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35 Ways To Annoy Wiccans
1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
14. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
15. Recite good poetry during ritual.
16. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
17. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
18. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
19. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
20. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
21. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
22. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
23. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
24. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
25. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
26. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
27. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
28. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
29. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
30. Men - wear amber and jet.
31. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
32. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
33. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
34. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
35. Put fire wood around the maypole.


Condom of Change Spell
Purpose: To bring about change in your life. Can be performed any time, but preferably during rush hour. Perform spell skyclad. (Necessary)
Items Needed: Yellow condom, water.
STEPS:
1. Undress and bathe. (It might be your last relaxing bath for a long time to come)
2. Fill yellow condom with water and knot the end.
3. Step outdoors during daylight, preferably during a traffic rush hour. Walk briskly to crossroads.
4. Chant while walking: "Yella yella, Brightest fella"
5. When you get to the intersection, stand in the center of traffic.
6. Using the yellow condom as your wand, cast a circle around you.
7. This is the most important part of the ritual: Center yourself with eyes closed. Lift water-filled condom above your head and begin to swing it around. While doing this, gyrate your hips in a circular motion to bring about the wheels of change.
8. While doing this, chant the magical word "YIP" over and over until you reach an ecstatic state.
**This spell is guaranteed to bring about change in your life. There is no need to worry about grounding the energy you have caused afterwards. There will be drugs to calm you down shortly.


Top 13 Reasons To Be Pagan
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back. . .
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!


Top 10 Signs You're Dealing With A Wanna-be Witch
10.  "I learned how to make a stoplight change!"
9.  "Can you teach me how to make a raincloud come around?"
8.  "Well, I saw this really cool Ricki Lake show on the Craft..."
7.  "I'm a natural witch!"
6.  "What do you mean, I'm not in ceremonial clothing?"
5.  "You mean that you don't have a familiar?"
4.  "I studied the Necronomicon.  It was pretty cool.  Sitting right there in Waldenbooks, I just had to summon Cthulu!"
3.  "I sometimes hear voices in my head...they tell me that the Goddess is watching me and my parents are freaks."
2.  "I'm an expert at Tarot/runes/reading auras/etc."
1.  "I'm a warlock."


Top 20 Signs of the Militant Pagan
1. You use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles
2. Your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16
3. Your robe is made of camouflage material
4. Your cakes & wine come from MRE's
5. Your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques
6. Your circle is marked by barbed-wire
7. You have to take an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead
8. You use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol
9. You use a hand grenade for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available)
10. You take down a tent to move the Covenstead
11. Your familiar is an attack-trained Doberman, Rottweiler or German Shepherd
12. You use a hubcap for a scrying dish
13. You use teargas to smudge when doing banishings
14. Your goddess symbol is Tank Girl
15. Your tradition's 1st degree training includes Ninjitsu or other forms of martial arts
16. Your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or anything that ends with 'ster'
17. You use machine gun fire to cast your circle
18. You use a compass for a divination tool
19. You use a bullet on a string for a pendulum
20. You call your High Priest "Commander", and your High Priestess "General"


McWicca
::crackle:: "Welcome to McWicca, may I help you?" ::crackle::
"Yeah, hi, my name is Raven Ravensong and I would like to be a Witch, please?"
::crackle:: "Would you like to try the Coven Combo?" ::crackle::
"Sure, and can I get a First Degree initiation on that?"
::crackle:: "Yes, and for two dollars more, you can Buckland-size it." ::crackle::
"Okay, let's do that."
::crackle:: "Thanks for ordering, please drive through." ::crackle::


A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to Pagan parents
By Ld Obyron Irondrake
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight-A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from drawing until then.
And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of "Ring Around the Rosey"! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.
With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.


The 13 Commandments
1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven - thou shall be killed.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.


Pagan Terms
By  Sylvana SilverWitch
Just a few definitions for you beginners:
1st Degree: A person who gets to do all the work.
2nd Degree: A person who gets to complain about the 1st degrees and the High Priestess.
3rd Degree: A person who never shows up at rituals.
Athame: A ritual knife; the bigger the knife, the less power the bearer has.
Book of Shadows: A messy, handwritten book that contains copies of everyone else's rituals.
Ceremonial Magician: Someone with bad hygiene habits, who reads Crowley, takes drugs and practices looking menacing.
Circle: Some assemblage of people standing or sitting in an uneven, or oval shape.
Coven: A bunch of people who fight like family and get together several times a month to party.
Crowley: A weird guy whom lots of people worship because he died a syphilitic drug addict. (Kinda like Curt Cobain and Elvis).
Full Moon: Any Saturday that occurs sometime close to the actual calendar full moon.
High Priest: Whoever the High Priestess is sleeping with this week.
High Priestess: A self-appointed leader; must be bossy, opinionated and have a large ego.
Initiation: Status that you receive after a big party held in your honor.
Magick: Any weird result after you do a spell or ritual for something; may or may not have anything to do with what you were working for.
Maiden: An ambitious 2nd degree (usually a woman) who aspires to be High Priestess, so she can do things right!
New Moon: A chance for the High Priestess to get really drunk and sleep with (and initiate) a new High Priest.
Pagan: A person who wears tie dye and practices the party religion.
Pagan Standard Time: If a ritual is scheduled for 6pm, people show up around 9, and the ritual finally gets started at 10:30.
Pagan Daylight Time: If a ritual is scheduled for noon, everyone usually shows up before dark.
Ritual: A reason to assemble with others, kvetch and eventually have some sort of ceremony.
Ritual Wear: A flashy dress or outfit that makes the wearer look like an actor in a bad fantasy movie.
Sabbat: Any Saturday close to the actual day, excuse for a big party.
Wiccan: Conservative person who wears normal clothes, lots of jewelry, recycles everything and used to be a witch.
Witch: Someone who wears lots of black and jewelry, reads Gardner and practices the party religion.
Beliefs and Practices
Pagan Humor
Current Music: "Black Planet"  by Sisters of Mercy
Have a joke to add?  Email it to me along with your name (or the name of the person who came up with it) for credit.
Please note the the following is not to be taken to a serious degree, this is only posted to be entertaining.
(¯`'ˇ.¸Sage¸.ˇ'´¯)
Pagan Humor  >Page2>
(coming soon)