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Guilt is the feeling that a person gets when he or she thinks he or she has done something wrong. Sometimes, the person really has done something wrong. For survivors, however, the feelings of guilt often have no basis in reality. The survivor feels guilty for something that was beyond his or her control - something he or she was powerless to change at the time of the abuse. There are many reasons why survivors of child abuse, domestic violence or sexual assault feel guilty. Often, the survivor is told by the abuser or others that the abuse is his or her fault. For example, battering spouses often tell their spouses "if you'd do what I told you, I wouldn't have to punish you" or "if you didn't talk to other men (or women), I wouldn't get so crazy." Sexual offenders may tell their victims "you are so pretty that I cannot resist you" or "you really want this, don't you?" Abusive parents often confuse appropriate discipline with abuse and tell their children that the reason they are punching, burning, or otherwise abusing him or her is because the child misbehaved. Another reason that survivors often feel guilty is that the disclosure of abuse can often lead to removal of a child from the home, arguments, court action, incarceration, divorce, financial difficulty, or other undesirable circumstances. Still another reason that survivors may feel guilty is if someone they talk to about the abuse judges them and/or points out mistakes they made. While this type of reaction to the survivor is usually well-meaning, survivors often see things in an all or nothing way: if they share any part of the responsibility for what happened to them, they must be 100% responsible for it. It is not unusual for any crime victim to engage in a search for why the crime took place. To a certain extent, this can be healthy because it can lead to conclusions about things that can be done to prevent the crime from happening again in the future. For example, if your house was burglarized, you may conclude that the the criminal found your house easier to target than your neighbor's house because you did not have a burglar alarm. Or, if your car was stolen while you were in the convenience store, you might conclude that your car was easier to steal than other cars in the parking lot because you left your keys in the ignition. You might decide to install an alarm system in your house and remember to take your keys with you in the future. With survivors of child abuse, domestic violence or sexual assault, however, this search for ways to prevent the past from repeating itself often gets twisted into guilt and self-blame. The distinction between taking corrective action so something does not happen again and taking responsibility for what happened in the past can be hard to make under the best of circumstances. With crimes like child abuse, domestic violence and many sexual assaults, however, the distinction is even harder to make. Ongoing relationships with the abuser and other family members mean that the survivor is exposed to people who are trying to remain neutral or are taking sides with the abuser and blaming the victim at a time when the victim most needs the support and loyalty of family and friends. The relative who would have no problem comforting a survivor and saying it was not the survivor's fault when the perpetrator is a stranger may find it very difficult to voice these same sentiments when the perpetrator in question is their mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.
