by Rebecca Prewett
We were losing our baby. Despite all my best efforts, the long bed rest, the many prayers...my body, for reasons we'll probably never understand this side of heaven, was contracting in an effort to expel our baby after only fourteen weeks of pregnancy. I could hear the baby's heartbeat, strong and steady, despite the contractions. I tried to pretend none of this was happening.
We lost our baby. I couldn't remember anything in my life that had been more sad, anything that had hurt me so deeply, anything that had left me feeling so very empty, both physically and emotionally.
The process of miscarrying seemed endless, taking almost two weeks to complete after we lost the baby. At one point, my endurance failed and I wept, "Why must I suffer so?"
How can you make sense of something like this? We live in a fallen world full of sin, sickness, and death. Yet, God is sovereign--how I cling to that glorious doctrine! And yet, our baby died.
"My heart pounds, my strength fails me." Ps. 38:10
"Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." Ps. 61:1-2
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10
"If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!" Prov. 24:10
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Is. 40:29
"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deut. 33:27
"...being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might..." Col. 1:11
"...the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings..." Phil. 3:10
We grieved...are still grieving. "In this world you will have trouble..." John 16:33. We found comfort in God's Word, in His very nature. We do not know why we lost our baby; what we do know is that our God is so great that He is not thwarted by "accidents of nature". We believe that He has His sovereign purposes in the brief life of our precious child.
God ministered to us through living epistles also, through dear brothers and sisters and loved ones who prayed for us, wept with us, acknowledged the depth of our loss, took care of our other children, brought us flowers, sent us cards and letters, reminded us of God's love, and listened to us even when we didn't quite make sense.
Will we hold our baby in heaven? My heart cries, "Yes! How could our little babe not be in the arms of Jesus, waiting for us to join her some day?" My mind is not so sure, still trying to deal with the theological implications of infant death. I do know that, when I see Jesus someday, I will rejoice in His justice and mercy...and every one of my tears will be forever wiped away.
