A Bit of Humor

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. 

Red head: A blonde with attitude.
Blonde: A red head with the fire knocked out of her.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it!

If you think being small is an excuse for not being effective, then you haven't been in bed with a mosquito.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more, so it started filling up the rest of me.

Adolescence: The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Multi-tasking is the art of screwing up several things at once.

Never mess an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

It's good to cry... if you're a sissy, but it's much better to grab a heavy blunt instrument and hit the idiot over the head who ruined your day.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you probably have someone in mind that you can blame.

A smile is a curve that sets a lot of things straight.

Avoid shortcuts. They always take too much time in the long run.

Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll show you somebody who has never achieved much.

Definition of boy: Noise with dirt on it.

Postie Joke:
Boy: Have you got a postal code tattooed in your belly button?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Well, how do you expect to get any mail (male)  in your box?


I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. ~Catherine

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. Maryon Pearson

In politics, if want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen

If you're too open minded your brains will fall out.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Teamwork... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends if their fine its YOU!

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

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