STORY 20
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My name is Melissa. I have been at your site among many others this day and other days trying to find the courage to seek help, advice,etc. I am a professional woman of 33 years old, I have 3 beautiful sons, I am married for the second time and this has lasted a little over ten years. But I am miserable. I am so unhappy when I should be grateful to have survived this long and have come so far. I was never able to get help. Always some reason standing in the way. I have discussed this but never have really worked through any of my anger, hurt, and desperation. So this last December I ended up having a heart attack and they can give no good reason other than stress for a woman my age to have had this happen. I have four parents or five if you count my first step mother and I have an ex husband who was a drunk and a druggie. So my story is the same but different I suppose. They were all alcoholics. My father was physically and emotionally abusive to me as well as my first step mother. My step father who is dead was sexually abusive, verbally abusive, and just down and out sick. My mother is and was an alcoholic and I feel so much anger still towards her for not protecting me, but she would never believe me. She wouldn't hear of it! To this day she talks about my dead step father as though he were a saint. My second step mother just stood back and let my father abuse us but never really did anything except to say, " well you must have deserved it". I have scars all over my body from the physical abuse that no one ever stopped. And now I have so many internal scars from all the other abuse and torture that happened to me and then some that later I caused. I sometimes feel that I have come so far that I am away from them all. I have my children and a wonderful career. But I find it so hard go on some days. I am so miserable. You would think by now that I would know where and how to get help but every time I ever tried I always have come up against brick walls. So I keep going day to day and some days are worse than others. Maybe once in a while I can go a couple days and not think or dwell on my past of horrors. How did you get past this you seem happy and I do not use that term loosely for you see I do not know happiness other than when I look into the eyes of my children and watch them grow and change etc... The man I am married to isn't physically abusive. He is not even into sex all that much. He is stable but tries to be controlling too. I am making his life miserable too for you see I do not think I love him the way he should be loved. Nor he I. We are like roommates living in the same house sleeping in separate rooms and living for all practical purposes separate lives. This is probably way more info that you ever want to hear and I am sorry. All I wanted to know is if you knew where I could start to get help. And here I am giving you my life story all summed up. I cannot afford to go to counseling I do not know where to turn. Any advice you may give would be very helpful. I am once again saying I am sorry for dragging this out with you. Thank you in advance for anything you might be able to tell me.
