Why?

Today I asked myself this question. Why do I write? More specifically, why do I write fanfics? I thought about it, while I was in the shower actually. Why write fanfics? Why invent a fantasy for characters I didn’t even create? Why write about these characters? And then I arrived at the question I was really asking myself…why do I feel so attached to them?

I guess the answer to this one is pretty generic. Because I can relate. But as I gave it more thought, I realized that I just wasn’t relating to a specific character, or a series. It was that in each of them I saw pieces of myself. What I was, wanted to be or wasn’t at all. Sometimes what I hated about myself as well. I think that is why most people write so many fanfics, because in a way, it’s a path so a discovery…. well, I take that back, not really a discovery, but a realization, and even a path to self-improvement.

Ok, I'm not saying that by watching anime, I have become everything I wanted to. Anime didn’t change me, *I* changed me. It just so happened that anime was my outlet, my way of saying what I really wanted to say. A sort of language. I language I could really understand. For some people, its music, art, science, etc. What we chose to do in life, our true dreams, is the way we REALLY say what we want. Words and writing are just the means to let others know this.

As I thought more into why I felt so drawn to certain characters, I realized that when I wrote about a character in particular, I wasn’t making myself BE that character, that was just the part of me that needed expression at the moment. Because when I write a fanfic, I am not the star character, I am EVERY SINGLE ONE there. I am Duo, and Heero, and Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Noin, Zechs, Treize…etc. Not only that I am also Rei, Shinji, Asuka, Misato and Kenshin, Kaoru, Sanosuke, Tomoe, Soujiro….so many of them. Because there is so much in me. When I write about them, I highlight the things in them that are inside me. I am Duo’s impulsiveness, Trowa’s detachment, Heero Self-destructiveness, Quatre’s innocence and naiveness, Wufei’s exaggerated sense of honor, Une’s conflicting personality, Noin’s devotion, Relena’s confusion, and I could go on and on, but these are the ones I can see that pop up the most. And as I think about other characters that I have felt so close to it was scary, I can see that I am Ayanami’s enigmatic personality (I’ve actually been compared to her, on the emotional side not physical, so many times I’ve lost count). I am also Shinji’s low self-esteem, but I’m also Asuka’s anger. Misato’s denial and Ritsuko’s cynicism. So many of them, and by writing about them, I started to know ME. A quote from EVA comes to my mind as I say this: “The self is composed of two selves: the self that observes itself and the self that is observed by others.” And as I wrote about them, and their aspirations, their troubles, gains and loses, I found my own dreams and aspirations, gains and loses (pardon my redundancy). I saw what I wanted and what I didn’t. I also learned about the things I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want Commander Ikari’s cruelness, Kaji’s constant lying (I’m sorry all you Kaji fans out there, but he really was a big liar). Shinji’s worthlessness, or Asuka’s hate. I liked Kenshin’s iron strong will, but I despised the lack of acknowledgement he had over himself, his lack of self-love. And like I said before, I could make a 1000page list of the things I found in characters but as of right now, these are the ones that seem to emerge. And tomorrow, something or some other character will draw me to them, because I will have changed. Therefore, everything around me changes.

I write to get it all out. Because I don’t want to kill myself (which is probably what I would do). Its not that I’m afraid of dying, because I’m not, I’ve been almost there on several occasions, but its because I don’t want to die without trying first. Going for those dreams, going all the way. I guess this is where Heero’s dedication to his mission comes out in me. I must first fulfill my mission before I can die. Once I do that, I don’t care what happens to me. I have very little regard to myself outside of my duties, which reminds me so much of Trowa *grin*…

But my own sense of honor pushes me to do this (ahh there’s Wufei). I write so that I can remain sane, and able to function in society. Because the thing with me is I don’t talk. If you ever met me, you’d think I was a wall. Yeah, I write A LOT, but I don’t speak. My teachers think I’m mute and my classmates say I’m intimidating (I’ve heard it so many times its like a broken record). People like me use writing as an outlet. This is a way for me to say what I really feel. Even if I tried, I could NEVER put in in spoken word. Every time I try I choke. Useless to say, I’ve lost friends and relationships because of this impediment. But really thinking about it, they weren’t true anyways. If I was really that difficult, I wouldn’t have the friends I have now, not many, but enough. Its like a shoe, if it fits it fits. If not, it belongs on another foot. *God, where do I come up with these analogies…*

There are so many answers to my question, but this one is enough for me. At least for now. I will most likely ask this to myself again, a month from now, or more, and come up with a completely different answer. But the one thing that remains true is that this is the way I find myself. Because I lose myself in it. And over and over, I get to know me all over again.

This is dedicated to the people who created these wonderful characters and their stories. Cheers.

-Kuroi Tenshi.