ALWAYS 45 minutes late, exactly.

Our booth is the one on the far left of the place, to the back. It’s near a window, so we can see the passing cars. It’s not a fancy place, mostly working class people frequent it, to unwind from a hard day like ourselves. I sit across from Wufei and take off my jacket. I loosen up my tie, feeling like it’s choking me. Ah, the hardships of office etiquette. If it were up to me, I’d go to work in shorts and a T-shirt.

“Scotch. On the rocks.” Wufei tells the waitress. She glances at me. “And you, sir?”

“Martini. Shaken, not stirred.” Heh, I’ve always wanted to say that.

She leaves and we are left in our little booth. I move and budge trying to make myself confortable, wich makes the pill bottle in my pocket jingle. Wufei inmediatley frowns. Oh, here we go again…

“You’re still taking that shit?” He folds his arms across the table.

“It’s been a hard week.” I sigh, looking away to thw window.

“You critizize Duo for being such a fuckup, just make sure you don’t end up like him.” His eyes dig into mine, I look away to the window again.

“Oh Wufei, you know it’s for my therapy. It’s no big deal.” I cross my fingers. Wufei leans back against his seat.He straighetnes his black-and-tan jacket. I notice the worn out Preventers’ logo on the left.

“That’s a load of bullshit. I hate those stupid doctors who think they can fix anything with a stupid pill. You’re as much of a coward as Duo. You’re hiding from your problems behind a false hope.”

My heart shrinks at Wufei’s blunt honesty. Thank God for friends like him.

“What you need is a girlfriend.” He smiles. I grin in amusement.

“What I need…is gone. I screwed up.” I lower my head, letting out a deep sigh. The waitress approaches us an puts out drinks on the table. Wufei grabs his enthusiastically and I take mine as well. I play with the olive while Wufei is already halfway with his. I’ve never been much of a drinker. I’d rather watch him and Duo go at it. There’s nothing more amusing than drunks when you’re not drunk.

“You know, it’s never too late for another chance. It’s too late when we’re dead.” Wufei said, now turning more serious.

“No, It’s been too long. Besides, if he really had wanted to stay with me, he would have. I shouldn’t have to ask him.” I replied, my voice filled with sadness.

“Did you ever tell him how you felt?” His eyes had an inquiring gaze. I remained silent at the question. He was right, I didn’t want to face my own mistakes.

“No matter how much someone loves you, they’re not mind-readers. You need to say those kind of things. You had nothing to lose”

No, I had a lot to lose. I would have lost my mind if he had said “no”.

“Quatre, love is worthless if there’s no trust in it.” Wufei was looking directly into my eyes, I felt like he was staring right into my soul. “If you doubt it, It’s never going to work.”

I raised my hands to my forehead, massaging it gently. Why think about this now? What’s done is done. He’s gone. That is my reality. He’s gone because I didn’t hold on to him. I should have said something; I should have been more sincere. I should have, I should have, I should have….My heart started beating faster and faster, my head was spinning at 100mph. I instinctively reached for the bottle in my pants, but Wufei gave me a death glare that made me think more than twice. He gulped down the rest of his drink, and I had barely touched mine. I hate it when I’m right. This week wasn’t going to end right. The dreading thought of how this could get any worse crossed my mind. And of course, what happens when you think that?

“Wufei. Quatre.” A familiar voice called out.

It does.

“Yuy, what are you doing here?” Wufei asked, noticing the white gauze on Heero’s arm. Or better yet, the lack of it.

“Grab your things. We need to get to the Police Station quickly.” He said in his usual monotone, but I could detect great concern in his voice.

“Why? What’s going on?” I asked, pulling my jacket over my arms.

“I called Duo’s place, I wanted to try and talk to him again, but Hirde picked up. Duo’s in jail.”

“What?! What for?” I practically yelled that one out.

Heero looked at me straight in the eyes. Was that traces of tears I could see?

“Possesion of illegal substances.”

The last thing I felt was Wufei’s arms trying to grab me. I am NEVER going to be able to live through this.

T.B.C

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Author’s notes: Just a quick explanation, Paxil can be used both as an anti-depressant and an anxiety aid. Also, you shouldn’t take it with alcohol (Someone should have told Quatre that). Thank you for the reviews, I encourage you to keep them coming, they really help. I’d also like to make a little dedication of this fanfic to one of my best friends, part of the reason I’m writing this, because of his harships with his addiction. If you have a friend that is in a situation like this, what they need the most are their friends. Like Quatre said: “ If I had my friends around me more often, I’d throw therapy down the toilet.”

-Kuroi Tenshi.

The Full Disclaimer

Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing is trademark and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated companies. The characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the author.