POEMS 7
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This is the very first poem I wrote which talks about ALLOFUS. It was written in January/1993. If you could see inside my head You'd know I'm not alone That many of us reside together In this place we call our home. For we are She and She is I And I am me or am I She? Around and around we all go Where was our beginning? She became at age of four When I had run to hide The others came over the years When one of could no longer abide. When She couldn't handle life I would step in her place So many I's for so many things All of us locked away. Some are good and some are bad Some are asleep for now When we are needed we arise Until the crisis has passed. MY FRIEND The struggle right now is not to give in To the desire to bring things to an end To not see death beckoning to me Like a welcome, long-lost friend. As I try to get through the day An increasingly futile effort I admit I think of how much easier it would be To willingly just give up and quit. While my mind thinks of ways to mutilate myself A voice urges me on through the panic It tells me of how terrible I am That my soul is purely satanic. No matter how hard I try not to listen I hear what that voice has to say And deep down I agree, I know it is true That I have a huge debt to pay. You tell me my staying alive is your goal Where do my feelings fit in? How can I stay when I don't belong When I must atone for my sin. The question is not really a question at all Cause I know what the answer must be Better to use the shotgun right now And get rid of the evil that's me. If only it were as easy as that Be dead and peace would be mine But I heard the words you said And our lives they do now entwine. I don't like to think of that concept Tis freedom that I lose Because being responsible to you Takes away my right to chose. Given that you know me hardly at all Will your tune remain the same? I guess only time will tell Waiting to see will be the name of the game. For now I guess I will remain Punishment put on hold Dealing with these feelings will need be done Maybe then a different story can be told. TO STAY OR GO? Pain and sorrow and fear, they are What life is all about by far Many long years of abuse and hate Is this always to be my fate? I ponder a lot about living a life In a world filled with pain and strife Do I want to remain and be Or is death the answer for me. Do I stay and try not to heed the call Or would that only be a stall? To take my life would give me peace All doubts and questions would cease. The world will go on after I have died People will forget after they have cried I will be gone but life will go on Peace and tranquility I will have won. PEACE OF MIND If I were to live, rather than die Can you give me one good reason why I should go on, why I should stay Living in pain and fear this way? I want to do what is right for me The outcome of the future is the key Why am I here, what am I to become? Nothing I can see, and that is the sum. More of the same day after day Nothing will change, come what may The questions, the doubts just go on and on Hope of that changing is all but gone. I want to be done, I want to be free There's only one answer there could possibly be An end to the turmoil, an end to the fright An answer that feels totally right. One day soon I will end it once and for all No longer will I wait or stall In darkness and death I will finally find What I wanted most in life, a peace of mind. SHE -- A Work In Progress As I grew up I knew somewhere deep down inside A scared little person named Georgina did reside Torn from her family, literally given away Georgina couldn't bear it, she couldn't stay Disappearing within she did depart Fear and confusion filling her heart It wasn't Georgina but in her stead came to be The one on the outside, known only as She. Her life before She was just a blur But in her heart She knew for sure That something bad she had done She was guilty, She was the one. She knew that Georgina was somehow to blame What it was she had done though, She couldn't name Not knowing the events that had led to this state Made it seem impossible to avoid the same fate Leaving behind the first family without a second glance She soon was adopted, total obedience her chosen stance Her fear of rejection, of being abandoned once more Were constant companions going right to her core. Things went wrong, as they surely would Cause She couldn't be as a daughter should Afraid of her new mother right from the start She couldn't play the loving part. She's fears made her withdrawn, afraid to get close Her mother made it clear she loved her sister the most With rules constantly changing, She didn't know how To stop herself from leaving the here and the now With no one to talk to, with no reason to stay As Georgina did before her, She ran away And who, you might ask, would there then be? Why, yet another self, known only as She. When this She took over, she was ten years of age Confronted daily by her mother's terrible rage Trouble at school, a home full of hate She wondered if this was to always be her fate Physical, emotional and sexual abuse If this was life, what was the use? Different She's came and went over the following years Not sharing with anyone, keeping to themselves all their fears. From ten until twelve in and out the She's did go The intensity of feelings determining the flow Thirteen and fourteen, just like the rest Things were reaching a mind-blowing crest Tortured and tied by one She did love She watched with horror from somewhere above It all was too much for her to feel She went away, leaving who to deal? Someone was there trying their best Dealing with the abuse and with all the rest. During grade ten She was in a terrible state So started seeing a counselor, but it was already too late Drinking and drugs had become her way To deal with the pain, a heavy price She did pay Years of abuse had taken their toll For inside She was a gaping hole Her memories were gone, her feelings not there She desperately needed someone to care. Though help did arrive it wasn't enough To bring Georgina back to deal with this stuff Though lacking real feelings, the She's had found People couldn't tell when they weren't around The She's had learned to cover for all that went on It became natural for them to just up and be gone When hospitalized someone else did talk of the pain Her discharge from hospital was what She did attain. After two weeks of freedom She was ready to die Nothing at all mattered, She just wanted to cry No hope for the future from a terrible past All She wanted was to be peaceful at last Try as She might though She could not succeed Through a suicide attempt She tried to be free Saved by a friend, brought back to the hell Back to the hospital to try to get well. In the hospital the help She received was really a crime Playing pool or cards, just putting in time She's date of release at Christmas came and went Because of a very unfortunate event A nurse told her mother of She's desire to kill Mother said "Keep her", we've had our fill Spring did arrive, She finally was free To a tourist camp to work for less than minimum fee. Sex with a friend for the very first time He gave her acid, and She lost her mind Back to the hospital for a week she did stay Then back to the camp until the following May When threatened with violence, of course She did run Back home where her parents asked what She had done. It didn't last long, this staying at home Mother said "Get out", again She did roam. Up north as a waitress for one month She did last The owner propositioned her, firing her when she laughed Now out on her own to drugs She did turn Peace of mind and some caring was all She did yearn Trouble with the law, bad acid trips galore Brought She back to the hospital once more She did more drugs inside than ever before Self-hatred burning deep, right down to her core.
I'm on a life long journey Down a long and winding road This anger deep inside me Release it so I'm told. The pain is so unbearable My soul it has been torn My feelings of pure hopelessness I wish I had never been born. This road seems never ending The end I never find The feelings of frustration I fear I'll lose my mind. I stop along the way To feel the pain and fear To overcome the emotion I know my life is dear. Dear God I pray again once more Give me peace within my soul The burden is just too much On my life it's taken its toll. Give me love, peace and freedom Take the sorrow and pain away I want to be a person Filled with happiness someday...AE DADDY'S ARMS As a child I would lay with my eyes shut, oh! so tight. Fearful of the shadows and noises of the night. I only had my dreams to keep me safe from harm. I had no where to run, not even daddy's arms. Some children have that safety but for me I'll never know. Always on the look out and fearful as I grow. As an adult I still lay with my eyes shut, oh! so tight. Still fearful of the shadows and noises of the night. But my biggest fear of all, the one that torments my brain, is the memory of that little girl in daddy's arms again. Author: Deneane Magliano (Thomsen) Feb.11,1996 Published by: National Library of Poetry DEAR CHILD WITHIN Your salted droplets keep falling like rain, while I become weary from feeling your pain. I'm sorry this evil was laid upon you, it's over, I'm grown, what more can I do? You hide, yet you scream,"why must it be me?" I've tasted, I've felt, I've seen what you see. The pain! it's intense, yet it seems to increase. Will knowing I love you help make it all cease? I must be what he couldn't be. A parent to guide you, your innocence, set free. Hush! Don't cry. I know you are sad. together we'll make it, life is not all that bad. I will guard and protect, I'm the adult here outside. You, the frightened child within, please! don't hide. Author: Deneane Magliano (Thomsen) Apr.27,1996 Published by: Quill books Book Title: Treasure the Moment December 1996 WHY?? Why would a young child want to die? No one would miss her or even cry! She hurts too much to play life's game Too small she is for this burden of shame. She doesn't know if she can take much more Why, in God's name, did he call her a whore? The drinking the screaming, does it ever abate? It only gets worse as the night turns to late. Why was she born? She wishes she were dead Tomorrow, they say, is another day, new Would they say it still if only they knew? Look out! He's coming-God please let her die! Too late! He's here! There's no where to hide! Why would a young child want to die? Susan Smiles Back to Index The Broken Dream... Her sad eyes looked up at me in a sudden fear of all that is... I knew that the pain had traveled in her soul all these many years; that the secret heart of her heart held back the furies of broken promises, of unblessed touchings in the dark of the mind. Her silent eyes channeled the dreams of little girls in white dresses, of spring bouquets and dandilions and the warmth of the sun in a smile! SCH Be My Dad!! I just wanted you to be my dad! But you thought I was bad! I didnt want to be sullen and sad! But you just kept driving me mad! You used US as a punching bag! You called my Mum an old hag! My baby brother a "fag"! Everyone had a tag! BUT it was you who was bad! Now FOR YOU I feel sad! You can now go mad!! Thinking of all OUR love you could have had!! Robyn Alone Alone by myself confused crazy dark demons engulf me. Frightened, horrified. I journey kicking loud lirking nipping on me. Pleading, please quickly release me Tearfully underneath vocally wondering Y. Tina My Special Place I go down the ladder into the depths of my soul pull up a shadow and let it all go The darkness surrounding is peaceful and freeing I cry for my soul what am I feeling No one can hurt me not even the ones from hell only I know the way and I will never tell As I go up the ladder and feel the sun again I know in my heart that I will heal in the pain Jennifer/97 IN THE NIGHT A cry upon the night, who will help me through the night? No one to tell, no one to believe. No child is left in me - birthday party's, slumber party's will never be for someone like me. why must it be me, I cry into the night. School days, play grounds, kids just like me. No one to tell, no one to believe. So cute they say to me, my daddy is so proud of me. Whispers, touches, please go away, daddy say's he so proud of me as he lays next to me. No one to tell, no one to believe. School days, play grounds, tomorrow I turn seven you see, won't you please believe me......... Copyright Deloris Mathes 1997 Deloris It's Not Fair It's not fair! It's not my fault, I did nothing wrong, I was an innocent child. Why do I have to live with this? This evil invading my body and mind. Why must I suffer the consequences of what someone else did? Why must I relive the terror and agony again and again? I Hate this feeling of powerlessness, of having the pain take over and control me. It's not fair! I did nothing wrong! I tried to cry out, but no one was there. I tried to tell, but no one listened. I didn't want it to happen. I want them to suffer! I want them to experience the pain I feel! The terror that overpowers me. Let them suffer for what they've done! I did nothing wrong, It wasn't my fault. I was a innocent child, An unwilling pawn in they're life of crime, In they're sick game of "love", using a child, Their trying to fill a void, taking it out on me. I wasn't my fault, I had nothing to do with their illness, They shouldn't have made me their momentary cure. It's not fair! I want them to suffer a life of hell, To truly know the agony I still live with, The pain I experience, I want them to know what I go through, And how they've changed my life. I'm not ready to forgive. I'm furious to the depths of my soul. I Hate them for what they've done, For hurting me- My Body and Soul. Someday, I might be able to forgive, But not now. Cynthia Lee A Small Child This tragedy of life, A small child torn and hurt, Her innocence taken away. So violent was his rage, So angry the pain... What's going on? What did I do? Why is he hurting me so, tearing me, The Pain- I try to scream and nothing is heard. Why is he so angry with me? What did I do to deserve this punishment.... He's gone now, I lie here bleeding and hurt. I'm crying, but don't know why? Nothing's happened, not really. I must have awaken from a bad dream, I lie shivering, clutching my; pillow, Finally, crying myself to sleep. It wasn't real, Just an evil nightmare, The first of many I'm soon to know. It couldn't have really happened, So it doesn't matter how I feel... Or does it?
