"My grandparents did it to my parents, and my parents did it to me, and I turned out OK." How many times have we heard this response? Spanking is one of the most widely used forms of "discipline". Let's define discipline. Discipline simply means "to teach". It does not mean to hit, slap, or spank. It does not mean "punish". Spanking is done to take control, or to teach a lesson. Is it really effective at teaching? Studies show that not only is it not effective, but it actually causes emotional problems in adulthood. When you spank your child, what you are telling him is that when someone gets angry it's OK to hit. Another message you are sending is that you don't respect him enough to find more gentle and loving ways to discipline. It's all about respect...respecting your child's body and respecting his feelings. Spanking hurts physically and emotionally. This pain caused to your child in turn stirs up anger within him, which is then displaced somewhere else. It is easy to see what is going on in a childs life by watching his behavior. A child may hit a kitten in the face, or punch a schoolmate, or bite another childs arm. This behavior is usually indicative of physical abuse in the home. Sometimes the abuse could involve the parents, one hitting the other.
Let's talk about what you as parents can do instead to discipline your children.
Time outs work very well. If you have not had success with these it is because of the way you implemented them. First of all, before you can give a child time-outs, you will need to explain and teach your child the behavior you expect.Always explain "why". When you are sure that your child understands what is expected of him, then you may implement the time out. Say, for example, your child has a hitting problem with his peers. You tell your son that the next time he hits, he will go right to his room for a time-out. He now knows what to expect so if it happens he will not be confused. Make sure that you are consistent. Every single time you witness the negative behavior, you must immediately send him to his room. Send a child to time-out for the number of minutes his age is. If he is 2 years old, send him to his room for 2 minutes. When he is finished with the time-out, go to his room, put your arm around him and ask him if he remembers why it is not OK to hit people. If he cannot remember, then gently remind him. Let him continue to play again.
Toddlers need redirection.
Ignore the negative behavior and reinforce the positive behavior. Sometimes this won't work , like when you are dealing with temper tantrums. Time-outs or big long hugs will work. Remember that you cannot reason with a child who is in the midst of a tantrum. Wait until she is calmed down to talk about the frustration. Tantrums come from frustration and anger so intense that the child becomes out of control. You need to help her regain control. If you sense that a youngster is getting frustrated, tell him to work on something else for a while and go back to the activity later. With older kids, make sure your punishment fits the crime. If your son's curfew is 8:00pm and he comes in at 8:30, then tell him the next night he comes in late he will be unable to go outside at all the next night. You must stick to your guns for this to work.
Another toxin is "put-downs".
From birth onward, everything that your child sees and hears gets recorded in his brain permanently. Think of his brain as a tape recorder. He will forever replay all that is taped over and over throughout his life. You will want to record statements like, "You are terrific!", "I love you", You are so smart, I think it's great how well you can play the piano!", "We are so glad you are a girl!", "You have a great sense of humor!", "Daddy and I love your personality, you are so assertive...what a leader you are!", "You have a beautiful smile!", "You read so well!", "You are a very important person". When times get rough like in the teen years, your kids will have a soft mental pillow to fall back on. They will have the self-confidence to solve their problems. On the other hand, if they have been constantly bombarded all their life with comments like, "I hate you", "Why are you so stubborn?", "Why are you so stupid?", "You are too slow, speed it up!", "You will flunk out if you keep it up", "I don't care", "If you had a bigger rear-end you wouldn't be able to get through the door!", "Stop whining, stop crying", "You are a pain in the ass", "You are a thorn in my side", "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!", "buckey beaver!", "You'll never amount to anything!". These are the kind of statements that suicidal kids have running through their brains. They are statements that make them feel worthless.
The third toxin is ignoring, or invalidation. From birth, it is very important to listen to your child when he has something to say. Showing that you understand his words and feelings are crucial. Many times when a family is at the table having their dinner, the parents will be involved in their own conversation, exclusive of the child. It is important for the childs feelings of self-worth, to involve him in the conversation. Ask for his opinion. Ask him what has been happening in his life lately. Another manifestation of ignoring is invalidation. "Don't be silly", "You don't have a stomache ache!", "Mom I'm scared." "Oh, stop whining." Feelings need to be validated for a person to feel worthy. Examples of appropriate responses would be, "Mom, I don't want to go to school today." "What's different about today, Sally?" "I don't know." "That's right, you have the achievement tests today, don't you?" "Yeah." "Are you a little afraid?" "Yeah." "It's normal to feel afraid. Most kids are feeling the same thing you are, Sally." "We need to let ourselves experience those unpleasant feelings, while at the same time accomplish what we need to accomplish." Train yourself to focus in on your childs feelings whenever she is upset...don't focus on the words. If she is cussing, say "Mary, you seem to feel angry about something." Focus on the feelings behind the words. Sometimes he won't know what he is feeling. It is your job to help him figure it out. There are many good books out on the subject of feelings.
When you communicate with your children, remember that children are good! Especially yours! It is their behavior that might not be so good. Early on, kids learn that they are either a good person or a bad person. If a parent says, "you are being bad", then the child will internalize this as meaning everything about him is bad. If a parent says, "yelling is bad because it hurts peoples feelings." The child will know that he is a good person, he just learned that yelling is bad.
