Scanning through the player profiles at detroitredwings.com, one might notice that very few players are single. You might think, "Wow, I wonder where all those single guys live and what they do to occupy their time." Well wonder no longer, my friend. I've been sent to deliver the answers to those questions. And so, the "truth" unfolds...
1:00 am *doorbell rings*
"Who the hell would be here at this time of night?" Kirk Maltby muttered under his breath. "Scotty better not be giving us bet times now, too."
*doorbell rings, followed by persistant knocking...*
"Christ already! I'm coming!" Maltby trudged to the door in his pink fuzzy slippers. "And this better be good!"
Unlocking the door, he swung it open with a pissed off expression on his face. "Yes?" A smile quickly formed as he saw who it was. "Damn boy! Did you forget your key again?!"
Sean Avery grinned sheepishly, twirling his bowtie between his fingers. "Uh, yeah...I was running late and it just slipped my mind. I promise, man, this is the last time."
"Mmmmmmhmmmmmmmmm"
"Ah, come on Malts! You know I can't turn down those prom dates!"
Maltby swung the door open, "Whatever, just get in."
Avery strutted in, singing out, "Detroit's most eligible bachelor is here! Go Avery, Go Avery," in the middle of the kitchen, he busted out with some stylin' 80's dance moves.
Kirk watched for a moment, then with a "dear god" mumbled under his breath, he grabbed the remote off the table and headed back to watch the rest of Maury. (The pressing question is, who IS the father?)
The next morning
"No practice today! Cancelled, that is correct! C-A-N-C-E-L!! Cancelled baby!" Looking around the vacant room, Mathieu Dandenault stopped cheerleading and ran to the stairs to go tell the others.
Stopping at the first room on the left, Dandenault pulled up quickly by what he heard coming from within.
*music playing*
"I can be your hero baby!! Do do dooo....I can kiss away the pain! I will stand by you forever! You can ----" Mathieu swung the door open.
"Sergei!! Eh?"
"Oooooh! I just, I just practice my singing! You know, I sing and improve!"
"Oh, now it all makes sense! Why did I even question you!" Sergei wiped a trace of sweat away from his brow, laughing hesitantly.
"So guess what! Practice got cancelled!"
Sergei looked relieved. "I do not shoot puck? This is good. I need practice singing." Dandenault quietly left the room, shutting the door. "I cannot hit the note here...."
Passing Malts in the hall, Dandenault told him,"No practice, Malts."
"That's wonderful," checking his watch, asked, "Did my girlfriend call?"
"Well, no, but some girl names Magoo called for you. Said something about not being able to talk any sense into Boydie, so it's urgent you call her. She also added you are not to call 'the other floozy'."
"Hot damn!" Malts laughed as he ran down the hall. The door next to Sergei's opened and a dark-haired, sleepy eyed head popped out. "Did you say Magoo called? Is that Maltby whore on his way to call her?!? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! It was just a typo!! IT WAS JUST A TYPO!!!!" The door slammed and Mathieu hears Boydie running to the phone and screaming into the extension "NOO!!!!! It was just a typo, you bitch! Ooooh, no not you honey!! I was talking to Malts! I'll take you to tractorama to make up for it, though..."
"Well! I doubt he'd be going to the Joe this morning, anyway...Sean?? Is that you?" Dandy walked further down the hall, opened a door, and saw Avery laying on top of his water bed with a box of kleenex and a hand-drawn picture of Boyd Devereaux beside him. "Ooh! Oh, a fan sent me this...*sniffle* I'm just so happy *sniffle sniffle* that he's talking to Magoo again!"
Mathieu didn't even bother shutting the door, he just stomped away, wondering what the hell was wrong with some people. The cordless phone in his hand started ringing. "Bojour, eh, hello? What? Who is - hello??" He looked at the phone in bewilderment.
"Who was that?"
"Goddammit Fish! Tell your girlfriend to stop pranking us!" Dandenault tossed him the phone and went downstairs. "By the way!" He called up, "Practice is cancelled! Tell Willi!"
"Tell Willi??" Jiri stared at Maltby, who was coming down the hall looking dejected. "I thought I was supposed to tell her to stop pranking us."
"Are you down with the phone? I have to call the flooz - I mean my girlfriend. Magoo made up with Boydie. I tell ya, that Devereaux character sure has a way with the ladies." Malts looked in the direction of Boydie's room and shook his fist.
Sergei's door flew open suddenly and Enrique came pouring out with him. "No!! I need phone! I must call Amy, she worry. She thinks you all corrupt me."
"Um, hold on. I need to make a call." Fish punched in his calling card number, wishing he was a rich mo fo like the others. Finally, he said into the phone, "Willi? Practice is cancelled...no, Dandy told me to tell you....whhhaaaat.....oooh, are you sure? I bet you're right! ....Wait, he also told me that you keep pranking us. Was this Carol? Or you? ...Hello?" He looked at Malts. "She screamed, 'he's just eye candy!!' and hung up." Smile.
"Really. So what was the thing about practice?"
Another smile. "She thinks I was supposed to tell the other Willi, not her. I think that could be it."
"Maybe. By the way, Fish. Your Old Navy bill came today. I'm tellin' ya, kid, there are cheaper places to buy your jeans. You shouldn't have let that Aaron Ward fella influence you. You're gonna have to mow Stevie's lawn again to pay that thing off. When you're a rich mo fo defenseman like Nick and Cheli, then maybe you can shop there a little more often." He slapped Jiri's shoulder affectionately.
*Ding-Dong*
Malts looked pissed again. "Will someone super glue that key to the kids forehead! He'll never lose the damned thing then..." He continued muttering as he walked into his room and slammed the door.
"I'll get it!" Jason Williams practically flew out of his room and down the stairs. "OUCH!!!! DAMMIT DEVEREAUX! Put your fucking toys away, please! I'll sic Avery on you!"
A faint voice called down,"...they're Sergei's....really....."
Willi J swung open the door and said "Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc!"
Robitaille stepped into the kitchen and said, "Jesus Christ! You do that every time you see me! For almost a year now, for Christ sakes! Just call me Luc, you ass. Haahahahahaaaaaaa!!!" Williams and Robitaille stood in the entryway, throwing their heads back with laughter.
"Uh, Luc? Is there a reason you stopped by, or..." Avery, minus the tissues, pulled out a pint of chunky monkey ice cream.
"Hahahahaaaa! Actually, me and a few other guys were on our way into Detroit when Scotty called Stevie's cell."
"Reeeeeeeeeeeally! So we decided to drop by." Stevie pushed himself up onto the countertop. "You guys ever consider re-siding the house? You know, maybe something other than yellow?"
Dandenault walking by, shrugged, and said,"Not really, why?"
"Just a thought." Stevie stroked his goatee thoughtfully. "So, it's a really nice day out today, but boy, is it hot in here or is it just me?" He un-did the first few buttons on his shirt.
Face covered with chocolate, Avery mumbled, "So who else came by?" He began pouring extra syrup and other toppings onto his dish.
Luc responded, "Oh, just Johnny. He's getting something out of the car."
Avery's hand froze half-way to his mouth, and his head slowly came up, his eyes wide with fear. "Wharton? He...he's here? Oh dear sweet God!!!" He bolted out of his chair, lunging across the room with the bowl in his hand, looking frantically around the room for somewhere to hide the offending dish. "THE SINK!!!!!!" He threw the bowl in, lunged back towards the table, and while trying to gather the toppings into his arms, he just managed to knock them every which way. "Aaahhhh, noooo!!!!!" Avery fell to the floor on all fours and tried to pick everything up as quickly as possible.
"Hey fellas! What's goin' on?" Johnny stepped into the room with a smile, which slowly faded as he looked around at the faces. "What's wrong? Uuhhh....Sean? What are you doin, man? What's that? Wait a ......who was eating that ice cream!! AVERY!!!!! What are you trying to pull here, boy! You want to make me look bad, is that it?? I won't have a rookie spoil it all! No fat! You hear me, punk!There will be no fat!" Wharton grabbed a spatula from the counter and chased Avery down with it.
"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S THE WRATH OF WHARTON! Heeeeeelllllpp mmmeeeeee!!!!!!!!"
"So," Stevie spoke up,"how's your day goin, Willi?"
Williams looked nervously into the living room. "John Wharton is chasing Sean Avery around our house with a spatula. Doesn't that worry you?"
"Nah. I've been here a long time, and believe me it's not the first time. It happens to the best of us."
"Well, if you say soo...."
Trainers chasing disobiediant rookies around with household utensils....Russians singing along with male pop stars.....Czech eye candy....Boydies playing with tractor toys.....Kirk Maltby leaned his elbows on the hand railing, taking it all in with a sigh of contentment. Inhaling deeply, he looked around, wanting to stay there forever. Not a problem. Just don't call the floozy again, eh.