A Fanfic
by Kuroi Tenshi
Date:
04/02/01
Type:
drama/angst/shounen-ai/etc, etc, etc…
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, just love them:) Its written in first person POV. Each part is spoken by a different character. Official disclaimer at the bottom. Song “Humming” is ©Portishead, 1994.
Love
letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org
Key: /songlines
in italics and bars/
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Part 5
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2:58 with 11 seconds. I’ve been standing around
here for 2.6 hours. And still no word.
I placed the receiver back in place. Quatre
should be here soon, and I find that that makes me feel quite uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable for requesting his assistance. I’ve been relying on his help the
entire time I’ve been here and I hate that. I thought I had it all under
control, I though I could do it all. But I couldn’t do the simplest thing, the
thing that mattered the most…I could not help him.
And now he is somewhere I can’t reach. The
doctors will not tell me anything. They took him in, and then disappeared
behind those white doors. This place makes me feel highly unusual. Morbid white
walls, scent of sterilized flesh, the acid stench of formaldehyde burning my eyes.
I wonder if he can smell it too. If he can see these blinding lights. The white
clad figures walking around like ghosts. It smells like death all around here.
It smells of you, Duo.
I shivered, both from the blasting air
conditioning and the crudeness of my own thoughts. As if the agony of
uncertainty wasn’t enough, I keep torturing myself inwardly. If I had only been
here before, I should have come back sooner, I should have never left him…I
should have listened to you, Duo. I would like to apologize, but I might not
get that chance ever again. And if I had that chance again, I most likely would
not say anything. I would let it eat me up all inside, until there was nothing
left, so that I could join you, maybe, if there is still a chance for me to get
into Heaven.
Wufei signals me to sit back down. I hadn’t
realized that I had been pacing back and forth, all throughout the entire
waiting area. I can hear my skeletal joints creak as I walk over to him.
Wufei...one of the very few people that really understands me. Maybe its
because our customs are similar, who knows, but he always seemed to know how I
thought. Like he had said, we are soldiers, and there is just no room for love
in the hearts for soldiers. Soldiers live for battle that’s all. They do not
know how to function in a peace-based society.
We fuck things over, don’t we?
“Yuy, I’m going to get some coffee. You want
some?” he offers.
“Hn.” I nod. My throat is too sore to talk.
“All right. I’ll be back in 5 min. Page me if
anything comes up.” Wufei replied, and walked away. I just sat there with my
arms crossed, head low, eyes closed. My superior sinus cavity is throbbing with
pain, my optical nerves burn from the lack of sleep and my muscles along with
my spinal ligaments are screaming for rest. But no pain, not even this, can
compare to what Duo’s going through. I can’t even begin to imagine what an
overdose of cocaine feels like. But as I remember the look on his face, there,
sprawled over the floor like a piece of garbage, I can only say that I’d rather
go to Hell first. No...
I would have rather that been me than you, Duo.
* * *
“So...who’s gonna pay for the ride?” he asked,
impatiently.
“I will. This once.” I replied, closing up my
jacket. I lowered my head to keep the rain from my eyes. Yet I could still see
him as I cocked my head to the side, standing there, frowning yet looking even
more beautiful than I remembered.
“Yeah, whatever. You still owe me.” He crossed
his arms, turning his nose up. He let out a little sneeze, which made me smile.
I couldn’t stop staring at him, standing there under the rain, chestnut locks
soaking wet dangling over his face, his black leather jacket shimmering in the
night lights as the droplets slid down. Just looking at him made my breathing
cease. I kept my mind on the patterns of my heartbeats because I found
irregularities in it, which increased in direct proportion to the time I kept
looking at him. Finally, a yellow vehicle pulled over and we approached the
near window.
“Hey, do you go by 17th street?” Duo
asked. The bearded man nodded wearily, he seemed tired.
“All right, get in.” I motioned Duo to enter
first. He just glared at me and took his seat. I followed right after,
signaling the man to take off. I removed my soaked jacket after I had taken my
seat.
I then turned my gaze to Duo, who was staring out
his window. Despite the downpour of rain, it was a beautiful night. The yellow
haze of the neon lights lit up his face in fascinating patters that mesmerized
me, and I could only stare, enchanted by his beauty. I found it amusing that he
still had that power over me. The power to move me by doing nothing at all. Duo
had always been very innocent about those aspects. He didn’t realize that he
didn’t need to act, or talk or speak a certain way. Just the way he breathes is
enough to break the ice walls that imprison my heart.
It was then that a certain song came on the
radio. It was a song that I hadn’t heard in a very long time, and it was only
right that it came on right then. It fit just right. I closed my eyes and
hummed lightly, when the sound of another voice broke my concentration. I
turned to find that the voice belonged to Duo, who had been humming in perfect
unison to me. He remembered as well.
“Man, I haven’t heard this song in forever”, he
commented. I looked at him. He didn’t have his usual smile or the frown he had
decided to wear in my presence. There was an emptiness in his eyes, a void.
Like the space that remains when something has died, or wasted away. And that
scared me...so much.
“I’m amazed you still remember the lyrics. Your
memory must have improved.” I joked, expecting a snap or even a punch. But
there was nothing. He didn’t even look up from the glass surface.
“Turn here. Right there, in front of the blue
one.” He finally said, to the cab driver. “Here you go.” He handed him a couple
of bills, and with the same speed got out of the car. I rushed out to catch up
with him.
“Duo!” I called out. He was at standing on the
sidewalk on the other side of the street, not moving. It was still raining,
maybe even harder, I could not tell. I was focused on him, standing there, like
a ghost under the falling rain.
“Why did you pay him? I was supposed to.” I
asked, as I finally approached him. He turned his head to the side, unwilling to
make eye contact with me. I took a step closer to break his stride.
“I decided I don’t want anything from you, even
less owe you anything. But don’t worry, there are a lot of other cabs that run
this area so you wont have any trouble finding one.” He replied, in a cold
voice, and turned to leave. But my hand, independent of my own command, grabbed
his shoulder, stopping him.
He shook it away. “Go away, Heero. Don’t ever
come back.” His eyes were cold, but I stared right into them. Right then, I
stopped caring about everything. About the rain falling into my eyes, about the
right words to say, about the things I should do, and the remains were simply
what I felt. For the first time, I understood what I felt.
“Duo...” I muttered lowly. He wasn’t looking at
me, but his expression changed when I pulled the gun from the inside of my
jacket. It was a mixture of shock and expectance. Of anger and amusement. Of
love and hate.
Which turned to utter confusion when I handed it
to him. “Here.” I said, placing the firearm in his trembling hand. “All the
words in the world will never convince you that I still love you, the same if
not more than before. From the moment I first saw you, Duo Maxwell, I have been
yours. I give you my death as well. Forever yours.”
Forever yours...the words I had said to him the
last time I had seem him. I felt droplets fall down on my face, as I kneeled on
the wet pavement, face upwards, eyes closed. It wasn’t the rain however. The
temperature of the droplets was slightly higher, and as one rolled down my
cheek, I caught it with my tongue, savoring the familiar taste. Bittersweet.
They came falling down faster than the rain, in a symphony of sobs and sighs. I
opened my eyes at the clunking sound of the fallen gun...and Duo’s uncontrollable
sobbing.
“Damn you...” he said, between breaths. “Damn you
for being the one...the one I had to love.”
“Duo, I don’t care if you love me, or hate me. Or
even if you despise me. But at least you feel something. And I am happy in the
knowledge that you still feel. That was what I always loved the most about you.
Your lack of fear to your emotions.” I walked closer to him, slowly not to
startle him. He just kept his head downcast.
“That’s the problem...that I still do. After all this time... I...” he started. My eyes narrowed, I knew what he was going to do. So as he went to pick up the gun and bring it to his temple, I punched him in the gut, tumbling him down over me. I put my arms around him, and at that moment I just let go. I shivered at the strangeness of this new feeling. Streams of pain flowing down my cheeks. My chest collapsing with each breath I took. No words could escape my lips. No words, but one. Duo. Over and over, I repeated his name. Duo...my Duo. In the midst of my oblivion I felt a pair of familiar arms embrace me. And the voice that belonged to them call my name, over and over.
And once again, we were one.
* * *
The remains of what seemed like a hurricane could
be seen all throughout the apartment. The time it took to get in and get through
the mess in the living room, created by the patterns of out clothes scattered
in random orders, was a blur in my mind, and before I could regain
consciousness of reality, we were in the bedroom. The space between the walls
seemed to minimize, leaving room for the two of us only. The way his skin felt
under my hands was sublime, as if it were the first time my calloused fingers
traced that delicate silk, drinking in its divinity. The irony was that the
less garments we had on, the hotter our bodies became. Until the only thing
covering use was desire. Pure and raw. I covered his mouth with mine, gasping
of joy into it, feeling myself dissolve in their tenderness.
His hands flew wildly down the sides of my legs,
making me groan loudly. My mind was a picture of chaos, completely unable to
function logically. The feelings I was having were indescribable by any humanly
possible logic. I looked down at his face, full of joy, filled with happiness.
Never in my entire life have I seen a sight as beautiful. And never have I ever
felt so small, in the presence of such purity. An angel surely he was, lying
there, in all his glory. Embracing me and covering my heart with his warmth.
Melting away the layers of ice that the years had built inside of me.
As insanity broke free within me, I held his arms
in place. I felt his legs wrap around my waist, telling me to come closer.
/Closer
No hesitation/
I took his mouth with mine, feeling the urge to
merge with him. My fingers ran wildly through his hair, undoing the bindings,
letting that soft, fragrant cascade of chestnut brown fall on the bed. The heat
of the friction of our bare bodies made me shiver. It was a mad dance of
grinding movements, drawing our frail minds closer to the edge. Never in my
life have I felt so free. And so lost at the very same time.
/ Give me
All that you have/
His arms drew me closer, tightening around my
neck. Our tongues battled for dominance, creating a fusion between us. Our
hands held together the thin ribbon that was left between us. And I then
realized how in far apart we really were in truth. Duo became a distant dream I
was fighting to reach. And I was a memory that left scars inside him. He wiped
the tear that fell from my face, as I thought and pondered on how something so
sweet could feel so wrong.
/And it's
been so long, that I can't explain
And it's
been so wrong
Right now,
so wrong/
Laying side by side, I dug my fingers in his
hair, as if searching for that something. He drew me closer, and our kissing
resumed, much faster, much more violent. In a frantic gasping for breaths, we
pronounced our desire. I felt a sharp sting as he scratched my back, a wave of
pleasure and pain mixed like a delicious cocktail. Finally, I reached down and
grabbed his erection, stroking it lightly. He held his head back in moans. But
I could still see the tears stream from his eyes.
/Naked
My
thoughts are creeping/
I started to stroke faster and faster, and he
groaned louder and louder. He grabbed my hair, pushing me down, telling me to
go further. I teased him some, first playing with the tip, then licking the
sides. His touch was uneven and trembling, his control completely shattered by
my tactics. I then took him in completely, suctioning so as to create pressure
around the shaft. He smiled in contentment, his hands down my back, then
rubbing my sides. I gasped as he pinched my nipple, distracting me from my
task.
/Too late
The show
has begun/
I could feel his agony within myself. I felt the
bindings of my mind slowly unravel. The ocean between us grew bigger but the
distance was much smaller. Duo called my name, it sounded so beautiful in his
voice, even if it didn’t belong to me. I gently wiped the tears from his face,
and pinned him on his back. The time to end it all had begun.
/And it's
been so long, that I can't explain
And it's
been so wrong
Right now,
so wrong/
Reaching over, I stumbled on to a tube of
lubricant on the nightstand. I didn’t even think why it was there at that very
moment. Reality had completely lost its meaning in the course of an hour. Words
had no meaning, there was no light, there wasn’t even darkness. My eyes could
se nothing, just him. Just the angel in had in front of me, waiting to give me
sanctuary. And my growing desire to be there. With my eyes closed, I dabbed the
lubricant on my own erection and placed myself on top of him, entering him
slowly. A rain of tears, both his and mine, flooded the world.
/Is it all
as it seems
So
unresolved, so unredeemed/
As if we were in a perfectly synchronized dance,
we moved, creating waves of overwhelming pleasure that destroyed our sanity.
Our hips fit as perfectly carved puzzle pieces, creating patters so exact like
a great harmony. I pushed his bangs out of his face, to stare into his eyes,
and as I did I gasped in surprise. Because all I could see in him was myself.
/If I
remain, how will I know/
Our movements became frantic and uneven, and we
felt each other come closer to our breaking points. I grabbed his shoulders and
he held on to me just as tight, and I felt my release fill him, and his at the
same time, covering our stomachs. My vision was blurry and I cannot recall when
I pulled out and collapsed next to him. It was all a haze, until I woke up and
he was not there anymore. I felt something inside me cry out like an alarm, one
of those things people call “premonitions”, when you feel something is wrong.
Following my feeling, I walked out the room, unaware of my nudeness. I felt my
head throbbing with pain, but that pain was meaningless compared to the pain I
felt when I finally reached the bathroom, finding Duo laying lifeless on the
tile floor, eyes wide open, and deep red blood out of his nostrils. What
happened afterwards not even I know. There is a block in between, the color of
his blood. So red, so alive.
/And it's
been so long, that I can't explain
And it's
been so wrong
Right now,
so wrong/
And now, almost dead.
* * *
3:35 and 23 seconds. I’ve been here for 3.4 hours
and still no answer.
Hospital coffee sucks so much, but I’m sipping it
because the damn air conditioner is blasting, making the waiting area feel like
fucking Siberia. Plus Wufei was nice enough to get it for me. I look over to
him, lying on the couch, fast asleep. Quatre arrived 30 minutes ago, along with
Trowa. He was carrying a small child, which I though was kind of odd. I didn’t
know they had a kid.
Quatre must have been as worried as me, only that
he displayed more of it than I. I think that angered him some. I understand
that, but I cannot act any other way. If I were to let my feelings free, I
would end up either murdering every single person in sight or destroying
myself, although I most likely wouldn’t succeed, if I take into account my
failed attempts. Even if he were gone, I am so stupid I couldn’t make myself
follow him.
“Where’s Trowa?” Wufei asked groggily, sitting
up. His question broke the thick silence in the room.
“He’s with Cathy, they’re getting ready to
operate. Oh Great Allah, on top of that we don’t have a clue about Duo’s
condition. Why did this have to
happen?” he replied, rubbing his temples. His voice was thick with pain and
anguish.
“Quatre...” I started. I felt my throat close up.
It was still too sore to speak.
“What is it, Heero?” he looked up, his eyes bloodshot.
“I’m...sorry. And thank you.” I managed to spit
out, and he smiled back at me. It felt good to know that there was still the
bond between us.
“Don’t worry about it, Heero. That’s what we’re
here for.” He replied, and Wufei nodded. Trowa then came in the room, looking a
bit more tranquil. He explained that the operation for his daughter was going
along successfully and that it was most likely to run smoothly.
“I can only hope the same can be said about
Duo...” he added, his eyes darkening. I looked over to him, our eyes locked. He
can feel my anguish, and I his worry. And I smiled again relieved that another
connection was still intact, the one Barton and I had forged so many years ago,
a faded memory now.
“Are you relatives of Mr. Maxwell?” A man in a
white coat suddenly asked, startling the four of us. I quickly stood up,
approaching him.
“We are his friends.” I told him. He nodded and
scribbled something on hid clipboard. His gaze then returned to me, making me
shiver.
“I need to speak with one of you.” He said. They
all rose to their feet, but I stopped them.
“Heero, let me go with you.” Quatre pleaded, but
I shook my head in disagreement.
“Stay here. Hilde is on her way, and news of
Cathy’s operation might come up.” I responded, and they all replied in
agreement. The doctor turned around heading into the hallway, and I felt my
heart sink as I followed.
We stood in the white hallway, watching the lab
coated people walk pas us like ghosts. The doctor kept scribbling down more
unknown words in his clipboard and the continuous sound of the pen against the
paper just made me even angrier. I finally decided to speak before I ended up
breaking his neck.
“How is Duo?”
His face wrinkled in an expression of uneasiness.
I was sweating ice cold when he finally decided to answer me. My fists clenched
automatically as if to defend me from some invisible blow.
“Mr. Maxwell suffered a stroke due to the
overdose of cocaine in his system. This caused the heart to overrun itself,
finally collapsing. The strain has caused parts of the muscle tissue to become
damaged as well as irregular performance.”
I blinked, unable to digest the news. Half of my
brain understood it, but the other half was unwilling to accept it.
“How is Duo?” I mechanically repeated.
The doctor sighed. “Mr. Yuy, your friend may
never be able to perform naturally ever again. He has a weakened heart. He is
extremely lucky to even be alive.”
I looked away to the window, unaware of the hot
dampness in my eyes, slowly rolling down my cheeks. I then noticed Trowa and
Quatre in another corner, speaking to another physician. They were smiling. A
life was saved today. But another one was lost.
“Mr. Yuy...” the doctor coughed, making me turn
my attention back to him. “I am very sorry...” he was starting to apologize,
like all doctors do, but I cut him off. I didn’t want to hear anything more.
His words stung like needles, everything in this goddamn place was making me
nauseous. He turned his gaze back to his clipboard, creating more scribbling
sounds, when a woman in green scrubs rushed to his side, yelling frantic.
“Dr. Takani, Patient in room 202 is in critical
condition! He’s having cardiac arrest!”
I felt my chest implode, and the doctor looked at
me in an expression that could never be described in words. What was left
unspoken in the air was what pushed me down.
“Doctor, the muscle wall can’t take the strain!
We need a tissue donor!”
“Ms. Gensai, prepare the patient for
intervention. Notify the donor banks...”
“I’ll do it.” I interrupted, making their heads
turn towards me in astonished gazes.
“Mr. Yuy that simply cannot be done. We need
tissue from a heart’s muscle wall. If we were to take that from you, your own
heart would be weakened.”
“I said I’ll do it.” My face began to feel hot,
as it was flushed with anger. I walked past them, noticing their jaws fall to
the ground. I took the clipboard from the doctor and grabbed his pen. And they
didn’t dare budge as I glared at them, eyes locked with his.
“Give me a release form, now.” He ordered the
nurse.
* * *
“No!!! I wanted to watch that!”
“Hn. Why on earth do you want to watch something
as idiotic as ‘Cow and Chicken’?”
“Whatever. At least its more fun that that boring
‘Discovery Channel’”
“It impossible for a baka like you to understand
that kind of information, specially with your mental incapacitation for higher
learning.”
“Ah shaddup!”
“Hahaha, he’s right Maxwell. You should stick to
programs that speak the same Neanderthal language as you.”
“Oh great, now Wufie is here to torture me. As if
it wasn’t enough with Mr. Education over here.”
“Keep quiet Maxwell. You might actually learn
something is you keep quiet enough to actually listen.” Wufei replied, placing
a rather large bouquet of white carnations and lilies on the night table that
separated Duo and me. I pressed the buttons on the remote to change the channel
back to that infernal cartoon so that he might shut that hole of his for a
decent amount of time. Instead, the plan backfired and he filled the room in
outburst of manic laughter.
“Oh shit, that was great.” He said, wiping away a
tear. “ I think I just pissed my pants.”
“God Maxwell, you are such a bum.” Wufei scoffed,
hiding a small smile as he placed the flowers in the water pitcher. I didn’t
really care, even hospital water tastes like shit.
“Hey Heero! Lets call the hot nurse so she can
give us a sponge bath!” Duo smirked, playing with his hands in a mischievous
manner.
“Duo, they’re not call girls. Besides, they’d
probably send one of the really old wrinkly ones.”
“Ugh, you’re right.” He said, making a face.
“By the way, who are the flowers from, Wufei?” I
asked, craning my neck to get a better look at them.
“They’re from Quatre and Trowa. They’re here, but
they’re with Cathy right now. They said they’d come by in a bit.”
Duo looked over to the flowers as well, trying to
move to smell them, but the strain made him wince in pain. Even though he was
almost completely healed, his heart had suffered irreparable damage and was
forever weakened. I guess you could say I was in the same situation.
“Its about lunchtime, I’m going to go get
something at the Burger Shack across the street, that cafeteria food is nasty!
You guys want something?” Wufei inquired, pulling his jacket back on.
“Hell yeah! I want a Double Decker Cheeseburger
with bacon, mega fries, 10 piece chicken fingers...”
“Duo! You just underwent massive heart surgery!
Jesus, try to keep yourself alive this time!” Wufei snapped. I couldn’t hold my
amusement anymore and exploded in laughter. Minutes later, Duo and Wufei were
joining me in likeness.
“Just get us two large fries.” I told Wufei, he
smiled and exited the room, leaving Duo and me trying to recover from the
abdominal pain from hard laughter.
“Heero...” Duo started, and I turned to face him,
feeling a gasp escape my mouth. He looked so beautiful, dressed in white, those
deep blue eyes shimmering in the morning light.
“Thank you for giving me your heart...literally!”
he burst out in laughter again. I gave him a scowl, but we both knew it was in
good nature. I closed my eyes to try to sleep, but I felt his gaze fall upon my
once more.
“Aishiretu yo, Hee-chan.”
“Duo...”
“Don’t go away again, Heero.”
I turned to face him, breaking into a wide smile.
He returned it even bigger.
“Never. Never again.”
END.
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Author’s notes: THANK THE LORD THIS THING IS
DONE!!! God, this has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write,
not because writing about GW is hard, but because I just had to choose to start
a series in the middle of midterms, running all the way through finals. Yes, I
love making my own life hell-_- But I only hope other people will enjoy this
fic as much as I have. Enjoy y’all.
-Kuroi Tenshi=:)
The Full Disclaimer
Shin Kidousenki
Gundam Wing is trademark and
property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated companies. The
characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of
completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the
author.