Part II
“And whistle while you work.” As the merry tune continued, Sergei Fedorov poked his head into the hall, wondering about the commotion.
“Malts? Where are you going??" Suddenly he looked panicked. “You’re not getting married are you, and thereby forfeiting any and all rights and obligations to live in this particular venue, the bachelor house, are you?”
Matby stopped singing and stared at Sergei, puzzled. “No, I’m just traveling for the summer. What’s got into you? I know you want to run a marathon, but I didn’t know law school was a goal, too.”
“Nah, I was just watching Law and Order.”
“Aahh. Understandable. Holy shit! Speaking of TV shows!” Kirk dropped the box to the floor with a loud thump and shoved up his sleeve to check his watch.
“1 o’clock! What in the blazes was I thinking?!?” He ran down the stairs while shouting out, “Dandy! Dandy! MAT!! Where the hell is Mathieu?!? Oh no, no time to worry about the now.” The rest of his frantic words were drowned out as he flipped on the TV.
“Ahh, just in time.” The theme music of “Days of our Lives” rang out, soothing Maltby’s frayed nerves.
In the kitchen, Sean Avery’s head whipped up sharply as a car came screeching around the corner and into the driveway. He watched through the window as Mathieu Dandenault leaped out, leaving the drivers side door open, and the motor still running.
As he made the mad dash to the front door, he tossed a quarter to Jiri Fischer, who was out front mowing the lawn.
“Treat my car good, son.” He was halfway up the walk when Jiri exclaimed. “What the hell do I look like to you, Mat? A fucking valet?”
With a look that said, “Don’t mess with me,” Dandy turned and glared. Seeing Fish, the look softened.
“Sorry man! I thought Sergei had hired that valet he’s always talking about, because of all the cars and all. You know. Here, have another quarter for your trouble, kid,” and with that, he was in the door.
“That’s all I ask.” Fish Fish said to himself, excitedly pocketing the $.50. “Fifty cents baby, I’m on my way to rich mo fo status!” he began to walk towards Dandenault’s brand new red convertible. “Now with that money, plus what I’m getting here for the lawn, maybe I won’t need to go over to Stevie’s this week…”
Out of the blue, Chris Chelios came running up the drive wearing a black tux and bow tie. With a nod to Fish, he hopped into Mathieu’s still-running vehicle and threw it into reverse, then began to roll down the driveway.
“Cheli! What are you doing? You can’t…. wait, where are you going? I mean, what kind of example are you setting for me?”
“Hey, kid, I’m not gonna be your babysitter for another 2 months. You can fend for yourself till then. Just pretend you didn’t see me doing this! Check ya later, Fish Fish.” With a point and a Brett Hull style wink, Cheli drove off, but not before yelling, “Stop by Chicago sometime! I’ll buy ya a bowl of chili!”
Mmmm, chili…Fish thought as he turned back to the lawn mower. Boy, will that ever taste good…and free, too. Wait a…. ohh, DAMN. What the hell was he supposed to tell Dandy? He trudged toward the door, wondering if he’d still get to keep the money.
* While all this was going on, back inside the house… *
Dandenault burst into the hallway, praying it hadn’t started. He tore through the house, to the living room in the back.
“Isitonisitonisiton??”
“Calm down, calm down,” Malts reassured him. “It’s commercial. But we’re supposed to find out if Chloe has cancer. Sami has decided that she wants Brandon back, and it doesn't sound like anything is going to stop her! Guess what else? Tony is going to come back from the dead! And..."
The two chattered on while Sean Avery emerged from the kitchen wearing two oversized oven mitts and a light blue t-shirt that read, “I love Squishee Bears.”
“Could you guys please clean up a little around here? There’s company coming! Dammit, that show must be on again. For the love of….” He wandered towards the small, rarely used dining room. “Willi J? Where are you?” He sighed with disgust, about to give up. “Boydie? Hello? Where is everyone?? BAH! You’re all a bunch of qams!!”
Sergei’s voice came floating down the stairs, “….QAM!!!!”
“Oh, that’s it! I know where you are now, Fedorov! And I’ve seen where you sleep! Aaa-hhaaahahahaaaaaaa!!!!” Shrieking with evil laughter, Avery was about to run about the stairs in hot pursuit when the door leading to the basement opened and Boydie and Willi J entered the room. At the same time, Sergei appeared at the top of the stairs looking worried and slightly frightened.
“Did you call?” Willi asked.
“You have?” Sergei asked. “Why would you see where I sleep? That’s kind of creepy, Sean. You sneaky little bastard…. have you been stealing my socks again? I told you!! Just go to Meijer and you can get PLENTY!” He turned on his heel and returned to his room, slamming the door. “…Damn you Avery….stupid qam!”
Avery turned his attention back to the matter at hand. “Yeah I called, I need help cleaning up the house! Wait a second. What are you wearing?”
They both giggled. Boydie finally answered, “We, uh, bought a new train set. I get to wear the conductor’s hat – toot toot! – and Willi is my assistant. It’s so much fun, Sean! You can come and play too! Not that it matters to me or anything…but, uh, do you really steal Sergei’s socks?”
Avery waved off the question, “Now’s not the time for that. I can’t come play today guys. There’s company coming tonight! I’m baking a cake, so I really can’t. Tomorrow, okay?”
“Well, okay, if you’re sure.” Willi J said, and the two returned to the basement. As they went down the steps, Avery heard them chanting, “Chug-a-chug-a chug-a-chug-a TOOT TOOOOOOT!”
Grumbling to himself, Avery returned to the kitchen to take the cake out of the oven. When he reached the window, he glanced outside and noticed Dandy’s car was gone. Must be Fish parked it for him, he thought to himself. He asked Jiri as much when he came into the house a moment later.
Fish visibly paled. “Umm, yeah I guess.” Without saying more, he sped away and ran up the stairs to hide in his room.
Avery followed him up, but only to go to his room and get something he had forgotten earlier. He turned the corner and stopped in horror. “Ahhhh!!!!! NO NO NO! MALTBY!!! MAAAAAAAAAALTBY! Get your ass up here and clean this mess up!!” Boxes full of clothing and other odds and ends littered the hallway.
Suddenly Avery’s cell phone rang. Hopefully the guests aren't calling to cancel, he thought as he answered with a curt, “Yeah?”
“What’s all the yelling about? I’m watching my show!” It was Kirk Maltby calling, sounding impatient.
“You need to pick your shit up! Do you want everyone who’s coming over tonight to see this mess?”
“Huh? We’re having a party? Who’s coming?”
“Well, not a full-blown party or anything. I told you about this last week, you ass! I also told you who was coming.”
“Oh. I see. Well, okay, I guess I do kind of remember now. I’ll pick it up later okay. Oh lord! I gotta go!” He cut the connection because the show had just come back on.
Forgetting why he had come upstairs in the first place, Avery turned back toward the steps. Just then, Sergei’s door opened and he stepped into the hall wearing a pair of black sunglasses, a white polo shirt, khaki shorts, and brown leather sandals. He held his car keys in one hand.
“Going somewhere, Sergei?” Then he asked another panicked question, “Will you be back by 8?”
Slowly talking off his sunglasses, Sergei appraised Avery with an up and down look. His gaze settled on Sean’s feet for a split second, before returning to his eyes. “Actually, yes I am going out. I need to do some quick shopping. Don’t worry, I’ll be back well before 8. You see, Sean, it only takes about 5 minutes to buy plain white socks. Including the 15 minute round trip drive, I will be back in 20-25 minutes. That is how long it takes to buy socks. I will be counting each and every pair of socks every single day. If even one sock is misplaced, I will hire Darren McCarty and Joe Kocur to come over here and beat the bejesus out of you.” Each word was spoken with the utmost calm. “Do you understand what I am saying to you, Sean?”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Fedorov, sir.” He looked disappointed. Those were some damn good socks. Well, he still had the other 15 pairs he’d taken from him.
An hour later, Sergei had returned, Avery had iced the cake, Days of our Lives was over, Boydie and Willi J were now watching TV, and Fish had finally come downstairs to sit nervously at the kitchen table.
* Ding-dong *
Avery checked his watch. “Right on time!” He then hurried to answer the door.
“Come on in guys!! It’s great to see you again!” Everyone trooped into the foyer, discarding their shoes on their way into the kitchen.
A happy voice exclaimed, “Fish Fish!!”
“Willi! Oh, I’m so happy to see you!”
Carol, Becky, Amy, Coo, and Krista discreetly looked the other way, secretly relieved that Carol had driven and Jenni’s Grand Am was sitting safely at her house, a good 40 minutes away.
The others emerged from the living room, having heard the ruckus and wondering whom else was there.
An accented voice called out, “Amy!!”
Boydie said happily, “Krista! You’re here!”
Malts and Willi J both looked disappointed as Boydie rushed up to Magoo, but they couldn’t do anything about it at the time being. They had to hide their feelings from Boydie, and Williams also had to worry about the wrath of the other Willi. She’d never forgive her “brother” if he married Magoo. He decided to put on a happy face, and greeted all the guests.
Noticing the other guest for the first time, Williams spoke to Carol, “Who’s that you’ve got there, Carol?”
She set the furry creature down onto the floor. “That’s my cat, Pepsi. He looked so lonely at home, I had to bring him along. That’s okay, right?”
“Well, sure, I guess.”
* Ding-dong *
“Oh, good! I was hoping they’d get here soon.” Avery scampered off to once again open the door. As soon as he did, several of his teammates and others came tumbling in.
Dandenault nodded to the guys, “Hey, what’s goin’ on guys?”
Steve Yzerman, Pavel Datsyuk, Brendan Shanahan, Darren McCarty, Joe Kocur, Chris Osgood, and Kris Draper all smiled and shrugged.
Snickering, Mac asked, “What’s up with the shirt there, Squishee Bear?”
“Hey now! It’s very stylish thank you very much!” Sounding smug, he added, “And besides, I’ve been informed that I just so happen to be very squishee.”
Sergei caught Avery’s eye and delivered a very menacing look, and knowingly nodded towards McCarty and Kocur. Sean nodded and turned away. Under his breath, he muttered, “Sergei sure is protective of those socks.”
“Meow!” The cat rubbed up against Pavel Datsyuk’s ankles and he leaned down with a happy gasp to pick up the cat, and smiling, began to stroke its fur.
“Cat!” He smiled again.
Carol told him, “Pepsi.”
Datsyuk looked very confused, glanced at the cat, and back at Carol. He thought he was just misinterpreting the language again. “Not thirsty.”
“Ooh, no, that’s the cat’s name.”
He nodded and said, “Good,” and seemed content to just stand there, stroking the cat and smiling.
“Who wants popcorn?” Avery came out of the kitchen, holding two large bowls of low-fat buttered popcorn.
Drapes nudged Stevie with his elbow and asked in a low voice, “Since when did the Avery kid turn into Suzie the happy homemaker?” The two giggled before taking a bite of the popcorn being offered.
“Okay, the party is moving into the living room folks!” Dandenault was getting sick of standing on his feet. “Let’s go!”
As everyone settled on the various chairs and the coach in the living room, Avery handed one bowl of popcorn to Becky, and one to Kocur. This being down, he sidled up next to Chris Osgood and started asking him about New York.
“So Ozzie, tell me all about Long Island.”
“Well okay…Squishee Bear, is it? It’s a nice place to live--” Before he had a chance to even begin Avery cut him off with a frantic question, practically drooling on the seat cushion.
“So there’s a lot of hot girls then huh! I bet there is, man I can just picture it! I’m as single as they come, you know.”
Ozzie eyed him for a moment, and then said, “Well I don’t usually pay attention…but I must say, there was one time…but actually, it wasn’t even in New York. We were playing the Jackets in Columbus, and dude, you wouldn’t believe it. Outside our hotel before the game, oh my god. The two most beautiful women I have ever seen. The best thing was they were there just for me! They drove from Michigan to come and try to meet me. I had to play it cool, and not show how excited I was, but holy freaking cow, it was great.”
“Are you serious? Man, I want to meet them! Maybe they’ll drive from Michigan to come see me!”
Ozzie laughed. “I’ve got a secret for ya Squishee Bear. You don’t have to look too far to see them.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’re sitting right over there. Magoo and Willi, you jackass! Don’t you read Magoo’s website? She sends enough emails to people to check it out! Go there; go to road trips, and the one entitled ‘Columbus’ would probably be what you’re looking for. Besides the fact that we’re going to be fellow American Olympians at the 2006 Winter Olympics! Hel-LO!” Shaking his head Ozzie went to sit with his fellow Olympians as he tsk tsk-ed #42.
Carol laughed and sort of hissed the word. “Jackaasss.”
In the blink of the eye, Squishee Bear was trying to scootch closer to both Magoo and Willi. That is, before Boydie and Fish saw what he was thinking. “Don’t touch,” Boydie warned.
“Don’t touch?”
“That’s right, any touch is bad touch. You know what bad touch means, don’t you?”
“Aww, man! Why is everyone trying to get Mac and Joey to beat the living snot out of me today? You guys are no fun!” He sat back against the cushions and pouted.
“Sssshhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” Barely holding in his excitement, Willi J shouted, “It’s about to start!!!!”
Seconds before the show started, Avery glanced over towards the girls. Hey, wait a minute! Magoo, Willi, and Farr A may be taken...but that doesn’t mean Coo and Becky are! AAAaaaa-haahahaaaaaaa!!! They can’t stop me this time! Stepping over McCarty and Kocur, he saw an empty spot on the coach between the two girls he was scouting out, sat down and put an arm around each shoulder. “Hey ladies.” They both looked at each other and shrugged before focusing on the television.
On the TV, the host was saying enthusiastically, “Welcome to the 65th Annual NHL Awards Show!” There was some talk about the regular season going-ons, and the 2002 Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings at which point everyone in the room cheered and Shanny yelled, “Hey, that’s us!”
Soon after, Scotty Bowman, Nick Lidstrom; carrying the Cup, and Chelios walked onto the stage. As soon as Chelios stepped onto the stage dressed in a black tux and bow tie, Fish shrank against in Lazy Boy he was sitting in.
After the commercial came on, Dandenault turned to the others and looking troubled said, “I don’t want to sound crazy here or anything, but I KNOW I passed Cheli in my car this afternoon. He was out jogging, and I remember thinking how it was odd he was wearing a tux to go jogging.”
Kocur laughed. “What did he do, steal someone’s car without them noticing that Chris Chelios was stealing their car, and drive to Toronto without the car being reported stolen? Not very likely that happened!”
Fish choked on the popcorn he’d been eating and coughed violently a few times. When he could breath somewhat normally, he jumped to his feet and screamed, “Yes that’s exactly what happened! He stole your car Dandy and I let him and I didn’t tell you and he winked and drove away!!” He flew up the stairs before Dandenault could sic Mac and Joey on him. Before locking himself into his room, he yelled down the steps. “If it makes you feel any better, he’s going to buy me chili!” That said, the door was locked and his TV tuned to ESPN2.
“I guess you can’t blame him. Chris bribed him with the chili! I mean, that stuff is damn good!” Dandy didn’t really seem fazed. If he went to Chicago and bought some chili, he was sure Cheli would return the car.
While the commercials were still on, Stevie hobbled into the kitchen to get a drink. When he returned, Shanny said, “Mm, that looks good! Here, let me borrow Arthur so I can go get one too.”
Stevie reached down, and unscrewed the prosthetic leg on his right leg, and handed it to Shanahan. As he was fastening it on, Shanny looked at the girls and grinned. “Remember that ‘undisclosed’ injury I had in the playoffs? You’re looking at it!”
Each of the girls looked at each other in astonishment. “I told you so!” Carol shrieked. “We knew it, we knew it!” Farr A informed Shanny, “We knew all along you and Stevie shared a prosthetic leg!”
Becky looked pleased with this development, but also a little frightened. “Why do you call it Arthur?”
Stevie shrugged. “Hey, it was either that or Spanky. We weren’t sure how well that one would go over.”
The show started up again with Francis, the bastard, winning the Lady Byng. Jose Theodore won the Vezina, and Mike Peca won the Selke. At one point during the show, Steve Yzerman’s name was mentioned as they spoke off his incredible playoff run.
“They’re talking about me!!! Did you hear that? They’re talking about me!!”
All his buddies congratulated him whole-heartedly.
Shanny slapped him on the back. "Way to go Stevie! Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, gimpy."
"What did you call me?"
"Stevie. I called you Stevie."
"That's what I thought, Irish-jig boy."
"Hmm." Shanny shrugged and ate his popcorn.
After the commercial, Wayne Gretzky walked out onto the stage to present an award. No one listened to what he had to say, however. As soon as Shanahan,a fellow Canadian, saw him, he screamed out, "EVERYONE HATES YOU WAYNE!!!! They hate you and they hate Canada!"
Seeing the odd looks he got from a few of his teammates, he explained. "I'm an American, too, ya know."
Since Stevie couldn't jump up very easily, he waved his arms and exclaimed, "ME TOO!"
Sergei tapped him on the shoulder. "Oops, Sergei is too. Anyone else? Oh yeah, Ozzie is! The girls too, of course. I'm not a qam, of course I know you're all American!"
Before Wayne left the stage, the entire group screamed out,"Everyone hates you, Wayne!"
They all erupted in cheers when Scotty walked onto the stage again. When they found out he was presenting the Norris Trophy, the entire room cracked up.
"This is so great," Dandy said, "Just try to give it to blake now. I can just picture it. Scotty would pin him down and Cheli would run onto the stage and beat the crap out of him. Nick would get a few well-placed kicks in too, just so that no one saw."
"So that's how it goes." Becky spoke up. "Nick just messes with the opponents minds by beating them when no one is looking. When they complain to the ref, they laugh because Nick Lidstrom would never do that."
Mac nodded. "Ex-AAActly."
"And the winner of the Norris Trophy is...Nick Lidstrom."
Cheering erupted once more.
Nick stepped to the mike, thanking Scotty, the Illitches, and Chelios.
"Look at that! Cheli looks like he's gonna blush!" Ozzie blurted out. "He's got that certain look to him...you know, the one that Stevie always has?"
Amy leaped to her feet and cried, "You mean the 'aww, gee shucks' look?"
"Yes! That's it! Exactly!"
Amy sat down, looking pleased with herself. "Thanks Ozzie." She looked to her left and shoved Coo aside. "Excuse me, Coo, but I have a personal space bubble. You are popping my bubble. I would like to keep it in tact, thank you."
Coo scooted over a good foot and a half. "The henious bitch returns."
Amy glared. "I heard that. I've seen where you sleep, don't forget that Coo."
Sergei eyed her. "My God, what is it with people seeing where other people sleep? Don't you realize how creepy that is?"
The show had ended without them noticing. Sean Avery quietly snuck out of the room. A few moments later, Maltby witnessed him slinking up the stairs, pink panther style.
"Whatcha got there, Seanie boy?"
Avery stopped dead in his tracks. "Nada, night night!"
He tried to make an escape, but Malts had seen that flash of blue. "You stole my suitcase!! You blimely little bastard!"
When Maltby reached the top of the stairs, he was shocked to see Avery standing and waiting for him.
"I am not a blimely bastard. This is my suitcase, as you can clearly see. Now I expect an apology right this instant."
"Boy, do you see the initials KM inscribed here with the number 18? Do you see my picture on this side of the suitcase? That is what I thought! Now, give that to me. Actually I have a better idea." He knocked on Fish's door.
"Hey, Fish? Wanna make an extra buck or two?" He opened the door and saw Jiri sitting at his labtop typing away.
"To hell with packing your bags, Maltby. I will no longer will mowing anymore lawns, either. You see, I have discovered a much more effiecient way to make the big bucks."
"And how's that?"
Fish rolled his eyes. "Well, I think it's obvious. I just get you guys to autograph stuff for me, and I sell it on ebay! hahaha! Like that picture of Shanny in the hotel, I sold it. Made $200 on it." He seemed so matter-of-fact.
Matlby left the room, disgusted. Dammit all anyway, he thought. That was a good arrangement, too. Oh well. A little overgrown grass wouldn't hurt anyone. Maybe Carol's cat would eat it. Cats could learn to graze, right?