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Dionna*s Story

On June22, 2002 I took a home pregnancy test and it came
back positive. My husband, Rick, and I were very excited because we had been trying for almost one year. (Infertility
runs in the family.) We decided to wait and tell our family and friends after our first doctor*s visit. After everyone found out
it was pure joy. I enjoyed being pregnant a lot.

The first ultrasound we had done was on August 5, 2002-due
to my irregular menstrual cycles we had one done early to determine the due date. The due date ended up being February 23, 2003. We got to see the baby for the first time that day.
The heart beating, the hands, the feet, and the baby moving. Our four year old son went with us and it was then that he realized there was going to be a baby-from that day on he insisted that it was his baby sister. (He had been saying ever since he was around two and a half that he was going to have
a baby sister.) We tried to convince him that it could be a boy, but there was no changing his mind.

Things were going okay through the pregnancy-the occasional migraine headache-no morning sickness-no abnormal
swelling-or anything.... Until December 23, 2002. I was sick
all day long and that night I hadn*t felt the baby move for a while. I called labor and deliveries testing and triage-the nurse that night told me to drink something sweet and lie down on
my side. The baby started to move again and I called the nurse back to tell her. She said things were okay since the baby was moving and that I needed to drink more fluid. I did and everything was okay through Christmas. On December 27,
2002 I felt the baby move at 5:00 in the morning and then felt nothing after. I thought to myself-this is too much-twice in
one week- and decided to go in to get checked. Thinking I*m being an over reactive parent and that things would turn out fine, I even began to think that I should just turn around and
go home on the way to the hospital. I decided to go in anyways since I was already half way there. That is when our world came crashing down and our lives would forever be changed.

The nurse looked at me from the window of testing and triage with a smile and took me back and put me in a room. She
told me to change into a gown and go pee in a cup. I did and then she came back in and tried to hook me up to the fetal monitor. She tried and tried for about twenty minutes to find
the heartbeat and couldn*t. The nurse tried to reassure me
that everything was probably okay and that the position of the baby sometimes causes it to be more difficult to find the heartbeat. The resident that was on call that day, Dr. Lucas, tried as well to find the heartbeat with the fetal monitor and couldn*t. She then ordered a portable ultrasound to take a closer look. She asked how I was doing and I told her I was fine. She said she couldn*t hold up as well if she were in my shoes. Deep down inside I knew what had happened, but I couldn*t believe it was true. Dr. Leeman, the attending ob doctor that day went in to do the ultrasound and told me what
I already knew in my heart-our baby was DEAD!!!! I had to take the next step and make a horrific call to my husband to
tell him the news. That was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. He left work and was at the hospital within
fifteen minutes-but that seemed like an eternity. In the mean time I was visited by my regular doctor, Dr. Lemon, who happened to be the attending on call that day for family medicine. She came in and gave me a huge hug and told me "I*m so sorry."

My husband and I were numb from everything being told to
us. At first they said they would induce me and I would go through labor. I asked if there was any other option to this. Unfortunately there wasn*t at that time. By now they had me
in a room with a bigger, better ultrasound machine and they said again that our baby was gone. They also said that I couldn*t have a normal delivery because of where the placenta was. The placenta was covering my cervix-this is also called placenta previa. They decided it would be best if I had a c-section. All at once we were described the risks involved and that is when my husband lost it and started to cry. He told me that he just lost his child-he can*t lose me too. I tried to reassure him and joked-"You can*t get rid of me that easy."I
on the other hand was still numb. I just kept on telling Rick
that I was sorry. The doctors gave us a choice of either having
it done right away or waiting until the following morning. We decided to wait, so we could make arrangements for Vincent-our son to have a place to stay.

Since I work at a pediatric clinic located in the same hospital, we went and told one of my charge nurses. She almost fell over with emotions because she knew how much we wanted this baby. She gave us both hugs and told us to let her know if we needed anything.

The next morning my mom drove Rick and I to the hospital.
We were told to be there at 7:30 in the morning. We got there; did the necessary paperwork and blood work and waited. We waited until almost 12:00 noon before I went into the
operating room. That was the longest time I have ever had to wait. Having to listen to all the other mom*s in labor knowing their baby*s were going to be born alive-was way too much. Then all of a sudden you hear laughter and enjoyment and the baby cry-that was really hard. Finally at 12:07PM our baby
was born. The room was too quiet and sad-no laughter-no
cries from the baby. Until that moment we did not know if we were going to have a girl or boy. I was still in a fog from the medicine they gave me to combat the nausea I was having. As they were stitching me up, Rick went to go see our baby. He
said that she was beautiful-it was then I realized we had a daughter and that our son was right all along. She was 4 pounds and 21 inches long. We named her Dionna Rose. I didn*t want to see her then-I was scared and couldn*t hold her due to the spinal they gave me. We were then taken back to the recovery area-which wasn*t all that private so I asked if we could see her when we went to our room. They said of course and took her up to the post partum floor.

My mom stayed with us until we got to our room-she wanted to see her granddaughter. Finally she said she had to go home to tend to her dog. Rick walked her out and when he came back, he asked me how I could wait so long to see our daughter. I
told him that I was really scared to see her and that I wanted it to be just us to see her for the first time. About a half an hour later my nurse for that day (her name was Mae) brought in a purple memory box and a pink teddy bear and gave them to us. She also took pictures of our beautiful baby girl and gave them to us to have developed later on. Between her and Rick, I
finally decided I had to see our daughter. Dionna was so
perfect. She had beautiful dark hair, perfect hands and feet,
the only problem was she had no heartbeat. My mom called later on and asked if we had seen the baby. I told her yes and she told me that she had a feeling we would wait until she
was gone. (I hope that after she reads this-she will understand more why we did.)

That night the nurses changed shifts and Mae went home. I wasn*t able to sleep much that night. Between everyone
coming in to check my blood pressure, etc., my nurse coming
in telling me I had to get up, but above all hearing all of the baby*s crying-it proved to be an almost impossible task. The nurse I had that night lacked the compassion that one would give to a parent who just lost a child. She kept on pushing me
to get up. I finally told her that it was very difficult to sleep when I hear all the other baby*s crying and I didn*t get to
hear my own. The nurse got really quiet and left the room. A few minutes later she came back in and apologized for
seeming not to care about what we had endured earlier that
day. Now looking back on everything I think everyone who chooses to work on a unit like that needs to take some sort of dealing with grief class-I believe that would have helped some.

The next day a lot of our family came to see us. We asked grandma and grandpa Candelaria if they wanted to see her
and at the time they didn*t. We understood their decision completely. Our four year old son also came to see us that day. This was the second hardest thing we had to do. We told him that something happened to the baby and that the baby was up in Heaven now. The first question out of his mouth was "Was
it a girl mama?" We both said yes at the same time. He smiled and said my sister*s up in Heaven-then he got really quiet and started to cry. My husband and I decided at the time not to let him see her. It was a difficult decision, but at the time we felt
it was the right one.

On Monday, before I was discharged from the hospital, some
of the people I worked with came by and gave us their condolences. They also shared with us that they had started a sign up sheet to bring us food for the next two weeks so we wouldn*t have that to think about on top of everything else. It seems that our loss opened up some of the people I worked
with and they shared about some of their tragic experiences of losing children of their own. One nurse in particular helped
out a lot-it was the same nurse we told the day we found out. She too lost a child right after he was born.

The next few days are a blur. I don*t remember much. On January 2, 2003 we (my husband, mom, and I) went to the cemetery where my father was buried almost 9 years before
and made arrangements for our daughter*s memorial services. The mortuary donated caskets to children born under the age
of two. But when we saw them-my mom blurted out that "My granddaughter*s not going to be buried in a cheap looking plastic flower box!!!!!" So she purchased a wooden cradle casket for her-she said it was a gift from her and my dad. The services we decided would be held on two different days-a memorial service the following Thursday and a grave side service on Friday.

At her services Thursday night, several family members and friends were there. We had decided on having the song "God Must of Spent" by *NSYNC played when people got there and again when they left. The services themselves were beautiful. Pastor Mac Bernard spoke and his wife played the keyboard;
the Nieto sisters sung a total of four songs-most were child oriented. They sung: "Jesus Loves Me," Jesus Loves the Little Children," "He*s Got the Whole World in His Hands," and "Peace in the Valley." Everyone mourned the loss of our daughter. I know those that were at the services left with
broken hearts because it hurt them so much to see us in so much pain. After everyone left the funeral director asked if we wanted to put the small stuffed animals we had in her casket or if we wanted to do it. (We were advised to not see her again after the autopsy and stuff were done-and we agreed.) We decided we wanted to put the things in her casket ourselves. We each put one in-our son touched her and began to sob. He thought that when we told him Dionna went to Heaven that ALL of her went. So we explained to him that what he felt was her old body and she*s up in Heaven with her new body. He kept on saying that all he wanted to do was to take the blanket off her face and see her. We started to have second thoughts about not letting him see her before. Later on that night, Vincent went to my mom*s house and they went outside and looked for the brightest star so he could talk to her and tell her how he was feeling.

On Friday we had a private grave side service for Dionna. My brother and his girlfriend drove in from Boulder, CO and were there. It was comforting to have the small amount of people
that were there. Susan, my charge nurse, was also there-
along with family and some friends who couldn*t go the night before. The services were short and sweet. After everything
was over I felt a sense of relief knowing that she was at rest now.

Some time past after Dionna*s services and we decided to go
get the pictures developed. I was scared to have them
developed because I thought that some how they would have gotten destroyed and we wouldn*t have any pictures of her-so on the outside of the one hour package I wrote "Please be careful these are the only pictures of our daughter we have. Thank you." The pictures ended up coming out beautiful. Mae did such a great job on taking her pictures. Later on that
night we showed Vincent and he said she was pretty and had pretty hands. To Rick and I the pictures don*t do her justice
but it is nice to have them.

Through all of this I have did a lot of searching and have
made several new friends through various web sites. Locally there is only one meeting I have found that deals with
bereaved parents of stillborns or infant death and it is held at
of all places The Office of Medical Investigators. We have yet
to go to one because of where it is at and because neither one
of us have been well enough to go anywhere like that.

I have yet to go back to work, but I know I will have to go
back soon. I just hope I will do okay because the clinic I work
at takes care of a variety of children. The children I am most fond of are the oncology kids. They are so strong and fight
hard. In fact because of one of them I now dream of tea
parties up in Heaven that our daughter is going to. I also
dream often of my father sitting in a rocking chair, rocking
her and everyone that has touched our lives that have went on
to Heaven are singing to her. Rick keeps on telling me that maybe it wasn*t a dream and she is showing me that she is
okay and being taken care of. I believe that he is right. Vincent and I have been going outside at night looking for the brightest star and we talk to her-he keeps on asking her if she will ever come back again-that is hard to hear because we all want her back so much. I tell him that she is looking out for him and is his guardian angel now along with ours. Most of our friends have been wonderful. There have been a few that don*t know quite what to say, but try anyways and end up saying
something hurtful. I know they don*t mean it. Out of
everyone that has been around us, Susan has been a huge blessing because she does know what it is like to have a child die. Also the oncology social worker, Gina, has been a huge help. She talks to parents every day whose child is dying. I
used to tell everyone that I couldn*t imagine the pain they are going through and now unfortunately I can. It hurts so much.

I hope Dionna*s story helps you and I hope the poems that are on the next pages help as well. If you are here because you
have lost a child or are a friend of someone who has-please feel free to e-mail me and or sign my guest book. If you are here by accident, I hope you never have to endure the pain and heartache of losing a child.

Dearest Angel Dionna,

We miss you so much. You are loved with all of our hearts and will be remembered always.

Love and Hugs from the earth below

Mommy, Daddy, and your Big Brother