To Our Sweet Little Angel Boy; Anthony John Vairo,
Oh “little love bug”, you've touched so many lives in your short time here on earth.
You are loved by so many people and have stolen more hearts than you could know.
You weren't without struggles but you fought harder than mommy and daddy ever could.
We thank you “sweet love” for trying so, so hard for us. We are so very proud of you our
“little fighter boy”.
We'll never forget your beautiful little face. That adorable smile, dark blue eyes, those tiny little hands and feet. Your beautiful long eye lashes and that sweet head of tight brown curls are branded into our minds and hearts forever.
No more poking or prodding, no more tubes or wires, you will never hurt again. You are now perfect and at peace in Gods perfect place.
We will never forget you and will love you forever! Until we meet again.
All of our love,
Mommy, Daddy and Gerald
Hi sweet angel boy!
It’s me, your mommy, I can’t sleep because you are so heavily on my mind.
I think of you night and day, day and night. When I am laying in bed I
cannot sleep because I think of you and miss you so much that it makes
feel physically sick inside. You are the first thing on my mind in the
morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.
I think of all you endured in your short time here on earth and I
continue to be amazed by your strength. I’ve told you before and I will
tell you again, I am so proud of you for all that you did. You were a
real trooper, a fighter like no other. I just wish I could have done
something to save you and to take away your pain.
I wanted nothing more than to bring you home sweet love and I am so, so
sorry that didn’t happen. I never gave up on you, I never lost hope, and
when I knew you were suffering it ripped at my very soul!
Please don’t be sad when you see my crying, I just need to do it because
sometimes I truly feel like I’m dying! Never think that I’m mad at you
for leaving me because I am not. I know this was not your choice and
that if you could have stayed here with us you would have. God had
another plan for you, he needed a angel baby and he chose you.
Please tell him I’m sorry that I’m so angry and full of hate. But one
day, when I am there with you, he is going to have to answer to me. I
want to know why he took you, my first born son, why is Gerald left to be
the only one. It’s just so unfair. The only thing I can think of is
that he thought you were very, very special and he wanted you by his
side. But we all knew how special you were and I am so angry with him
that he didn’t let you stay with me! All I wanted was to take care of
you and Gerald for all of my remaining days.
Oh God I miss you! Know that I would give anything to have you back.
Goodnight my sweet little angel boy.
Love Eternal and Beyond,
Mommy
1-28-03
My dearest angel Anthony
Oh honey, I miss you so much. I am in tears right now over your being
gone. In two days it will be six months since you left us, that’s a half
a year and you will have been gone three times as long I you were here
and it is killing me.
I am so sad that you cannot play with your twin Gerald, you will never be
able to laugh with him here or play with him. He will never be able to
protect you from others. He will never have the sense of what being a
twin is all about and neither will you. It kills me.
I know you hate to see me so sad honey but I just truly cannot help it.
My whole heart is ripped apart. There is a hole in it, a part of me is
missing and can never be replaced. I know you are in a great place,
full of peace and happiness with no pain, nothing but golden paths and
rainbows. I can just see you sitting on a fluffy white cloud looking
down at me and saying “mommy please don’t cry, I’m so happy here, if you
only knew how wonderful it is here.”
I’d give anything to have you back with me but we didn’t want you to
suffer and you were and that killed me too. I would give anything to
have you back, anything at all, they could have taken my life in a
second. I would have jumped in front a semi to save you in a heartbeat!
There was nothing I could do to save you and I am so, so sorry baby. I am
just so sorry.
I want to remind you of how special you are. Everyone misses you so much.
Everyone, especially mommy and daddy, are so very proud of you and of how
hard you fought! I never could have fought that hard lovebug!
Daddy is downstairs having a meltdown too. He misses his “little guy” so
much. He continues to remind me of how sick you were and that no you are
not here on earth but you are with us every day, everywhere and in
everything we do. I know you are always with me honey and I am thankful
for that. God may have taken you away from me but no one can take my
memories away, they are mine to keep forever.
I love you and I miss you more than you could possibly ever know.
Love Eternal and Beyond,
Mommy
February 24, 2004
My dearest angel Anthony,
Hi baby boy, its me, Mommy. I'm having a really bad night and I am very sad
and very angry. I am mad at myself because its been so long since I wrote
to you I have such good intentions but I don't have the follow through anymore.
I am having a tough night because I got an e-mail and a photo from a friend
who had twins after I had you and Gerald and I was just very jealous of her
babies. I just sat at my computer and stared at that photo and started to
cry. I just wept at the fact that she has her babies and I don't. Its
jealousy and envy and sadness and everything else. Yet I would never wish
anything else for them but to have two babies at home. It just makes it
all flood back even worse when I get those e-mails and photos.
Anthony, I miss you daily, hourly and every moment of every day. I find
myself telling strangers that Gerald is a twin, your twin when people
notice him or make a comment on how cute he is or his curls. I find myself
saying yes his twin had a whole head of tight little curls. Then I have
to tell them you are in heaven and it breaks my heart once again.
Gerald and I built a snowman today outside and went sledding and the whole
while I wished that you were here with us. I know you are here with me in
spirit but I want you here with me, by my side, in my arms to hold onto
every day and night.
I long to smell your smell of natural gas from your isolette, I want to
have those huge blue eyes just look at me with that "I love you mommy"
look. I want those teeny tiny fingers to wrap around my pinky finger once
again and that tiny little body laying on mine in kangaroo care. I want you
and Gerald to be able to grow up together and take on challenges together
and to help each other out. I know you are his guardian angel and that you
are always by our sides. But I would give anything to have you here with
us. I would give my life for you angel, I would die to have you back again.
I am struggling Anthony. I am so sad and so unhappy right now. I feel like
I am living a false life pretending to be ok when I am not. I feel like a
vase that has been shattered and then someone glued me back together and I
look ok but in reality, its just a matter of time before I shatter into
even smaller pieces. Sometimes I am afraid that when I shatter again that
there will be no way to repair me.
I am tired of people telling me how strong I am. I am not strong. I am
holding up on the outside and I am doing the best I can with Gerald but I
am not strong. I am weak. I am barely keeping it together. Everyone seems
to think I am ok and for some reason I let them believe it instead of
telling them I am struggling to keep it together. I do the best I can with
Gerald and I think of you all the time and I try to be the best mommy I can
and be the kind of mommy you want me to be. Its not easy Anthony. But I
continue to try my best. I do it for you and for Gerald. I survive for you
and him and no one else.
I think people assume that because time has passed, (a year and a half)
that I am ok and "over it" I want to scream at the mountain tops.
"NEWSFLASH! This is not something that you EVER get over!" I will never get
over losing you. I will never get over the fact that I have twins and only
one is here with me. I will never forget the time I had with you and I will
always cherish the moments we spent together. I will continue to keep your
memory alive as long as I breathe on this earth I will make sure that you
are remembered.
You are a part of my soul Anthony, you are a permanent part of my heart.
You and Gerald are my everything. I live each day for you both. The day
God took you from me is the day a part of me died and will never be the
same. I am a changed person because of you and because of the loss of you.
I love you with all of what is left of my heart and soul.
Please stay by my side Anthony and protect me, Gerald and daddy. Know that
I love you with all that I have and that I am doing the best I can.
Until we meet again, I love you my sweet innocent angel boy!
Love,
Mommy
 
 
|
|