Then one day, the Dalai Lama killed a man, who was re-incarnated as a goat owned by a French Canadian trapper. He decided to shoot George Bush with a bazooka, but it backfired. Flame throwers burn that same man to a crisp. While in Virginia (and Ruth was that guy’s name), you are fucked by hot supermodels who are dumb. Ruth got killed, and Earth rejoiced.
And then, unexpectedly, someone decided to visit bin Laden, and gave him a big bag with 12 donuts, which he then declared jihad against, and ran over to Burger King, where his heart was won by a hot Swedish janitor named Carl. Carl was fat; Osama didn’t mind. He liked fat, cuddly, furry men with very small, but very smelly, shoes and socks.
Meanwhile, in Liechtenstein, a lesbian named Greta and her girlfriend Helga went to buy some King crab legs, with snow peas and mashed potatoes.
Elsewhere, on Mars, a white elephant trekked his way across a valley to find the Pathfinder rover which would give him some wheels to throw at the stupid Ivory poachers. A smart ass from British Columbia is better than a Democrat from Massachusetts, who flip-flops there in Boston, a city that finally proved that aliens exist in the Jersey Turnpike, who take on the image of Dan, the almighty wanker of North Texas, and is really just one person with a mental disease from Rent-A-Mule Express, who dances to disco music in the bathroom at a Denny’s owned by crackheads in the ghetto over by Denver, with Klingons and drunken monkeys from Alpha Centauri and crazy turkeys from Zeta Ursa Major, and lemurs from that crazy planet known as Switzerland, around the corner from a bordello where Ellie works.
Ellie killed Proma, Proma can’t die, meh bah snah. “Excuse me,” said Proma as he fell out of his man bra, although he doesn’t wear one, and everything said about him are jokes. Because GWB likes hot women. However, strippers cost too much to be much, so he goes home and bought a doughnut, and killed strippers with a doughnut and a pony and a gun to ride his unicycle. Later, in on his wife, then he hit the lotto jackpot with 10 million porno bucks, to watch them rent movies at Krazy Karl’s Adult Chewy Toy Factory, which burned down last Tuesday night; on wing night.
Someday, we will kill them all, those damn republican red state commies! And the Pinkos! None will be spared from my rage filled wrath. The wild monkey has brought down the entire clown army of Happiness that went the other way to Mexico yesterday, but it took a whole month in Wild Bill’s Crematorium after the postal service burned their mail that was going to be porno for some piss drunk barfly, who began shooting after it found a very large, yet very small fly, laying eggs in his bladder, where it was ill from eating bad fried chicken. So he vomited on his shoes. So he cleaned the vomit up, and everyone cheered, then drank beer and sang songs and flashed breasts. Then someone else screamed “YAY BOOBIES” and got slapped on the rear by Jim McGreevey, and he took some guy named Matthew Saunders and led him into a Turkish brothel full of camels and naked gay women. Yes YES!!!! Then Ataturk’s Ghost sent them all to the Republic of Atlantis and fed them to a Megaladon shark.
Later, in the Bikini Atoll, a nuke goes AWOL when it decides “I hate J-Lo”, and aims itself at the Oval Lake in nearby Taongi atoll, but nothing really happens until happy hour, when we’ll drink blood in gallons, and then vomit the gallons of blood on our expensive carpet that washes clean in 42 easy steps, all thanks to a magic soap called Oxy Clean.
Meanwhile, in Liechtenstein, a dirty magazine with naked lesbians jumping on top of the Maytag Super Ultra Laundry Company International Limited repairman were found in a priest’s boy-raping room, where alter boys, surprisingly, got raped.
Elsewhere, at a Wisconsin gun shop, where GWB was playing with his brand new machinegun, with a spiffy underslung grenade launcher, was fired at an ugly customer who shops at the 7-11 by the porn store, that sold sex-toys, new and used, for use with peanut butter and a spreading knife that spreads ribs. For good eating, try Mitchell’s fish, caught fresh in the East River, where the chemicals perfectly preserve the hook caught in dirty, stinky fish, which have gigantic eyes and ugly fins so big that lift his scale covered body, which is hydrodynamic allowing dynamic space flight and terrific explosions, causing volcanic eruptions and giant tsunamis all across Japan, made them all run from Godzilla and Rodan, who fought each other until their arms fell off.
Das boot im is not English, but sounds like bürgerliches Gesetzbuch im. Enough German Proma, you stinking monkey, or large rocks found in quarries will be thrown at Proma until he speaks English better than Dubya, which isn’t hard for most people…even the frenchies…just not Proma.
Meanwhile, in Turkmenistan, a camel humping machine caught fire, and burst into a warehouse that was filled with giant fluffy pillows and crack whores, where the wiener schnitzel was making a fool of himself in an initiation of the Association of Proma Bashers.
Later, at K-Mart, they bought some cheap, ultra-large hula-hoops, which were made in Sears, where the buffalo roam, and crazy pandas had fun chewing the fleas in their fur, which was soft and smelled of meth smoke and cinnamon buns, that were tasty.
Meanwhile, back east, a guy named Osama bin Laden was ass raped by an elephant and a rhino from northern France who were visiting Tora Bora. The stupid French poodle was hit by a flying pancake and knocked back in time to the land of evil Genghis Khan, the baddest man who ever lived with gay Hitler, who would not go to sleep until eating some of Seb Seb’s dog treat cookies, laced with poison and bacon goodness.
Later, in France, a shower appeared, only to be destroyed by me, the artist formerly known as Mr. Thunder-X, then the evil police showed off their large wangs and shot off their large guns and some clay pigeons, whose names were Jim Bob and Doris-May from the t.v. show called I Love Lucy, but Stella doesn’t, no Stella doesn’t, dance the hoockie-coo like she used to before she learned the tango at the Copa Cabana Outback Steak House in France after sex on the River Ganges in Northern Outer Mongolia.
Meanwhile, in Dusseldorf, at the bar where gay Hitler was wearing lederhosen and eating schnitzel, a bomb exploded, causing gay Hitler to get splinters in his bum! Gay Hitler’s balls are shrivelled and torn apart from evil rabid hamsters, which were painted by William Wallace, blue and white with shaved bums and little minions with funny hats and red teeth and really small beady black eyes.
Somewhere in Saskatoon, a guy named Francois, the hairy unibrowed lumberjack, went into the woods with an axe which could chop logs and sticks that bite hard jerkified Gopher meat.
Later, in Mongolia, after the monkeys played bongo drums down by the ladies washroom in the bay, where the fish dance to the rhythm of the disco music with German dancing puppets and drunken midgets and gypsy clappers from Mars who have three legs and no brains. Sometime after lunch, GWB will have Pierre the lazy given a raise to minimum wage, because he is finally doing work and not being a lazy frog.
There once was a demented guy named George W. Bush, who declared war on the freedom-hating Mexicans by launching an attack into Columbia and Argentina, where he heard they had many Mexicans living there. The Pres then ate some pretzels and choked on Dick Cheney’s left nut, which happened to be salty. Tipper Gore fell on Dick Cheney’s large left foot, which so happened to be up in heaven with Elvis and Bob.
There was a green blob creature from Venus that liked to eat green jellybeans and South American midgets, but disliked the stinky French women because they taste like burning. The former king of Russia was killed by Lenin and Chechyn Rebel Bastards, because they hate innocent school children and they are school children killers, thus they will murder innocent children, and because of Chechyn Rebel Bastards who are Commie and are going to die painfully and burn in their childrens’ schools after Bush nukes everyone he hates.
Sunday in Nebraska there was corn; inside the corn, Chechyn Rebel Bastards were being killed by school children, wielding blunt objects like dictionaries and various other reference books. Meanwhile, herbivores ate Chechyn Rebel Bastards who killed innocent school children. The children smelled the sweet taste of Chechyn terrorists digging three holes. Dijon pissed on Brian’s shoe and Brian was confused by the dog, so he drove to Dijon and spit a silver bullet into the puddle of doom.
Then one day, Brian farted in front of an angry Mexican Nazi. “Mexico Über Alles,” he said with much gusto which led him into a trap set by rampaging cows and JW’s mangos. His foot was cut off when a Sherman tank ran out of tasty cookies and milk from a cow. Later, Bush got struck by lightning and flying beer thrown by the frat boys partying at Kappa Kappa Delta’s annual gay orgy all female orgy, when men can do stuff to gain pleasure from various means, such as throwing faces and buckets of fecal matter at George Walker Bush, who declared war on an emotion (terror), so he could look important and smarter than Spongebob, his personal hero, who lost his virginity to a unicorn with only one presidential term, just like Carter, who was in a bad movie with Rob Schneider, who was playing a giant carrot being chased by Bugs Bunny. Nukes hit Pyongyang and Paris, Berlin, and Mecca, George Bush fell in the missile silo after he pressed the big red button. Former Pres Clinton says “Hey Baby!” to the beautiful naked woman under the sign at the Flats Motel. He scored with Kathy Lee Gifford. Bill was drunk, so was Kathy, and nobody found the correct hole, so game over. “Fine with me” said GWB as Denzel Washington walked into his gunshop, where he bought a Javalin missile and a Super Soaker 2000, which shot acid streams into the milkshake which was given to Janet Jackson, who dumped it on Lil’ Kim, and her breasts. The FCC shat a mile long piece of sticky dookie after seeing Saddam Hussein’s over-sized pimple covered butt in National Enquirer, where Oprah was eating a hoogie which smelled like 10 dead skunks, which were sadly run over by trucks owned by Haliburton in a galaxy they also own.
Far, far away, in a land named Honalee, there was a magic dragon named Crisco who had an enormous wing span and many imaginary girlfriends that are hot and from the Sears Catalogue, which was the best porn supplement since the Walmart went belly up after losing business to Sam’s Club, which had strippers and a barber from Poland who thinks the year is actually 1939, and is wondering why the Germans haven’t overrun his barber shop yet.
Simultaneously, Paul Martin decided he wanted to give Québec a very erotic handcrafted statue of George W. Bush, so Monica Lewinsky horrified the world by offering Bill a nice warm cigar from the Cigar Box of Evil, and poisoned the water hole in the urinal.
Meanwhile, in Cambodia, the French doctor, Dr. Grasse took his mistress to the Ho Chi Minh Trail where the NVA shot both in the back of their French heads. Also, in Uzbekistan, a goat was eating someone’s cake when it was stolen by the filthy Chechen rebel, who went by the name Geraldo Rivera and worked for what he called the Devil, but was actually the son of David Koresh who lived in the Faux News van by the river where Geraldo turned into a goat. George Bush fell off his tricycle at the circus and choked on something of Cheney’s which smelled like cake and blood, but t’was pretzel.
In other news, the Pope of the Satanist Church at a Bratwurst that was infected by Error 503: which prevented the server from working. GWB took the big frickin gun and shot the stupid frickin server eight thousand times, but to no avail; the stupid frickin server worked as well as the UN, meaning that it is both incompetent as a Mexican and corrupt as a Liberal MP. But it could be stated that Liberal MPs are power-hungry corrupt Canadians resembling Democrats, but that’s mean. True, but this is nothing compared to the French-built server which was even worse than Ellie’s rash decision to go to Iqaluit and sell kayaks to ethnic Albanians. These Albanians were lost. Their kayaks were leaking in spots. They were burned at the stake by Kay, who decided they were as useful as the Guatemalan stupid fucking server, which annoyed the Almighty God Crisco, who was smited.
Chechyn rebel bastards were tired and built the stupid monument to Crisco, which was nuked. Russia nuked it. Crisco cheered happily, which was good. “Hail the Server,” Crisco said prematurely. Unfortunately, Wendell believed that Crisco had a dog named Dijon, which had problems with diarrhea. Fortunately, such a blast radius was prevented by the 14 suicide bombers. That’s not funny. Wendell ruins stories. Crisco is tired. “G’night,” he says.
A centimetre of snow fell here, but already melted. When the sun killed the snow, the angry snowman shot at the Ayatollah Khomeini who shat his pants. Then he jumped off the roof into flaming hell, but Satan threw him out of hell and into a trailer park, where he was shot by a Chilean Mountain Daffodil armed with a plastic pink machete and a water-gun. Both were made in China by Ellie & Kay, Inc; this Arizona company which made Kayaks in Alaska and shot helpless seals with .50 caliber ooey gooey bananas, which went belly-up today.
Many people who had lice moved to Canada where they gave lice to Canadians and Wisconsinians. The Wisconsinites itched for independence, but unfortunately we don’t have Kerry in the White House, we have George Bush, to Wendell’s delight. Then Robert Smith shot the Grand Republican Chairman of the Empire of Germany, which was conquering France again, with the help of monkeys of Charles de Gaulle, who stared dazed and confused into the onrushing German Legion of Mimes. Then Simon Gallup took a poll. Bush lost his Presidency to Porl Thompson, who nobody has ever met besides the mole people of Sudan and Chad, all named Larry, Flynt, and Bob McKensie.
Once long, long ago in a far-away land called Afghanistan, a camel was violated by Osama the Saudi Arab with his buddy Falwell and Benny Hinn after they bombed Ricky Martin’s yacht, Hillary Clinton’s house, and Roger O’Donnell’s new red Ferrari fell off a cliff onto a secret gathering of NAMBLA. People then laughed loudly. O’Donnell walked away with a gun and shot the wild monkey named Dick Cheney, who moaned like he was a donkey, when an earthquake destroyed Lakewood, Ohio, causing great rejoicing to the delight of Ronald McDonald and Bob Dylan, who mumbled a very dirty word, an example being: [Expletive Deleted] Mother. Then the FCC took over the sex-doll factory, located in East Yorkshire pudding land, with extra cream, and turned it into a five-course buffet serving ammunition to the Belgian Congo Militia to invade Ubangi-Chari.
In China, a pack of velociraptors ate Mao Zedong, and everyone cheered, except Deng Xioping, who soiled a big red diaper and cried loudly. Then, Roger Waters got super-drunk and ate the world’s largest pretzel in Bern, Switzerland. The makers of the hit TV show Blossom were in Wendell’s bathroom, making it smell all girly-fresh with potpuri and whore flowers plus skunk kidney and monkey brain stew, while everyone else was taking a bath with the Pope of Chiletown and Harry Houdini.
While visiting Japan, George Bush vomited a banana split into the lap of the hooker he just killed because she smelled, and the end of time was caused by Mr. Ed and Andrew Blondozy. Ozzy Osbourne ate a bat that was full of mustard and ketchup, then he took a massive chocolate pudding pie and threw it at the leader of stupid France! The last of the Mohicans came on the first of June to the tomb of Lenin where he taught the Communist Manufesto with the assistance of Spongebob, who explained how stupid Patrick really was. Then the squirrel misspelled his own name because spelling is unknown to J. Danforth Quayle.
Meanwhile, in Simonandgarfunklestan, music for complete idiots was released by Switchfoot, and yet another squirrel dropped down dead, after burying their nuts in John Kerry’s Boston Mansion. Brazil was suffering from a division of the atom, which led to a Democratic President who famously said “YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” Dr. Howard Dean made a paper airplane for his mini air force, which gleefully bombed the formation of the Bush cabinet. The government of the US responded with toy soldiers, because paper airplanes are easy to shoot down over their targets using water pistols.
Meanwhile, back at and Hillary’s breath makes no sense. “Well duh Wendell,” was said by CDurham of Texas, who likes a girl named Kristi. She liked to skate and talk about shopping for shoes again. Muffins attacked the Turkmenistan National Library looking for atlases and comic books with pictures of Laurence Tolhurst and John. “Only three words,” Morgoth told Joe, because Joe didn’t use three words, unlike Scott Peterson, who used his Order of Canada for evil deeds against Arabs in Arabistan and other smelly Arab places. Plus he rode a tree sloth for three hours.
Walking steroid Barry Bonds loved to sing Broadway show tunes while in the San Francisco bath-house, with his best friend Miss America 2004, whose boobs are comparable to two small grapefruit, but are still uglier than Kay’s. There was a Chechen rebel bastard named John Smith, who was a man with goats, and very primitve wife Lucy in the Sky with Doughnuts ate the Bill of a Platypus because she was hungry and quite stoned due to the bong. She later threw up on Crisco’s best shoes, which were made of Spongebob Square-no-pants, who ran like he had diarrhea, which Chris had.
While in Greece, people broke plates and broke dogs with mallets made out of carrots and chopped liver. Joey Joe Shabadoo had a strange fetish for women with three nipples, like from “Total Recall”, a truly terrible film once compared to Macbeth, but it was much better than “Dude, Where’s My Pepsi?” and the car was stolen by Chris Oakley. Damn them all, those damn dirty mud swimmers, they ate baby seals.
Twenty Elvis impersonators working at the Reno Paris Hilton and the regal pants of the Queen of England, who darts off in the direction of the last Samurai and the first donut made in Narvik, Norway. A little boy kicked an old man on the bus to Prince Edward Island, where the great Poobaa lived in a shoe by the coast and fished out a stuffed bass from the Land of Oz. Then the Lord of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne, sang on the Jay Leno show. The Turks in the Canary Islands ate their homework. The sad clown honked his nose at Bobo the Chimp from the Planet of the Monkey Smurf from New Caledonia, and is called the monkey haven of North Boobsaxon Land, which is south of Upper East Zuriqualya. After that, the Prime Minister of Hell took a shit on the toilet in the bathroom. Later, Bush flushed the toilet, only to realise the Kyoto Accord was used a fluffy toilet paper by the PUSA, who thought that breathalyser was a sexual device for giving artificial blowjobs and measuring the density of the mass around the center of Wendell’s keyboard.
In other news, the Politboro hired the Gambino’s hitman to hunt down every squirrel in Red Square so that he could make May Day a better family event by launching nuclear missiles at China, for the purpose of friendly relations between the Axis of Evil and the Empire of Furniture.
RampagingCow wanted to visit Canada to make RampagingCalves and drink RampagingBeer by the RampagingLiter, and goes rampaging about Jesusland states barfing up beer. While there, he was elected mayor. His first act was to declare himself Holy Cow the 1st, which was the bestest title ever. Or so he thought…later on, he went to Islamabad, Pakistan. The last Sheik shot him in the pantaloons where he kept his wallet and glasses. The killer pizzas ate their toppings and Crisco. They spat up Crisco, kicked him into the kitchen. Crisco made more enemies by invading Nepal, an unwise choice because the weather is not suitable for invasion, except during summer. So, the war went badly for Crisco and company. Crisco’s girlfriend Olive Oil went to buy more bubblewrap when suddenly, she farted. Crisco was angry at her. But also, strangely, he loved her flatulence as well. Crisco then journeyed to Middle Earth where he met Frodo and Samwise, along with Gandalf and Burgerman
Motley Crue has a sweet new anal bum cover. Turd Ferguson went to Alex Trebec and punched him in the gut for no good reason, other than the fact that he is a jerk.
Meanwhile, on Titan, lifeforms are evolving that breathe methane and have an odd number of legs, arms, and eyes. There are whales that walk on two legs, which are also fins used for swimming. Dr. Mengele walked off a cliff because he lacked brains; the fall killed him instantly. Prince Humperdink was a very shy hamster who had a crush on Angel of Mercy, who boob-smacked the Pope and flushed him down the Holy Toilet.
Meanwhile, in Bhutan, the Holy Roman Emperor drank a whole bottle of a Molotov Cocktail, with a dash of peacock blood, and then proceeded to lick the inside of a jelly doughnut from the Krispy Kreme store in Birmingham, England. He then took a boat over to Ireland where the leprechauns hid his pot, bong, and weed. Then, Murphy sent his boss a letter bomb and a picture of Irish President DeValera. I lost all my money in carphone stocks and Bush’s war taxes.
Anyways, the last five blue oxen jumped off a vibrating love doll, and they had big macs, fries, and a visit from the Pope and his seventeen altar boys, who were all from Arizona and were ordained by John Cougar Mellencamp in GWB’s backyard, where they had wild crazy monkey sex.
Meanwhile, Ellie couldn’t manage to avoid saying “I like porn.” She then vomited on her dad, who was the Bundesprasident of Germany, a word which confused people like quack quack quack, who assumed connection with the esteemed mayor of Seattle; the Aflac monkey, who beat Nethercutt. Oliver North decided to seek office for the Alaskan governorship as an un-elected incumbent candidate, a first in the history of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Tinpot Dictatorship. The Keg Queen then made sweet sweet chocolate bars, which melt not in water, tuna, and beluga whale oil, all of which smell like poop. The land squid slid towards the Red Sea of Communist Switzerland, the man from U.N.C.L.E. fell on his handgun and hurt his shin with a large sea turtle named George W. Turtle. GW Turtle ran for Prez of Turtledonia, the happiest kleptocracy in all of Outer Mongolia, the new superpower.
Belugas murdered Durham for some reason, and later asked for $3.50 to bribe the United Federation of GnuWalking to sign a bill allowing gnus to own guns and paper airplanes. Gus the Gnu then went fishing in the Aral Sea in Russia. Gus caught a super fish known as Sponge Bob Bushpants; he went and dried up into a tiny starfish named Patrick, the Patron Saint of Naïve Idiots and Fat Chicks.
Meanwhile on Pluto, some fleas were hopping around and sucking blood when Pluto farted and blew them all for ten bucks. Dead-Eye Duck was picking his nose and invading France while under the influence of anus fumes when all of his hair fell out in huge clumps. The only bus in Podunk was filled with cats which Pluto has licked and got killed by Bob Dole. Later, Bob Dole shot a Europan squid with a taser. He got eaten by Johnny Carson. Bin Laden got tasered by Kerrick, then shot by a wild monkey. The Exploding Boy named Pablo was exploding near the town hall in Ramallah.
Jerry Springer was running for Senate in the great state of Partisan Land, a place of much partisan bickering and sexily clad models. J. Edgar Hoover wore a dress to FBI Headquarters. “Hooray for Hoover,” cheered drunken George W. Bush from his compound in Crawford, Texas; the bushiest place this side of the Mississippi River. Stevie Wonder sang many songs in the nightclubs of New Orleans; a great place to pick up hot gumbo and oysters, and charbroiled gator guts jambolaya, with fried prawn eggs.
“LOOK! A talking gnu!” shouted Ellie at the old man’s back porch before she sat next to Kay. Fidel Castro’s beard is funny looking, yet luxuriantly gray, I find myself stroking it thoughtfully until it was drinking time again in Havana, Cuba, and the beard smelled like rum. T’was cut off sadly, but lived on in the moon around Baltimore Pike, the smelly mule from Baltimore. Bush fell down the stairs after eating pretzels and drinking alot of moonshine; amazingly, he fell on his head and belched out the pretzel. Cheney laughed his detachable belly off, then smacked the President’s sexy mistress; Miss April O’Neill of Ninja Turtle fame and Playboy’s Playmate of August, who then called Splinter and Mr. Pink Eyes, which were sent somewhere else.
Afghanistan is a nation known for its inhospitable landscape and rugs and drugs. Saturday, in Japan, a samurai went rollerskating in Kyoto, where he met Paris Hilton; the bimbo from Hollywood, stupid little slut, who doesn’t know anything worthwhile. Also the head of Hilton Hotels and Whores, Inc., Atlantis, and the Watergate. Titney Spears died of a boob explosion; nobody was spared from the flying silicone particles; in total a lot of stuff and people were happy.
In other lands, it was time for Link to arise from the land of Botswana in southern Hyrule, and began to water the magic beanstalk, which would take them to the magical kingdom of Kosovo. It was bombed by Serbia when Seb farted on Slobidan Milosevic’s brand new Piper Cub, while smoking camels and taking X-mas posters of “Don’t Touch Me!” Turtledove woke up and found out that his puny powers were no good against the evil forces of his girlfriend, who took Ellie’s castrobot. “I hid away my brain,” said Oh Diggity Shit, the rap artist.
‘Hip, hip hop’ was the name of the game on television that Sean Connery loves to hate, so the host of Dick Clark’s Dick Stick Special on Clicking your Fingers and Snapping your Pet Dog’s Neck.
Joe is one of Proma’s favourite tomato vendors to the land of Hannalee. Cor was killed by GWB’s guns, Crisco’s Gopher Army, and Morgoth’s demons, plus Morphy’s chessmen. “Hail the Chessmen!” said Spongebob Squarepants, on crack cocaine that he sniffed while visiting cor. Then the FCC had a coronary and hit cor for no reason, and then shot the last of three silver bullets into cor’s butt, where they exploded on impact and sent out gas.
The Patriots were a good team that won the millions of dollars that comes with being an athlete in the Super Bowl Championship. The Colts suck because they just do have a good looking tour bus. On America’s Most Wanted Blacks, Michael Jackson was number on the list with an asterisk next to his name that really sucked gas.
Once upon a time, there was a Jedi named Obi Wan Kenobe, who lived on the planet Tattooine. He liked to smoke good weed and hang with G W B, Luke Skywalker, and Mace Shaft Windu, and then the evil forces of cor’s empire attacked the Peaceful Arab of imaginary land called othertimelines, who called her back, and said to boob-smack Morphy for coming in here in the middle of the game of life, which is a stupid way to go if you want to go to the bathroom and take a dump in the dead goat body because you feel very very sick and you need medical help from Bush’s non-existent Medicaid.
The first day, God created Earth. Then he decided to shut up because he was really tired of not having genitals and decided to use clay to make Adam and Lilith the first humans on the poor planet Earth. Then God made a house of thermo-nuclear bombs, which blew up when he laughed at Saunder’s granny-killing ways and decided to eat pea soup from the can.
One day, cor fell out of a really high airplane that he stole from El Toro Air Force in Mexico City. Cor fell for a girl named Spellina Checkery; she taught him how to love spelling words like goat, coat, moat, float, and to kill his un-necessary anger for those people who are smarter than him. It is obvious that cor needs help, both mentally and physically, and not sexually, because that would be sick, and Chris likes certain things we don’t talk about, like Canadian conspiracies and studded leather for his cats, and leaches, and Angelina Jolie’s vile big fat butt, which he uses to practise his kung-fu fighting with Jerry Falwell.
Meanwhile, on Mars, I was dead tired from playing “Who Wants to Eat Some Cheese”, said the man while he asked for Fifty Cent just to kill some damned time. So he wondered the real name of George Walker Bush. The pen is in my ear sitting around the corner from the Michael Moore Museum, watching amazed how truly fat Mikey eats McDonald’s burgers with a shake of undisturbed pleasure. McDonald’s was having a hard time keeping up with Mike’s orders, so they shot him multiple times in the rear, but to stun, not kill. Mike comes back from the dead and says “I’m Jebus, bow down all ye scabby Liberal Pirates from New Canada are cool and smart, good looking, and gonna get capped in their teeth for their birthdays.”
Later, in the year they disco dance in Montreal where the 70’s never ended. Barry Gibb was born on the river where he started the Bee-Gees. I hate French fries, they taste as bad as cardboard cutouts of Da Vinci Code books. Look out for Lurch look-alike professors who killed cor, then ate his large, hairy, tanned forearm with Chianti and aged cheese. The King of Texas was riding a pony through a septic field when he was overcome by the evil aliens from the dark alley of Hellas Planetia, a place far away in a planet in the Sol system where the humans live horrible little lives.
On othertimelines, all the happy people with a PC come to talk about varied subjects, from history, to GWB’s sex life, to why there are no girls other than Ellie hang out in a rather pathetic yet addictive setting of awesome but limiting powers unless you are Saunders, and laugh with Wendell, GWB, Morgoth, Pubes, Dan, Morphy, Ellie, Kay, Fenix, Joe, Seb, Proma, Crisco, Turtledove, Strangelove, and all the King’s horses and donkeys with shoes, like Dubya or Andrew Jackson and Mork from Orc or the Mighty CROM God of Lord of the Universe that doesn’t exist give a damn. Crisco exists too. Who said no? Crisco was forgotten! Oh, my bad. “All hail Crisco!” said the Queen from the stripclub where Prince Harry lost his virginity to a Norwegian man whose name was nearly unspellable by dislexic Nigerian midgets named Steve and rampaging Llamas from Southern Peru. “It’s fixed, Crisco,” said Morgoth as did Morphy, the chess-master from Montreal, and Morgoth the Moderator from Saskatchewan, and GWB the Wisconsin gun lover danced with ex-juggies and shot at Ken Lay, the bastard of the Enron faux-pas.
Nukes suddenly explode over Paris, France, which caused an electromagnetic pulse to kill the robots which were shaving President Chirac’s big head. Luxembourg invaded without apparent reason, Germany was fantasizing with lebensraum and squished Liechtenstein because it could have WMD or bad leftovers.
The Central African dictator Mugabe was not trying to be nice to blind people who called him fatty fat boy Albert, and kicked him while he is taking a poop on homeless people. Jesse Jackson was feeling quite good after the hooker did some work in the bathroom. American history is boring like any silly Canadian would think but it is interesting to us smart Israeli-Americans who are very stoned and confused. The Great Year is not 2005, but 2008, when George Bush loses the monkey to a dead politician from Vermont and his organ monkey from Ohio, while Blair drinks tea and gets shot by Jay-Z and Linkin Park in Lincoln Park.
Bob Dole’s pen was dipping into very heavy gravy with fries and burgers, a coke in a paper marked ‘Security Level Zeta” was found in the possession. Wendell’s secret papers self-destructed when he gently stroked the gear shifter softly and seductively while touching a flashing red button. He pushed it, and he was ejected from his Aston Martin into a large red state full of vodka guzzling Soviets who swore to Darwin, that religion was the LSD of the talking llama of Azkaban prison, where some Evangelicals dropped their soap-on-a-rope because Atheists are cool people who like pasta sometimes and honey dipped ham, because it was not very religious, as certain people can not eat ham or bacon because they are ultra orthodox and eating such kinds of things are forbidden under that nazi-like regime under George Bush, who runs a psycho crazy dictatorship that’s so dumb that other nations fantasize with invading the almighty U.S.A. in overlord-style landing craft landing in the Virginian beaches and smashing through ill-prepared defences heading towards the Potomac, but then Dubya surrenders and is ripped apart, then the winners turn the Americans into nice, friendly people with medicare and good voting for all who go to Florida voting, school for lasting French language centers, that Bush would use bombs on Uzbekistan, because North Korea is being an economic girlie man.
“Bush sucks ass,” said GWB, the Bush hater extraordinaire and Kerry sympathiser as he smote down those that drink Starbucks coffee. Nuclear silos shook after Cheney farted after he ate George Bush whole, while Laura Bush read Oprah magazine about fat people frolicking with puppies and bowls of heavy crème. Later, the Pope shot an alter boy for stealing money and other tomfoolery. Later, Samurai Pizza opened in Saskatoon with an opening orgy that included several midgets and porn stars from Pakistan. The Pizza Pavilion was giving away free new pizza and AK-47 cool assault guns.
Michael Moore was trying to snipe Karl Rove and George Bush but Ann Coulter blocked with her new liberal-killer WMD, aka fake boobs, which Bill Clinton stared at for hours before he grabbed them and said “I feel great, now time for Bubba to eat some burgers.” Dean added YEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! and the Democrats cringed in disgust. The lights in the ladies bathroom went out just as Bill Clinton was banging the Bush twins. Bush was outraged that Barbie and Jenna were having relations with that weird Ken Jennings and Bill Clinton and a corpse from Massachusetts, who had 6 legs, and a Ukrainian Socialite named Katarina, whose deep voice recalled Henry Kissinger to the world, between the realm of Shadar and the Shire, to the land of big McDonald’s burgers, where people get fat then sue Starbucks for spilling coffee on themselves, because they are too stupid to know that Josiah ate a frog leg.
“THE END
…of the universe,”, says Ellie, as the story ends.
Is that it? Apparently. But meh. ‘Tis over then. Morgoth, please lock.
Meanwhile, in Turkmenistan, the story ended.
Is it lockable? Someone should get the whole thing together so we can see it in all its glory. Crisco tried that. What happened? He only got the first 10 pages or so. Got first 50. Maybe next week.
Locking down.