SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE

A FanFic by Kuroi Tenshi

Date: 27/12/00

Type: angst/deathfic/songfic

Disclaimer: Characters are copyright©1996.Nobuhiro Watsuki, along with related companies. The song “Something I can never have” is ©1989 Trent Reznor and Nine-Inch Nails. I am POOR, so it’s a waste of money and time to sue me; I’m only doing this for fun/boredom. Oh one more thing, please download the song and play it as you read, its part of the interactive-ness of my songfics;) Ok, on with the show!

Love letters at: K_Tenshi@gundamwing.org

It’s been a while, ne?

The water ran over the gray limestone, as if it were washing it. It just kept coming down, everything. The rain seemed to know my misery. It fell down, like my mask, melting under the downpour, cleaning everything off, but leaving it empty as well. And I find myself not smiling anymore. The feeling I fought so hard to repress for so long comes back as if it never left.

I still recall the taste of your tears

echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears

I try to swallow down the big lump choking me. Kneeling down, I put the bucket with flowers aside, the yellow petals beaten down by the fierce rain. My thoughts are clouded; the sky looks very much like an imprint of my mind. So as I stretch out my hand to caress the tombstone, it doesn’t look mine anymore. I must be dissolving away with the rain… and it doesn’t sound that bad at all.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

I wish it were her hair I was stroking. And that the fragrance of the flowers under the rain was hers. Hakubaiko…white cherry blossoms. I wish it was her eyes I was staring into, but it was just a cold gray stone, a cold gray reminder of the only good thing I ever had…and that I let go. Two words that still haunt me. My sheath.

Himura Tomoe.

You make this all go away

you make this all go away

I’m down to just one thing

and I’m starting to scare myself

you make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

I promised you I would come back, but I never did. Because I’m a coward, and you know it. Because I’m such a fucking coward I cant bring myself to face you, and this thing just grows bigger and bigger. Please forgive me for trying to sweep it all under the rug, like I usually do.

This. This thing I am now, this savior. This is all thanks to you.

I didn’t save the world today. You did.

You always were the one to show me how

back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now

Somehow my vision became all blurry. I must have been holding my head up towards the sky, the coldness of the water awakens my senses again. I think I got some water in my eyes, I don’t remember opening them, though. No. It’s not the rain, the droplets are warm and salty. Crying, I must have been crying. Heh, me of all people. I’m amazed I still have these kind of feelings.

This thing is slowly taking me apart

grey would be the color if I had a heart

Come on tell me

Tomoe. If only I had told you that I loved you.

Tomoe. You took everything that was me with you.

Tomoe. Please save me

Tomoe. Make this all go away

You make this all go away

I’m down to just one thing

And I’m starting to scare myself

You make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

Kyoto doesn’t seem like such a bad place anymore. The nightmares are slowly fading away. But the scent of your skin, the sweet honey of your lips, stay embedded in my mind.

In this place it seems like such a shame

Though it all looks different now,

I know it's still the same

Everywhere I look you're all I see

I came here today to remember that which you taught me. And to give you my happiness. The happiness that I found after searching for so long. But I can’t get rid of the shame. Shame for everything I did to you. I should have protected you, but I destroyed your happiness. I destroyed you. All this is…

Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Tomoe, I can’t take this anymore. This pain is eating me inside. I can’t make it go away. Please tell me how to make it go away.

Come on tell me!

And I realized I wasn’t silent anymore.

You make this all go away

I’m down to just one thing

And I’m starting to scare myself

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have

I think I must have been kneeling down, because my hakama was covered with mud. My throat was a bit hoarse. I stood up wobbly, my head still going in circles. I hadn’t felt such a rush of emotions is so long. I glanced back at her. A stone in the middle of a graveyard, pointing to a hole in the ground that was empty. It suits me, I guess. The hole in my chest is empty too. I have my emotions back, the ability to care and love, thanks to Kaoru. But… Tomoe, you took my heart with you and left me with this scar to forever remember it.

Remember that I am nothing without you.

Seijuuro Hiko found me as the sun started to come out. He saw me under the rain and threw his umbrella into my hands. He noticed the flowers, which I had momentarily forgotten, so I put them next to the grave.

Live Kenshin, he had said. Stops being so goddamn stubborn.

He knows what I’m going to do. He smirks as he walks away, and I can only smile. I have something to return to, a family, friends, people that care for me. I´ll try and make a life again. But If I should tell you what I really want, I want you again. Tomoe. I just want…

Something I can never have.

“I´ll see you at the next Obon”, I said, glancing back at her, smiling.

END

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Author’s notes: Well, this is yet another RK fic, my first featuring Ken-san. I know its very angst-ridden, but I wrote this while I was sick and feeling miserable, so excuse me for the depressive rambles, hehehe:p I really enjoy writing about RK characters, so you can be sure that more goodies will come along. Till then!

-Kuroi Tenshi=:)

Full Disclaimer:

Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki, Shuiesha, Sony Music Entertainment, and associated companies. The characters are used without permission for entertainment purposes and of completely no profit at all. Original portions of this work belong to the author.