Jan. 3rd 2001 - Feb. 17th 2001
Early in the moring of Saturday, Feb. 17th our lives changed forever. In my mind it was still Friday night, Elijah had been battling a cold, and as every mother knows a baby with a cold means long late nights. She had been cranky and was waking up repeatedly with a stuffy nose, wanting to nurse. Sometime around 2am she started to fall back to sleep, I lay down on our bed and began to drift in and out of sleep myself, waking everytime she stirred. I awoke again a short time later, and as I looked down at Elijah I could see that something was terribly wrong. There was blood coming from her nose, fear raced through my heart as I sat up and screamed at my husband "the baby has a bloody nose" My husband jumped out of bed and turned on the light, as I tried to wake her up. She felt so very limp in my arms and I didnt think she was breathing, my husband took her from my arms and when he did her little head rolled back so limply. Panic was rising in both of us, Bruce was yelling her name, trying to get her to respond, he opened her eyes, but there was nothing, no response. Naked and frantic, we ran to the living room and Bruce called 911, while I lay Elijah on the carpet. "Oh God Please, Oh God Please" I cried over and over, as if some how he would step in and save us, save her. I took the phone while Bruce went to flag down the rescue squad, we could hear them out side but they could not seem to find us. Suddenly many people began to rush into the kitchen, they quickly moved her onto the kitchen table and cut away her clothing and diaper. I saw my mom coming through the kitchen door, fear in her eyes, she and my dad had heard the call of " Baby Not Breathing" followed my my name on their police scanner just moments before.
We watched them work on her but no one could tell us anything, Bruce was begining to loose it, kicking the walls and screaming Elijahs name, one of the men from the rescue squad came over and talked to him, tears shining brightly in his eyes as he spoke (we later found out that this man had lost a baby to SIDS just a few years before) Once we arrived at the hospital, it became a waiting game. My parents knew one of the women on the responding squad, and my mom knew all the nurses, because she works at that hospital, but no one could tell us a thing. Nothing seemed real at that moment, I felt as if I was stuck in the middle of a dream, and couldnt wake up.
Suddenly on of the ER nurses came out and called us into the ER room. The doctor was waiting there for us, standing with him was one of the hospital Clergy, I knew then that she was gone. He began talking, I heard the words " I'm Sorry..." and my legs crumbled, I could not stand, I knew he was telling us she was dead, but I could not hear his words, everything sounded as if I was underwater. He talked for what seemed like a long time, but I dont remember anything past "I'm Sorry..." I could hear the sound of my own sobs, and a strange buzzing sound in my ears. I felt like my world was coming to an end, my baby was dead, my daughter was dead !!
They asked if we would like to hold her one more time, and we ran to the room, she looked so tiny there on the adult sized strecher, and they had a tube taped to her mouth they would not let me remove. I kissed her and held her and cried, she loooked like she was asleep, "Wake up Elijah" I wanted to shout, but instead I whispered " I love you peanut" We all held her and tried to say goodbye, and then I learned the hardest thing I would ever have to do, was to drive away from that hospital, leaving Elijah behind, so small, so beautiful and so alone.
