NEVER

A Fanfic by Kuroi Tenshi

Date: 03/14/01-03/30/01

Type: drama/angst/shounen-ai/etc, etc, etc…

Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just love them:) This fic is one of my most prized ones *smile* its written in different POVs. Official disclaimer at the bottom.

Love letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org

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Part 4

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My eyes dropped to the ground, staring at the two small droplets spilt. My voice suddenly escaped me, and I could say nothing. I just held my breath; scared the world would break if I exhaled. He’s as beautiful as when I last saw him. Same clear, aqua blue eyes that could never lie. Same golden locks that smelled of sweet jasmine, although slightly longer than I remember. I feel a rush of electricity at the thought of running my fingers through them. My heart is beating so fast I can hardly hear anything else. However, a sweet little voice releases me from the spell.

“Daddy? Are we there?” I look down at her, and suddenly the whole world comes into context. I lost myself for a moment there.

“Yes, Little One, don’t worry. We’ll go home soon.” I whisper to her to calm her down. She smiles back wearily and snuggles up closer, her eyes shut. I press my hand gently on her forehead. Nope, it hasn’t come down one bit. Damn.

“Wufei, please take us to a hotel quickly. Her fever is still pretty high.” I glance to him, but my gaze returns to Quatre, who stands next to him, speechless, fists clenched. I let out a soft sigh. Even though his shirt is halfway out of his pants, no tie and sleeves rolled up, he still looks amazing. At least to me. I can’t take my eyes off of him. My God, I thought I’d never see him again. Little Angel…

“I’ll take you to my place. Its closer and we need to get Cathy to some warm blankets soon.” Wufei generously offers, and I nod. He starts to walk out and I follow, nearing Quatre step by step. I turn my face to meet his, side by side. I try to say something, but he cut me off.

“Cathy?”

I nodded, my face relaxing a bit. I shift her in my arms so he can have a better look. “Catherine Midii Barton. My daughter.”

* * *

It’s about 1:30-something AM but it feels like later. The rain keeps pouring down like a mad waterfall, making our trip to Wufei’s place take forever. I don’t recall L2 being so rainy and humid, but then again I haven’t been here in a very long time. Since I was with Quatre…5 years ago. It doesn’t seem much but it really has been a lifetime for me. My life took a complete 180 after I left…and didn’t turn back anymore. Sometimes I think maybe, maybe I should have given it another chance, but I guess the way things turned out was for the best. It just wasn’t working anymore. Quatre and I didn’t communicate, we changed and so did the way we handled each other. It was as if an ice wall fell between us. And I just couldn’t bear it anymore. I kept it inside but it hurt so much because I loved him so much. But I know, if he had asked me to stay I would have. Things would have been different. I would have had Quatre…but I wouldn’t have had my Cathy. I don’t know which would have been better…or worse.

“Ugh…umm..” she turns, beads of sweat slide down her cheeks. I prayed for us to get to Wufei’s quickly. Looking in the mirror I see him sitting in the back, shifting uncomfortably and staring out a window. I know the tension he was feeling. The silence about us wasn’t a silence of fatigue, it was of awkwardness. Because of Quatre. He looked at me at the sound of Cathy’s groans. His face was filled with concern.

“How is she doing?” he asks. I pressed my hand to her forehead. “Its still there. But once we’re home, she’ll be better.” I gently wiped away the sweat from her forehead, caressing her little face. She felt my hands, giving me a weary smile. The same smile…

“It’s the red building, eh Wufei?” Quatre asked, making a turn towards a complex of apartment buildings. Wufei nodded, and we entered the parking lot. Finally parked, I carefully wrapped Cathy in my arms and got out of the car. I turned to Quatre who was waiting for Wufei, who apparently fell into sleeps arms and was curled up in his back seat. He gave him a quick nudge, sort of reluctant. Hey, waking up Wufei is not the safest thing to do. But he just got up and groggily showed us up the elevator to his apartment.

“What time is it?” Wufei asked, leaning against the door of the elevator. Quatre looked down at his watch.

“Its ten till two.” His eyes were bloodshot. I could make out long lines of dried tears in his cheeks. I chuckle to my insides, no matter how torn up Quatre may be, he still looks like an angel to me. This is amazing. After all this time, I still…

“We’re here! Finally!” Wufei cheers as the door opens to the 10^th floor. I make my way out, my worry increasing with the same speed at Cathy’s temperature.

“Do you have any medicine in here?” I asked him. He finished opening up the door before answering me.

“I think so, but I’ll check just in case.” We entered the room. It was very simple, in the Asian style, but still cozy. Wufei showed me to a vacant room with a large bed and a nice big window next to it, overlooking the tall factory tubes of the city. I find it kind of breathtaking, the view of heavy black smoke coming out of large, metal tubes, lit up by neon lights, while the rain pours down, releasing the steam of from the concrete of the streets, warmed by the blazing sun during the day. God, I definitely have been around machinery for too long…

“Here you go, it might be a little strong, so I dissolved it with a little water.” Wufei said as he handed me a small plastic cup, filled with a light and clear reddish liquid. I took it from his hands, and I noticed as he turned away from the door, that Quatre was still there. He was standing in the hall, across from me, waiting. That word. Waiting. It clings to the air like the black smoke of the factories. I can’t turn my gaze away from him, but at the same time I cannot speak. It feels like there’s a thousand miles that separate us now, an endless sea. A sea as blue and green and deep as his eyes…heh, this is truly amazing, my own thoughts betray me. No matter what, everything turns back to him, my thoughts, my eyes, my…heart…

“I..” a loud cough from inside the room cut me off. I noticed that he got cut off as well. “…need to get back to her.” He stared at me for an instant and finally went back into the living room, to help Wufei with the water basin. I stood by the door, not knowing why; it’s just that my legs wouldn’t respond. My body isn’t responding to my will all of a sudden. Finally, I break free and make my way to the small, fragile figure lying on the bed.

“It hurts,…” she said, between coughs. I sat down next to her, contemplating her soft face, flushed by the fever. It was all I could do from not bursting into tears. Because I knew I was fighting a useless battle.

My little Cathy is all I have left in the world. I might not have brought her into this world, but I don’t think that makes me less of her father, since I raised her. Contrary of what you may think, I never got married, nor had a girlfriend, or nothing. After I left Quatre, I went back home to my sister, Catherine, and the circus. I found out then, she was 2 months pregnant.

The father was some guy she had met, who had approached her after a performance one night. Tall, quiet, handsome…she described him. They went out for a while, and like it usually happens, they rushed things. After she found out and told him, he was never heard from again. Catherine never told me his name. I didn’t want to know either; I’d probably kill him if he weren’t already dead.

Catherine’s pregnancy caused her a lot of problems, not only in her job, from which she got fired, but also in her health. The baby wasn’t developing normally, and this broke Cathy’s heart. She really wanted the baby. I stuck with her as much as I could, but the little money I was making at the circus wasn’t enough for the both of us, let alone all the medicine and treatment Catherine needed. I started to work in mecha then, but that kept me from being with her more time, something I will always regret. Then 6 months into the pregnancy, two new truths were revealed. The baby was a girl, but the man Catherine had slept with had AIDS, therefore infecting both mother and child. The hospital then refused to have anything to do with her. We didn’t have money for a private clinic or doctor. All I could do was comfort Catherine every night, as she would cry herself to sleep.

Catherine died at childbirth. I think I preferred it that way, instead of seeing her waste away. The lack of medical assistance and of course the factors of birth in space worsened the condition of the pregnancy and the baby, who was born with heart failure. It was a beautiful baby girl, nonetheless. Big bright lavender eyes and you could see traces of reddish-brown hair on her tiny skull. Just like her mother, not a trace of her father, thankfully. The AIDS was all she got from him. The doctor at the family clinic said she wouldn’t live past 5 years old.

And now, looking at my tiny, fragile daughter who in her 4 years of life has known more pain that most people could ever imagine, I clench my fists in rage, and even hate at Duo Maxwell. Duo, who has so much life ahead of him, energy and most importantly health, and throws it away because he cant handle it. The world around me hasn’t changed one bit, its still as unfair and cruel to the helpless creatures as it ever was. Apparently it doesn’t like me, and the ones around me. Misfortune touches the people closest to me all the time. People who don’t deserve it, like my Catherine. Catherine Midii Barton. Named after the two women who changed my life. Also two women who lived in misfortune. And little Cathy is their legacy.

“Daddy…” tears stream from her face, making my heart cringe and my eyes water. “it hurts…”

“Shh, shhh. Everything is ok, Little One. Here.” I picked her up in my arms, and walked over to a chair, facing the window. It hadn’t stopped raining. I swing her slowly, trying to make her sleepy, but she keeps crying. I whisper and hum, and a song forms in my lips. Catherine used to sing this song to her unborn baby; almost as if she knew the pain she would have to endure…

~Baby mine, don’t you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine

Little One, when you play

Don’t you mind what they say

Let those eyes, sparkle and shine

Never a tear, baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you

They’d end up loving you too

All those same people who scold you

What they’d give just for the right to hold…you

From your head, down to your toes

You’re not much, goodness knows

But you’re so precious to me

Sweet as can be, baby of…~

I wipe away a tear from her ivory white cheek, a tear that fell from my eyes. She sleeps now, close to me. I can never finish that song. My voice cracks up and I start crying. Thankfully, she falls asleep before she can see me. But a tingle in the back of my neck informs me that I am still being watched.

“I’m sorry.” I recognized Quatre’s voice. I turned around, wiping away my tears before I did so.

“Pardon?”

“Wufei told me. About Cathy…and Catherine. I never got a chance to tell her how much I admired her.” His eyes focus on the sleeping figure in my arms. I turn my gaze down to her as well.

“She liked you, contrary to what you may have thought. She would ask me about you all the time.” I replied, now turning my eyes to him.

“I…apologize…”

“What for?” I cut him off.

“Well, I feel bad because I thought all these mean and horrible things about you, without asking first. Like usual, I doubted you. I am so sorry.” Quatre walked over to me, leaning to get a closer look at my little girl. I smile in contentment.

“You didn’t know. There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.” I replied, softly to keep her from awakening. I slowly stood up, and walked back to the bed, placing her with carefulness. I wrapped her up in the sheets and checked her temperature once more. “Thank God, it’s finally coming down. All that hanging around Sally has really taught Wufei something” I slightly chuckle, and Quatre smiles wearily. A moment of silence passes between us, but the silence isn’t awkward like before. It feels like a mutual understanding. A familiar feeling of when we were together, and we spoke, without saying a thing.

“How long?” he asks. My face darkens, and I stand up, facing the window.

“6 more months. 8 possibly, but that’s pushing it. If she had a better heart, it could actually be years. “ I reply in an icy monotone. I feel Quatre approach me, I can smell the subtle jasmine fragrance strengthened by the rain.

We stand next to each other, staring at the falling rain, unable to say anything else. Quatre puts his hands in his pockets, rocking his body back and forth from the glass. I stare at him through the reflection. I want to say something to him, but the words won’t come out. Suddenly, in the midst of my mental debate, he retreats from the window and turns to face me.

“I take it you came here because of the new medical complex that was recently opened. I hear it has the latest technology.” His voice was filled with sadness, and I nodded.

“I’ve been saving up for years now. I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss it, because I still don’t have enough. Its my last hope.” I sigh. I was short on a few thousand, but those thousands could make a big difference. I have to convince them to do it; I will even give half my blood to the hospital if they wanted. But I knew very well that once they knew that it wouldn’t save her life, if only extend it indefinitely, they would prioritize over people who would benefit more from it. And looking at Quatre and the way he’s looking at me, I know he knows that too. Doctors don’t see people as individuals, they see them as statistics.

“If Sally…” Quatre started, but I shook my head, making him stop.

“Its not the procedure that is the issue, Sally could very well do that. It’s the equipment and the actual transplant that is the biggest expense. The manufactured heart they would have to insert is extremely expensive.”

Quatre sighed, making me sigh. I kept looking out the window, pretending to be lost in thought, but I just couldn’t bear to see his face. I wanted to hold him, I wanted to cry in his arms, all the tears I’ve held back for so long. And the tears I will shed when I don’t have my Cathy anymore.

I guess he then grew tired of my silence and walked towards the door. I hear it shut, and with it, a sharp pain in my heart. Once again, he left, without saying what he wanted to. I knew he was scared, but I can’t make him say it. Another wall falls between us. And I hoped that maybe…maybe…you and I could…

“Trowa, you listen to me!” I turned around swiftly, catching a sight of a very upset Quatre. His voice was hard and angry. “I’ve made a decision and you’re going to accept it. Whether you like it or not. And you better like it, because I wont take no for an answer.”

“Eh?”

“I will pay for Cathy’s operation. In full. No questions asked.”

“I…” I opened my mouth to speak, but he pressed his hand against it. His eyes flickered in the dim light.

“I said no buts. I made you unhappy in the past, and all I want to do is give you back your happiness. I can’t undo all the pain I caused you, but I want avoid there being more pain. I do this because everything that you hold dear is just as important to me…” his voice trailed off, his hand still against my lips. I softly murmur something into his palm, his eyes locked with mine. I feel the familiar chills running like mad down my spine. He breaks into a smile as I take his hand into mine.

“You’re welcome. Here, I will write down the number of a friend of mine who works at the Hospital. He will help you.” He breaks away from me momentarily and draws a business card and a pen out of his shirt pocket. He scribbles in the back and hands it back to me. I look at it. ‘Quatre R. Winner: President. Winner Enterprises.’

“Thank you.” I say once more. He smiles, as he goes back to the door, closing it softly behind him. I sit staring at it for a long while, I forget how long. I seem to have lost track of time, his scent makes me daze into a dream, so real, so good I don’t want to come back to reality. I turn back to the view in the window. It stopped raining. The city looks refreshed, cleansed. I feel like the city.

I draw the card to my sight, turning it to see what he wrote. My face lights up in a big smile, my eyes not focused on the physician’s name or the office number, but on the last words.

-Forever in love with you, Quatre.

* * *

Whoever said that love makes the world go round was obviously broke. It’s amazing what money can do and how much it moves people. The L2 Memorial Hospital is probably the most solicited in the entire cluster. Therefore the rates are skyrocketing quite frequently and waiting lists are held up to 4 months in advance. It took one look at my recommendation for Dr.Williams to schedule a triple bypass for my Cathy next week. The AIDS wasn’t even an issue. I should be glad, but it sickens me that this man would rather do this for the vast amount of money he’s receiving than for saving, or at least, helping out a human being.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to spend as much time with her as possible, taking most of the night shifts so that I can be there when she wakes up. My temporary post in the colony’s space mechanic department is giving me considerable profits, and soon I will be able to have the complete amount for the operation. I couldn’t talk Quatre into not paying for it, so I figured I’d pay him back with this money. Quatre…he hasn’t changed at all. He decided he would take care of Cathy when I’d be at work, and of course this was an offer I could not refuse (because he simply would not let me). And Cathy adores him, I’ve never seen her laugh and giggle so much with anyone before, especially someone she’s just met. The thought makes me break into a big smile, I can just imagine them playing horsy together, Cathy pulling on poor Quatre’s hair and kicking his sides…and Quatre laughing. I can almost hear him now; the sound of his laugh brings back so many memories…

Even though this is only a house he occupies when he’s on business trips, I still find it too flashy and big, at least for my taste. I’m just not used to this money life, all the decoration, expensive things, it makes me feel…out of place. I make my way to the front doors, covered in delicate gold designs and marble carvings. So much decoration confuses me as I try to find the doorbell. In a failed attempt and my own exasperation, I knock.

“Coming!!!” it was Quatre’s voice.

The doors opened then, and Quatre appeared, Cathy clung to his back, giggling. She had only one shoe on and Quatre’s hair was all messed up, his shirt was out of his pants as well.

“Daddy!!!” she yelled, in less of a second was all over me. I picked her up, giving her a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Are you ready to go?” I asked; her brow furrowed mildly.

“I want to stay longer!” she chirped. I looked over at Quatre, who was just smiling. He walked over to me and took her from my hands, placing her on his shoulders.

“If you don’t mind Trowa, I thought it would be a good idea to let her stay over tonight. I’d be more than happy to drive both of you to the hospital tomorrow, and if you want you’re welcome to stay too. Well, I imagine you would…hoped you would.” He looked directly into my eyes, he seemed happier, lighter. The weariness I had noticed over him when I first saw him was gone.

“All right,” I agreed. “But remember we need to arrive at 4 sharp.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wake you up.” Quatre chuckled.

“I’ll make sure of that. If I remember correctly, you don’t pay attention to your alarm clocks anyways!” I replied, unaware of the smile that escaped my repressed feelings.

“Hey! I’m not the one who secretly disarmed my mini-sandrock clock, making both of us super late for work for about a week!” Quatre laughed, making me laugh along. I remember that…that damn thing was so loud I just couldn’t stand it, but Quatre loved it so much I just could chuck it out the window like I fantasized every time the God-forsaken thing went off.

“Heh, and I though you’d never find out.”

“I just know you.” Quatre replied, and for a moment that seemed an eternity, we just stared into each other’s eyes. I could see the times we spent together, all those little things, moments of happiness, condensed into those turquoise orbs, flooding with feeling, that no matter how hard I could try, would still find their way into my heart. Even though there were no words, we were speaking. Telling each other how in truth, how little had changed. At least within us.

“Daddy, I’m sleepy…” Cathy whined. Quatre and I both blinked in unison, breaking away from our spell. With Cathy’s presence again acknowledged, the tension returned, and the distance broadened.

“Its pretty late for you, off to bed. Um, Quatre, where is the room we’re occupying? I asked, taking Cathy into my arms. Quatre motioned us to follow him, leading the way up some stairs. I glanced at my watch, it was almost 11pm. I cursed silently for not being able to get off work earlier. I would have loved to spend some time with her before tomorrow.

“Here is the room. It’s not much, but the maid prepared it specially for you.” Quatre said, as he turned to me. I placed Cathy on the bed, she was already asleep. She gets tired easily, each day more and more. I moved a stray hair away from her face.

“Quatre…” I started, but the rest never came out. He just looked at me, his expression telling me he knew what I didn’t pronounce. He closed the door behind him, softly. And in that second, I felt a lump rise in my throat. A lump that turned into a word. A word that was not spoken. Never was, and the one that should have been…a very long time ago.

Stay.

* * *

…In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost…

“Amen.”

“You’re awake?” I turned to face him. He shrugged and sat besides me. We stared at the moon in silence.

“You’re worried sick, aren’t you?”

“Is it that obvious?” I snorted. I heard a soft chuckle in return.

“You always pray when you’re worried. I can’t blame you. I am too.” He turned to the moon, the light delicately touching his face, bathing it in a white, homogenous blanket of light. He looked like an angel, so beautiful, my breath stopped. Knowing speaking was useless because I would not be able to, I succumbed to the silent melody of the night. Both of us, sitting on the railing of the porch, under the rain of stars and fireflies. I felt a warm, comforting feeling, something I had not felt in a long time. Something only he could make me feel. As if nothing in the world could go wrong…if he was there…Quatre…

“Yes?” he turned back at me, making me realize I had said that last thing out loud.

“I…” I stammered, flushing a deep crimson shade, not of embarrassment, but of rage that there was just no way for me to speak when he was around. Maybe it was because I wanted to say many things, and I wasn’t sure if I should. Things are very different now. It might not even make a difference anymore. But he keeps looking at me, with those eyes. And I just cant deny the beauty I see in him, and the pleading of his heart asking me for an answer.

“I just don’t know what I would have done without your help.” I finally answer. “You have returned to me hope, and will be forever in your debt.”

“No…” he softly shook his head. “I’m not asking for anything in return. Well…maybe one thing. I want to see your smile again. That smile you used to have, which brightened my life. I want to see you happy. If I can get that from you, then everything I’ve done will have been worthwhile.”

“I am sorry for all the things that have happened in the past…” I began, but he cut me off, placing a finger on my lips. It was too much temptation, a rush of old feelings overcame me, and I placed his hand on top of his, taking it to my cheek, pressing it against my skin to feel his softness, his warmth.

“No matter what happens, I will be forever with you.” He whispered. I closed my eyes, fighting back tears, tears that were overdue, that I should have cried a long time ago. “Forgive me too. I’m so sorry.” He lowered his head, but kept his hand in place. I glanced down at him; he looked so fragile, so precious. I cupped his face in my hands, this time completely willing to dive deep into that ocean of light within his eyes.

“I never wanted to be away from you.” I whispered, pulling his face closer to mine. He winced, lips trembling. His hands nervously took place to my shoulders. He finally whispered closely, his breath delicately touching my lips, sending shockwaves to my spine.

“Stay.”

We both smiled. He suddenly looked like the same 16-year-old boy that once saved my life…and now saves it again. Closing our eyes, we leaned into each other, the distance that once separated us now reduced to nothing. Our lips closed in for the long awaited encounter, when…dammit, whoever it is has the worst timing in the universe!

The phone rang.

“What the?!..” we both jumped in complete shock. It was almost 3 in the morning. Quatre ran to the kitchen to grab the nearest phone, and I silently cursed to Hell and back whoever had the bright idea to call, at this hour, at this exact time. It was a slap in the face, sort of reminding you that this is reality, and that dreams and fairy tales don’t last, they vanish like smoke in the rain. And it happens when you start thinking that it could finally be real.

Quatre didn’t return right afterwards, which led me to believe that it was not just a wrong caller or a prank. I sneaked in the kitchen, finding him hear the fridge, his hands trembling. Before I could say anything, he hung up.

“Is everything all right?” I asked, but he didn’t reply. His eyes looked blank. His skin whiter than usual. He was making his way to the rooms, but I stopped him. The whole situation was making me even more nervous.

“Quatre? Are you all right? What happened?” I asked in soft, but firm voice. He finally lifted his face, his eyes overflowing with tears. My entire body went cold.

“I have to get to the hospital immediately. You go get some rest and get there when its time for Cathy’s operation.” He mumbled, his voice incredibly tense and hoarse. I felt my entire body turn to ice. The doctor refused to do the operation; they decided Cathy wasn’t worth saving…millions of similar thoughts went through my head. Quatre budged to break away from my grip on his shoulders, but I tightened more.

“That was the hospital? What happened? Did they refuse the operation?” I frantically asked, my breath speeding. Quatre seemed at a loss for words. I opened up my arms and hugged him. When he finally stopped shaking, I pulled him away to see his face.

“Who was it that called?”

“It was Heero. Trowa…Duo, he’s…he’s…” his voice broke. My eyes widened, something was terribly wrong.

“He’s what?!”

“Duo’s in a coma! He’s overdosed!” his pupils were completely dilated in spite of the darkness. I just stood there, motionless. I felt unable to command my body, so when Quatre pulled close to me, his face buried in my chest, dampening my shirt with his tears, I could do nothing. My arms wouldn’t embrace him even though I wanted to with all my heart. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even breathe.

All I could do was cry too.

T.B.C

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Author’s notes: Wow, this has really become a looong one! I apologize for taking so long in writing this part, but school is really picking up right now, its almost the end of the semester and every teacher thinks that their class is most important and don’t really give a damn if you have a thousand other things you need to do for your other classes *sigh* well, I'm sure some of you know how this is…like I said before, I'm just letting these go as they develop, but I think I'm going to wrap it up in the next one. I’m not one of those writers that do like, 20 chapters or more…but I do love angst! I’m thinking after this fic, I'm going to try a little lighter note, though. Hope you like this! The song “Baby Mine” is ©Frank Churchill. (It’s the song from Dumbo, but I like Alisson Krauss’ version better).

-Kuroi Tenshi =:)

The Full Disclaimer

Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing is trademark and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated companies. The characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the author.